Je savais le silence depuis longtemps

J'en sais la violence, son goût de sang

Rouge colères, sombres douleurs

Je sais ces guerres, j'en ai pas peur

Je sais me défendre, j'ai bien appris

On est pas des tendres par ici

Je sais les hivers, je sais le froid

Mais la vie sans toi, je sais pas

(Céline Dion)

I knew silence for a long time

I know it's violence, it's taste of blood

Loud rage, silent pain

I know these wars, I am not afraid of them

I know how to defend myself, I learned it well

People aren't very sensible here

I know the winter, I know the bitter cold

But life without you, I don't know.

Author's note:

It's my free translation from I don't know , because the French version is a little bit different and a little bit sadder (that's my opinion). To all those French people outside: I did my best with translation, I only had some years at school.

For all those people who read my first fanfics, don't be shocked, it's complete another story. It has nothing to do with the events that happened in the past during my last short stories. And it has another style. It isn't so funny because there're no Star Lights and hardly a Sailor Team who would make it funny.

Disclaimer: Haruka and Michiru are owned by Naoko Takeuchi (and the rest of the Sailor Team including Sailor Moon as well).

Don't blame me for wrong details but I never lived with a handicapped person. Maybe it isn't so easy to find back into normal life again. Maybe it isn't so easy to face one's destiny. Maybe it takes much more time until you can laugh about yourself again. And maybe there's too often no hope of cure.

Normally I don't excuse myself for my writing but if I am hurting just one person out there on this wonderful world: I am really sorry. Gomen. I didn't mean it.

Feel free to write to aprileaglefreenet.de. I'll answer every of your letter.

Plus de compassion

(More than sympathy)

(by April Eagle)

Prologue: Life without you...

At dawn it stopped to rain. Soon the raising sun broke through the dark clouds covering the sky over the last couple of days. In the bright light the last raindrops started to sparkle and it looked as if nature decorated itself with shinning pearls. Cool wind played with the trees' coloured leaves. Some danced excitedly in the morning dust and the rushing sound was calming. Surely it was going to be one of those days why this months was sometimes called Golden September.

Silently she stood at the open window. The wind played with the wide dark shirt she was wearing over her blue jeans. She closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing. Sunglasses hide her eyes, a dark cap her short blond hair.

This is going to be my last race.

She raised her hands and reached out for the chestnut tree that was standing in front of her window. She knew she couldn't touch the leaves after they cut the big branch that had been her lifeline once. With the help of this tree she often escaped him. So many times she sat in the crown and looked at heaven above, feeling the wind rushing through the leaves around her. There she almost had felt free and had wished to be able to leave forever. Yes, she had wanted to become the wind to be fast enough to escape forever.

Today I'll be able to.

Her face was empty as she stood there for a while, the arm wide stretched to touch the tree that had been her only friend in so many years. Her gesture looked like a goodbye wave.

"Haruka? Breakfast!"

She winced as she heard the loud voice downstairs. Actually she wasn't very hungry but she knew she had to eat something because the racing could be exhausting - and she knew that he would force her to eat if she didn't. Slowly she turned around but the pain was faster. It flashed through her body and she winced again. Quietly she groaned and took a deep breath. She knew this pain. She was used to it.

Carefully she went downstairs and entered a light and comfortable kitchen. Her cornflakes stood on the table. She could see her father drinking is coffee behind the newspapers. Haruka sighed silently as she sat down and forced herself to eat her breakfast.

At least the milk tastes fresh.

"That's what they deserved!" growled her father but Haruka didn't ask. She understood little of politics and she wasn't interested in the old men playing big bosses but being at the same time still little children fighting for their favourite toys.

"I hope you are prepared, Haruka. Because today is a very important race for your career." Said the huge man and put the newspaper down. He ran a hand through is blond hair and got up. "I expect you to break the track record this time. You can do it, I know it." He came over to her and she automatically ducked. "Don't dare to dishonour me again, Haruka!" Then he left the kitchen and the girl lowered her head and pushed her breakfast away.

"Hai." She whispered in a low voice and took the newspapers to think of anything else.

Today I won't dishonour you. Today I will break the track record. And then I will leave you and this bloody life forever!

Silently she read the big news and the weather forecast for the next days. It was going to be a lovely September. That was good, because the summer had been cold and wet.

Why do I care for the weather?

She closed the newspaper and froze in motion as she read the headline: Famous musician and his family involved in a deadly car accident.

"Goodness..." she whispered as she looked at the picture below. The silver Ferrari that used to be a dream come true was not more than a small quarter of metal. It was obviously smashed up. A red fluid covered the asphalt of the street below and Haruka was sure that it was blood. No, no one could survive such a terrible accident.

What happened?

"'The cause isn't found yet. Japan's best piano player died at the place of accident. His wife fought long but died on the way to the hospital. Their daughter is in intensive care. She is unconscious and the doctors don't see a chance that she will awake again. What a tragedy...'" read Haruka aloud and didn't even notice that her voice became very shaky. Her hands started to tremble and she felt trapped with all a sudden. She couldn't breathe anymore and nausea filled her belly and increased.

What a tragedy!

She read the article once more as if it would change. However, it didn't.

What a tragedy...

Haruka rose from her chair and it hit the floor as she spun around and ran upstairs as if bloodhounds hunted her. She ignored her father's shouting and literally flew into her bathroom. She locked the door and went into her knees beside the toilette. Then she threw up her breakfast. For a long time she knelt there and couldn't fight back a sob.

She isn't dead. Maybe she'll survive it.

Very slowly Haruka came back to her feet and reeled over to the washbasin to cool her hands and her sweaty face and to wash out her mouth.

Surely she'll survive. She's the strongest person I've ever met.

Haruka shook her head then she returned to her room. Her rucksack was already packed with her lunch, her racing suit and her English book. She had to write a test the next day and her father expected only good marks - and English wasn't her favourite lesson. Her French was even worse.

Why should I learn all these silly languages when all I should do is racing the motorbike and making his silly dreams come true? Not even my own dreams...

Determinedly she threw the book and her lunch under her bed and put an old photo album and her worn-out teddy bear in it. She looked around her room and her Walkman and a black pullover followed. Sadly she observed the rucksack.

Strange, that's all I own, all what's important to me. After fifteen long years, all I would leave behind are a teddy and some photos.

She ignored the cupboards filled with trophies. She didn't need them. Not really. They couldn't make her dream come true. Yes, on her Suzuki she was very fast. There she could feel almost free. There she wasn't only as fast as the wind. There she became the wild element itself. Actually she didn't want to win. She simply wanted to escape. To go to a place where no one would ever hurt her again.

"Haruka! We have to leave now!"

The girl nodded and left her room without looking back. She knew that she would never return again and she didn't regret it.

She thought of the newspaper's headlines and knew that she would break every record today just to let this race be over as quickly as possible.

Please live! If not for yourself or your music, then live for me. Because I need you.

Haruka was almost shocked as she felt tears burning in her eyes. She hadn't cried the last two years and she had hardly ever cried before.

"Haruka! Hurry up!"

"Hai!" The girl ran downstairs and joined her father to go over to the big red car he was driving. Silently she sat down and reached automatically for the belt. Her father switched on the radio and Haruka made a face as she heard the famous love song they played a lot at the last time.

"You'll break the track record and be a honour to me, won't you?" asked her father as they left the drive and headed toward the highway.

"Hai." Whispered Haruka and looked out of the window and watched the world flying by.

"That's my good boy."

Haruka's eyes grew wide behind her sunglasses but she didn't say a word. She just pressed her lips together and automatically crossed her arms before her chest. It was a protective gesture.

That's what they deserved! she heard again her father's voice in her head and clenched her fists under her arms.

I hate you!

However, she knew that she would never say it aloud. Maybe he knew about her feelings. Maybe he didn't. Probably he simply didn't care. As long as she raced for his dreams how he wanted it everything was alright for him. Haruka shivered slightly although it was very warm in the car. She knew too well what happened when she couldn't come up to his expectations.

Perhaps it isn't going to be my last race.

The girl leaned her head against the seat and closed her eyes.

But surely it's the last time that he will ever see me again!

dbdbdb

"Excited?"

Haruka didn't even look up as the old mechanic entered the box. She already wore her racing suit and tried to repair her motorbike as fast as possible. Dirt and oil covered her arms as she worked with the spanner.

"What are you doing? I've controlled it yesterday and it was okay. Did I oversee anything?" Now the old man's voice was very concerned. He came nearer and looked over her shoulder.

"The brake's cable is cut?" he whispered and observed frowning the kneeling girl in front of him. "But that wasn't yesterday when I checked it. I swear."

"Don't tell father." Was all Haruka replied as she finished her work and cleaned her hands on an old towel. A shocked expression appeared on the old man's face.

"You're still wearing your sunglasses? How can you see anything? It's very dark in here." He reached for her but Haruka was too quick. She jumped backward and took her helmet in her hands.

"Is that cool?" asked the old man, then he shook his head. He knew little about the so called young generation but he knew that it wasn't fashion that forced the girl to wear her cap and her sunglasses almost always.

"Without a brake you'd be able to get to the start but the first bent would be too dangerous to..." The old mechanic whispered as Haruka pulled her helmet over her head. The sunglasses and the cap went into her rucksack. Then she put it on her back. It had the same colour as her racing suit and was covered with advertising. When they would realize what she had planned, would be far too late to call her back. Carefully she took the heavy motorbike and slowly left the box. The old mechanic followed her and held her back. His dark eyes looked really concerned at her.

"Why did you change your opinion with all a sudden?" he asked with a shaky voice. Haruka sighed slightly but she understood him. He had been there since she started racing. He had tried to care for her. Sometimes he protected her from the rude opponents who didn't want to loose against a boy much younger than they. The old mechanic was kind of a father to her. Or the grandfather she had never had.

"There's still someone out there who needs me." She declared quietly and entered the bright sunshine, entered the track outside.

There's still someone out there who wants me.

dbdbdb

She raced like the devil. No one could hinder her. No one could hold her back. Nothing could slow her down. The track seemed to be too long for her and it took her too much time until she reached the start again. So she speeded up and every bent was a new adventure if the Suzuki would make it or not. During the tenth lap she broke the track record. She broke it with a time her father had always dreamed of. Surely it would take another long time until it would be broken again, but she didn't care about it. She simply drove like crazy and even overtook the last drivers. The audience yelled and the commentator talked the entire time excitedly. They had never seen anything like that before.

Please, stay alive!

Please, God, let her live!

She prayed for the first time, because she had never really believed in God. She was convinced that there was no higher power above. Otherwise he certainly had a lot of fun to watch her life and make it worse with every bloody day!

But now she prayed with all her heart. If there was such a power he should watch over her. The piano player's daughter had never done anything wrong.

She's the light in my darkness.

Minutes seemed to last as long as hours and it seemed to take an eternity until she reached the home stretch. The second racer would arrive two minutes later and she knew that she had driven the race of her life. The audience yelled and it was her honour to drive another lap to enjoy her victory until she had to go to the box again. But this time she didn't even think about this honour. Instead of becoming slower she even speeded up.

"What the hell are you doing?" she heard her father in the micro inside her ear. She reached for the cable and ripped it. The angry voice died away and she concentrated on the exit. It was the exit for normal people but she knew that she couldn't escape on a different way. The audience seemed to feel it and some people stepped aside. She bowed over her handlebars and ignored the pain that went through her body. The audience yelled as she left the track and drove through the mass, through the exit and on the street behind the arena. Her wheels squealed on the hot asphalt and some cars had to brake as she crossed the street and turned around to take the direct way to the highway. She knew where the piano player had moved with his family two years ago, and she believed to know in which hospital his daughter was and fought with her life.

Don't loose this fight!

Her birthplace was several hundred miles away from the hospital but Haruka was trained well. She speeded up on the highway and she knew that she would reach the big city in about an hour or less. As she knew that her father would never be able to find her in that big city.

He will never force me again!

The wind played with her racing suit as she speeded up until she reached her limit. She didn't hesitate and crossed it. After another bend she could see the wide ocean. She had to train too much and so was hardly be able to watch nature's beauty. The surface shimmered like silver in the bright sun, steady waves crushed at the beach and somewhere behind the horizon the sky and the sea seemed to become one.

Strange, I never had a place to go.

But now she felt as if she was coming home.

dbdbdb

"It's such a pity." Declared the nurse to her colleague and thanked for the warm coffee. It was evening and there was little to do. The patients slept and the operations were over. Now they had to watch over the ill people to make sure that they would make it through the night. This was the intensive care unit and the two nurses had seen a lot of sorrow in their lives, but sometimes even they were really shocked.

"Hai, she's so young. Only fourteen. And so talented. The newspapers said that she learned the piano..."

"No, it was the violin."

"Right, the violin since she's four years old and strong enough to hold it. She gave her first concerts with eight and she's very popular. Almost as popular as her father in the music world of Japan." The first nurse sighed and drank a gulp of her hot coffee.

"She's just too young for such a cruel fate." Declared the second nurse and put too spoon full of sugar in her coffee.

"Maybe it's karma that she won't survive."

"Is it so sure?"

"The doctor looked at her with that look on his face this morning. You know that look that makes your heart break."

"Hai."

Silence evolved between them and they sighed again.

"Maybe it's better that she'll die. After all what will she have from her life?" asked the first nurse very silently.

"But she's so young. She has so much time left, so much to experience. So much to learn."

"The doctor isn't sure if she has any brain damages. Maybe she's deaf or blind if she'll awake again. Or she'll be mental handicapped. Then she'll be a person in need of care for the rest of her life. A dead spirit trapped in a still living body."

"It's such a pity. She's such a beautiful girl. And so young! It's said she's won a lot of prices with her music and with swimming. She must be a very good swimmer."

"For sure that's over now. Even if she awakes and even if her brain is okay she'll never be able to walk again. Her legs are broken and the doctor supposes that her backbone got a bad damage."

"But she could live a normal life! Even if she has to use a wheelchair, she would still be able to play her music, to fall in love, to finish school and to get married one day. Her parents were very rich and she'd inherit enough to make her life worth living. She can even drive a car when she uses the helps of special machines!"

"But she's unconscious and the doctor doesn't think that she will awake again. She's almost dead and we can't help her anymore. It's her will to survive now. Maybe she already knows that her parents are dead and so she doesn't want to awake anymore. The newspapers wrote that she loved her parents very much and her parents loved her in return. She has no grandparents and no other relatives. Maybe it's better to die after a short but happy life than to live a long but very lonely one. After all there's no one who would take care of her." The nurse sighed and shrugged helplessly her shoulders. "And even if she's rich it's still very hard to find a person who wants to live the rest of his life with a handicapped person. She would learn a lot again but there are things she would need help for forever. Believe me, it's hard to find such a person. My nephew lost a leg because of an accident and it's very hard for him at school. A lot of students kid him and no girl wants to go out with him."

"But she's so young!"

"Hai..."

Again silence evolved between them and quietly they drank their coffee.

"It's such a pity."

dbdbdb

Haruka took a deep breath, then she turned away from the two nurses. She wore her normal clothes again and the sunglasses although she could hardly see anything in the dark corridor. The motorbike stood on the parking space hidden in the shadows of several trees.

Silently the girl crept through the hospital. Her heart beat violently inside her chest and she could hardly think a clear thought. Her mind was dizzy and the entire world began to spin around her as she heard the nurses' cruel words again and again in her head.

She mustn't die!

Haruka sneaked into the room and froze by the door. There in the middle of the room in a bed was a girl under white blankets. Her sea green hair that once shimmered in the bright sun was matt now. The face was covered with bruises and the once so red cheeks were pale. Deep shadows laid under her once so shinning eyes. No smile curved her now almost white lips. Immobile the girl laid there, only her chest moved with the regular noises of the machines that held her body back from dying. Tubes were connected to her mouth, her neck and her arms. Two drips were connected to her left wrist. Her legs were in plaster.

She looks so fragile.

Haruka swallowed hard and didn't even notice the tears running down her cheeks. Tears she had never felt during the last two years when she walked through hell.

When I thought I knew what hell was. Now I see what real hell is.

She closed the door quietly and came slowly over to the bed. The machine's steady noises were driving her crazy but she calmed herself down and forced herself to sit down on the chair beside the bed.

"You mustn't die." Whispered Haruka with a husky voice and more tears ran down her cheeks. Carefully she touched the pale patient's right hand. A girl who brought a little happiness in her painful life. For only some weeks. But these weeks had been the best in all those terrible fifteen years. Those weeks had been worth living this nightmare.

"Can you hear me?" sobbed Haruka and caressed tenderly the pale cheeks and the matt hair. Once she had touched them, too. But two blue eyes had shone up to her and a loving smile had touched her heart two years ago. Once she had embraced the pale girl and felt her arms around herself as well. And just for once she had kissed her. It was the gentlest touch she'd ever experienced and sometimes she thought that she was born just for this moment that lasted for eternity - and that had been over so fast as if it hadn't happened at all.

But it changed my life forever.

"I know you're not gone." Haruka wasn't good at words. She never knew what to say best and so she often kept silent. When her father argued with her she knew that it was better to keep silent. In other situations it was too hard for to explain her feelings, as well. However, now the words were just pouring out of her mouth.

"You can't be gone! Remember what we promised each other at that time! We promised to go to the same school so that we can be together without him interfering in our world. We promised to be together for the rest of our lives. You've wanted to go on tour with your violin and I've wanted to join you with my piano play. Even your dad said that I am very good at it. You can't forget those weeks back then! You can't forget all those words we've said. You can't..." Haruka sobbed and with a sudden she wasn't ashamed of it. "You're all I've got, Michi-chan. You're the one who keeps me going on. You're the only reason for me being alive. What shall I do without you? You're the ray of hope in my dark life. You can't just go like that. There is too much to do for you. You're so talented! The people need your music! They need you being part of their society. You've always wanted to go to high school. To become a real musician. To see the world. You've always wanted to visit Europe and America. That's all possible. Just stay alive. Just awake again. Please!"

It was the second time in her whole life that Haruka begged for something.

"Don't go, Michi-chan. I need you." She whispered and held the lifeless hand to her now wet cheeks. Warm tears ran down icy fingers.

"Please, come back to me! I need you so much! Please, Michi-chan!" As the pale girl didn't react Haruka lowered her head and sobbed helplessly.

She heard the shaky voice somewhere in the dark. She had been here for such a long time that she thought it was right that way. That she belonged in the dark. It seemed to be right to stay here forever. A feeling said her that there were other people in the dark who wanted her to stay. Then there was a bright light and she headed toward it. She saw two figures standing in it.

"Mom! Dad!" she screamed and wanted to run to them. But at that moment she heard the shaky voice. She blinked and turned around. However, there was only darkness. Her parents were still standing in the light, reaching her hands out for her to take her with them, to take her home. But the shaky voice told her something different. She knew that voice. There had been a time when she had listened to it for hours. She liked to listen to it. Slightly she remembered someone smiling down at her. Suddenly she felt wind playing with her sea green hair and she heard the rushes of the wide ocean. She had been there with that person. And she had loved it. She remembered the sun shinning on her skin and the soft violin music in her mind.

"Please come back to me! I need you so much! Please, Michi-chan!" she had never heard that voice that desperate. Normally it was full of fun and joy.

But only in my presence.

Michiru took a last long look at her parents and waved her trembling hand. Her parents waved back with a smile on their faces. Then they turned around and vanished together with the bright light.

It took all her powers to open her eyes. It was dark and she almost fainted as the pain flashed through her body. Her legs hurt so much she wanted to scream. But she had no power to. She heard the steady noises of machines and saw the tubes connected to her body. Fresh air was pushed in her mouth and blood was pushed in her veins. Her body seemed to burn and she wished herself a great aspirin.

However, the sobbing was louder than the machines. Michiru wanted to scream as she slowly turned her head, but she couldn't. The tubes in her throat and her mouth suffocated every try. She saw the girl sitting next to her bed, holding her hand against her cheek. Michiru could feel the hot tears on her cold skin and it prickled. She could see sunglasses on the white blanket and the blond strands weren't any longer hidden by a dark cap. They covered eyes Michiru liked so much in deep shadows.

"..." Michiru rolled her eyes as her voice didn't obey her. She took all her powers and managed to speak a single word: "Ruka?"

The girl raised her head and Michiru would have gasped if she had been able to. The face was covered with bruises and the eyes were blue and swollen. Tears were running down pale cheeks, meeting no resistance.

He's still beating her.

With the rest of her power Michiru managed to caress over the bruises that were normally hidden by sunglasses and the shadows of the cap.

"Michi-chan?" Hope returned into deep green eyes that had shone so desperately some seconds ago. So empty. So all alone.

The pale girl smiled a small smile but it was the most beautiful smile Haruka had ever seen.

"You're driving me crazy, Michi-chan. I've almost thought..." her voice broke again and a sob escaped her throat. The still cool hand squeezed her own one lightly as if she wanted to show her that she was alright. That she wouldn't die. That she would never go in her own world leaving her behind.

Tears were burning in Michiru's eyes as well and she didn't know how she should handle the pain that filled her body, her life.

"Better I'll call the doctor." Said Haruka and wiped away the tears from her cheeks as if she was suddenly ashamed of them. Then she took her sunglasses again. Michiru's hand tried desperately to hold her back and panic grew in her pale face.

"Don't worry, Michi-chan. I'll never leave you again. I promise."

Dark green eyes looked for some moments deep into tired blue ones.

Haruka made hardly any promises, because she held them with all consequences. Michiru knew that. She let her go and smiled a painful smile toward the now opened door. She heard how the girl ran along the corridors screaming for a doctor not caring about the other patients she would wake up.

Maybe there's still hope.

Michiru closed her eyes and prepared herself for the words of the doctor.

Definite words.

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