Disclaimer: Don't own them, whish I did, but I'm not that lucky.
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What am I doing here, in a club full of teenagers jumping all over the dance floor? I should've never let Willow talk me into coming. I'm not feeling very cheerful at the moment. Well to be honest, I haven't been cheerful for quite a while now. That's probably why Will insisted I come. That, and the fact that the whole gang is here. She even convinced Xander to crawl out of his cave. At the moment he's sitting at the other table, talking to Robin and Giles. Yes, Giles is here too. Strange seeing him in a place like this, but when Willow puts her mind on something, nobody can say no to her resolve face. She is dancing with Kennedy right now, with Dawn, Andrew and the young slayers jumping all around them. Faith, on the other hand, is sitting across from me, finishing her second glass of JD. By the look on her face I'd say she's miles away. Guess I'm not the only one feeling down tonight. At least I don't have to pretend to enjoy myself, and can just sit quietly and try to relax a bit.
It's been almost a month since the big battle and the wounds are more or less heeled. My stomach still feels a bit funny, but after being stabbed in the middle of the fight and then bleeding for hours afterward and after jumping over the roofs of buildings that are going to hell (literally) behind me, I guess it could've been much worse. So, minus Anya and a bunch of girls that were still in their Backstreet Boys phase, we all survived. Hurray for us. Did that sound sarcastic? I promised Willow I will try to cut down on sarcasm. Well, my thoughts, my rules. She doesn't have to know. I guess I should be happy we saved the world again, but I think the whole deal of stopping the apocalypse looses its appeal after the second or the third time. The fact that you won gets overshadowed by the loss of people who helped you get where you are.
I guess I should say Spike was my great loss this time but a few days ago we talked to Angel and it turns out Spike's not dead after all, or at least he's still undead and kicking. Something to do with that funny necklace he was wearing. Didn't really pay much attention. We talked, he asked me to come to L.A., but with Angel there it would be too awkward and for some reason he can't leave town. Again the necklace thing I think. So we said our 'I love you's', said our goodbyes and moved on. I'm just glad he survived.
Unlike all those kids. I'm still trying to accept the fact that it was me who took them to Hell itself and then watched them being slaughtered right in front of my eyes, not being able to stop it. Giles keeps repeating that I shouldn't hold myself responsible, but I think we all blame ourselves for this, one way or the other. Only difference being Faith and I had the first row tickets for the show and it's a bit different when you actually see a fifteen year old girl being split in half.
That may be the reason we feel more guilt then the others. In our respective ways, of course. While I spend most my days sitting in my hotel room grieving in silence, she does it a bit more subtly. If you didn't pay attention to details, it would seem like nothing's changed. She still goes to clubs, drinks probably a bottle of JD a night, dances with every guy (or girl) who approaches her. Funny enough, that's as far as she goes. Guess she's not that 'get some, get gone' girl anymore. She and Robin even stayed together for almost two weeks. For Faith, I think that's a record.
But these days her existence comes down to eating, drinking, dancing, sleeping, and then repeating the process. We don't slay anymore. We were persuaded to leave it to the other girls and take some rest for a change. I'm still not sure I like it though. But I promised Dawn I'll give a normal life a shot, at least for the next few years. We're planning to move to Europe, Italy maybe. Giles and Robin are going to England to see what they can do about Watchers Council. They're taking the girls with them. Willow and Kennedy are going to South America for a while. Not sure where exactly. Xander wants to travel around the world, always the modest one. But considering we got access to Council's accounts, we can pretty much afford anything we want.
The only thing I don't know is what Faith plans to do. She's not very talkative these days. That's how I noticed something was wrong in the first place. She's still hanging out with the Scoobs and sometimes she talks to Robin or Giles, but she avoids being anywhere near the girls whenever she can. The only ones she talks to are Kennedy, Rhona and Vi, but even that is because they hang out more with us then other SIT's do. You could say she changed her whole attitude. I can't remember when was the last time I saw her cocky trademark grin. God, to think I'm actually missing it. There was a time when I wanted nothing more then to whip it off of her face, even if I had to use my fists to do it. I guess times change.
I find myself actually missing the old Faith. I can't believe I just admitted this. But after all the alcohol I already had tonight, my censorship isn't working very well. Well what the hell. I do miss her. I long for that flirtatious, careless girl who was always the centre of everyone's attention; who did things first and thought about consequences later; who wasn't afraid to stand up to me and tell me I'm wrong. I want her back.
Nowadays Faith hanging out with the gang stands for Faith sitting somewhere in the corner saying ten words altogether. 'Course every time she does say something, it usually causes everyone to burst out laughing. Everyone except her. She might smile, or on special occasions chuckle, but she never laughs.
But for me, the biggest change is in her eyes. God, I was always infatuated with her eyes. Even with that tough girl act she was putting when she first came to Sunnydale, you could always see tones of emotions in her eyes. They were so deep and soulful but with that constant glint of mischief that draws you in. At that time I could easily picture myself spending an eternity just looking in those black pools. Then came the whole Mayor business and soon mischief was replaced with a much larger dose of insanity. But even then, if you took the time to look in her eyes, you could still see those same emotions hiding just under the surface, begging for anyone to notice them. When I think about it now, I suppose I always knew Faith was all about what's beneath the obvious. But after betraying me and hurting the people I love, it was just easier to ignore it all, not think to much about it, convince myself that she was just another enemy, nothing more. Lucky for her, Angel didn't give up that easily.
Crazy or confused, full of energy or totally spent, her eyes were always dark oceans you drown in every time you look at her. But now, they are just two endless black holes full of remorse and weariness. They are the eyes of a person who had seen too much death and destruction for a lifetime. They're the eyes I see every time I look in the mirror.
That's why I know what she feels. The same thing I feel. Regret. We regret decisions we made, things we did, words we said and chances we missed. I remember someone once told me that every choice has its moment, and once that moment pass you have to live with the choice you made 'cause you'll never have the chance to correct it. I don't think that's true. People make mistakes every day, but instead of crying over it, they pull-up their sleeves and bust their butts trying to fix it. Sometimes they succeed, more often they don't, but isn't that the whole point. Harder we struggle, sweeter the reward. If we want something badly enough we have to fight for it with everything we've got.
And in a way, that's what Faith and I have been doing since the moment we met. We fought vampires, demons, friends, lovers, each other. We fought for love, respect, control, freedom. More than anything, we fought to feel alive. We gave each other a purpose in life, when we were enemies just as when we were allies. Maybe that's why in the end we are still standing side by side in war, but are separated by years of mistrust in peace.
You know, I never thought I would have these deep thoughts about life and death, love and hate, and how thin the lines in between are. That's what I had Giles for. I was just there to slay vampires and worry about the chem test I haven't studied for. I guess we all have to grow up sometimes. Some faster then others.
But I think it's time I forget about the past and concentrate on the present for a change. At least for this one night. That's why I do something I haven't done for some time. I get up and ask Faith to dance with me. No words, just an outstretched hand. I can see she's surprised and confused but she takes my hand anyway. We go out on the dance floor which is not so filled with enthusiastic girls anymore, thanks to slower music that started a while ago. The song ends and a slow rock ballad begins. There is a moment of awkwardness, before she puts her hands on my hips and pulls me to her. I'm a bit taken aback, but then I see something I wanted to see again so badly. The same mischief that was once in her eyes was there again, if only for a second. But if I have learned something in all these years, it's to never give up if there is even the smallest chance of triumph. So I put my hands around her neck and we start moving in the slow rhythm.
For the first time maybe in my whole life, I let myself completely loose. I don't care what anyone thinks, I don't care about consequences, I don't care about anything. Tonight, I just want to relax, forget everything and enjoy myself. And when our lips touch for the very first time, I realize that I'm holding the only person on this world that can give me all I want and so desperately need. I don't know if tonight is the beginning of a completely different life for me, or just a night of complete freedom. Either way, I'm gonna enjoy every second of it.
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