As Long As I'm With You
DISCLAIMER: Do you ever wonder if someone actually goes round and checks these things? If I didn't put a disclaimer in a fic would I get arrested or something? How boring would it be if your job was to sit in an office all day and check for disclaimers?……………Er, sorry about that……I got a bit distracted. Anyway, I do own Harry Potter………looks worryingly at the front door for police …..ok, maybe I don't own it! I'm sorry! It's not mine!
A/N – This just crawled inside my head and wouldn't leave me alone till I typed it up. Hopefully it's not a load of crap…. Elaine, I hereby dedicate this to you bow!
The black sky is split only by the odd glimpse of the moon through the clouds. Here I am, sitting at my open bedroom window, shivering in the breeze and listening to the silence.
He's gone.
I still can't believe it. Those two simple words rattle around in my head, taunting me. He's gone. And he just left me here.
Harry's seventh and final year at Hogwarts had just finished when he disappeared. It's been over three weeks and there's been no word from him.
He's gone. The endless tears slide down my cheeks as I sit here, like I have for the last 24 nights, and wait for something. Anything. He swore to me that he would love me forever. Me. Plain old Ginny Weasley.
He told me he loved me and the very next day he left.
I would be pissed off if I weren't too busy being worried out of my mind. Stupid idiot. He always feels like the whole world is his responsibility. Well it's not. And if he ever comes back I'm going to drill that fact right into his tiny little brain.
My eyes strain for any hint of movement. Any shadow darker than the rest. The wind isn't helping. Every swaying tree branch is a broomstick. Each rustle in the grass, a footstep. And each time Crookshanks passes, chasing a gnome, a thrill of hope runs through me as I catch the movement out of the corner of my eye. Hope that he's returned to me.
I look briefly at the small shape lying on the camp bed next to my bed. Hermione has barely said a word since Harry left. She's almost as worried about him as I am. Everyone is.
Dumbledore went mad when he found out Harry had gone. That he'd just walked out one day and hadn't bothered coming back. The whole Order is looking for him, and as many Aurors as can be spared.
We all know why he went. He even told me straight out that he was going to find Voldemort and kill him. Of course I didn't think he meant that he was going to leave the next day, I thought he'd show some brains and wait a while.
Harry's an incredibly strong wizard, I think even Dumbledore's afraid of him. And it's no secret that he's had to grow up incredibly fast. But he's out there right now, alone and unprotected, doing God knows what.
So now I'm left here, not able to sleep or eat, worrying about the only man I've ever loved.
I'm just about to turn and go back to bed, my eyes itching with tiredness, when something moves outside.
My heart leaps once more even as I'm telling myself that it's another bloody gnome.
But gnomes don't wear glasses. They don't have jet-black hair. And they definitely don't raise their emerald eyes to my bedroom window as though they have felt my gaze upon them.
For a second I forget how to breathe. He's back. Oh God, please let this be real. I don't want to wake up and find this is just some twisted nightmare.
Then he smiles and it's real.
I breathe at last and almost trip over Hermione as I scramble towards the door, all the while my heart is pounding in my chest and my mouth has gone dry. The poor girl doesn't even stir, she's had almost as little sleep recently as I have. Before I even realise it, I've thrown the door to the garden open and my bare feet slip on the dewy grass, splashing tiny bits of mud up the back of my legs as I run, but I don't care and I don't slow down.
He's back. He's alive and he's come back for me.
But my eyes sweep the empty garden. This garden that I have played in a thousand times since I was so little the gnomes scared me. And it's empty once more. The wind seems mocking as I try so hard to find him.
"Harry." One word drops from my lips and my heart shatters. It was just a dream. Another dream.
"Ginny." My whole body freezes, my breath catches in my throat. I'm afraid to turn around. I don't think I would be able to take it if I turned round and he wasn't there.
"Ginny, look at me." His voice comes again and I finally turn.
I have one glimpse of sparkling green eyes before his arms wrap around me and I am sobbing into his chest as he clutches me to him and rains kisses down onto my hair.
"I'm sorry Ginny, I'm so sorry I had to go." His voice is so soft and filled with love.
"So you bloody should be!" I raise my head long enough to slap his chest, although I'm sure the grin on my face gives away the fact that I forgive him. I would forgive him for almost anything right now if it meant I would never have to let him go again.
He winces at my slap but still manages a small smile.
"Not so hard Gin, I'm a bit tender."
I watch the pain gather behind his eyes and suddenly all laughter is gone.
"What's wrong Harry? What happened? And where the hell have you been?" I know I sound spoiled and demanding, but my constant worrying has taken its toll. He buggers off for almost a month and then comes back 'a bit tender'. I don't care how I sound and I don't care that just seconds ago I was ready to forgive him, all I care about is finding out why he went away the night after he told me he would do anything if it meant I would never have to feel pain.
"I'll explain everything to you Gin, I promise. Just not here." His voice is strangely calm, almost monotonous and he's looking around as though he expects something to jump out at us at any moment.
"Why not here?" I want to argue with him just to get out some of my frustration.
There's something wrong with him though, as he looks back at me and seems to think how to answer my question. Staring into his eyes I can't see anything there but pain. His smile is somehow more like a grimace. He seems…cold. Empty.
I want to scream at him until he snaps out of it and shows some emotion. I want to hear him say my name like he always used to when I was bugging him about something simple, the mixture of frustration and amusement, all with an undercurrent of love.
"To tell you why we can't stay here would mean telling you the whole story, and I'm not going to do that here so we have to go." He grabs my hand and starts to lead me away. Though my whole body is tingling from his touch I still resist him.
"That's a circular argument, Harry." I state simply.
"Ginny," finally a hint of irritation bleeds through his voice and he stops trying to drag me through the garden and turns to face me. "I got here as quick as I could, I left the second it was over. In about 5 minutes there are going to be about a hundred people swarming round here looking for me, including Dumbledore and most of the Order. So if you want to have a whole big discussion about why I left in front of all of them, your parents, your brothers and Hermione then we'll go inside and I'll put the kettle on while we wait for them to get here. Otherwise, just follow me."
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, Harry's just come back and seems willing to explain where the hell he went. On the other hand…he seems different. And there's a war on, and Polyjuice potion can be brewed easily by an experienced wizard.
I can see that he's getting impatient but I need to be totally sure that it's him.
"What did I tell you the night before you left?
"What?" Now he looks impatientandpissed off at me. Serves him right.
"You heard me Harry. You've been gone for a while and people have started noticing. For all I know you could be some Death Eater or something."
"Ginny, we do not have time for this." Now he's really pissed off.
"Just tell me or I start screaming blue murder and your little covert visit is suddenly a bit more public."
"Fine. You told me you would fight and die for me, and if your parents and brothers didn't like it they could get stuffed."
I can feel the grin stretching my lips, answered by a small smile on his face. One that disappears as a light goes on in the house. In the window of my parents bedroom.
"Now come on, we have to go."
This time I willingly let him lead me through the garden and into the woods at the back of the Burrow.
"Hold my hand, I'm going to apparate us somewhere safe."
My heart beats faster as I clasp my hand tightly around his. I can feel a slight tremble coursing through my body as I look at his intense face, coated in shadows.
I feel the tug on my hand before I hear the pop and suddenly I find myself in a brightly lit room. I look around to see the fire crackling merrily in the grate and a soft double bed. This room is sparsely decorated. Apart from the bed and the fire there is just a bedside table, small desk and a hard chair.
Harry lets me go and wanders over to the desk, upon which is sat Hedwig, who hoots happily as he removes something from the pocket of his robes and feeds it to her.
"You can sit on the bed if you want." He says to me without turning around. His tone is empty again. "Sorry I had to drag you out of the garden but Dumbledore put up anti-apparition shields around the Burrow."
"Where are we?" I don't move, instead I just stand there staring at his back.
"We're in a pub in Ireland. I just needed to get you away from there so we could talk properly." He still won't look at me. Why? Oh, Merlin, he's not going to break up with me is he? Tears prick at the corners of my eyes but I angrily force them back.
I've cried over him enough. If he wants to break up with me I will not let him have the satisfaction of seeing my tears.
"Are you going to look at me to talk or are you just going to stare at Hedwig? Because if you are then I think I would prefer to just go home." My voice is cold but it works, he turns round to face me and I can't stop a gasp as the firelight shows me what I couldn't see back in the garden.
Harry's face is covered in tiny cuts and bruises, his muggle t-shirt and jeans are torn and coated in blood. His eyes are on the floor, he can't even bear to look at me.
"Oh, Harry. What the hell happened?" The words fall from my lips even as an idea forms in my mind. He did not. Please just tell me he did not do what I think he did.
"I killed Voldemort." He did.
I can see the pain that those three little words cause him. He's always been this way. Even though his temper is a truly terrifying thing he's not a murderer. It almost killed him, living with the knowledge that he would have to murder somebody to keep everything he cared about safe.
My anger with him is temporarily forgotten as I slowly walk towards him and clasp his rough hand in mine. He still won't look at me so I place my other hand beneath his chin and gently force his face up until he has no choice. His eyes are raw and I get the feeling he would be crying if he had enough strength left for tears.
I raise my lips to his and kiss him softly. It's a chaste kiss, a touch as light as a whisper and he barely responds. I pull away from him and I can see something in his eyes. I think it might be relief.
He leads me to the bed and we both sit on the edge of it. He lets go of my hand and stares at me. Suddenly we are as awkward as we were at the end of my fifth year. The first time we were alone since we had come to terms with how we felt about each other.
It shouldn't be this way. Not now.
After a couple of minutes I can't stand the silence any more and I have to break it.
"Why did you go?" I immediately regret the question as he turns his face away from me and puts his head in his hands.
I wait for an answer, but he doesn't say a word.
"Please Harry, just tell me. Just talk to me!" Merlin, but that boy can infuriate me sometimes. I can feel the famous Weasley anger bubbling up underneath the worry and the love. "For God's sake! Have you got any idea what the hell I've been going through for the past couple of weeks?" I'm shouting now, without realising it I'm on my feet and standing right in front of him. He looks up at my last comment.
"You?" He lifts his head to reveal the frustration etched on his face, his voice is tight, as though it takes a huge effort to keep himself from shouting back at me, "Ginny, I've spent the last three weeks searching for the guy who murdered practically everyone I've ever loved. And then I killed him. I have seen things lately that would leave most people screaming non-stop for the rest of their lives. I've done things that will haunt me forever. You have no idea how hard it was just to stay alive, let alone kill someone else."
"Oh yeah?" I was screaming at him now, "I don't care! Ok, Harry? I don't give a shit! You told me you loved me and I believed you! We made love Harry! We had sex for the very first time and when I woke up in the morning you were gone. You may have been in hell for the past few weeks but believe me I was there too. Every single day I wondered what I'd done wrong, why you felt you had to leave that very morning. I woke up alone and I've spent every night since then crying my eyes out because of you."
My voice gives way as the tears I've been fighting against win the battle and slide down my cheeks.
"I love you, Harry." I manage weakly.
His anger is gone as quickly as it flared and he stands to put his arms around my waist. A good thing, since my legs seem about to give way.
"Ginny, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. But I panicked. I was so scared." He held me against him and stroked my hair soothingly as my body was racked with giant sobs.
"If you were scared then why did you go? Why did you leave me there, all alone?" I'm trying desperately to stop crying. It surprises me how many tears I actually have left.
"I wasn't scared for me, Gin, I was scared for you."
"Me?" I raise my head and look up into his eyes. They are so emotional now that it's almost daunting, for a second I have the feeling that they would be so easy to fall into. To just let go and drown in those emerald pools.
"What you said just before you fell asleep. About how you would die for me. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't take the chance that he would come for me and you would end up hurt or dead. Don't you see? If you died, that would be it for me. I don't want to live without you Ginny, I don't think I canlive without you. So I had to do something about it. I couldn't sit around and just wait. I had to go and make sure there was no way he could hurt you."
"But what if he'd killed you?" Somewhere in the middle of his words my tears stopped, but my voice is still soft.
"Then you would still be safe because I'm the only reason he would have to come after you."
I pull myself away from him and stare at him incredulously. "You're joking, right?" At his confused expression I give a sharp half laugh, "Harry, I'm a Weasley. Everyone knows how much we like muggles and muggle borns. We're blood traitors, remember? He would kill us as soon as he'd finished killing all the muggles."
Comprehension slowly dawns on his face and he looks at me with horror at what could have happened dawning in his eyes, "I'm sorry Ginny, I…I just didn't think. I was so sure that this was the only way you'd be safe. That either way it turned out you would be ok."
"You told me a minute ago that you didn't think you could live without me. Every single night you were away my heart cracked a little bit more. Do you really think that I would be able to go on if you weren't with me? If I could never see you again? Hold your hand, touch your cheek, kiss you?"
"Gin…I didn't want to hurt you. You're practically the only thing that makes my life worth living. I'm so in love with you, I just couldn't think straight. All I wanted to do was protect you at any cost. That's why I had to see you tonight, before I talked to anyone else. You're the only thing I could think about."
Tears are running down his cheeks now, and I hug myself, trying not to walk towards him like I desperately want to. I'm mad at him, I have to remind myself. But it takes so much effort to not wrap my arms around him and whisper that he's the only thing I think about too.
"What happened?" I blurt out, "tonight, I mean."
He gives a heavy sigh and absently wipes at his tears with the back of his hands, and the next time he speaks his voice is as strong as it ever was, though it's empty again. "I finally found him. This whole time I've spent just tracking him down and then tonight I found him. We fought and I won. That's it."
"That's not it, nothing is as simple as that. You can tell me, Harry. I know you, you have to tell somebody. It'll just go round and round in your head, slowly driving you insane. Just like that bloody prophecy did."
I'm the only person he's ever told about his prophecy, it was before we were even going out. I'd gone down to the common room in the middle of the night to find it in a state, chairs broken, a sofa tipped over, books strewn across the floor, cushions burst, just mess everywhere. And there was Harry, huddled in a corner just staring into space with dead eyes, not blinking.
I couldn't snap him out of it, eventually I'd just lost my temper and I slapped him, tears blurring my vision. I'd thought he was lost, but at my slap he looked into my eyes and whispered my name so softly that I could barely hear it. That was the moment my crush turned into love.
He'd cried, I'd held him, we'd talked and he'd finally told someone about the prophecy. He'd almost driven himself crazy. That night was the culmination of over a year of living inside a nightmare where he had to kill or be killed. He'd finally cracked and there is no way of telling if he would still be here today if he'd just been left there alone, huddled in a corner, replaying terrible scenarios in his mind, living in his imagination.
I cannot let that happen again. He's strong, so incredibly strong, but even he has a breaking point. He talked a moment ago of how he'd done things that would haunt him for the rest of his life and I can't let that happen to him. I can't let him destroy himself.
Which is why I'm putting my arms around him and holding him, the way he held me earlier.
"Ginny, I can't…not tonight. I need to work through it all in my head. There's so much…I don't even remember half of it. The thing I remember clearest is thinking that I couldn't die before I said goodbye to you properly. All the reasons I've ever had to fight against that bastard and the only thing running through my head as I stared at him was how I had to stay alive long enough to look into your beautiful eyes one last time and tell you I love you."
I swallow past the lump in my throat and somehow manage to croak out, "is that why you came back as soon as it was over?"
"Yeah. The second my curse hit him I knew it was over. And when his body hit the floor and the remaining Death Eaters panicked and fled, I knew that there was only one reason I was still alive. I knew that I had to see you, and explain everything to you myself. Everyone would know what happened within a matter of minutes. That's why I took you away, I knew that Dumbledore would go straight to the Burrow as soon as he found out, knowing that I'd come for you."
"We have to go back, Harry. They're all going to want to know what happened, Dumbledore's going to want to talk to you."
"I know. Just let me hold you for another minute and then we'll go back together."
Standing in this bare room, Harry with his arms wrapped around me, I feel strange. I have so many feelings in me right now. I'm still mad at him for running off like that. I feel relieved that he's back and he's safe. I'm secure in his embrace. I'm frustrated that he's not telling me everything, but I understand why he won't. But what I feel most is the overwhelming love we share.
I'm so lost in his arms that I don't even realise he's apparated us back to the Burrow until I finally step back from him and notice that the firelight has become moonlight. The clouds that hovered above me earlier have blown away, leaving a bright full moon, and a thousand stars glinting down at us.
I look at him and he holds out his hand to me.
"Ready to face them?"
I take his hand and smile at him.
"As long as I'm with you I'm ready for anything."
A/N – If you review I'll love you forever! Promise!