Disclaimer: When my world domination quest is complete, I will own not only the rights to Harry Potter and Discworld, but everything else too!
They say that enough monkeys on typewriters will eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare.
This story has very little to do with monkeys, typewriters, or Shakespeare.
It does have to do with libraries.
This is a very strange story. Read at your own risk.
An orangutan was happily typing on Leonard of Quirm's brilliant invention, the Thing-Which-Makes-Letters-When-You-Push-Them. This was not a monkey, and he did not come out with the complete works of Shakespeare.
In a different universe, a wizard named Ron Weasley was following in his Dad's footsteps. He was tinkering with a muggle tool called a typewriter. With a prod of his wand in just the right place, it began to type by itself.
"Ook?" said the orangutan, who happened to also be the Librarian at the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork. He had just noticed that his random typing had come up with seven novels about a young man named Harry Potter. Although he was like no wizard that the Librarian knew, and he knew many, his book made out that Harry Potter was a wizard.
At the same moment, Ron noticed that his enchanted typewriter had written thirty or so novels about a strange place called Discworld.
All libraries are connected. Even if they are in different universes. They exist in what is known as L-Space.
The novels showing up in the wrong worlds caused a rip in the book-time continuum.
There was a noise, a sort of gloop.
Suddenly, the world started spinning, faster and faster and faster. Then it stopped. In a library. Sixteen people were sitting on either side of a long table.
The Librarian looked around. He knew the people on his side of the table, but not the others. "Oo-" he started to say, but was cut off by a loud "Shhh!"
"Hello, and welcome to the Library From Which All Other Libraries Spring Forth," whispered a formidable looking librarian, "I'm afraid even the quietest of whispers is not allowed here, you cannot possibly be silent enough. I'm not quite sure what happened back there, but we can't undo it now, so I'm just going to introduce you to each other, and let you get on with it." She walked towards the end of the lines, where the Librarian was slouching across from a tough looking lady. "Madam Irma Pince," she said, "meet the Librarian," she continued down along the table, introducing as she went along, "This is Commander Sam Vimes, meet Harry Potter. Ron Weasley, meet Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson. Hermione Granger, this is Sergeant Angua. Lord Havelock Vetinari, meet Dumbledore. Charlie Weasley, this is Lady Sybil Vimes. Granny Weatherwax, meet Professor Minerva McGonagall. Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, meet Rincewind the, er, wizard."
Everyone just stared at each other and blinked.
"Now that we're all such good friends," the librarian whispered, after giving them approximately four seconds to "get to know" each other, "Its time for you to go back to your worlds, or rather, not." She didn't do anything really, but the room started spinning and everyone landed right where they weren't supposed to be.
Vimes, Carrot, and Angua found themselves being chased by three teenage boys.
"What's happening?" Angua shouted, glancing back at the three teenagers who were waving sticks around menacingly, "Why are we running away?"
"No idea!" Vimes shouted back, "lets stop, and find out what they're guilty of." He stopped quickly, and was followed by Angua and Carrot. They turned around.
"They're stopping!" shouted Draco Malfoy. Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, Malfoy's henchmen, looked on stupidly. "Potter, Weasley, and Granger are dead!" He ran forward. But something was wrong.
"Wait a minute! You're not Potter! And you're not Weasley! And your not the mudblood Granger! What happened to them?" Malfoy screamed.
"What's a mudblood?" Angua asked.
"Sounds like a rude word," Vimes replied.
"Excuse me lads," Carrot said, "Do you think you can tell us where we are? We seem to have been misplaced. Don't worry, it happens all the time, the Unseen University being what it is! Not to worry, the wizards will fix it up in a flash! Which way to Ankh-Morpork?"
Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle looked at him stupidly.
"…who are you?" Crabbe asked, voicing the opinion of the other two.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry, Ron, and Hermione found themselves in front of an insane murderer. He had a crossbow aimed right at the trio.
"Say your goodbyes! The end of the Watch is coming! Good bye Vimes…Wait, you're not Vimes!" he shouted.
"PETRIFICUS TOTALLUS!" bellowed Hermione. The murderer tensed up and dropped like a board.
"Er, we may want to take him to that house over there that says 'City Watch,'" said Ron.
"Good idea," said Harry.
All these books! Most of them didn't even exist in Ankh-Morpork. The Librarian spent the afternoon reading all of the books in the regular section. He only stopped occasionally to frighten away students who felt obliged to try to read the books. The Librarian didn't want them to wear out the words! Even now, a skinny boy with a camera was coming into the library.
"Colin, don't go in there without a banana! He'll kill you!" said an anonymous student outside of the Library.
"Don't worry! I've got one right here!" said Colin, waving the Banana in the air.
The Librarian ambled over to Colin. The boy trembled a bit as the huge Ape approached.
"Here you go, take the nice banana, it's a good one, isn't it? Fresh from the kitchen! Yes! Now smile for the camera! Nice monkey!" Colin stammered out.
The silence was so strong, it was loud.
"OOOK!" The Librarian yelled.
We regret to inform you that the following exchange between the Librarian and one Colin Creevey is too unpleasant to relate. Suffice to say that, with enough care from Madame Poppy Pomfrey, he survived.
Madame Pince gasped. This must be what heaven was like! Books, books, books, as far as the eye could see. She started walking through the aisles, not even reading, just touching the amazing, endless books. She turned a corner into a different aisle.
She shrieked and ran back to the information desk. Madame Pince found a ball of twine and a heavy club. Tying one end of the twine to a sturdy pole that looked made for just that purpose (actually, it was) she resumed her wanderings, club at the ready.
-----------------------
Dumbledore found himself at the head of a table full of muggles. All of them were clammering for something to be done about someone named Vimes. He could barely understand what they were saying. Finally it was too much for his old ears.
"Could everyone please be quiet?" he yelled.
Everyone looked at him, for the first time.
"You aren't the Patrician!" shouted someone.
"Very observant of you. I'm Professor Albus Dumbledore. Who are you, where am I? And don't you realize I have a school to run?"
---------------------
Vetinari looked around. A few minutes of observation told him that he was in a school, and apparently the head of it. He ambled over to a large chair near a bird that was on fire and sat down. Seeing all sorts of paperwork that he was no doubt supposed to do, he started writing.
A little later, he heard a hesitant knock on his door. "Come in!" he said, and the door opened to reveal a tired looking man.
"What…? You're not Dumbledore!" he said.
"Yes, I'm aware of that. I am Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. I am currently residing headmaster of a wizard's school called Hogwarts? But the wizards are not what I am used to. And you are?"
"Umm, Remus Lupin. I used to work here, now I'm in the Order of the Phoenix and unemployed. Have you taken over the Order too?"
"I suppose so. What is it you wanted?"
---------------------------------------
Lady Sybil hadn't been this happy since the day she married Vimes.
"They're so big!" she gushed, "Like that one that attacked Sam!"
-----------------------------------
Charlie Weasley walked around all of the tiny dragons, trying not to breathe.
"Are they babies or midgets?" he asked a girl.
She looked at him strangely, "Umm, all swamp dragons are this size. Any bigger they wouldn't survive."
"What? But all the other dragons I've seen are bigger. Except the babies, of course." He bent over a pen.
"Umm… I wouldn't do that if I were you-" the girl started to say, but was interrupted as the dragon swelled up and exploded, splattering Charlie and everything around him in bits of dragon.
--------------------------------------
Granny Weatherwax was standing at the front of a class. "Er herm, where am I and who are you?" The students looked at her strangely. Finally one of them raised his hand.
"You're supposed to teach us Transfiguration. We're wizards." he said, hesitantly.
"Am I at the Unseen University? Why are your staffs so small."
The student looked at her blankly. "Staffs?"
Granny Weatherwax sighed. "Are you sure you're wizards? The staffs are those sticks you use. Since when have there been so many girl wizards?"
"No, no!" a female student spoke up. "The girls are witches! Wizards is just a general term!"
"Why are you dressed in such ridiculous wizard clothes. And since when have witches used a staff? Am I at the Unseen University or not?"
"We're at Hogwarts! Witches are the same as wizards, just girls! What's wrong with you?" screamed the girl.
------------------------------
Professor McGonagall was in a very bare cottage with a young girl gaping at her.
"Where did Granny Weatherwax go?" She asked, very directly, "Who are you?"
"I'm Professor McGonagall, from Hogwarts. I believe that your Grandmother is currently teaching my class. Who did you say you are?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"She's not my Grandmother. I'm Tiffany Aching. I'm a witch." the girl said.
"Oh, how nice. I am too." said Professor McGonagall.
"You don't look like a witch."
-----------------------------------
"Mr. Fudge?"
Rincewind jumped. "Er, come in?"
A young man came in. He had red hair and glasses. "Oh, you're not Mr. Fudge. Are you the Prime Minister?"
"Er."
"Well, if you see him can you tell him Percy Weasley's report on Cauldron Bottoms is ready?" He held out a thick packet of papers.
Rincewind screamed and ran out of the building as fast as was humanly possible.
-----------------------------------
"Rincewind!" A man was shouting. Cornelius Fudge wondered who they were shouting too.
"Rincewi- Oh, you're not Rincewind. Take this suitcase!" said a man who vaguely reminded Fudge of his Junior Assistant for some reason.
"Why certainly, thank you," said Fudge, taking the suitcase. He looked at it for a minute, then screamed as the Luggage opened itself wide and started attacking him. He threw it as far away from him as he could.
"You let it escape!" the other man cried in dismay, "And I had just caught it too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N this is my first fanfic! R/R please, I really want feedback!