Title: Tie!
Rating: PG for suggestive... er, stuff.
Notes: House/Wilson, snark. Mentions of kinky behavior, oo la la! Inspired by houseslash's Labcoats, Suits and Ties challenge.

"What on earth is this?"

House didn't even look away from the television, just waved a hand towards the door and what sounded like Wilson standing there, sounding incredulous. "What's what?"

"Only you would leave something like this on my desk."

"Something like what?" Monotone, attention still riveted to the screen.

"You're watching your soaps, aren't you."

"Mmhm. Bother me some other time."

"It's a rerun."

"So what. You have issues."

"I have issues? What I have, Greg," and the screen was suddenly blocked by something Wilson was waving in front of his face, "what I have is a tie."

House finally looked up to glare at the other man. "You interrupt my soaps to tell me you have a tie? Do you have a death wish?"

"But see, this tie just appeared on my desk, and I have reason to believe you gave it to me."

"Why would I give you a tie that would inevitably lead to you pestering me in the middle of my soaps? That's illogical."

"It's a rerun. And you're the only person in this whole hospital, in the whole world, even, who has the sense of humor to give me a tie like this." Wilson brandished the offensive object for emphasis. Looking at it, House automatically winced. "It's neon, for christssakes. Clashing neon colors."

"I can see that. Very clearly. Stop waving it around, you're going to give us both seizures."

"Why?"

"... James, sometimes flashing lights make people's brains -"

"You know what I mean." He's exhasperated, and House laughs a little inside. "What's with the tie?"

"It's your birthday."

"No, it's not."

"It's your half-birthday."

"It's actually my unbirthday."

"Does that make me the Mad Hatter?"

"Of course."

"Then you're Alice."

"Ha. Seriously, man, this is the ugliest tie I've ever seen. Where did you even get it?"

"The Salvation Army. You'll have to wash it before you wear it; it probably came right off of some dead homeless person."

"What even makes you think I'll wear it?"

"Masochistic tendencies."

"I'd be inflicting it on everyone else."

"Who said that? They won't get to see it."

"Then - what? That's... oh."

"Your thoughts are projecting so loudly, I'm surprised you haven't clued in everyone on this floor."

"You're the evil genius with the master plan, here."

"Only a suggestion," House shrugged. "And, since I'm in such a evil, plotting mood, here's another one: My place, tonight, the tie. Let's see what you make of that."

"... Kinky. Also, hot."

"Exactly. What was that you said about genius, earlier?"

"It was said in a fit of tie-induced seizure. I claim no responsibility. Whipping cream."

"Excellent."