Unbelievable

by Sweetiepie1019

AN: I was bored in math with Rent and the song "Unbelievable" by Kaci Brown stuck in my head. Suddenly, a songfic is born! This is about the time between Angel's funeral and the finale. It could be from the movie or musical, really. I'm just posting it here. Italics is the song, underline is thought, and bold is a letter (like you write. Snail mail.)

Disclaimer: I quite obviously don't own Rent; Jonathon Larson would've done a much better job than this. Nor do I own "Unbelievable." The only thing I own are the crazy ideas that pop into my head and I put on paper, and a B in math.

I wish you didn't love me
I wish you'd make this easy
It was love that caught me
Now it's fear that keeps me with you

"Mimi!"

She froze, a needle poised just above her arm. She raised her tear-stained face to take in Benny's shocked and hurt expression. She dropped the needle and hugged herself, feeling the sweat run between her fingers as she shook. She sank into Benny as he murmured soothing words. It wasn't fair. Not to him. Not to her.

She wanted Roger. She wanted him to be Roger, and he couldn't be, and it wasn't fair, dammit! But she had to stay with Benny. She didn't know where else to go.


I want to be by your side
So I can close my eyes
To the growing emptiness inside that kills ms
When I'm with you

If Roger was here it would be different. She could be with him, and she'd promise she'd never do anything wrong again. Well, probably not, because she had too much pride.

Not when it comes to him, she told herself.

Oh, God, who gave a fuck? He was gone. She couldn't get him back now. Could she?

She looked down at the needle on the floor. Shaking, she kicked it as far away from her as she could. It wasn't far, because she was so weak, which annoyed Mimi a little. But she decided it was far enough. She pushed Benny away from her and stood up slowly. On her own.


You try to break me Try to hate me
So you can fall out of love
You want to make me believe that I'm crazy
That I'm nothing with out you

"Hey, sweetie. I just wanted to let you know that I've been clean for two weeks. Probably more by the time you get this letter. Mark gave me the address. I hope you don't mind. Hell, I hope you're still there. God, Roger, come home. I'm trying. I really am. I'll make it this time. I'm doing rehab and everything. I don't think I can do this without you. Come home, baby. Come home. Love, Mimi."

"Benny's there. What do you need me for? I don't know Mimi. I need time. Tell Mark I said hi. Roger."

It's unbelievable but I believed you
Unforgivable but I forgave you
Insane what love can do
That keeps me coming back to you

She held his letter and stared out the window. Tears fell silently as she searched for the face she knew wasn't there. Benny came up behind her.

"You love him don't you?"

She just nodded. Was there really a point in denying that anymore? Maybe if she hadn't before...

Benny was gone long before she got the courage to turn around to face him.


You're irreplaceable but I'll replace you
Now I'm standing on my own
Alone

"Come on, babe. What've you got to lose?"

She looked at him in disgust. "I'm off my shift. My time of wanting to please you is officially over."

He grabbed her arm, rather sloppily. She could tell he was seriously drunk. More importantly, he had a good foot or so on her, and she was weak enough as it was. "You whore!" His eyes were wide and bloodshot. "You fucking ..."

Tasers really were a girl's best friend.

As she left him twitching in the alley, she promised herself something. She was done at the Cat Scratch Club. She shivered violently as she pulled her coat around her more snugly, hurrying back to Benny's. Then something stopped her.

I feel you in my shadow
My heart feels cold and hollow
No matter where I run I see
Your eyes always follow me

Roger was home. He was home, and no one told her. Not Mark, not Benny, not Maureen or Joanne or Collins. Did they still believe she'd betray him again? How could she prove that that was over?

She stood across the street across from his apartment, staring at the place he'd been for an hour after he'd gone inside. Then, newly resolved, she continued on her way.


You try to hold me
Try to own me
Keeping something that's not yours
You want to make me
Believe that I'm crazy
Make me think that you're the cure

"What the hell are you doing Mimi?"

She didn't even look up from her packing. "I'm going, Benny. I can't stay here anymore."

"I love you Mimi." It was so quiet she almost didn't hear him.

She snapped up, eyes flaming. "Heard from Roger lately?" The blush that covered his cheeks for a moment and his brief glance to the floor was all she needed. She grabbed her bag and stomped out of the apartment. She threw a "See ya, Benny," over her shoulder before slamming the door.

It's unbelievable but I believed you
Unforgivable but I forgave you
Insane what love can do
That keeps me coming back to you
You're irreplaceable but I'll replace you
Now I'm standing on my own
Alone

It was so cold outside. She wasn't even sure where she was going. But there were two things she knew Roger couldn't stand in relation to her. They were drugs and Benny. Now she was going to be sure she couldn't get either. Going cold turkey. She laughed a little at that.

She wandered around until she found a tree in a nearby park that was partially surrounded by adjoining walls and a park bench. This was her new home, she decided. She sat down against the tree's base. Fishing out the last AZT from the bottom of the bottle, she raised it in a mock toast before swallowing. "To you Roger," she proclaimed cheerfully. "I must be insane," she added in an undertone, then threw her head back and laughed.

You're still haunting me
In my sleep
You're all I see
But I can't go back
Cause I know it's wrong
For us to go on
And I'm growing strong
To confront my fears

She bolted up from sleep, then immediately wished she hadn't. Shivers convulsed her body. A month without AZT in a park in the middle of a New York winter and she had picked up so many diseases she didn't even remember when that first cough had started. She'd never had that great of an immune system in the first place. Now she couldn't even call it coughing anymore. More like hacking really. She was dying, and she knew it. She hadn't even gotten a chance to go see Roger. Tell him she was clean. She was away from Benny. She couldn't hurt him anymore.

And with that thought, she began to hack.

It's unbelievable but I believed you
Unforgivable but I forgave you
Insane what love can do
That keeps me coming back to you

"Mimi?"

She tried to stop long enough to make sure she'd heard right. Was that...?

Her question was answered as Maureen leaped over the park bench and scooped her in her arms. "Mimi, oh God, Mimi, what did you do?"

Joanne hurried over to them, then stopped short at the sight of her friend huddled on the ground. "Jesus, Mimi ..." Maureen was already crying. Joanne gently took her shoulder. "Honey, we need to get her to a hospital ..."

"No." She had enough voice for that. "Take me to Roger."

Maureen and Joanne shared glances. Finally Maureen nodded, and said in a tight voice, "Ok. We'll take you to Roger."

She smiled. At least now he would know. She could finally tell him she loved him. That was all that mattered.


You're irreplaceable but I'll replace you
Now I'm standing on my own
Alone

AN: Love? Hate? I love reviewers in a weird and unholy way, so make my week and review!