I Don't Care

"I need to talk to you." Remus Lupin gave a sigh as he recalled those damn words that now imprison him with the last person on earth he wanted to be with alone. Not that he hated her, oh no, quite on the contrary. In fact, it was love that prompted him to stay as far away from her as possible. But not for long, he couldn't. Now, he was trapped unmercifully, and against his common sense. And he was worried… worried that he would give in this time.

"Remus…" Oh… her voice, once so dear to him, was now his greatest fear, for he knew that sooner or later, he would crumble down to her will. It was already hard enough to put up a fight against his own feelings, let alone denying hers. But he couldn't back down now… He couldn't put her in danger…

"Remus, why can't we be together?" Nymphadora Tonks pleaded softly, her mouse coloured hair betraying her distraught and depression. There was once upon a time, when things had been much simpler, that her hair was of a vividest, loveliest pink. In fact, as an Auror who needed to disguise herself constantly, she was rather noticeable… and lovable. She was once the heart and soul of all who knew her. Now, because of him, of his desire to protect her, her youthfulness and playfulness were gone. He knew they both tried to pitch themselves into the Order more seriously to forget about their problems, but she couldn't. And neither could he.

With each day spent amongst the werewolves, vying for their support, he thought of her, and how much he would have liked to have her by his side while they were carrying out duties for the Order. But almost instantly, that thought was contrasted with his worthlessness. How could he, a werewolf, unemployed wizard, offer her what she should have and more? He cringed at the thought of her living in fear everyday for his return, afraid for his freedom, afraid for his life, and afraid of his inner monster that might be unleashed on anyone at anytime. He couldn't let her have that. He had to let her go. He must let her go.

"Fleur didn't stop loving Bill because of what he has become. Just because he was bitten by Greyback doesn't mean anything. He's still Bill Weasley. Nothing has changed. Why can't you see that too? I love you, the person you are, not what you become once a month…" Nymphadora whispered when Remus did not answer, close to heartbreak. She had been tortured these past few months, tortured by the fact that he wouldn't let her in, no matter how much she assured him that she did not care about his lycanthrope. Though gratified that he thought more for her than him, she knew that this was bringing them both unwanted pain and sorrow. What he was once a month was a small price to pay. She would exchange her whole world to be with him. "Remus, please answer me…"

Finally, the sandy-haired man spoke in tones of great sadness, "I've told you, Nymphadora. I am…"

"Yes, yes, I know that you're 'too old, too poor, too dangerous', but I don't care!" she cried out, near hysterics. She got up from the armchair she had been seated in and started pacing distractedly in front of him. "I don't care, Remus! I don't care that you're thirteen years older than I am. I still love you all the same! What does age matter? I don't care that you're poor, I can earn enough for the both of us! And as for your alleged danger, do you think it's more dangerous than me being an Auror? I am one of the field agents, Remus! I am prepared for danger! What's more, why else would I join the Order? You should know, for you did too! We both know the dangers we are exposed to, yet we still put our backs into it! We can make this work!"

"But this is different…" Remus tried to argue back, though he knew he was doing a fairly poor job. Maybe it was because he didn't really want to protest. Maybe, deep down, he wanted to be in her arms, to be the one she loved and cherish, to be the one man in her life. "I am a werewolf. I am a dangerous creature, Nymphadora. Say what you like, but I still am. I can't expose you to danger, or even let you be worried on my behalf. That won't be fair to you…"

Nymphadora let out a frustrated sigh. "I don't care, Remus! I've told you, is my being an Auror more dangerous than you are? You have your Wolfsbane Potion to keep you sane during full moons! Me, what do I have to keep me safe? Nothing! Nothing except my wand and my reflexes and… and the existence of the people I love, to remind me that I am loved, and shouldn't give in just yet! Remus, please," she said, no longer angry or disappointed, "please, let me in. I know what I am getting into, and I don't care. I'm already worrying enough about you as it is because I have no damn way to be sure that you're all right. I want to care, Remus. I want you."

Remus buried his head in his hands in defeat. He wastrapped, and by more than her mere presence. He was trapped by her words, and how it was all so true that he couldn't help but want to accept them. He knew that he wanted her too, wanted her to be his to cherish and love unconditionally. Yet, his stubbornness took over him as he tried to make one last attempt to shield her from the werewolf in him.

"Nymphadora, listen," he drew a deep breath before continuing, this time no longer avoiding the subject. "I love being with you. I have been as miserable as you these few months. Every time I'm on duty, I think of you, and of how soon I can see you again. But let us face facts. I know where I stand, and I would never be able to offer you what you need, and what you should have. We are… simply too different, Nymphadora. We can't be together. I am already risking much by admitting my feelings. What if the potion went wrong one day, and I accidentally bite you? Or even worse, kill you? I'd never forgive myself for allowing you to even risk such pain. I cannot, Nymphadora. I cannot risk your death. I must let you go. I cannot let you get hurt on my behalf. Please understand. Don't make this harder than it already is, Nymphadora. It kills me to leave you, but I know I must."

For once, Nymphadora was silent. Then when she spoke, a small smile was miraculously playing on her beautiful lips. "You say that you can never offer what I need, yet do you know that all I want, all I need right now, is your love? If you do not love me back, then maybe you speak some truth. Only your goddamn stubbornness is making this harder than it should be." Nymphadora stopped her pacing and knelt in front of him, staring straight into his eyes. "I've told you, Remus, that though I am so much younger than you, I know what I am getting into. I know that there is every chance, every possibility that I might wake up bloodied and mangled and a werewolf to boot," Here, Remus gave an involuntary shudder as a very worrisome picture entered his mind. "but that is the same, if not more, with my being an Auror. Even worse, I fear for those I love. I fear for my parents, and I fear for you. And because of that fear, I want to spend every moment I've got with you, right here, right now, before it's too late, before one of us is gone forever beyond reach. Oh Remus, don't you see? I only want to have these last few moments with you. I have lived my life everyday as if it would be the last day I will ever live. I don't want to hold any regrets if I should ever be killed in the course of my duties, as an Auror or for the Order. This way, I will not fear so much than before…" She got up, sat on his lap and, not giving him time to respond, embraced him, laying her head on his shoulder, "because I am with you."

Remus only hesitated for a moment before gathering her in his arms, hugging her back tightly. He gave up trying to fight the inevitable. Truth was, he didn't even want to fight it. Everything just felt… right. All that's happened so far, the battle of the Department of Mysteries, Sirius's and Dumbledore's recent death, they went away like some event long gone as he held her, never wanting to let go. For a moment, he let himself drift away from the harsh present, wanting a moment, if only a moment, of pure bliss and no responsibility. For a moment, he wanted to forget about everything, the war, Voldemort, the Death Eaters, and what was left to be done. He wanted to think of only her. She was right. He shouldn't throw away such a beautiful thing as love when it was glaring in his eyes, and when it was eternal when life was not. Life was short, so shouldn't he live it to the fullest? James and Lily did, and Sirius won't want him to live a half-life like he did. They'd want him to live life, experience life, just like those days when they became Animagi to accompany him during full moons, so that he wasn't so lonely, or having to endure such excruciating pain on his own, at their own risks. And Dumbledore… He had always claimed that love was the greatest magic of all. Right here, right now, he saw, and felt, how extremely true that was, as he lay here, in the arms of the woman he loved.

"Oh Nymphadora…" he whispered into her ears softly as he began stroking her hair. It was enough indication for her. She smiled slightly as she tightened her hold on him. She wished she could stay in that embrace forever, oh so warm and comforting, needing nothing else in the world but Remus Lupin. A feeling of elation filled her heart and spread through her body, tingling her every single nerve and sense. Her reason to live, to fight, and to win. He was hers, as she was his. "We can do this together, Remus. We can…"

Words were useless as they locked in each other's embrace, not wanting to let go. Comfortably, they assured one another by the simplest touches and caresses. At length, Remus broke the silence by commenting how unlikely their coupling was.

"I wonder what Sirius would say if he knew," he reflected smilingly. Nymphadora grinned too.

"Oh, I know. He'll claim the right to give the brotherly speech of 'treat my little sis well or I'll ripped off your legs and hex you into the next week' or some of that sort, of course. After all, he's the closest anyone in my family ever came to becoming my big brother. And your Marauding partner-in-crime, together with Harry's father."

He smiled sadly at the recollection. Now his two closest friends were gone, but he was still here. He would not disappoint them by denying himself any longer. James certainly didn't, he thought as a ghost of his old smile played on his lips.

"Kiss me please, Remus, kiss me," she beseeched him. Obediently and lovingly, he met her proffered lips in a long, deep kiss. He would love. And he would fight for her, come what may.

– Finis –