AN: This is a Sirius/Remus centric update. Just a little explanation of whats new and going on in the "real world" while Harry is away. There will be another update soon. This story is still alive. )

"I'm going to go make a floo call." Dumbledore smiled before turning around, obviously ignoring Madam Pomfery and her outburst.

At Harry's Home-

Sirius Black sat before the television, his eyes wide as the sounds of gunfire echoed out of the muggle viewing device. "Wow." He grinned excitedly as the hero of the film spoke a witty comment before blasting the bad guy.

With a subdued poof like noise, the fireplace that was close to him burst into green flames temporarily, causing Sirius to glance from the screen for a moment to view who may be trying to contact them.

"Hello Sirius." Dumbledore smiled from within the fireplace. "Is Remus home as well?"

"Just me." Sirius replied, having returned his gaze to the television. "What do you need?"

"Harry is in a bit of a spot." Dumbledore replied, as he twirled a finger in his beard. "May I come in?"

"Yea, O' course." Sirius spoke quickly as the topic of Harry came up. "What is wrong?"

"It would seem that Harry Potter and his compatriot Neville Longbottom have both been in some sort of scuffle. I read minds you know." Dumbledore smiled as Sirius placed his hands over his temples, attempting to block out his thoughts.

Sirius stared blankly at Professor Dumbledore, unable to speak as he fought to keep his mind clear.

"I am not going to read your mind. I just need to know what you two guardian's want done for Harry." Dumbledore chuckled. "Really, I could care less that you masturbated this morning and then shook hands with Remus."

"I DID NOT!" Sirius yelped before he started to laugh. "Harry is rubbing off on you isn't he?"

"I would say so." Dumbledore grinned before sobering up. "Now, if Harry's injuries are as bad as I believe they may be, what do you wish be done?"

"What do you mean? What happened?" Sirius inquired.

"He seems to have been held under the effects of the Crucio curse for over half a minute." Dumbledore replied sadly.

"WHAT?" Sirius yelped. "Is he stupid now?" It was obvious he was fearful of the effects that the spell could have had upon him.

"His mental faculty seems impeccable, but his physical body is severely damaged. Again." Dumbledore sighed. "I can't do any thing right can I?"

"It's not your fault, I'm sure." Sirius tried to comfort Dumbledore, surprised by the man's show of weakness.

"I couldn't help him when he was a baby. I gave him to the Devil when he was a child, and now, he has been in more danger under my care, then he has been on the street." Dumbledore poured.

"That's Harry." Sirius nodded. "He attracts trouble man."

"Well, his child will be a great milestone in his life."

"His what?" Sirius inquired, not sure if he had heard the Headmaster correctly.

"Oh my." Dumbledore exclaimed as he placed a hand over his mouth. "You didn't know?"

"Harry is going to have a kid?" Sirius whispered as he began to look faint.

"With Ms. Hermione Granger." Dumbledore nodded. "I trust you will not reveal this information, until Harry has seen fit to inform you himself?"

"Of course." Sirius nodded numbly as he bit his lip. "I… I can't believe this. How could you let it happen?"

"Well, truth be told, I didn't actually place Mr. Potter's penis inside Ms. Granger, as difficult as that may be to believe." Dumbledore scowled slightly. "They made their decision, not me."

"Of course." Sirius nodded as he wiped at his eyes, tears welling within. "I don't know why, but I'm terrified for him."

"Is there a particular reason why?" Dumbledore inquired.

"Of course. He is a pimp, not a daddy. He has never even had a real father figure. How the hell is he going to do this?" Sirius exclaimed quickly, his hands gesticulating wildly. "Fuck man, I wouldn't even want to be a dad!"

"I understand all of this. As does Harry, I am sure." Dumbledore nodded. "Now I must return to school. Have Remus contact me when he returns, I am in need of his counsel."

"Of course."

"Remember, not a word of this until Harry confides in you." Dumbledore spoke forcefully.

"Right." Sirius sniffled slightly, attempting to stay strong until Dumbledore left.

Remus returned home to find Sirius lying on the couch, obviously distraught.

"Is every thing ok?" Remus spoke softly as he realized that his friend had been crying.

"Of course not." Sirius replied. "Harry got crucio'ed."

"WHAT?" Remus exploded. "What happened? Is he ok? Who did it? Where's my gun?"

"Chill." Sirius spoke softly. "Dumbledore said every thing would be ok. He needs to speak to you though."

Remus wasted no time as he turned to the fireplace; he quickly snatched up a handful of floo powder and slammed it into the hearth. "Dumbledore's office!" He shouted as he dropped to his knees and placed his head within the green blaze.

Sirius spoke to the women folk, as Remus had his heated conversation with Dumbledore. Sirius was able to calm the girls, and explain to them the effects of the crucio, just soon enough.

"Harry is staying at Hogwarts." Remus spoke as he finally removed his head from the fire. "He will be ok. It would seem he was rescued by Death-Eaters."

"Do what?" Sirius gasped as he went slack jawed.

"Yep." Remus confirmed with a nod. "Dumbledore has no idea what is going on, and he is terrified."

"Voldemort is back?" Sirius questioned slowly, fear in his voice.

"Yes. Rumors had said he was back for almost two years now." Remus sighed. "No one believed it, until Harry was rescued by a pack of Death-Eaters."

"That doesn't prove Voldemort is back." Sirius calmed slightly.

"Dumbledore said that he is. There is other evidence, that I can not be privy to." Remus sighed. "Every one is surprised that the Death-Eaters didn't just kill Harry. No one knows what is going on."

"What do we do then?"

"We roll out and start preparing for the coming war. We need allies." Remus replied with conviction. "We need to even the numbers."

"I think a hundred to one, in our favor sounds fair." Sirius grinned as he perked up.

"I think that sounds good too." Remus nodded as he removed his cell phone from his pocket. "I think it is time to proposition The Doggfather."

"Snoop?" Sirius inquired, having only recently begun to understand the power that is Snoop Dogg.

"The one and only."

"Hello?" A female voice answered as Remus flipped the phone into speaker mode.

"Greetings." Remus and Sirius spoke in unison, before Remus took over as the spokesman. "This is Remus Lupin, from Britain."

"Oh! The cute limey guy!" The girl giggled lightly. "What can we do for you?"

"It would seem that I, and my friends are in need of The Doggfather's guidance." Remus explained. "Lord Voldemort has returned from the dead, and is amassing an army."

"The guy who insulted Snoop. Right?" The woman inquired as the sound of a pen scratching could be heard in the background.

"The very same." Remus replied.

"Snoop had spoken of his return. He is prepared to commit troops to your cause." The woman spoke cheerily. "We were waiting to see when you would request our help. It would be rude to step on your toes."

"We appreciate Snoop's benevolence." Remus spoke happily as he flashed a thumbs up at Sirius.

"We appreciate your team's continued excellence in the pimping arts. You are G's, that the rest should aspire to be." The woman spoke happily. "Is there any thing else?"

"Nothing else I can think of." Remus confirmed. "Thank you, all of you. Thank you to Snoop as well."

"I will inform him of your gratitude and request." The woman acknowledged before flipping her phone off.

"That wasn't so hard." Sirius chuckled as Remus leaned back in his seat.

"Perhaps. That doesn't change the fact that Harry and his friend are in the Hospital wing with nearly thirty guys who tried to kill them. Unless Harry or Neville snitches on them, they will be allowed to go free." Remus sighed as he placed a hand over his face. "I know Harry wont say any thing, and if he picks his friends, like he does his girls. His friend won't either."

"So what do we do? Can I kill them?" Sirius smiled wide. "I bet I could do it right this time, and get away with it. Unlike last time, with Pettigrew."

"I'm sure you could. Harry wouldn't appreciate it though. I'm sure he would…" What ever it was Remus was going to say, was interrupted as a very large eagle appeared at the window and began tapping furiously.

"What is this?" Sirius questioned as he opened the window, only to have a very large letter dropped at his feet, before the bird disappeared again.

"What does it say? Who is it for?" Remus questioned.

"Say's its from Gringotts, for me."

"Well open it!"

Sirius shrugged before tugging the letter open. After a few minutes of reading he finally looked up at Remus and smiled. "I'm richer'er."

"What?"

"Yea. They had to pay me stress funds. Since I was wrongfully imprisoned. I get's free moneys."

"That's great. How much?"

"No idea. Say's I have to go to the bank to collect. Want to go with me?"

"Sure. But what about the girls?" Remus thought aloud.

"They come too. Every one goes. Wonder what they will say when they see Goblins."

"Yea. That's what I'm worried about." Remus laughed before standing. "Let's round them up, and head on out."

"All right." Sirius grinned wildly.

It was almost an hour later before every one had piled into the cars. Remus had suggested driving two separate vehicles, since they had to park outside the leaky cauldron. Remus had driven his Escalade, while Sirius was using Harry's drop top Impala.

The stares that the entourage received as they entered the Leaky Cauldron was unbelievable, which in turn caused Sirius to laugh. "What up bitches?" He spoke after turning his face stern, a slight jerk of his chin accompanying his words.

"Is that you Sirius?" The man behind the bar questioned as he stared at the bright orange suit that was worn by Sirius. "And you Remus?"

Remus only nodded in reply.

"Blimey!" Tom the barman breathed. "You sure have changed. Then Harry Potter returns, and the rumors of gangs and prostitutes…" Tom's eyes bugged out of his head as he finally noticed the large group of women chattering quickly behind Remus.

"Let me introduce you to the girls." Sirius grinned as he motioned for Remus to step aside. "This is Macey, Crystal, Tanya…" Sirius recited the names of each girl as he pointed at each one.

"Bloody hell… The Potter boy is a pimp…" Tom breathed slowly as his eyes welled with tears. "When I met him the first time, he was so silent… I just thought he had bad fashion taste."

Sirius smirked before shrugging. "Well, we have business to attend to."

"I'm sure you do." Tom nodded, his eyes still wide before stepping aside to allow the group to pass. "Well good luck with that."

"Thanks." Sirius chuckled, before motioning for Remus and the rest of the entourage to follow him. "On wards!"

"So this is Harry's new world?" Macey questioned as she looked around. "That Dumbledore guy only allowed us to go inside that Pub back there. We weren't allowed in here." She spat angrily as she used Dumbledore's name, obviously unimpressed with the mans ability to watch out for Harry.

"Well, we will go to the bank first. Then every one gets ice cream." Sirius spoke happily as he pimp walked towards the large imposing watchtower that is Gringotts Wizarding bank.

"Ice cream?" The girls giggled as they stared at all the shops, keenly interested in soaking in the new sites.

"You ain't never had wizard ice cream." Sirius spoke as he strutted onwards. "It's divine."

"When did you learn that word?" Remus smirked.

"I have always known the word ice cream. Ass hole." Sirius scowled as every one laughed around him.

Remus giggled as Cynthia gave him a chastising look. "I'm.. never mind Sirius." He chuckled.

Finally the group made it to Gringotts, and the girls practically burst with questions as Macey and Crystal ran up to one of the goblins and reached out to touch it.

"NO!" Remus yelped as he rushed forward and grabbed the girls away from the scowling Goblin. "Don't touch him."

"Don't touch the statue?" They asked.

"I am not a statue." The Goblin growled as he shuffled his feet, an indignant look on his face. "I am a Goblin."

"He's cute." Crystal smirked as the Goblin scowled deeper.

"The Goblin penis is 12 inches long and tipped with razor sharp barbs." The creature spoke as it shifted its eyes between the two girls.

"Hey Macey?" Crystal smiled as she bit her lip. "Sounds right up your alley! That sounds like Harry's penis!" She laughed as the rest of the girls all began to laugh raucously.

"Fuck you tramp!" Macey scowled as she crossed her arms. "At least I fall for good guys."

"May be." Crystal replied with a shrug as the rest of the girls became thoughtful. "I want Harry now too."

"Oh no you didn't!" Macey shouted as she stepped forward, prepared to scratch Crystal's face.

"Break it up bitches." Sirius yelped as he grabbed both girls by the arms. "I want both of you to behave while we are here. Goblin's don't take shit from no one."

The guard began to nod his head as he agreed with Sirius's speech.

"All right." The girls all spoke in unison as Sirius motioned for every one to go inside.

The grandeur of Gringotts' was phenomenal, for the muggle hoe's that stood within the archway. The gleam and glitter of treasure amazed them as Goblin's hefted diamonds and ruby's about.

"Can I help you?" A very old Goblin inquired, his mouth glittering in the candlelight as he smiled at the humans before him.

"Yea, where did you get your grill?" Macey blurted as she stared at the Goblins teeth. "That must be at least twenty diamonds in your mouth."

"You are correct." The Goblin mused. "My name is Pumpernickle, and my… grill… is what we Goblins would call 'Iced out'."

"AHAH!" Macey shouted triumphantly as every one stared at her incredulously. "I knew it! So all those rappers are copying Goblins!"

"Flattering." Pumpernickle smirked as he ran his tongue across his teeth.

"Where would a human get that done?" Sirius inquired as Remus stared slack jawed at him.

"I am a certified Ice-ologist." Pumpernickle spoke dismissively. "I can perform the work. It is very expensive though. Goblin Ice costs millions."

"Well my name is Sirius Black, and I just inherited enough money from the ministry to cover it." He laughed as he handed Pumpernickle the letter and a small key. "So when can I get it done?"

Pumpernickle simply lifted the letter to his face as he read for a moment. "Yes well, what would you like done? It seems here you have enough money from restitution to fund a small army."

"I want some Ice, and I want ten percent donated to an orphanage." Sirius spoke calmly as Remus's face twisted from shock to a small grin.

"Would you like Ice for those children too?" Pumpernickle smiled, his joke causing every one to giggle.

"No. Just make sure every one has gifts, clothes, and food for Christmas at what ever the poorest orphanage in Britain is." Sirius smiled softly.

"Done." Pumpernickle nodded. "The ten percent will fund an orphanage for many years."

"Good." Macey and the rest of the girls murmured as many of them gave hugs to Sirius.

"Now what?" Remus inquired as he sat on a bench, watching with interest as Pumpernickle and several other Goblins led Sirius into a room.

"What to explore?" Cynthia inquired as she craned her neck to look around the bank.

"Not really. I have been here millions of times." Remus sighed. "It's nice to know I have money in my vault this time though."

"You never had money before?" Macey inquired bluntly.

"Werewolves are notoriously poor." Remus shrugged, obviously uncomfortable.

"Why?" Macey pressed. "Couldn't you just kick every ones ass?"

"It's not that easy. There is a lot of oppression." He continued as he bit on his lip. "Magickal creatures are not treated with respect."

"But you are human."

"Only partially. At least I am treated better then vampires." He chuckled mirthlessly.

"Wow." Macey breathed, not noticing the scathing look coming from Cynthia. "Well fuck em. We like you."

"Thanks." Remus smiled before leaning back in his seat. "We will be here a while. I heard that an Ice job by a Goblin is one of the most intensive magickal surgery that can be performed on a human."

"Wow." Macey mouthed as she and the rest of the girls found seats in the lobby.

It was almost three hours later when the door that Sirius had entered opened again. Slowly Sirius exited the room, his left hand slowly rubbing his jaw as he worked his mouth slowly.

"How is it?" Remus inquired as he smirked at his friend's discomfort.

Sirius simply replied with a grin, his mouth shinning like a lighthouse. "I got more carats in my mouth then Bugs Bunnies lunch." He spoke, all though he was obviously in pain.

Remus laughed heartily before turning to the girls. "Ice cream time girls."

"Yay!" Macey cheered sarcastically as the other girls rolled their eyes. "I think we should get new clothes."

"After the ice cream." Sirius scowled as he placed a finger in his mouth to rub a particularly soar spot. "Pumpernickle said I could have ice cream."

Remus laughed as they exited the bank, noting that several Goblins were giving the thumbs up and other positive gestures to Sirius as he left. "Looks like you have some fans now."

"Eh?" Sirius grunted as they walked down the steps from the bank.

"A lot of the goblins were actually looking pretty proud of you." Remus continued as he offered his arm to Cynthia.

"Well, it's not everyday a wizard gets an ice job." Sirius smirked, a small grimace on his face as he opened the door to the ice cream parlor.