Chapter 39 Closer
1880
Brian stepped through the gate of the cemetery, his steps tentative and careful as he broke into the father and daughter's private world. Sully didn't take his eyes off of the young man. He knew Brian well—far beyond simple dinners and family gatherings he had attended with Abby. He was one of the most steadfast and persistent people he had ever met in his life. He watched the young man's eyes, traces of guilt and confusion emanating in waves as he looked at Abby, and Sully hoped against hope that her metaphor was an imperfect one.
Sully and Abby stood up, and she took his hand in hers imploringly. "Pa… I need to talk to Brian for a few minutes."
"Ok," Sully gave her hand a quick squeeze, wishing he could do more, but knowing he had to let go. "I'll wait for ya in the wagon."
"That's ok, Sully," Brian stepped forward, his stance a little taller, "I'll take her home."
Abby scoffed and turned around, her hands tight fists over her hips. Sully raised his eyebrows and looked at Brian. "Ya sure about that, son?"
Brian nodded defiantly, his focus narrowing on Abagail. "I'm sure."
Sully kissed Abby on the cheek, hoping to defuse some of the anger burning in her eyes. To no avail.
Neither Abby nor Brian spoke until Sully was out of earshot, and even then, words were difficult to find. Finally, Abby attempted indifference, crossing her arms tightly over her chest in fists. "Well, who's goin' to take Sarah home if you're busy playin' driver for me?"
Brian sighed and looked down. "Sarah understands. She's goin' home with her family."
Abby bit the inside of her cheek, finding it a bitter taste. "Of course she understands. Sarah's a very understanding and caring individual."
"Are ya jealous?" Brian reached out and grabbed her fist.
Abby tightened it. "Do ya want me to me jealous?"
Brian ran his thumb over her fingers. "No, of course not, but I want ya to stop hidin' and feel something'."
Abby stepped back, pulling away from his touch. "You're the one dancin' with somebody else!"
Brian's hands fell down to his side. "You said no, Abby! You keep saying no. What was I suppose to do?"
Abby rubbed her forehead, confusion suffocating her. "I know. I'm not… I'm not mad about that. But I saw how you were lookin' at her. How she was lookin' at you. I'm not blind, Brian."
Brian put his hands on her shoulders and forced her to turn around. "Then how come ya can't see me standin' here? I am here for you—I have always been here for you. I don't know what I can say to convince ya that I'm not goin' anywhere. 'I love you's' not enough, is it?"
A gust of wind blew straight through them, and she looked to her side, avoid his gaze. Her eyes landed on her mother's name, sending an icy chill down her spine. "This is my mother's grave… Did ya know that?"
Brian nodded, following her gaze. "I think so. It's strange to think that someone besides Dr. Mike is your ma."
Abby smiled sadly, closing her eyes at his words. "I don't want to be first only to find out I was second best, Brian."
Brian narrowed his eyes at her, not making the connection. "I don't believe this. It's just another excuse for you, isn't it?"
She opened her eyes, stepping backwards slowly. "What are you talkin' about?"
Brian followed her, not letting her create any space between them. "You will do anythin' to put distance between us. Say anything, dream up anything! We are not your parents, Abby! The only people that matter here are you and me. Nobody else. But if ya can't see that, then I guess I have been wastin' my time all these years. And maybe… maybe you're right."
Abby stopped moving and shook her head, now confused. "What are ya sayin'?"
Brian took a deep breath and said with quiet certainty, "Unless you give me a reason to stay, then I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Abagail swallowed and felt the chill of the night run down her spine as Brian waited for an answer. She couldn't move her mouth as her thoughts battled their way to the tip of her tongue. Time passed between them, and the air seemed to stale as she didn't move or speak. Finally, Brian sighed and backed away, dropping his hands to his sides. As she watched him walk away from her, she felt the weight drop from her body, and she could feel her ligaments snapping as he gave up. Suddenly, all thoughts were gone, and nothing held her back.
"Wait!" Abby burst forward, reaching for his hand. "Wait. I—I…"
Brian stopped, but didn't turn around. "You what, Abby?"
"I… don't want you to go," she whispered almost inaudibly.
He looked over his shoulder and asked again. "Why?"
"Because…" Abby looked at their joined hands, and saw how they simply fit together without annoying questions like these, "well, you know why."
"You can't say it, can ya?" Brian began to take his hands back, but Abby quickly grasped his hands in hers, and pulled him against her, desperately searching for and finding his lips. He was right. She knew he was right. She couldn't say it.
But she could show him.
"But I'm not sleepy, Mama!" Stephen protested as they ascended the stairs together.
"Yes, you are," Michaela sighed. Stephen was always a handful at bedtime, but without Sully there, she knew it was going to be a very long night.
"Katie and No Harm get to stay up!" Stephen halted, planting himself on the second to last step. "Why can't I?"
"You're just not old enough yet, Boo. Besides we've got work tomorrow, remember?" Michaela held her hand out again, and Stephen gingerly took it with a defeated, but accepting sigh.
As they approached his bedroom door, Stephen scooted closer to Michaela's leg and held tighter to her hand. "I-I can't go in there, Mama."
"Why not?" Michaela whispered back, wondering what it was going to be tonight.
"There're lions under my bed." Michaela looked at her son's all too serious, wide-eyed expression. He was so exasperating, but he was the light of her life. She racked her brain, thinking of some of Sully's tactics to get Stephen in bed.
"Well Boo, why don't we scare them away?" She watched her son's eyes as he contemplated the proposition, and she wondered if the idea would stick.
"Oh no, Mama. The lions are asleep. They wouldn't hear me." Michaela closed her eyes, trying not to laugh. She knew she shouldn't let him have his way, but the thought of being alone right now…
"Well, what if you fall asleep in Mama and Papa's bed? I'm pretty sure there aren't any wild mountain lions under our bed." Stephen grinned triumphantly and ran down the hallway ahead of her. By the time Michaela got there, Stephen had already stripped down to his long-johns and was happily curled up on Sully's side of the bed.
Michaela pulled the covers up around his chin and sat down beside him. He was wide awake and full of questions. He reached over to her beside table and dug through her medical bag, grabbing her stethoscope. He quickly stuck the earpieces in his ears and began to listen to her heart with a concentrated brow.
"It's beatin' fast, Mama!" Stephen's eyes widened. "Are ya scared?"
Michaela laughed nervously and quickly took the stethoscope out of his ears. "I thought you were going to go to sleep?"
Stephen huffed and curled to his side, his question forgotten as another one came to his head. "When do I get to do a… um… sur…sur…?"
"A surgery?" Michaela smiled and took his small hands in hers.
"Yeah! When do I get to do one of those with ya?"
Michaela could remember having the same impatience when she was Stephen's age. And she would give him the same answer her father gave her, "Not until you're much older."
"I can't do anythin'. I'm tired of bein' a kid."
"Oh Boo… You don't want to grow up too fast. I want you to be as happy and as wonderful as you are right this second every day for the rest of your life." Stephen contemplated his mother, wondering if what she said was true.
"Will you sing me our song?" Michaela sighed, leaning over his chest.
"Without your sisters? You know I've been singing that song to Abby since she was a little baby."
"Well, if we all had the same bedtime…" Stephen suggested as his bottom lip came out a little bit.
"Ok Boo. You certainly aren't getting any older tonight." Stephen quickly clamped his mouth shut and waited in anticipation. Michaela and Stephen locked eyes, and as she sang, he began to drift into the comfort only a mother could give.
Slumber, my darling,
thy mother is near,
Guarding thy dreams from all terror and
fear,
Sunlight has pass'd and the twilight has gone,
Slumber,
my darling, the night's coming on.
Sweet visions attend thy
sleep,
Fondest, dearest to me,
While others their revels
keep,
I will watch over thee.
"Her eyes, Lina," Stephen looked up from the constant, droning stare he had being entranced in for the past two hours. "She believed it. She trusted it."
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at
rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber,
my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will
shield thee from harm.
"If I had been older, if I known more…" Stephen ran his fingers through his hair, his frustration and sadness turning into harsh, sardonic laughter. "If they didn't fall in love…"
Slumber, my
darling, till morn's blushing ray
Brings to the world the glad
tidings of day;
Fill the dark void with thy dreamy
delight--
Slumber, thy mother will guard thee tonight,
Thy
pillow shall sacred be
From all outward alarms;
Thou, thou are
the world to me
In thine innocent charms.
"But how can you ask that of people, right?" Stephen whispered as Lina reached across the table, placing her hand over his.
Slumber, my
darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs
are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And
pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.
"Michaela." She jumped from her slumber when she heard her name, and she looked up to see Sully kneeling down beside the bed.
"You're back," she whispered, when she felt the warm body of Stephen beside her. "I guess we fell asleep waiting. Is everything alright?"
Sully met her eyes, not sure what to tell her of the conversation with Abby or anything else for that matter. "Let me put Stephen in his room. I'll be right back."
Michaela got out of the bed and began to take the pins out of her hair as she waited for Sully. She opened the door and walked towards the top of the stairs. She could hear the low whispers of No Harm and Katie. Despite what she knew, she smiled.
She felt Sully's touch as her hair cascaded around her back. "When I came home, Katie was teachin' him how to play checkers. I think we can trust 'em."
"I think so too. He respects her a great deal." Michaela and Sully froze for a moment, as they felt their questions being voiced without words.
Sully took her hand in his, running his fingers over the base of her fingers, holding tight when he found the solid, shiny wedding band next to the weathered engagement ring. "Ya know I do."
Michaela nodded slowly. "It's just when I see them—"
"I know. It was different for us. But we're ok, right?" Michaela touched his cheek and nodded once.
"Let's go to bed." They walked into the lamp lit room, and as Michaela disrobed, Sully subtly checked the lamp to make sure there was enough oil to last the entire night. The nightmares would come and go, but her fear of darkness had never ceased.
"Did Abby find Brian alright?" Michaela asked as she crawled under the covers and slid halfway across the bed to his side.
Sully sighed as he peeled his shirt off and sat on the edge of the bed. "He was dancin' with another girl when we got there."
"What? Brian?"
"Abby tore off. So I stayed…and we talked about things." Sully turned his head and swallowed. "She wanted to know about her mother. About me, you, and Abagail."
Michaela watched the sinews move in Sully's back as she pulled the covers closer to her body. "What did you tell her?"
Sully bent over, taking off his boots. "The truth."
"Did she understand?" Michaela ran her hand across the down pillow.
Sully sat back up, his back tight and alive. "I think so. I'm not sure. I'm not sure we understand it sometimes."
"I know… As I was sitting with Katie and No Harm… I was suddenly filled with indescribable longing. It was like before." Her hand stretched across the pillow, almost reaching him.
Sully reached behind him, placing his hand over hers. "Ya know I'm here."
"Come closer to me." Slowly, Sully stretched out opposite her, sliding his hand over her thin cotton nightgown. He pulled her firmly against his chest, slowly knotting the flimsy fabric in his fist behind her back. Michaela inhaled sharply as her gown suddenly pooled up around her waist. She grinned wryly at him, despite the blush that still managed to creep into her cheeks, and as he came closer to take her lips, her hand deftly flew up to cover his mouth. "What if Stephen wakes up?"
"We won't make a sound. Just come closer." Michaela slid her arms around his back and fell into his open chest like a safe, sensual cocoon. Inside of him, she could break. She could fall apart. Inside of him, they wrestled her demons together, things they didn't know how to voice, but knew had such meaning, such terrible meaning. They didn't know. They hadn't known. They could only feel for salvation somehow together.
"I win again!" Katie tried not to laugh as No Harm frowned at the checker board in front of him.
"The Spirits are playing tricks on me today." He leaned heavily on the table, hiding his grin from her.
The firelight crackled around them, and Katie could see the light in his dark eyes. "Do not worry. You will learn."
"Tonight has been good. With your family. With you."
"It has. So…" She picked up a red checker and twirled it around her fingers as she played with hope, "You will stay? You will let us protect you?"
No Harm took a black checker and stacked it on top of a red checker. He watched her through glances. "I want to be with you. For you, I will stay."
"Good. I was hoping you would say that." She exhaled and placed a red checker over his black checker.
No Harm picked up a black checker, holding it tightly in his fist. "But you should know… It will never be safe for you to be with me. If the day ever comes when I am putting your life in danger, I will leave. Do you understand?"
Katie added another checker to their stack, avoiding his eyes. "I-I understand."
"Katie… Look at me… The Major who beat me in Wyoming... he was also at the Washita. His name is Joel Elliot. Do you remember him?" Katie dropped the red checker she was holding in her hand. Her eyes flashed to No Harm's.
"Yes," Katie paused for a moment, considering everything he was saying, and then exhaled, her eyes steely, "I will not let him hurt you again."
No Harm smiled softly at her complete fierceness, finding his hand drifting across the checker board to her face. "Hahoo," he whispered.
Katie swallowed as she felt the warmth from his hand and the darkness radiate from his eyes. She covered his hand with her own, and slowly felt the room grow smaller as he came closer. The feel of his lips from this afternoon came tumbling back to her, and she suddenly wondered if she had done it right, if he had liked it as much as she had, if he had forgotten the eyes of everyone around them like she had—"What about my parents!" she panicked as she pulled away from him, creating a safe space between them. "What if they come downstairs?"
Brian gave in for a moment, but it wasn't kisses he was searching for. Finding strength, he pushed away from her and began backing away furiously. "That's not what I want, Abagail!"
Standing there dumbfounded and lost, Abagail could hardly speak or move as Brian walked away from her. Before she knew what happened, he was gone. And without warning, her entire body collapsed beneath her. The grass and the dirt curled into her fingernails. The night winds screamed around her and she found herself looking up to the cold, stone grave where her mother rested.
"What would I have called you, Mother?" She cried, "Can ya tell me? Because I don't know. Can ya tell me why I can't tell him? Because I love him so much, Mother… I don't think I can live without him."
As Abagail fell on top of the soft mound, a quiet voice could barely be heard over the roaring wind, "I can't live without ya either."
Abagail's sobs came to an abrupt halt as her back stiffened and her awareness of another human being became all too acute. She closed her eyes, turning around as slowly as she could.
Brian was standing there with the most ridiculous grin on his face she had ever seen. "Wipe that grin off your face right this second, Brian Cooper! You're a no good sneak!"
Brian only smiled wider at that. "Can't do that. Abagail Sully loves me."
Abby pushed off of the ground and quickly pushed her hands on her hips. "Will ya shut up! Who cares if I love ya?"
"Well, I don't know. Let's see." Brian ran to the fence and climbed on top of it.
"What the hell are you doin'?" Abby ran after him as he leaned back and began to bellow towards the town.
"HEY COLORADO SPRINGS! BRIAN COOPER LOVES ABAGAIL SULLY, AND ABAGAIL SULLY LOVES BRIAN COOPER RIGHT BACK! IN FACT, HE'S EVEN GONNA ASK HER TO MARRY HIM!"
"Are ya crazy, Brian?" Abby screamed as she grabbed Brian's coat as she tried to pull him off the fence.
Brian fell off the fence, stumbling backwards as his hat fell to the ground. "Maybe. Ya have to be the most stubborn girl I've ever met in my life."
"You have completely lost your mind. I am goin' home!"
"Fine. But I'm takin' ya." Brian tried taking Abby's arm, but she jerked away from him self-righteously.
"I don't ride in wagons with sneaks!"
Charlotte watched skeptically as Brian jumped in the wagon and raced out of town behind a swiftly paced Abby. She noticed Mr. Bray contemplating the same scenario, and she quickly made a beeline across the dance floor to him. "What do you suppose is goin' on with my son and your granddaughter, Mr. Bray?"
Loren shook his head, truly bewildered. "Well, from all the ruckus Brian was causin', I say it's pretty much neck and neck so far. Although I wouldn't put anythin' past my Abby."
Charlotte chuckled when she saw that Brian had finally caught up to Abby at the far end of the meadow. "I just hope it's a weddin' we have to plan and not a funeral."
No Harm smiled shyly, his eyes full of secrets. "I understand. But they call you Lightening Woman, do they not?"
"They do."
"So we could steal a kiss, and they would never know." Katie bit her lip, hiding her excitement and temptation at his seemingly scandalous suggestion. She turned slowly towards the stairs, and when she didn't hear anything, she looked at No Harm and released her lips.
No Harm grinned and quickly leaned across the checker board. Katie could feel his breath against her skin, and she closed her eyes, inhaling in the moment. The moment was sweet, but just as their lips were about to touch, the loud banging of the front door sent them flying apart, and the checkers scattered all over the floor as they both jumped up to their feet.
"Go away, Brian!" Abagail spun into the kitchen, her curly hair wild and her pink dress splattered with mud.
"I'm not goin' anywhere until ya get your head out of the mud and say yes!" Brian screamed from outside the house.
Katie frowned, her wits gathered again, and asked, "Say yes to what?"
"He asked me to marry him!" Abby spun around, the picture of a Greek tragedy.
"Oh! That is wonderful, Abby!" Abby moaned and fled to the stairs, charging them two at a time. Katie turned to No Harm apologetically. "I should go after her…"
"Do not worry. You know how to make things simple and right." Katie stopped and exhaled. Like a flash, she pressed her lips against his lips before he had a chance to return the kiss.
"Hahoo," she whispered, and with that, she was half-way up the stairs.
No Harm leaned against the front door of the homestead as he let the cold air sweep over his body. He was wide awake, and he didn't know how he would be able to sleep after spending the evening with Katie. But his attention quickly went to the impatient young man, who was pacing back and forth in front of the front steps. No Harm looked back inside and then observed the poor, distressed fellow.
"Does she love you?"
Brian stopped in mid-stride and looked at the stranger. He didn't think to ask who he was, because the question was so bare, so to the point. "She does."
"Then you must woo her. Do not dig yourself into a hole by pacing up and down in the dirt all night."
"What should I do?" No Harm grinned and walked down the stairs.
"I will show you."
Katie found Abby lying across their bed in a heap. Just like when they were little girls, Katie nestled beside her sister and wrapped her arms around her. "I thought you loved him, Abby."
"I do," Abby sniffled.
"Then why don't you want to marry him?"
"That's just it. I want to marry him. I want everything with him. It's what I don't know that terrifies me."
"So you are willing to give up your happiness for the unknown, instead of taking it with what you know for certain?"
"I—" All of a sudden, the distinct clank of a rock hit the girls' window, and Abby and Katie immediately jumped to their feet. Katie pushed the window open just in time to hear the distinct sounds of No Harm's flute and Brian's harmonica playing Beautiful Dreamer together.
"Do you hear that?" Michaela whispered as the chords of music broke through their heated silence.
Sully chuckled as they rolled over, finding their own space again. "It sounds like Abby made it home safely."
Michaela grabbed her crumpled grown and slipped it over her head, curiosity overcoming her as the music swelled and Katie's laughter magnified down the hall. "Michaela…"
"What?"
"They need their privacy too." Michaela instantaneously rolled her eyes at Sully in the lamplight.
"Not when a concert is going on outside of my house!" She quickly made her way to the window and peeked outside.
When the last chords of Beautiful Dreamer faded, Katie clapped profusely while Abby stayed back in the shadows. Brian looked at No Harm skeptically, but he nodded confidently, and pushed Brian forward.
"Abby?" Brian called, "Can ya hear me?"
Katie looked at Abby, and Abby nodded silently. Katie called back, "She can hear you!"
"I know things haven't always been easy for ya. I know you're scared. But we love each other, and that should be enough to get us through anythin'." Slowly, Brian lowered down to one knee.
"Sully!"
"What? Ya havin' fun spyin'?" Sully moaned sleepily at her, amusement clear in his voice.
"Get out of bed right now! I think he's proposing!" Before Michaela could finish her next thought, Sully's chest was against her back, and she could feel his heartbeat racing.
"Which one?" He asked quickly.
"Brian," Michaela whispered as she slowly found his hand.
"I promise ya, Abby, I will love you till the day I die, if ya just give me the chance. Just let go, sweetheart, and marry me," Brian finished looked up to the dark window, where he only saw a sympathetic Katie looking back at him.
Katie turned to Abby and took her hand. Her sister was shaking. "It's ok, Abby. You can let go. I'll always be there to catch you."
"Promise?" Abby took Katie's hands in both of hers.
"I promise." Katie squeezed Abby's hands, sealing their pact. "Be happy, hemeho."
"Abby?" Brian called again, anxiety plaguing his face.
Katie came back into the window. "She's gone, Brian."
No Harm looked puzzled as Brian's face fell, and he silently put a comforting hand on Brian's shoulder.
"Oh no," Michaela gasped, putting her hand over her mouth.
But suddenly, their heads jerked as they heard the sound of thunder rolling down the staircase.
Brian stood up slowly and walked around to the front of the house. His heart was heavy as he turned to his wagon, but the door flew open, and silence no longer existed. Abagail ran out of the house, as if on angel's wings, and rushed into his arms. "Yes!" she said only once, but it was enough. It was enough for a lifetime.