Author's Note- Well, I figured why not one more chapter. I was driving home last night listening to my Third Eye Blind CD and "Background" came on. Many of you might know it as that song from Buffy in the first episode of the third season "Anne," during that weird dream sequence. Anyhow, I heard that song and just had to write this last part. It screamed out to be written. I only hope it lives up to "Hold On."
AngieX- Thank you, and... you may not want to read below
Kitty Pryde2- No squel, I wasn't even planning on this one, I hope I'm not making a mistake posting it, as soon as I'm done here, I'm planning on checking out your updates.
Orion Kohaishu- The biggest boost an author can get, thanks.
Callian- Yeah, ending... Ya know, I loved that ending,it was just so perfect...but after hearing "Background" for the first time in over a year and thinking about the song I just had to write this one.
Second Note-Flashbacks are in ().
Background
"Everything is quiet,
Since you're not around,
And I live in the numbness now.
In the background."
Kitty awoke and reached out to the spot next to her. Finding nothing she sat up. Tears immediately filled her eyes as she remembered why, but she blinked them away. Swinging her feet off the edge of the bed she slowly getting up. Kitty grabbed some sweat pants and an old tattered sweater before going into the bathroom she and Pete shared.
"I do the things we did before"
It was such a normal activity, showering, at yet it killed her inside, making her remember times when he was with her.
("Damn it, Kitty!" an enraged Pete thundered.
"What?" Kitty asked innocently.
"Fix it." She giggled going into the bathroom and phasing her hand in to the wall reconnecting the hot water valve.
"That's what you get."
"What did I do t' deserve that?"
"Not waiting for me, you silly git."
"I dunno, luv, but after that cold shower I don't think I'm in the mood any more."
"Let's see if I can fix that."
He grinned down at her. "You'll have to try really hard."
She smiled back up at him. "I might enjoy that.")
Now... Why did things have to change? By the time she was dressed and climbed down the stairs the others were finishing lunch. "How are you this afternoon, Katzchen?" Kurt asked gently.
"Fine," Kitty said forcing a smile for her best friend. It was getting harder and harder to pretend she wasn't dying inside.
Kurt was watching her so closely waiting for any sign that she would break, for any time she might actually show some real emotion. He sighed, so far Kitty was still all smiles, all faux cheeriness. It wasn't good for her. She needed to admit to how she was feeling, before she did break down completely. He wondered briefly if she had let herself cry at all. She had been if not calm, at least reserved even the night it had happened...
"I walk Haight Street to the store,
And they say where's that crazy girl?
You don't get drunk on red wine, and fight no more
I don't see you anymore,
Since the hospital"
("Pete!" everyone came running at the sound of her cry. Pete had collapsed at the bottom of the stairs. Kitty was kneeling at his side, trying desperately to wake him. "We were about to go up to bed... he just passed out. Moira, is he okay? He has to be okay." No tears, Kitty looked up at Moira, everyone could see her fear but Kitty didn't cry. Moira rushed to Pete checking his vitals.
"He's still breathing, lass," Moira said. "Brian, help me get him to the med-lab.")
Kitty grabbed a banana and ate it quickly before going down to the medlab. Kurt sighed turning to the others who were watching her, just as worried. "She's so unemotional," Rahne sighed. She didn't understand the attraction between Kitty and Pete, but she saw how much they cared for each other like anyone else could. Pete was just starting to soften up around the others when this had happened. She was just starting to get to know the ex-spy.
"I know," Meggan said. "I can't even feel anything, she keeps her emotions locked in so tightly I don't get any impression of them. It's like I'm trying to read a robot, sorry Douglock." Meggan herself was having a hard time holding in her own emotions. Pete had been a rock to her, when Brian's drinking spiraled out of control. He had been there to consol her and keep her grounded, until Brian got better. She loved Pete like a brother, and it was hurting her to see two people she cared about like this.
"No apologies necessary," Douglock assured her.
"I just wish I could get through to her," Kurt sighed. "She won't talk to me. It's like she's there but she's not."
"Maybe, it's time to call in reinforcements," Rahne said gently.
"The plans I make still have you in them,
Cause you come swimming into view
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you,
I only know because I carry you around,
In the background.
I'm in the background"
Downstairs
"Good mornin', Kitty," Moira said. "No change." Kitty nodded, despite the glimmer of hope she had every morning deep down this was always what she expected. Moira sighed fighting off her own tears looking at the younger girl. "Lass, A've done all A can, nothing is changing... not for the worse, not for the better. A'm sae sorry, Kitty, A know how much you two loved each other."
"Love," Kitty said. "We love each other. He's still alive. I'm not giving up."
"Kitty, we've been over this, the odds of him coming out of this coma-" But Kitty was no longer listening. She had gone to Pete's bedside and sat down in her habitual spot, next to him, in a comfortable chair Kurt had brought down for her since she spent so much time there. It had been over a month and Pete had shown no change. Moira had warned that the more time he was in the coma the less his chances were of ever waking up. Moira left, wanting to leave the couple alone.
"Words they come and memories all repeat,
Lift your head while they change the hospital sheets"
"I miss you," was all Kitty said as she took his hand. She sat with him for hours, not leaving him for dinner, or eating any herself. Moira came back down and Kitty helped her take care of Pete, all the embarrassing things he would have hated someone else having to do for him.
"Goodnight, Kitty," Moira said gently as she checked his vitals one more time.
"Goodnight," Kitty whispered back. Moira left the medlab. She missed the lone tear rolling down Kitty's cheek as she looked at her lover. By the time the others were about to go to bed Kitty had fallen asleep in her usual spot, in her chair with her head resting on Pete's hand. Brian carried her up the stairs and he and Meggan put her to bed.
"I would never lie to you, No
I would never lie to you, No"
The next morning
"Get the hell up, now!" Kitty was shaken awake rudely. She opened her eyes to see Logan standing above her.
"Logan?" she asked blearily.
"Come with me." He grabbed her arm and pulled her up.
"What are you doing here?"
"You needed me."
"I'm fine."
"Bullshit. Look at yourself Kitty. You lost at least twenty pounds, and that wasn't weight you could afford to lose. Now, come with me." He drug her down the stairs and into the medlab.
"Logan, what are you doing?" Moira demanded.
"What none of the rest of you can, being harsh," Logan said. Moira backed off. "Look at him, half-pint, this ain't the man you fell in love with."
"Stop," Kitty said.
"Not until you listen to me."
"I felt you long after we were through
When we were through
The plans I make still have you in them,
Cause you come swimming into view,
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around,
In the background."
"Now, I want you to look at him. I know this is hurting you, but you can't let this kill you too. Do you honestly think he'd want you to waste your life like this?"
"I'm not wasting it."
"No?"
"No. I love him, Logan, I just want to be with him. How is that wasting anything? I just want to be with the man I love."
"Damn it, he's not there! He's gone. He's been gone."
"Shut up."
"No! Everyone else is too damn tactful for your good. It's about damn time you wake up. Kitty, Pete is dead, the only reason he's still alive is a bunch of machines-"
"Stop it!"
"If one wire was cut his heart would stop beating. The other one is keeping his heart going. Nothing here is Pete." The punch caught him off guard but he accepted it gracefully not even stumbling back, but his head did rock backwards. Kitty was a small girl but she packed one helluva punch. And there was a whole lot of anger in this one.
"Shut up! Just stop it! Why are you doing this?" Tears were shining in her eyes.
"Because somebody has to," Logan whispered. "I'm sorry, pum'kin. I know how much you love him-"
"Everyone says that, but they don't," her voice was quiet now, introspective, "not really. He was The One. I knew it in the beginning, that's why I ran from him. He was supposed to be there for me forever. We were supposed to have forever!" She collapsed not able to hold herself up. "He left me. He left me alone." Logan knelt down with her wrapping his arms around her.
"Kitty, you know that's not true, we're all here for you," Kurt said coming in kneeling on her other side.
"You aren't him," Kitty whispered. "I want Pete. I want to feel him hold me, to smell his stupid cheap cologne, to argue with him one more time about his stupid cigarettes. I want him back. I just... it hurts so much. Why did he leave me?" She sniffled trying to stop her tears.
"It's okay," Logan whispered rocking her back and forth as she cried. "Go ahead and cry, pum'kin."
"I want him back, Logan... I need him... I need him." It was like a dam had broken all her pent up emotions were there: her anger, grief and guilt. Logan stayed with her there as she sat on the floor of the medlab crying. Her chest hurt, her entire body was aching, and she couldn't stop shaking once her tears finally tapered off.
"Cause I felt you long after we were through."
"Part of me hates him," she whispered so soft only Logan heard her. She looked up at the so-called feral mutant, her eyes were bloodshot and her face had the pinched look of someone who had been crying but she looked better than she had in days.
"Why's that, darlin'?"
"He made me feel so deeply for him. I've never loved like that, then he left me, he left me all alone. I hate him for that. Why did I have to even meet him if this is what would happen?"
"Let me pose the most clichéd question ever, Katzchen," Kurt said, "if you knew how things would turn out, would you rather have not met him? Would you trade these memories, and your love for the relief of never knowing him at all?"
"Of course not," Kitty said with a soft sigh. "I just... I just want everything to be better."
"It will be darlin'," Logan said helping her to her feet, "someday."
"When you come swimming into view
And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do,
The words they use so lightly, I only feel for you,"
The funeral was on a surprisingly beautiful day in London. Romany demanded that Kitty sit in the front row with her. Herald Wisdom stood in the very back of the church cursing the fact that he and his son had let their rift get so big that he wasn't there to say goodbye. Most of Excalibur was amazed at the sheer number of people who came, and the number of people who spoke. The priest, also a friend of Pete's, let everyone who wanted to say something do so. Kitty stood up to speak last.
"Pete Wisdom was a man of layers," Kitty said simply. "He was rude, crass, tactless, and just a big jerk, at least on the outside. He deliberately pushed people away because he knew that losing them hurt and in his life he lost too many. I guess I got lucky, he never tried too hard with me.
"We met in a bar. I'm sure this doesn't surprise too many of you," she continued with a smile. "I was getting over a heartache and he was a solid shoulder to cry on. He never met me before, but he listened without judging at all. I think that's the night I fell in love with him.
"See, anyone of you who knows Pete knows something special about him. No part of that man was hard except the parts he wanted people to see. He was caring, sweet, and one hell of a kisser," there were a couple scattered laughs through everyone's tears. "He was so strong, up until the end. I loved him, so much... so much..."
"I only know because I'm way, I'm way,
In the background"
One year later
Kitty walked to the gravesite alone. Kurt said he'd wait for her at the gates. She knelt down on the grass next to the grave marker. The site wasn't special in anyway but there were still so many flowers laying at his grave.
Here lies Peter Paul Winston Wisdom
1976-2003
"Hey, I... I'm sorry it took me so long to get here," she whispered stroking her fingers lovingly over his name on the gravestone. "It just hurt too much to even think about you. So... it's been a whole year, things haven't really changed too much. I... I still miss you."
She sniffled. "I hope you're happy wherever you are now. If anyone deserves peace and happiness it's you. I miss you, all the time. I never knew it'd be this hard. I still reach for you when I wake up. I had a dream about you the other night, about the night we met, do you remember?"
("You're supposed to give the birthday girl a kiss," she pouted.
He raised an eyebrow. "Am I?"
She nodded. "Yep."
"Never was one for tradition," Pete said before grinning mischievously. "But this time..." He leaned in and kissed her slowly.)
"I guess I should say goodbye," she continued, "but to be honest that's the last thing I want to do. Saying goodbye is so final. I guess part of me still doesn't believe that you're gone." She wiped at her eyes harshly. "It seems like all I do is cry now." She sniffled laying the single red rose on the center of his grave. "I'm never going to forget you, Pete. I love you." She stood and slowly walked out of the cemetery.
("I love you," Kitty whispered as she began to fall asleep.
"Love you too," Pete told her kissing the tip of her )
"I'm in the background"