I am both J.K. Rowling and Terry Pratchett. Use your brains, don't sue.
Thanks for all the reviews! Please continue, it encourages me.
This chapter is in Hogwarts. Next one won't come for a while, because all of November I will be taking part of NaNoWriMo, but when it comes, it will be set in Ankh-Morpork.
Chapter 2 -Set in Hogwarts.
Vetinari listened carefully while Lupin filled him in on everything that was going on. "And Dumbledore was going to help Harry find the horcruxes and defeat Voldemort before this mix up happened!"
"I see, and would this Harry be a young boy? Messy black hair, glasses, and an oddly shaped scar?" Vetinari asked.
"Yes he is, did you see him?"
"I believe so," he stood up, "this is worse than I thought."
"Why?"
"I believe that your Harry," Vetinari said, "has been switched with the head of my watch, Commander Sam Vimes."
Lupin blinked a few times, then asked, "Can Vimes do magic, by any chance?"
"No, not really, but wait! Has this Voldemort broken the law?" said Vetinari, struck by a sudden inspiration.
"Well, obviously! He murdered hundreds, and used the unforgivable curses too!" said Lupin.
"In that case," Vetinari smiled. It was not a very comforting site. "We may have a chance after all. How do you contact people in this world?"
---------------------
Vimes, Carrot, and Angua had left the three boys (who had admitted to breaking numerous school rules, with a little help from Angua) in the care of a professor who called himself Snape.
"Well, what do we do now?" asked Carrot.
"I don't have a bloody clue," Vimes started to say, but he was interrupted as a huge owl dived at them.
"Get it off me!" Vimes bellowed, covering his face, and completely failing to notice that the owl was nowhere near him, and in fact had perched on a nearby chair, and was holding out its leg.
"Look, its got some paper attached to its leg." Angua bent down and untied it. "It's a note from Lord Vetinari!"
Vimes groaned, "He's here too? What does he want?"
Angua unfolded it. "It says, 'Come to the headmaster's office immediately to meet me. It is urgent we talk, signed Lord Vetinari. P.S. The password is sugar quills'" She looked up. "Where is the headmaster's office?"
"How should I know?" Vimes groaned, "ask that professor. Snake was it?"
"It was Snape," Carrot said, "I'll go ask him right now!" he walked back the way they came, and disappeared from sight. A few minutes later, he came back. "This way!" he lead them up and down several different staircases. It took them awhile, seeing as the staircases most definitely were moving, and trick stairs kept on popping up and messing them up. Finally they came to a stone gargoyle.
"Snape said it was here. Apparently, it will open up a secret passageway if we say sugar quills." Carrot said. The gargoyle jumped out of the way, revealing a staircase spiraling up. "I guess this is it." said Carrot. The three of them stepped on the staircase and were quickly carried to the top. They knocked on the door, then walked in when they heard Vetinari call.
The Patrician was, as usual, busily doing paperwork. The three of them stood there for a while, until Vimes gave a little cough. Vetinari looked up. "Oh, you can have a seat it you want. I'm just waiting for the rest of us to come." Angua, Vimes, and Carrot, sat down in the plushy armchairs that were around the desk. A few minutes later, Granny Weatherwax came in and sat down, without waiting for the Patrician to notice her.
"Ook?" said someone outside the door.
"Come in, Librarian." Vetinari said. The Librarian came inside and sat down in a chair next to a basket of peanuts.
There was a tap on a window, and Vetinari stopped working long enough to open it for Sybil, who was sitting gracefully on a broom. She flew in and landed.
"Sybil!" Vimes shouted jumping up, "you're here too!"
"Yes, Sam, and you should seriously see the dragons they have here! They're so big!"
Vimes shuddered, thinking of the last huge dragon he had met.
Several minutes later, a loud "Aaaaarrrrgh," came into the room, shortly followed by Rincewind crashing through the window and falling off of his broom. Only then did the Patrician start to talk.
"Everyone is here," he said, looking around at all the confused faces. "Apparently there is an incredibly evil wizard named Voldemort on the loose. The boy who was supposed to take care of him disappeared, and for some reason we've replaced him and many of the people helping him. Basically, its up to us and the magic we have to stop him. They have strange magics, so beware. You have to destroy the little bits of his soul, which are called horcruxes, before he can be killed. Mistress Weatherwax, Librarian, and Rincewind, I'm counting on you to do this. Lady Sybil, Here, a wizard named Lupin wrote all of this down for you, along with a list of the different horcruxes. You may leave now, and good luck." Everyone looked at him for a few seconds, completely stunned. Then Granny Weatherwax stood up and started to leave. Everyone else followed suit. "Oh, Vimes, could you wait for a minute?" Vimes stopped, and turned around. Lord Vetinari waited until everyone else had left.
"Yes sir?" asked Vimes, looking about a foot above the Patrician's head and a little to the right.
"Commander, I know that you must be anxious about this Voldemort. You probably are already planning out some method to arrest him, or something. I'll have you know he can, and will, kill you with just a word, if not a thought. He can escape any bonds that you put on him. You understand that to chase him would be dangerous?"
"Yes sir."
"Vimes, I'm telling you that you cannot chase this wizard."
"Sir."
"To do so would be going against orders."
"Sir."
"I assume that those 'sirs' were yes sirs."
"Sir."
"Alright Vimes, you may leave." Vimes saluted and left.
Vetinari listened as Vimes left. He heard a muffled thump, followed by a string of curses. Lupin had told Vetinari that the walls were magically reinforced.
-----------------------
Angua and Carrot were waiting for Vimes at the bottom of the stairs.
"What did he want?" Angua asked.
Vimes didn't answer. He stayed silent for a few seconds then said, "We have to go after this Voldemort bloke."
------------------------
Granny Weatherwax found her way to a bed. It was overly fluffy, and she was sure the goose needed the feathers in it more than she did, but it was a bed. She lay down and entered the mind of a nearby owl.
Ginny Weasley had finished her homework and was going to have an early night. She climbed up to her dormitory and was about to get into bed, when she noticed the strange, unmoving old woman on it. Ginny frowned. She reached down to wake her up and get her out of her bed, but she withdrew her hand. The woman felt like ice! She looked dead! And she was holding a card with a cryptic message. "I ATE'NT DEAD"? What could that mean? It was strange, and she decided she'd better tell the headmaster.
--------------------------------
Ginny came to the gargoyle and said the password. She knocked on the door at the top of the staircase. "Come in." said a voice. It didn't sound like Dumbledore. Cautiously she opened the door to see a man who most definitely wasn't Dumbledore.
"Where's Dumbledore?" she asked.
"A question I am not certain I can answer, but I believe he is currently sitting in my office in Ankh-Morpork. Who are you?"
"I'm Ginny Weasley. Do you know when Dumbledore will be back?"
"No, though it will probably be when I leave. I am Lord Vetinari. I am acting headmaster until he returns. What did you want?"
"Er, there's a strange woman on my bed, and she's holding a card saying I ate'nt dead, whatever that means. I was planning on going to bed now, but I can't while she's there. She looks dead."
"That would be Mistress Weatherwax, and she's not dead, she's Borrowing. I would advise you not to disturb her. Good evening."
Ginny left, and it wasn't until she was halfway back to the dorm that she realized that she still had nowhere to sleep. Maybe Hermione would know what to do. She turned and went to the library. Where Madame Pince usually sat, there was an Orangutan, and on the floor was what looked like a crumpled camera (which was exactly what it was, as it happens.) Where Hermione usually sat, occasionally accompanied by Ron and Harry, there were three different people. They looked old enough to be professors. Next to them was a stack of books. Curious, Ginny ambled over.
"It keeps talking about magic in these damn books. I hate bloody magic." The older of the two men was grumbling. Ginny looked at the stack of books. They were all of the school's books on Harry Potter, which she may or may not have read several times since first year.
"Er, excuse me," said Ginny, a little nervously, "But if you're trying to find out about Harry Potter, you could ask him, though right now I'm having a little trouble finding him now."
"Harry Potter? The skinny kid with the glasses?" said the older man.
"Well, yes, I suppose," said Ginny, taken aback. She wasn't used to thinking of her longtime crush in such unflattering terms.
"Can't. He's taken my place in Ankh-Morpork. Probably messing it up too."
"Excuse me, where?" said Ginny, confused. Now she registered the strange clothes they were wearing. Armor and Chain mail? Swords? What serious wizard would wear that? "Er, who exactly are you again?"
"I'm Commander Sam Vimes of Ankh-Morpork watch, in Discworld, which isn't here. This is Sergeant Angua, and Captain Carrot. You are?" Vimes asked, glaring.
"Er, Ginny Weasley. If you want to know more about Harry Potter, those books don't really do a good job of it. They really are inaccurate, and they only talk about him when he was a baby. The rest is too recent to be in the library."
Vimes groaned and banged his head down on the table, "Bugger," he said, "bugger, bugger, bugger."
Ginny was shocked at hearing profanities never revealed in Hogwarts, although they existed.
"How are we going to find out about them?" asked Angua, "If he's not here, and the books are inaccurate, what are we supposed to do?"
"Well, I know a lot about them," said Ginny, "his best friend's my brother, and we're friends too, sort of. I've even been on some of his adventures. The rest Ron told me about."
"Well, how do we defeat Voldemort? That's what we've got to do, what'd he do?" said Vimes.
"I think it has to do with love," said Ginny, "his mother died to save him, and that's protected him against Voldemort. When he did the killing curse, it just bounced off of Harry's forehead. That's why he has the scar."
"So that's it? Love? I'm sure we could easily arrange that, I'll just get my wife, Sybil, and we can certainly arrange some love to defeat him!" said Vimes, "Carrot and Angua can help too, knowing them." Angua blushed.
"We will definitely help as much as we can, sir!" said Carrot, "Voldemort has broken practically every law in the book!"
Vimes looked at Carrot incredulously. He always forgot how naive Carrot could be when it came to sarcasm and jokes.
"I think there's more to it than just, er, making love," Ginny broke in, "there probably will be some sort of final battle, a test of magic. Harry is a very powerful wizard you know."
"Bloody magic! How are we supposed to defeat him using bloody magic? None of us are bloody wizards, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use magic in my watch."
"You, you're not wizards?" Ginny stuttered, "Are you squibs?"
The three Ankh-Morporkians looked at each other.
"What's a squib?" asked Angua.
"If your not squibs, then you must be muggles! Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against muggles, but what are you doing in Hogwarts? I thought we had defenses to keep you away."
"I don't even know what a muggle is," said Carrot, "I'm a dwarf, Angua is a werewolf, and Mister Vimes is a human."
"You're a dwarf?" Ginny asked. Even sitting down, Carrot was clearly far taller than she was.
"He was adopted," Angua explained. Ginny remembered what Carrot had said about her.
"And you're a werewolf? Do you take the potion? I've never heard of a werewolf who can't be a wizard, or witch." said Ginny.
"What potion? I just change when the moon hits me or I feel like it."
Ginny just stared. She was developing a migraine. Nothing that had happened since dinner had made sense. She decided to just go to bed. She slowly walked back to the common room and up to her bedroom. She was about to crawl into bed, when she noticed that old woman, Mistress Weatherwax, the man in Dumbledore's office had called her. Ginny groaned, wondering what she should do, when suddenly, an owl without a letter tapped on the glass. Ginny let it in, and it sat on the woman's head. Granny Weatherwax woke up.
"I found it!" she yelled, "I found one of those horsecruds to kill Voldemort!"
"That's great," said Ginny, who by now was eager to get rid of this woman and go to bed. Maybe it would all turn out to be a dream, or something. "Where?"
"Two short people with hairy feet are taking it to a fiery mountain to be destroyed. It's a ring. But it's trying to take them over!"