Peyton leaned against her front door as it slammed shut. She couldn't believe what was going on, it was happening all over again. She couldn't separate the past from the present as she rushed to her room. Peyton slammed her room door and collapsed onto the floor. She closed her eyes as she tried to block out the memories.
Flashback
"Peyton I'm sorry" Anna looked sympathetically at her daughter but she just turned away in defiance.
"I don't care, it's not fair." Peyton whined as she remained facing the wall. She crossed her arms over her chest and stood with her nose in the air and her mother behind her.
"Sweetie..."
"No! You're never here anymore. You don't even care about me, all you do is work." She could feel the tears building in her hazel eyes but she was determined to stay strong.
"I'm sorry but I have to work Peyton, come with me. We can read when we get to my office." Anna pleaded with the 10 year old. She hated the fact that she had to work so much but they needed the money. She wanted to spend more time with Peyton so she stayed home in the days and worked nights.
"I don't wanna go. I want you to stay here. You promised you would stay home tonight." The little girl's voice cracked as she realized she wasn't going to win. Her mom was going to leave and go to work no matter what she said. There was no way to make her stay home.
"I know I promised sweetie and I'm really sorry"
"You're always sorry and you always promise and then you always leave anyway. You're never home anymore, you never spend time with me." Peyton wiped a lone tear away as it slid down her cheeks. She didn't see why everyone else's moms were home at night but hers wasn't. She didn't' understand it and she didn't think it was fair. She hated her mother's new job because it broke their tradition. Reading and drawing were their things to do together at night but that never happened anymore because Anna was never able to be there. Peyton cried most nights but she always pretended like it was okay. She did her best to make her parents happy but she felt lonely. Sure her dad was there but her and her mom had always been close and Anna had just disappeared.
"Peyton please...I'll be here tomorrow and we can do whatever you want." Anna knew that it wasn't fair to Peyton but she was doing the best she could. Peyton was only 10 and she needed her mother around but their situation just wouldn't allow it.
"No...you won't be here tomorrow! Just leave me alone."
"Peyton..."
"You don't even care...I hate you" Anna's heart broke when the words left her daughter's mouth. She knew it was said out of anger but that didn't make her feel any better as she walked solemnly out of the room.
"Anna you know she didn't mean that" Larry pulled his wife into a tight hug in an attempt to comfort her.
"I know. I have to go." She said quietly as she grabbed her keys and her coat and headed outside with tears in her eyes. Peyton closed her room door and curled up under her thick comforter. She sat up suddenly and let her hands roam around on her bed and she found what she was looking for. She pulled the large teddy bear under the covers with her and buried her face into the fur as she did her best to hold back the tears. Her mom had give the bear to her on her last birthday and she had slept with it for last few weeks. It reminded her of her mom and it always made her feel better at night when it was cold and dark. Peyton didn't mean say that she hated her mom but she was still mad. Anna was her mother and it felt like she was being snatched away. Peyton was trying to deal with it but it was getting too hard for her to handle, it just didn't seem fair.
End Flashback
Peyton crawled over to her bed and grabbed her teddy bear from the edge. She held it close to her as she cried into the fur. It was always her fault and she was always messing up. She just couldn't seem to fix her life. She would be happy one minute and then everything would come crashing down. Every time Peyton thought things were finally going to be okay life would come back and hit her just a little bit harder then before. She was tired of all of it, she was tired of getting hurt over and over again.
Nathan and Haley pulled into Peyton's driveway and were glad to see her car in front of them. "Haley what am I supposed to say to her?" Nathan looked straight ahead into the dark. He knew that nothing he said would make Peyton feel better, there wasn't anything he could do other then apologize.
"I don't know" Haley answered honestly. "But right now we just need to find her" the brunette stepped out of the car and walked slowly up to the door. She didn't know what to expect. For all she knew Peyton could be sitting on the couch watching TV and as much as she hoped that was the case something told her otherwise. Nathan stood anxiously behind her trying to think of something to say. He felt guilty about what he had said. He didn't think about how Peyton would feel about being in the hospital. Somehow though, he thought she would still want to see Lucas. As Haley opened the door Nathan got the feeling that there was something else that had happened.
"Haley wait" Nathan stammered causing the brunette to turn and face him. "I'm not sure if I can do this" he still couldn't believe that he had forgotten about her mom. He always forgot and he always promised himself he would remember next time. He never did though. He should have known how hard things would be for her, but he wasn't thinking.
"Nathan we just need to find her, you can apologize later. We have to make sure she's okay though." Haley leaned forward and kissed Nathan gently. "It's done Nate. Don't beat yourself up over it, all you can do is try and help her through everything." She reached for his hand and gave it a light squeeze as she opened the door again and prepared herself to go inside, but she couldn't help but hesitate with each movement.
The blonde wiped the tears away roughly before crawling towards her bathroom. She couldn't find the strength to get to her feet and she didn't care to even try. All Peyton wanted was for the pain to go away. After 11 years or endless torture she was ready to give up...she couldn't find the point in trying anymore, it always ended the same. Peyton grasped the handle for the cabinet under the sink and gently pulled it open. The tears fell harder as she tried to forget her memories and the pain they brought.
She gripped the bag tightly in her trembling fingers and closed the door quickly. She unzipped the small pouch and through her supplies on the floor as she rummaged through everything. Relief filled her body as she pulled the blade from her bag. The blade still held a slight crimson tint from the last time she had used it. She placed her hands on the counter and pulled herself up on her feet. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and could see the dried tears and her bright red eyes. She held the blade tighter but she couldn't make herself move.
Flashback
"Peyton...sweetie wake up" Larry called quietly to his daughter as he shook her shoulders gently. He wished there was a way to avoid telling her, but he figured it was better not to wait.
"Hhmm" Peyton turned around slowly and opened her eyes to find her dad looking down on her. She could see that he had been crying because his face was puffy and his eyes were red. "Daddy what's wrong" Peyton asked feeling more awake now. She watched as tears started to fall from Larry's eyes and a knot grew in her stomach. Something wasn't right and she knew it.
"Baby come here" Larry sat on his daughter's bed and pulled her into his lap. She looked up at him with her hazel eyes unsure of what to expect. He didn't know how he was going to tell her, there was no way to make it easier. "Sweetie do you remember last year when grandma was sick..." Peyton nodded her head and she knew that something bad had happened, something really bad. She was old enough to know someone was hurt but she didn't know who and she didn't know how bad.
"You and mommy said she went to live with the angles and that it was better because she wasn't in pain anymore." Peyton watched as more tears fell from her father's eyes. He wasn't sure if he could do this but he knew that he had to, no matter how hard it was.
"That's right" his voice was quiet and she could hear it shaking. "Well tonight after your mommy left for work...she..." he didn't know what to say so he pulled Peyton into a tight hug, almost scared to let her go. She didn't want him to finish the sentence and she was glad that he didn't because that meant that it wasn't real yet. Everything could still be fine. Peyton just wanted to go back to sleep and she wanted to wake up in the morning and run into the kitchen and see her parent in the kitchen eating. "Mommy was in an accident sweetie" Larry forced himself to continue and he pulled her closer with each dreadful word.
"She's okay though. When can we go see her" Peyton knew the answer but she refused to believe it. It wasn't true...she was going to wake up in the morning and smell breakfast cooking just like she did every morning. She was going to go in the kitchen and everything would be fine and her mom would fix her a plate and they would all eat but her dad had to leave for work.
"Peyton...your mommy loved you very much..." Peyton caught his words and cut him off immediately.
"No she loves me...I wanna go see mommy" She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes again. The anger was back as well though. She was angry because once again her mom had left her alone, but this time she wasn't going to come back. She was angry at herself because she was angry in the first place. She just wanted to go back and find a way to make her mom stay home. If only for a little bit longer then maybe things would be okay. If she hadn't let her leave she would still be here.
"Sweetie your mommy...she's...she's with the angels now, like grandma." Larry tried to hold his daughter but she pushed him away and got off his lap.
"No...you're lying. No." Peyton screamed as she ran out the room. Larry got up and walked after her but as soon as he as out of her room he heard the front door slam shut.
Peyton ran all the way through the neighborhood until she came to a house she had come to know as her second home. She knew where the key was for the back door and she found it quickly. She unlocked the door and walked quietly into the living room and up the long staircase. She knew the house by heart and finding the room in the dark wasn't a problem since they would always sneak downstairs for snacks at night. The door wasn't shut all the way so she pushed it open, leaving it open only a crack.
She looked over at her best friend who was tucked soundly under her comforter. Peyton made her way to the foot of the bed and sat on the floor. She didn't want t wake Brooke up, she just wanted to be there. She didn't want to be in her room, in her house, so she went to the only other place she felt comfortable. She felt the covers shift as Brooke got ready to climb out of bed but when the brunette saw her she moved towards the top of the bed, holding herself tightly. Brooke looked at her quizzically and then smiled but for the first time Peyton didn't return the gesture.
"Peyton what re you doing here" Brooke's voice was cheerful as she crawled down to wear Peyton was. Her smile faded though when she laid her hand against the wet spot on her quilt. She looked down at the blonde and it was then that she heard the slight whimpering and saw her body shaking. "Peyton..." Brooke was scared now as she watched her best friend cry in front of her.
"Brooke she's gone. She's gone and she's not coming back..." Peyton started to cry harder as the words left her mouth for the first time and she forced herself to admit reality. Brooke pulled Peyton on her bed and they moved slowly up to the top. The two girls laid and under the covers and Brooke wrapped her arm around the blonde trying to comfort her the best way she knew how as Peyton's body became racked with sobs. Peyton never said who the 'she' was but as her best friend Brooke just knew.
"Yeah Larry, she's here..." Mrs. Davis said quietly into the phone and she stood in Brooke's doorway watching young blonde cope with such a major loss. "I'll make sure that she gets home tomorrow." She said before hanging up the phone and watching the two girls who were soon both in tears.
End Flashback
Peyton couldn't feel her hands as she stood over her sink. She could hear her name being called faintly in the background but she ignored it. She just didn't care anymore, all she wanted was for it to go away.
"Peyton..." Haley called as she and Nathan slowly climbed the stairs. She began to get nervous when there was no response and her feet automatically move faster. "Peyton..." she called out again but there was still no response.
"Haley what it..." Nathan began but the brunette immediately turned around and glared at him.
"Don't even say. She's fine...I know she is...she has to be fine." Haley said more so trying to reassure herself. She consciously climbed the stairs faster and burst into Peyton room as Nathan walked down the hall and checked the other rooms. "Nathan..." Haley yelled as she stood in front of the bathroom. He rushed back into Peyton's room, his nerves on edge. All he could hope was that he wouldn't find Peyton the way she was before. He stood behind Haley and wasn't sure what to do, but his body just responded.
"Pey..." Nathan whispered as he moved closer to her. She was braced on her hands and her face was a ghostly pale. Her didn't touch her because he didn't know how she would react.
"I told her that I hated her. I told Luke to stay out of my life. I told him that I didn't need him." Nathan watched as the tears slipped from behind her closed eyes. He took a step closer to her and rested his hand on hers. He gently slid the blade from her fingers and set it down on the counter.
"Pey...it's alright" He whispered gently as he laid a hand on her back.
"I didn't mean it" she looked up at him for the first time and he could see the pleaded in her eyes. She was begging for someone to believe her, for someone to take the blame away. Peyton could feel her knees giving out and before she knew it she was falling. Nathan quickly caught her and let her body rest against his.
"It's not your fault" He whispered into her curls as she buried her face into his shirt and cried.
"I didn't mean it..." She whispered again.
"I know" was all he said as he held her tightly in his arms. Haley watched the exchange and she couldn't help but cry. She wasn't good at holding things in and she couldn't imagine being in Peyton's position. She didn't know how anyone could tolerate all that Peyton did and she knew that she would never know.
Nathan pulled back from the hug and kissed Peyton's forehead. "Lucas is going to be fine but you still need to go see him."
"I know..." She said as she pulled completely away from him. She going to see Lucas was the right thing to do but she wasn't ready for it. She watched as Nathan walked over to the computer chair and reached for her leather jacket. Peyton saw the blade from the corner of her eyes and the only thing she could think about was the pain on Lucas's face earlier that evening. She had done that to him and if she hadn't told him to leave things would be fine. Her eyes remained focused on the blade as tears filled her eyes. She couldn't handle it anymore, she just wanted out.
"Peyton don't" They all looked to the door to see Brooke. She walked slowly towards her best friend and stood in front of her. "It's not worth it..."
"Yes it is...this...." Peyton looked around her and shook her head. "Life isn't worth it" More tears left her red eyes as she looked at the brunette. She couldn't find the point in anything.
"Yes it is..." Brooke whispered but Peyton just shook her head in disagreement. The blade once again caught her eye and she reached for it, gripping it tightly in her hands. "Peyton please..." Brooke could taste the salt that now stained her lips. She laid her hand on top of Peyton's and looked into her eyes to find emptiness and sorrow.
"Brooke I can't do this anymore." The blonde dropped to her knees letting the blade slip from her fingers and hit the floor with her. The brunette fell to the floor as well and engulfed Peyton in a hug.
"I know and I'm sorry" she buried her face into the blonde curls that were nor surrounding her.
"It's my fault...it's always my fault." Nathan and Haley could see the blonde's body shaking violently as she rocked back and forth on the floor, her arms clinging to Brooke's shoulder's.
"No it's not" Brooke said quietly but determined.
"Yes it is. It was my fault she died. I killed her. She would have been paying more attention and she wouldn't have run the light."
"Peyt..." Brooke tried to interject.
"It's my fault Lucas is in the hospital. He was supposed to be in the house, he never should have been driving but I told him to leave. I'm the reason he was out there in the first place. I was being selfish and I didn't think about him and now he's hurt and so is everyone else."
"Stop it...it's not your fault...it was never your fault." Brooke held the blonde tighter as they rocked back and forth but she knew it wasn't helping.
"It's my fault he's gone..." Peyton whispered.
"But he's not gone Peyton...." Brooke reassured her but Peyton shook her head again.
"Yes he is and it's my fault, I killed him..." The tears stopped falling and her eyes stayed closed. It just hurt, everything just hurt.
"Peyton, Lucas is fine, he's gunna be okay" Haley said quietly but Peyton just shook her head again.
"It's my fault" she repeated to herself and to the others. "My son died and it's my fault. He should be here right now and he's not because of me..." No one knew how to respond as they finally understood what she was talking about.
"It is not your fault. It never was and will never be your fault Peyton. You never asked for any of this to happen and you're not the cause of it either. You don't have to blame yourself. No one blames you, no one has ever blamed you because there is no one to blame. It just happened Peyton" Brooke held her best friend even tighter as she broke down crying again.
"But why" Peyton whispered into Brooke's chestnut hair.
"I don't know..." Brooke answered honestly.
"Maybe there wasn't a reason or maybe there was, we might never know that. But you don't have to use yourself as the excuse because you are not the reason." Haley kneeled down beside the two girls and rested her hand on Peyton's back. "Peyton...I know it's hard and I know you don't feel ready, but you should go to Lucas. You two will always need each other and right now he needs you. He's not gunna blame, he's just gunna be hurt if you're not there when he wakes up. He loves you and I know that you love him so support him the best that you can. He doesn't want anything other then your heart Peyton, you gave it to him once, let him have it again. He's not going to hurt you." Peyton looked up at Haley and nodded slightly before resting her head on Brooke's shoulder again.
"Come on Peyt...we're all gunna be with you. And Lucas will be there for you too, whether you realize it or not." Brooke stood up and she and Haley helped Peyton to her feet. Nathan helped her get her jacket on before they all left the house. Peyton had listened to what Haley said and she knew that she was right. But that wasn't her problem. She didn't have a hard time believing that Lucas wouldn't hurt her anymore...she was scared that she was going to hurt him.