Title: It's All Coming Back to Me Now
Disclaimer: So, I own nothing from One Tree Hill…but you know a nice idea for a Christmas gift would be James Lafferty, so keep that in mind :) Wait, I don't own the song either.
Summary: One shot. It's Peyton's wedding day, and she reflects on a time in her life when she was in love, when she was happy. And she looks back on the man who made it all possible, and the fact that he's not there & she's overcome with memories.
Author's Note: So, I'm a one shot fan because I really don't have any priority to do anymore than this one chapter. So, this story isn't exactly very happy, so keep that in mind, it's actually pretty dark, one of my darker pieces. I hope you all like it, though.
- 'There were nights when the wind was so cold, that my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window. There were days when the sun was so cruel, that all the tears turned to dust, and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever' –
Her white wedding dress hung stiffly on the hook across from her. Brooke was knocking on the door loudly, wondering where she was, that there were only five hours left till the wedding. Yeah, five hours…she had time to spare. She could hear the commotion from the hallway, and even though she knew the right thing to do would explain to them how hard the day had been for her, she took the other route. With a small smile she opened the window, pulled a chair up against the wall and climbed out in her sweats, leaving that fantasy world behind, she couldn't handle it anymore.
As she snuck behind a few bushes to keep her fiancé's groomsmen from seeing her she thought of the women's reactions to her not being in the room she was supposed to be in. How they would grumble about her not having enough time to return. But she was pretty sure it wouldn't take her five hours to get into that stuffy wedding dress and throw her hair up into some sort of up-do.
She knew if she called Haley at this moment that she would come running, but Haley wasn't at her wedding right now. Haley didn't even know she was getting married, and it depressed Peyton to know she had given into such a stuffy family who wouldn't let her pick the friends she wanted by her side. Of course, there was also the fact that she wasn't really in touch with Haley, Nathan, Karen, Jake…she wasn't in touch with anyone from her childhood except for Brooke. She hadn't seen or talked to them since…well she hadn't seen or talked to them in at least two years.
And the only reason Brooke was at the wedding was because she had flirted with the best man who had in turn begged for Brooke to be invited…that was only because he thought he was getting some ass at the reception, both Peyton and Brooke knew that much. And Brooke had apparently not really decided on what she doing at the reception…if there even was a reception at the rate Peyton was going.
The grass under her feet sunk from being so wet, there was a light drizzle as she got into her car, perfect weather she thought. Perfect weather to represent how she was feeling, and how she felt about the man she'd be standing at the alter with in five hours. Well, she was now done to four hours and fifty minutes, and she laughed as she thought about how hard it would be to get ready with that ten minutes gone…and then she laughed at herself again when she realized she was making sarcastic comments in her mind.
"I need help," she put the car in drive and sped off to her destination, which was about a half hour away. But the car would be torture and she knew that much…so she put in the CD that she always put in when she made this trip, her Something Corporate CD, which always reminded her of…well she just liked the CD.
The traffic was light as she weaved through the expensive cars that were all piled up in that one section of North Carolina, the rich section, the section she was currently living in. It made her sick, her in-laws-to-be made her sick, she made herself sick now that she took the time to consider it.
Her thoughts drifted quickly to the nights that followed, the way she cried herself to sleep for months, and how much it had hurt. How Haley had been there for her for the first month, but when she skipped town after that first month she had lost that support system and spent many of those nights drowning those tears with the vodka bottle. And she had disgusted herself for many months.
"I CAN'T DO THIS, BROOKE. GOD, YOU DON'T GET IT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
"Peyton, please just let me help…you can't do this to yourself," Brooke had pleaded with her, cried in a desperate attempt to make her stop, to just have some form of logic.
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE. YOU NEVER WILL. I WAS IN LOVE, AND THEN…OH GOD!" Peyton threw the vodka bottle against the wall, watching it smash into a million pieces all over their living room floor. She let her back lean against the wall as she sobbed, sliding to the floor as she grabbed her knees, pulling them tightly against her chest. She cried, she cried until she could barely breathe and Brooke watched, her heart breaking as Peyton fell into depression on their kitchen floor.
"I'm so sorry, Peyton."
The pain had been so excruciating, it was the hardest thing she had ever been through. She remembered the night…well she couldn't get into all of that while she was driving, it was too much emotion to pour out while she was merging on the highway.
And then there had been those days when she couldn't even will the tears from her eyes, those days when she didn't dare move from bed. She remembered the feeling of her eyes being constantly swollen and dry. And she remembered how she would lay in bed, her body trembling for no reason, and it was those days that Brooke had threatened to call the hospital, and screamed that her condition was not normal, that she needed help. She knew now that she probably had needed some type of medical help, that the pain she went through probably wasn't normal, but she had coped somehow, and it had been two years…the worst two years of her life. But she made it, she was getting married…not that it meant she had moved on, but she was progressing with her life. That had to be some sort of achievement, right?
- 'I finished crying in the instant that you left, and I can't remember where or when or how. And I banished every memory you and I had ever made' –
She pulled her black car into the parking lot, putting it in park and letting her hands rest on the steering wheel. Slowly, she let her head come to rest against her hands, her mind wouldn't stop moving, she couldn't stop falling into the memories she still had. The memories that seemed burned into her brain even after she had tried so hard to make them go away. She knew the memories were what had made the time harder, they were what made her relapse into the depression and for a while she had blocked it all out. For a while she had been numb to everything, but she knew that wasn't the way she wanted to live her life.
And that decision was what had pushed her out to the bar that night, that night she had met Jonathan. Jonathan Green, her fiancé who was a really good guy, and taken care of her that night at the bar. And he had taken really good care of her for nights after…but she had been too drunk for the first few months to notice, and that depressed her even more as she sat in her car. What was her life? It was some big façade, she knew that, she was pretty sure Jonathan and his snooty rich mother knew that too.
She considered going in alone, the way she had considered it a year ago, and hadn't made it last time either. She had only been there two years ago on the day…well the day that she had managed to block out of her memory for the time being. She'd have to get into that whole matter later in the day…because as she sat in that car, she wasn't sure if she was going back to her wedding, she didn't know if she could go back.
Her cell phone was ringing in her back pocket and when she glanced at the caller ID she lifted the flap slightly and let it close again. She was in no mood to deal with anyone, especially not Brooke who didn't realize how hard getting married was, how hard getting married into another family was. So, instead of going in, she turned the car around and went into town. She drove down the small streets she had spent her childhood playing in, and her teenage years making out in. And then she entered the street of Haley James Scott, who had married Nathan Scott and currently had two children, and as far as she knew was now pregnant with their third.
She was still debating getting out of the car, but before she could she watched a little boy peek his head through the blinds in the front window. She couldn't help the smile that formed at her friend's children, it amazed her, it made it reality that they were all growing up. The front door swung open as Nathan came out, took a brisk jog out to her car and opened the door, pulling her out and into his arms. Immediately she felt her eyes begin to burn with tears, but she held them, squeezing her eyes tightly as he hugged her.
"It's been two years, Peyton," his voice wasn't cold or mean the way she had expected, but it was soft and sad, almost disappointed but still full of joy that she had come back.
"I know, I'm sorry," her voice was just barely a whisper, she feared if she opened her mouth she wouldn't be able to stop the tears that were on the verge of falling. Nathan was only able to separate from her when Haley came sprinting out of the house.
"Peyton…" Haley was nearly speechless when she saw her friend's appearance. She looked like she had aged at least five years in the past two, and her eyes looked glazed over.
"Hales," Peyton let out a small smile, she had tried so hard to be happy about seeing her friends from her past, but in the overload of her emotions she looked at Haley and only ended up crying hysterically on the sidewalk. Haley immediately engulfed the semi-blonde in a hug, while Peyton cried, laying her head over the petite brunette's shoulder while Haley rubbed her hand in circles attempting to soothe the girl she hadn't seen in two years.
"What're you doing back, Peyton? You've been gone for so long…you took off after…well…"
"Yea, I know. I couldn't be here anymore. It was too hard, I was surrounded by memories, I needed to start over. I came back to…" and the tears started again, again to the point where Peyton couldn't control her breathing and it hurt to cry anymore.
"I know. But why'd you choose now, after two years to come back?" Haley's questions weren't meant to be mean, but they were questions she had been waiting so long to ask.
"I came back last year…at night because I didn't want anyone to see me. But I couldn't do it…it was too hard. And I thought it would be easier with two years having gone by, but it hasn't gotten any easier…actually you know what…let me tell you the truth. I'm back today because I'm supposed to be…I'm supposed to be getting married today, but I snuck out of a window. It's too hard to marry into someone else's family, to live so far away from all of you, from…him."
- 'But when you touch me like this, and you hold me like that, I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me. When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that, it's so hard to believe that it's all coming back, it's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now' –
She was laying in the guest bed of Haley and Nathan's house, with a warm heat pack next to her. After her breakdown in front of the house Haley had advised her to go upstairs and lay down for an hour to get herself back together…but as she tried to get herself back together she was falling apart more as she envisioned him, his touches and the things he used to whisper to her before they would fall asleep at night. All those memories she had tried so hard to get rid of, and the memories she tried not to think about as she laid in bed with Jonathan at night.
"God, I love you," he would whisper under the darkness as he ran his fingertips over her skin. She would shiver under his touch, his rough fingers felt like feathers against her, and she would writhe as he would ever so gently lift her shirt over her head.
She would blush as she lay naked in front of him, but every night he would whisper the same thing into her ear, his hot breath making her tremble beneath him.
"You're perfect, Peyt. You always are…you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen…" and those words would make her blush even more. He would kiss her just after, taking her breath away time and time again.
She could still remember every detail of how he felt inside her, how his skin would rub against her own. And the times he made her laugh while he would rub the stubble on his chin against her neck, and there were times at night in bed with Jonathan that she would imagine he was there, doing those things to her still.
She wandered down the stairs to find the Scott's sitting on the couch, Haley had her legs draped over Nathan who was sitting up straight. They were talking quietly, she guessed it was so they didn't wake her up, but she had never really gone to sleep. She crept back up to her the room…The Scott's…that's who she should've been and it wasn't fair, it just wasn't fair at all.
"Hey…I take it you didn't sleep?"
"Not at all…I haven't slept well in two years, Haley. I barely get four hours a night, I'm so tired, so extremely tired, but I don't even notice it anymore. It's like every time I lay down I can feel him, I just keep remembering how it felt to have him next to him, when he touched me. I can't get it out of my head, ever. And every night it hurts just the same, and I don't know how to move past it…"
"I think you need to go to him, Peyton. I really do…I'll come if you want," Haley's offer made Peyton smile. She was a real friend, someone she hadn't seen it two years was willing to do that for her.
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"I think I went on Christmas…it's still just as hard…but it makes it easier to move on, to move past it all."
"I'll go…but I need you there, please," her wedding was still in the corner of her mind, how they had probably gotten in the room and seen the open window. And she almost laughed thinking about Jonathan's mother's reaction. She would've loved to have seen that one.
- 'There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light. There were things I'd never do again but then they'd always seemed right. There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allow, baby, baby' –
She pulled her car into the parking lot for the second time that day, and now she was down to two and a half hours until the wedding, and she still honestly had no idea if she was going back. Haley looked hesitant to speak, but she did anyway.
"Are you going back…to get married?"
"You read my mind…and I don't know. I really don't know if I can live there, if I can be married right now. It's not that Jonathan's a bad guy, he's really sweet…I haven't told him really anything about my past, and he accepted that. And he took care of me when I met him, I drank a lot for a while when I left and he stayed by me every night. And I feel horrible doing this to him, but…I can't move on if I haven't even accepted this whole thing yet," she gestured out to the area in front of her, both of them looking out over it.
"You're never gonna move on if you can't even talk about it, Peyton. You know that. You have to go in there, come on," Haley pulled the girl out of the car and in through the gates. It was a five minute walk before she was there with him. "Do you want me to stay?"
Her eyes had immediately pooled with tears, it was all real staring her in the face. She collapsed to her knees quickly and Haley had jumped to her with worry.
"I'll be…ok…" Peyton cried again, as she sat with him. The grass was wet beneath her, but it didn't bother her in the least as she sat and pulled her knees to her chest. She caught her breath, letting the tears fall more freely than ever before.
"Lucas…" the name came out slowly, weakly. He was staring straight at her:
Lucas Eugene Scott
June 12, 1987 – December 18, 2013
Beloved husband and son
Forever missed
The cemetery around her was cold and silent, Haley had walked away, giving her whatever time she needed to herself. The cold hard truth was that he was gone and he was never coming back, that he had died two years ago and she needed to accept that so she could move on with her own life.
"I'm sorry…I'm sorry I couldn't come here until now. You left me two years ago…just a few months after our wedding. I would love to say that it was something that took you slow, like some fatal disease so I at least would've had a little bit of time to prepare for all of this. But I didn't. God, it was so close to Christmas…I remember it all…the way I had begged you to go get me a hot chocolate and some cookies…and you told me you were tired…" she wiped a few tears as they continued to stream down her face. "You said you were tired, but you went anyway…"
"Babe, can't I make you cookies?"
"Or you can get me cookies," she smiled at him, kissing his lips a few times for reassurance of what he'd get when he returned.
"Okay, okay. But you so owe me," he smirked at his wife of a little over two months.
"Get me cookies and I'll rock your world tonight, sailor," he chuckled at her attempt to be sexy, but it had turned out to be more cheesy than anything.
"That was hot," he winked at her.
"Oh, I know. You want me," she smiled, flopping herself down on the couch and waving good bye to him.
"God, three hours later the phone rang…I fell asleep watching Rudolph that night. I remember hearing the voice of a police officer and knowing immediately that you were gone. It was the worst feeling I've ever had. Ever…"
"Are you Mrs. Scott?"
"Yea, what happened? God…"
"I'm sorry ma'am. We need you to come in and identify the body. We're pretty sure it's your husband, but we need verification."
"Oh my God…" the phone hit the floor, it shattered.
"They told me they think you fell asleep at the wheel, the roads were all sorts of icy at the time and the tractor trailer plowed you into the tree. I could barely tell if it was you on the table that night, and I remember my stomach felt like it was dropping…I didn't sleep for two days after that. Haley stayed with me, so did Brooke. They didn't really help. I don't sleep very well now…I still dream about you when I do sleep…I still cry so hard some nights I throw up and can't breathe, and Jonathan still doesn't know why. I don't think I can get married today, Luke. I don't think I've gotten over you, I don't think I ever will. I don't sleep…I've lost over twenty pounds since that night…I can't talk about this to anyone…I've never even said you're…dead. But that's what you are…you're dead, and I fucking hate that word. I listened to Konstantine on repeat for almost a full day before as I laid in bed crying, rolling around like a two year old."
She began to tear up again but pushed on, "I was drunk every day for almost a year…it was the darkest time in my life. I've never felt more pain. I was so in love with you, Luke, so unbelievably in love. I've never told anyone we were married besides your mother, Haley and Nathan. Everyone else who's seen your tombstone never really comments, but Karen's told me they've been confused. I don't know why I don't tell anyone…I think because those two months I try to keep to myself, because they were ours. That was our time. I remember making the phone calls to everyone…I knew your mom was gonna be the hardest, I barely got through it that night.
"He's gone…there was an…accident, oh god. I'm so sorry, Karen. I'm so, so sorry. I don't…I'm sorry…"
"It wasn't your fault, Peyton. I'll be there…"
"It was my fault, Luke. I made you go out to get me fucking cookies. I never told anyone that either…I couldn't. I could barely admit that you were gone, let alone tell everyone that I sent you out. I'm so sorry, Luke. I took your life away, and I hate myself for it. And not a day goes by that I don't think of you, or miss you. And I'm sorry I'm getting married…I'm so sorry for everything. I miss you, so, so much…and I love you with all of my heart. And I'll be back again, more often. I will, I promise you this, the same way you promised you'd always be there…always."
She was interrupted by a man in a black suit who worked there. He coughed a bit to let her know he was there and she turned, startled.
"Are you Mrs. Scott?"
"Um…" no one knew they were married. "Yea, who are you?"
"I have this…I've had it for two years…it's been here for you since December of 2013," he handed her a small white envelope. The black-suited man walked away, leaving Peyton lost in her thoughts. December of 2013? She slipped her hand into the envelope, pulling out a folded piece of paper, Haley walked up just then.
"What's that?"
"I dunno…a guy walked up said he's had it since December 2013 and walked away…."
"Well, read it, Peyton."
Peyt – my beautiful wife,
I know you probably won't get this for another…two years or so, if I know you, you won't come here because it'll be too hard, and I respect that. I always have. I know that me leaving you wasn't anything even near expected…and I can't apologize enough for it. I know it hurt you…I get that. And I know you'll do some things you'll regret after I'm gone…but I want you to pick up your life, I want you to move on for me. I understand if you can't, but I need you to be happy without me, no matter how much it hurts. I'll never be able to forgive myself if you're not happy. Don't even blame yourself for this, ever. I didn't have to go, you know that, I went because I loved you. I went because you're my wife and you mean the world to me. You'll always be my wife, even if you get remarried, even if you'll never tell anyone about the marriage after I'm gone. I'm always with you, Peyt. At night when you sleep, I'm by your side. When you feel me in the middle of the night, I'm there. I know Jonathan will make you happy, if you let him in. I know if you ask him to move, he would. His mother may not approve, but he'd go to great lengths to keep you. The same way I would. I know you'll never be able to love him the way you loved me…our love was magic, remember that. We were something special, and we always will be. I want you to be able to listen to Konstantine without crying…and I don't want you to hate yourself. I also don't want you to spend the rest of your life wondering about this letter…just think of it as my wedding gift to you. Love can work miracles, you know that. My love for you will and has never faded. I'm always watching you, if you ever need me, I'm forever by your side. When you get married have your own kids, I'll be by them. I'll always be there, always. You're perfect, Peyt, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen…and even if you can't see me or touch me, I'm there. I love you, always.
Love always – forever your husband
Luke
- 'When you touch me like this and when you hold me like that, it was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me. When you see me like this and when I see you like that, then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me, the flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me, I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now' -
In Tree Hill six months later, Peyton Sawyer-Scott married Jonathan Green in small ceremony with her friends around her. Jonathan moved to Tree Hill, the way Lucas said he would. They lived only a few blocks from Nathan and Haley. Karen was present at their wedding, as Peyton said her vows to another man, Karen clapped proudly for her daughter.
"You may kiss the bride," Jonathan kissed her briefly, his hand over her stomach.
And six months later, a little boy was born to the proud parents. A six pound, seven ounce beautiful baby boy, with blue eyes and blonde hair. Lucas Michael Green was born on June 12, 2016.
It was two years later that Lucas fulfilled his promise, two years later Luke walked out into the main road as Peyton drifted into a few thoughts. The tires squealed and Peyton screamed, but couldn't move any quicker as she was pregnant for the second time. Strangely, out of six cars that crashed that day, not one hit her little boy. As she talked to Luke that night about cars and never going into a street again, he said something she would remember for the rest of her life.
"He safed me, mommy, he pwomised you he would and he said he wuves you, aways."
Okay, that was a long draining one, but I had to do it. I hope you liked it, I hope it worked and that you'll review it. The song was "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion.