Chapter 3

Ndugu arrived in Balmora, "Damn, you didn't tell me it was going to be a bumpy ride!" he said, the agony clear in his voice as well in the throbbing hemorrhoid that had long since grown so large that it had erupted out of his pants. He waddled over to the nearest guard. "Where's Nalcarya of White Haven?"

"It's over on the east side of Balmora. Go up the stairs that lead to the Hlaalu Council House and make a left. Go through the alley and her shop is straight ahead, you can't miss it," the guard replied.

"Oh thank God, a nice guard!" Ndugu said.

"Do not say the Lord's name in vain!" the guard roared suddenly as he whipped out his sword. Ndugu screamed and ran towards the Alchemist, ignoring the intense pain that shot through his rectum. "There is no escape!" another guard said as he joined in the pursuit. Finally Ndugu ducked into a house. He closed and locked the door behind him, then turned around only to find a corpse in the middle of the floor.

"Eep!" Ndugu squealed in fear. He was adamant about continuing until he felt the guards pressing against the door behind him. He reluctantly tiptoed around the body. "I AM a ballerina after all..." he muttered to himself. Suddenly he noticed that the corpse was holding a Silver Long Sword in it's hand. "Could be worth something..." he thought as he picked up the weapon.

Suddenly the guards erupted into the room. Ndugu froze as he watched the guards turn their heads to look at the body, then the sword, then Ndugu. They repeated this several times until finally one of them cried out: "He's killed Ralen Hlaalo!"

"No!" Ndugu yelled as he continued upstairs, his hemorrhoid hitting every step. He turned the corner and bolted out of the door. He contemplated jumping from the ledge but remembered what happened in Seyda Neen. Before he could do anything else however, the guards exploded through the door and caused Ndugu to fall off the two-story balcony. He screamed before hitting the pavement. Luckily the hemorrhoid broke his fall, exploding in the process. Blood and general ass juice splashed up on the unsuspecting guards and hapless citizens that happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"OMG THAT'S DISCUSTING!" everyone screamed. This distraction gave Ndugu enough time to make a break for the alchemist's shop. He ran in and slammed the door behind him. He calmly walked up to Nalcarya.

"How may I help you?" she asked.

"I had a hemorrhoid, but it's gone now. From what I've heard they last for a lifetime and I was wondering if you could conjure up a cure," he explained.

"I'd like to help you, I really would, but unfortunately hemorrhoids are a lesser known form of corprus, and is thus incurable, which explains why they last a lifetime," she said.

"No...it's over..." he said in shock and defeat. He sank to the ground and slumped against the wall. Suddenly (again) the guards and pissed off town folks burst through the door, demanding Ndugu's life.

"You'll not have him!" Nalcarya declared, "He has the divine disease and must be harbored to safety!"

"He must die!" one declared.

"How'd you find me?!" Ndugu yelled in surprise and alarm.

"Simple," one of the guards said, "we followed the trail of ass blood," Ndugu looked at his torn rectum, oozing the few precious pints he had left.

"That and you only ran about 30ft to get here," another person said.

"NOW DIE!" the mob said in unison.

"Run, I'll hold them off!" Nalcarya said to Ndugu.

"But where?!"

"Tel Fyr. There's a Telvanni wizard there who might be able to help you, now get going!" she said.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"Because I have them too," she said. For the first time Ndugu noticed Nalcarya's hideously deformed ass. Ndugu nodded in an unspoken everlasting friendship kind of way before he ran upstairs and out the door.

"Oh yeah? Just because you have corprus doesn't mean you have the strength to fight us all!" one guard said.

"That's why...I have my army of starved Scrib!" she said as a revolving door rotated half way, revealing the hungry insect larvae. They quickly devoured the denizens of the shop as Nalcarya laughed maniacally at the ill fated bastards. Suddenly the Scrib turned on their master and tore her to shreds. She never stopped laughing up until one of the ravening creatures tore out her voice box.

Back with Ndugu, he roamed around town until happening across the Hlaalu Council House. Inside he asked how to get to Tel Fyr, and was immediately jumped for mentioning the Telvanni wizard lair. This is how he found out about the rivalries between the Great Houses. Upon being thrown out he landed at the feet of a fellow Redguard named Stargel.

"Do YOU know how to get to Tel Fyr?" Ndugu asked.

"Hmm...nope," Stargel replied. Ndugu fell over at this news, anime style. "But I think I know someone who might. Go to the South Wall Corner Club and ask Blacola about Cauis Cosades," Ndugu jumped up at this and thanked him.

"Now, where's South Wall?" he asked.

"Go across the river on the right hand side and it's between a three story and another house if you're looking at it facing south," said Stargel.

"Thank you!" Ndugu said running off. Stargel looked after Ndugu as he ran off.

"Tourists..." he said. He continued onward but suddenly he was confronted by an onslaught of hungry Scrib. He screamed and they ate him after little resistance.

Ndugu walked inside the Corner Club and located Blacola, who directed him to Cauis. "Go outside and take a right, then a left. Head down the street all the way and Cauis' house is at the end," he said. Ndugu thanked him and followed his directions to Cauis' house, where Cauis was as high as a kite on Skooma.

"So you're lookin' for Tel Fyr?" Cauis asked, "I think I might know someone who can help you. Ex-Telvanni, goes by the name of 'Fast Eddie'. He can tell you where Tel Fyr is,"

"Yes, now we're getting somewhere," Ndugu said. "And where's that?"

"Man I'm too high right now to think about shit like dat, you're killin' my buzz. Get the #$% out,"

So Ndugu did, and he eventually found Fast Eddie's house. "You're lookin' for Tel Fyr? Go to Sadrith Mora via Guild Guide of the Balmora Guild of Mages. I can't believe people in this down are so damn stupid that they didn't know that, then again they could have just been giving you a runaround," Eddie said.

"What?! Sending ME on a wild goose chase?! Oh hell naw!" Ndugu yelled enraged. He left Eddie's house, only to find Balmora in ruins. Everywhere, there were crumpled, burning buildings, half eaten bodies, and the corpses of Scribs. Ndugu spotted a bunch of wizards holding off the Scrib Menace with a magical barrier. Inside the safe haven were the remaining citizens of Balmora, huddled together, listening intently to a Breton woman in a red robe.

"Alright, we're gonna do this Ragnarok style! I'm going to open a portal to Vivec and everyone run through at once!" she said over the roar of the barrier and the debris flying through the air. She opened the portal and everybody rushed through. Ndugu walked up to her. Aside from himself, her, and those that were to defend the people remained. "What the hell's your problem?! Go through!" she yelled.

"Well, the thing is that I don't need to go to Vivec," he said.

"Does it look like I give a shit?!" she asked, "Get your ass through and ask the Guild Guide there, otherwise I'm leaving your ass behind!"

"Alright already, sheesh!" he said. He walked through and found himself in Vivec, waiting until the last ones came through.