Snape's Bad Day
Severus Snape woke up on the morning of July 16th, 2005 feeling that his 'End of Book' vacation was going to be anything but relaxing. Certainly, his emotions were running high after the ending of the recent Harry Potter book- even for a master of Occlumency, it took some time to remind himself that it wasn't real, that he hadn't just been forced to kill Albus Dumbledore, and that he could expect an offer of a lemon drop any day now. For it was true- Dumbledore was still alive in this world. But that didn't stop the Headmaster's death from weighing heavily on Snape's conscience. Stupid, really. Especially considering the fact that Sirius Black seemed to be trying to knock down his door (probably to try to play some nasty prank on Wormtail... all the better, in Snape's book, so long as Black didn't try anything on him. Rat torture was too fun to pass up).
"Wormtail already left," Snape said bluntly, not even opening the door. While the dog might be tolerable when he was bothering the rat, Snape was not about to tolerate Sirius' presence otherwise.
"That's not what I was here for this time," Sirius answered. "I think you might be be feeling a lot like me soon."
"I think I'd rather have failed at that Unbreakable Vow," Snape sneered. "Feel like an arrogant, reckless, annoying puppy?"
"You know what I mean, Snape. Feeling framed."
"Perhaps I would... but unfortunately, I, unlike you, actually committed the crime for which I am wanted. In any case, how did you come about the knowledge that I did not wish to kill the Headmaster?" The last part didn't come off quite the way he wanted; he was actually rather curious, against his better judgement.
"Being 'dead' has its advantages," Sirius shrugged. "I can just go and watch whoever I want. So I decided to follow you. Much more interesting than all that snogging, I must say."
Snape wondered inwardly whether he might end up having the same 'privilege' all too soon. But he soon turned his attention turned back to the unwanted presence of Sirius. "It's certainly nice to know that you've been watching me for a year... but, if you don't mind, I think I'd like some time alone." That should be enough for the dog to take the hint.
"Well, I guess I'll go if I'm not wanted... though you might be wishing for someone to cheer you up after all the mail you'll receive. They're rather depressing. Why I got letters was beyond me- I was supposed to be dead. I still can't believe some people actually sent Howlers though..." Sirius walked towards the door.
Snape stiffened. Howlers... Wonderful.
"Well, so long, Black," he said, then added under his breath, "and good riddance." He turned around to begin packing for the long trip to Bermuda that he'd planned well in advance (thank goodness for that, he thought), when he heard screams coming from his kitchen. The Howlers had arrived.
"YOU HORRIBLE, EVIL, VILE PERSON!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRUSTED YOU!"
"I HOPE HARRY USES YOU TO LEARN UNFORGIVABLE CURSES ON!"
"I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! NEVER!"
A hundred voices screamed at Snape from all directions, fires burning everywhere from the Howlers' explosions. Snape quickly doused the flames with water from his wand, but that didn't change the fact that his entire kitchen was covered in singe marks. This was going to be a long day...
One by one, the yelling voices dropped off, until only one was left- one that was, unmistakably, Harry Potter's.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE DUMBLEDORE TRUSTED YOU! AND YOU JUST WENT AND KILLED HIM! I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! I HATE YOU!" the Boy Who Lived ranted. Snape couldn't believe it- surely, Potter knew that the book was not real, that Albus was perfectly fine, currently having tea with Jo Rowling, and probably offering her a lemon drop at this very moment... But then, what was the Howler for?
After what seemed like an hour of being forced to listen to the painful repetition (which, annoyingly enough, seemed impossible to muffle in any way, and followed him no matter where he went), Potter's Howler finally died. In mid-sentence, too... Snape noted- apparently there was some sort of time limit to those things. He looked at the rest of his mail- the non-screaming type- and sorted through it with a spell from his wand.
"Cursed, hate-mail, hexed, hate-mail... quite Dark, actually..." he said, the envelope in question giving off a black aura as his wand passed over it, "and... undiluted bubotuber pus! Really... cursed, flame (literally)... Dumbledore!" Snape looked at the envelope carefully, half-expecting it to be some kind of nasty trick. But the letter was from the Headmaster of Hogwarts, as a quick spell proved. He pocketed it, then finished packing for his trip.
Feeling more ready for a nice long vacation than ever, Snape left his home at Spinners End with two suitcases (which had , of course, been charmed to hold much more than should normally fit in them), walked out of range of his own anti-Apparition wards, and Apparated as close as he could to the Muggle airport where his flight was waiting. It was impossible to Apparate across the ocean, of course.
"This is getting entirely out of hand," the Muggle airport security guard exclaimed as he pulled a large silver cauldron and several silver potions daggers from Snape's luggage. Snape quite agreed- he was quite sick of being pulled aside for 'random' bag checks at airports. The Muggle seemed to have different reasons for thinking this, however.
"You Harry Potter fans are quite ridiculous sometimes," he said (Snape moved suddenly, but held himself back from doing anything drastic). "What use is a huge silver cauldron, anyway? Next thing you know, people will be showing up with Dark Mark tattoos!" (Snape gripped his left forearm convulsively). "And is it really necessary to go to such lengths to imitate a character? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were Severus Snape!" (Snape stood open-mouthed in shock for a moment).
"Just give me my belongings back, and let me on my flight," Snape demanded. Noticing that the Muggle seemed reluctant to give up his silver daggers, he continued "And I know that I'm allowed to take those, if I declare them, and check them with my baggage. Which, you should note, I did." The Muggle relented, and Snape quickly put his belongings back together, realizing that he'd now have to run to catch his plane.
Of course, it couldn't be that easy. Just as he reached his terminal, Snape found himself surrounded by people (were they wizards or Muggles? Snape couldn't tell) wearing Harry Potter badges and pointing their wands at him, some of which, he realized quickly, were real.
"You, Severus Snape, are under arrest for the murder of Albus Dumbledore," declared one tall blonde girl from the group, who Snape could tell was a Muggle from the pathetic travesty of a toy wand that she carried. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." Snape figured the girl was simply quoting some American Muggle television show- the Ministry of Magic, offering suspects Miranda rights? The idea was laughable...
As if things weren't bad enough already, Snape heard his flight take off behind him. So much for that vacation...
"This Severus Snape stands before the court accused of multiple crimes- conspiracy against the Ministry of Magic, high treason, abuse of a minor, and the murder of Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore," declared the 'judge,' whose purposely messy hair (which seemed to have been dyed black with some kind of single-day Muggle dye), temporary lighting bolt-shaped scar tattoo, plastic wand, and pathetic robes (that seemed to be made from a hastily dyed women's bathrobe) made him impossible to take seriously.
Snape considered the ridiculousness of his situation. He was sitting in an uncomfortable metal chair, bound by non-magical ropes in some strange parody of a trial before the Wizengamot. Of course he was wandless- he had been so stunned by his 'arrest' that he was quite unable to repel one of the witches' Expelliarmus. And while his 'innocence' could easily be proved if he called Dumbledore, his fear of Ms. Rowling's wrath was enough to convince him that it really wasn't worth it... besides, he was wandless.
"How do you plead?" the judge asked, in as commanding a voice as he could muster. Snape glared at him.
"First, I would like to remind you that I do have the right to an attorney. So, I will say nothing until you assign one to me."
"Oh, very well. Miss Raven Looni will be your lawyer." Raven Looni stepped forward, and Snape immediately realized how appropriate her name was. She was a witch, no doubt- her wand attested to that, despite the fact that it was decorated with pink ribbons- but her robes seemed to be Muggle-made, and she seemed to be using some tiny Muggle device to listen to music from the Harry Potter movies. Certainly, Neville's toad would have been better able to defend him, Snape thought.
"Don't worry," Looni said, "I know you didn't do it- it was really an Inferius Doppelganger created by the Ministry of Magic to frame you! I'll convince them!" This made Snape, if anything, even more certain of his impending doom.
As expected, the trial went quite poorly for Snape. He had been bound by a certain Ms. Rowling never to reveal anything about himself that had not been specifically stated in the books, (under pain of death or worse), and it proved far more difficult than it should have to use the already voluminous evidence to much effect. The judge refused outright to listen to reason when Snape argued that bringing up his past as a Death Eater was double jeopardy, and therefore illegal, (though, Snape had to admit, he was appealing to Muggle law there- someone like Scrimgeor really wouldn't care about such trivialities) and that describing his treatment of Potter and Longbottom as "abuse of a minor" was woefully misleading. But the situation hit rock bottom when the prosecutor (was that Dolores Umbridge!) decided to call a witness.
"The prosecution calls Harry Potter to the stand," said that horrid, girlish voice, as the Boy Who Lived took the stand in a seething rage, sending off waves of hatred that were tangible to a normal person (and rather painful to a Legilimens).
Of course every single person in the court believed the famous Harry Potter instantly. Snape decided to ignore him- he was doomed anyway; why should he subject himself to Potter's accusations that he got Sirius killed (stupid boy; the dog was still alive and as ready to annoy him as ever) and that he betrayed Dumbledore (with the obvious implication that Dumbledore was a fool for trusting him... unacceptable)? Besides, his lawyer wasn't paying attention, either- she seemed, in fact, to be reading last month's Quibbler. So, Snape focused his efforts on getting that letter from Dumbledore out of his pocket.
Fortunately, the attention of everyone in the court was focused on Harry Potter (the boy's fame was finally useful, Snape admitted), so no one noticed the Potions Master's admittedly very odd-looking attempts to extricate the letter while still bound to the chair. After some time, Snape was victorious. He only had time for a few moments of mental celebration before he realized that the content of the letter was much more important than his pride at a time like this, and opened it.
It read,
Dear Severus,
This letter has been charmed to alert me when you hold it and say this phrase: "I love lemon drops and new pairs of socks." I imagine you might soon find this letter of great use, due to recent events in the Harry Potter series.
-Albus Dumbledore
Snape had never been more glad about Dumbledore's seeming omniscience. He was even willing to overlook the utter ridiculousness of the required phrase, though he did mutter "I love lemon drops and new pairs of socks" as softly as possible. Immediately, Albus Dumbledore Apparated with a small pop right outside the courtroom. Snape smirked- Jo couldn't blame him anymore. "I'd like to call my witness," he said, ignoring his lawyer (who was now humming to Hedwig's Theme). "Will Albus Dumbledore please come to the stand?"
The effect on the courtroom was instantaneous- every face turned to look as Snape in shock. Umbridge said, in a voice as false as ever, "This is an outrage! The murderer is calling his victim to the stand as a witness! Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but he's dead!"
"I think you'll find that I am not nearly as dead as you may have hoped," Dumbledore said in a serious voice as he walked from the back of the courtroom. "And I will witness for Severus- surely even you cannot convict someone of murder if the one they 'killed' is still alive." It was at this point that Potter finally got over his shock at seeing Dumbledore alive again.
"Professor! I thought you were... and he... but..." Potter said, stumbling over his words. "You're alive! But..."
A loud crack echoed around the room. To Potter's amazement, Dumbledore almost looked scared... "I'm sorry, Harry," he said as door to the courtroom flew open.
"Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore, I can't believe you would give it all away like this!" yelled a woman's voice. "What a mess... If I hadn't already killed you off, I'd make you regret this!"
"Ah, but you can't... not really. As you said, you already 'killed me off.'"
"And you, Severus Snape! You should have known that accepting such assistance was completely irresponsible! Consider the Pensieve scene between you and Lily that was going to appear in Harry Potter Seven to be no more." Snape's face dropped- surely she wasn't serious... he'd been waiting forever... The shocked look on Potter's face was almost enough to make up for this loss, however.
"But, I suppose, it isn't a complete disaster... all the witnesses seem to be in one place. OBLIVIATE!" she yelled, taking off with Snape (who was still bound to his chair) and Dumbledore before anyone else realized what had happened. Even Potter's memory had been wiped.
"Now, if you ever do that again, the consequences will be much more severe..." Jo Rowling said in a stern voice. "However, I did promise you a trip, Severus, and I shall follow through. Portus" she said, making Dumbledore's letter (which Snape still held in his hand) into a Portkey. "Now, farewell," she said, Apparating away.
"Well, that went better than I had hoped," Dumbledore said to Snape, as the shock wore off. "Lemon drop, Severus?"
"I think I'd rather be freed from this chair," Snape growled. "But a lemon drop can't hurt," he added in a much more pleasant tone, taking the candy.
Snape was wrong. A lemon drop certainly could hurt- if it came from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. It wasn't Albus' fault, surely, (he looked as shocked as Snape at the results of the candy-apparently, he hadn't even noticed that the candy was charmed, for obvious reasons) but that didn't change the fact that Snape spent the first day of his vacation in Bermuda with a three foot long, silver beard.