Mirror
By Norwalker
Part 13b
Disclaimer: Joss, Mutant Enemy, Inc. and Fox own the right to the characters appearing in the TV show " BtVS". The other characters are the authors, as is the story. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is coincidental. Ok, Perry Mason. Happy?
1
Buffy nods her head, looking at the doorway that was going to be her 'room' for the night.
Digging through her bag, she's kicking herself for being a total moron. She pulls out the blanket she wraps herself in, then digs to get the sweater and couple of blouses, and the sweat pants, to make herself warm enough to sleep.
"You're pretty much a dope, Buffy," She grumbles, donning her ' sleepwear'. " coulda had a cushy bunk. But no, not you. You're so smart, you're sleeping in a doorway…again. Dimwit."
She lays out the blanket, then using her bag as a pillow, settles down to try to get some sleep. Clutched in her hand is the mugger's knife she recovered earlier this evening. Something to keep another moron from trying to take her spot. Yeah, really hate to give up the deluxe room with the ocean view, you know? She laughs, just a little bitterly.
Not like you really deserve better, is it, moron?
Wrapping the blanket around her, shifting around a little, she settles down to try to sleep.
But her rest, if that's what you can call it, is uneasy. She thrashes and moans during the night, as if fighting against someone or something. Something only she can see and hear.
Her eyes open just before dawn breaks. She lays there, staring into the lightening darkness. Her face is covered by a cold sweat. God, they're happening again. It's beginning again. But why? I'm not a slayer anymore. This shouldn't be happening. Not now. God, not now!
But she's having them again. The dreams. She's fighting them again: the demons, the monsters and the vampires. Not then, not as she was when she was the slayer. No, it seems so immediate, so close. As if it's happening now.
And she has those feelings again. The same she had in Sunnydale. That things aren't what they look like; if you scratch the surface, you'll see more. See things that will scare the hell out of you.
She's brought back to the here and now by the trash truck banging bins in the alley. Grabbing her stuff, she scurries away quickly before the business owner shows up. She really doesn't need that hassle. Moving down the alley a bit, she removes the extra clothing she's wearing, and stows it with the blanket in her bag. She takes a moment and stretches, feeling what must be 400 kinks in her back and legs." Hmmm. Beauty Rest stone steps. I gotta recommend them for that good night's sleep."
Grabbing up her bag, she throws it over her shoulder and strides down the alley towards her favorite hustle spot.
Trotting up the steps to the convenience store, she actually feels in the money. Not having to buy dinner last night, she actually has some money for breakfast this morning. She walks in, and stops at the hot counter, checking out the rather dubious breakfast burritos. Picking one up, she feels it's as hard as rock. Probably older than Jesus' sandals, too. Dropping it quickly, she heads for the back. Looking around, she grabs a bottle of orange juice. Then it's off to the bag o junk aisle, where she picks up a package of cookies and some Ho-Ho's . Ah, the breakfast of champs and ex-slayers, she grins as she heads for the cashier.
" Well, princess, you musta done pretty good last night, if you're actually buying breakfast today rather than sneak it out under your coat, " The cashier sort of half grins, half leers at her." So what? Get a little side action going?"
"Funny as a corpse as usual, dude," Buffy taunts him back, " and hey, baby, if I did? And you were shittin' hundreds? You'd still not be invited." She digs a couple of bills out of her jeans and slaps it on the counter. " So, dude, my money's still green, right? Ring me up so I can get out of here and get into a better smelling place, 'K?"
" Well, aren't we the touchy one this morning. What happened? That doorway not all nice and comfy last night?"
" Well, at least I'm not as touchy as you, perv. God, you really love copping a free feel every morning, don't ya? Too bad, outta luck today."
This is the typical routine, and Buffy rather enjoys needling Tim, the morning guy. At least he has a sense of humor. God, John is such a stick. Both get a little pleasure out of the banter.
" Ah well, what can I say, princess? I just adore street trash like you." Tim grins, " reminds me to get my shots every year."
" Ah, what's wrong, baby? You're blow up girl friend develop another hole? Well, if you weren't such a needle dick, " Buffy shrugs, " Oh well, with the fab wages you make here, I'm sure any day now you'll have money enough for Mistress Lola, the deluxe model."
" Yeah, well at least I got a place to sleep at night, " Tim leers, " Of course, I'd always share…if the price was right."
" Yeah, but you're mom would have a heart attack if you had a girlfriend that actually had a heartbeat." Buffy retorts, " and anyway, I'm not looking to catch dork disease."
Tim rings up her items. " Here ya go, princess." He gives her the change." Buy yourself a bar of soap. You might enjoy the change of scent."
" Bye pizza face, ya loser" Buffy says on her way out
" Bye, slutty." Tim calls after her. She loves me. She just don't know it yet, he chuckles, as he walks over to check the coffee beaker.
Buffy's next stop is the newspaper rack by the store. Even though so far, the classifieds had yielded nil in the way of jobs, still, hope springs eternal. Hope, and the strong desire not to have to dine on the crappy food at this place anymore. Or hustle a lot of strangers for loose change so she can afford it.
Walking to her favorite al fresco dining spot, also known as the bus bench, she opens the orange juice and takes a swig. She tears off the end of the Ho-Ho's, and shaking one out, takes a bite. Yummy. Chocolaty goodness.
She turns to the back of the paper, planning on reading the want ads. But her eye strays over to the birth and death announcements, then to the obituaries. She notes there are a lot of deaths. More than would be normal in a smallish town like Kent.
She flips back through the paper, and checks out the crime pages. She reads the headline about murders being on the rise, and about the mysterious deaths. People found dead, no apparent motives. Blood loss, strange neck wounds. No blood found around the bodies, or at the crime scenes.
She sits on the bench for awhile, her face thoughtful. Her food forgotten, she just stares into the air, her mind going over and over what she's read.
People found dead, no apparent motives. Blood loss, strange neck wounds. No blood found around the bodies, or at the crime scenes.
" It's just a coincidence, " She tells herself, " It doesn't mean anything. " She starts to turn back to the want ads, and stops. She reads over the page again.
People found dead, no apparent motives. Blood loss, strange neck wounds. No blood found around the bodies, or at the crime scenes…
Damn. Vampires. Damn.
She sits on the bench a while longer, seeming to have an internal struggle going on. Finally, she comes to a decision. She gets up off the bench, and grabbing her bag and the newspaper, starts walking down the street.
She knows what she has to do, and isn't liking it much.
Rose Weiss just finishes vacuuming the front room carpet when she hears a knock at the door. She gets a slightly vexed expression on her face. Why do these salespeople always call right when I'm in the middle of things.? Letting out an impatient sigh, she walks to the door. I hope it isn't kids selling candy or subscriptions again. I'm already taking 3 papers, and I can't eat anymore candy. I know they're little sharks in kid's clothing ,probably conning me, but I can't seem to say no.
" I already have 3 newspaper subscriptions, so if…" She starts talking before the door is fully open. Then the words die in her mouth.
Buffy, looking down at her feet, is standing at the door. She has her stocking cap in hand, twirling it nervously in her hands.
My! Is all Rose can think seeing her.
" Well, Anne, this is a pleasant surprise, " Rose says, once she recovers from her surprise. " I must say I didn't expect to see you again so soon, but please, come in." Rose backs from the door, opening the screen. " I'm sure I can find something for breakfast…"
Buffy looks up, but not all the way up, avoiding eye contact. " Ummm…I'm not here to eat, Mrs. … er … Rose. I was wondering… Ah, this is a stupid idea, I'll go…" she turns away, starting down the porch.
Dumb, Buffy. You think she'd want you around after you pretty much blew her off last night. You'll just have to…
" Anne, dear? What is it? Where are you going?" Rose calls after her. " Is there something I can help you with?"
Buffy turns back, her expression reflecting the conflicting feelings inside. Buffy is not one to ask for help. Pride, pig-headedness, or whatever makes it extremely hard for her to say " I need some help here." So coming here and having to apologize about last night, and then ask if she can take Rose up on that offer from last night is extremely difficult. She's always been a take charge, get it done, kind of girl. Well, except in relationships, where that attitude pretty much just falls apart. It's always been one of her strengths, and also one of her weaknesses. For instance, right now; she needs help, but doesn't know how or want to ask for it.
" Look, ummm… Mrs. … Rose… Mrs. …Can I just call you Mrs. Weiss, please?" Buffy still avoids eye contact, " not used to calling someone like you by their first name."
" It's alright, Anne. I was just trying to make it less formal, but if it's more comfortable…" Rose can see the girl's really having a hard time of it here, though she suspects she knows what she's come for.
" I was really rude last night to you, Mrs. Weiss, and I wanted to apologize to you…" Buffy mumbles, " I know you were just trying to help me out, and I appreciate it and all, but I…"
" There's no need to apologize, dear. I know you're a young girl, independent and all, and want to be out on your own, " Rose can't help smiling, " I know for a fact that when I was you're age it certainly wasn't my dream to live with some old lady…"
" That's the deal, look, I was stupid, ok? I'm… wondering if … well… ah, this is just stupid. I'm sorry I bothered you again…"
"Anne, stop," Rose stops her before she can start to run away again," You're so close. Just a little more, and I promise, it won't hurt too much."
"Ok, I lied last night, " Buffy opens the gates, letting the flood rush out, " I didn't have anywhere to go, but I didn't want you to know that. I was ashamed, ok? And I didn't want charity…I don't want charity…but I really need a place to stay. I'll find a way to pay you, somehow. You tell me how much you want, and I'll get the money. I promise. Really."
" Why don't you come inside, Anne? I don't know about you, but I don't like to discuss financial matters in the front yard."
Buffy trudges up the steps of the porch, carrying her bag. Rose looks askance at the rather dirty, ratty looking luggage. " Dear, why don't you leave that out here? I just cleaned inside…" She sees Buffy's look. " Don't worry. No one will steal it during the daytime."
Buffy reluctantly drops the sack on the porch, and follows Rose inside.
" So dear," Rose says as they walk through the living room. " Are you hungry? Have you had anything to eat today?"
" Oh yeah, I had breakfast. No sweat." Buffy smiles.
" Really? What?" Rose asks innocently.
" Well, I had orange juice and.." Crap! I left my food on the bench. I'm a moron!" … stuff. I'm full." Buffy pats her tummy.
" Uh-huh," Rose says knowingly, " So I guess , if I just happened to have baked some fresh muffins, you wouldn't be interested then?"
Buffy remembers the corn muffins from last night. How sweet they tasted, how moist they were, how they seemed to melt in her mouth…
" Well, I guess I could eat one, I mean, to be polite, of course."
" Of course," Rose agrees. She brings the pan of muffins, along with two plates, and sets them on the table. " Would you like something to drink? Milk, coffee, juice?
" Juice, please?" Buffy asks, her eyes riveted on the muffins.
Rose goes to get the juice, and coffee for herself. She can barely hold back from laughing, seeing the way her guest is staring at the muffins. She shakes her head. Poor dear, if she'd just learn to ask for help. She returns to the table, giving Buffy her juice, and sitting opposite her.
" Well, Anne, please help yourself. They aren't going to leap out of the pan onto your plate." Rose takes a muffin, and cuts it in half, buttering it.
Three muffins later, Buffy looks up to see Rose looking at her, eyes wide. She blushes.
" I did it again, didn't I?" Buffy says, wiping the crumbs from her mouth, " I made a pig of myself again."
Rose can't hold back the laugh any longer," No dear, you didn't. It's ok to be hungry. Believe me, no one's enjoyed my cooking so much in years." She sobers up, and adds, " It's also alright to ask for help, if you need it."
Buffy looks at her plate, then up at Rose. " Look, Mrs. Weiss. I meant what I said in the yard. I'll find a way to pay for the backhouse. I will. I don't need charity."
" I'm not giving you charity, Anne. That's not what this is about. I'm just trying to give you a hand. I know you're proud, that's pretty obvious. And I'm not planning on supporting you. but you have to learn something. Giving help isn't just about the receiver, dear. Letting someone help gives them a feeling of worth. That they can give something back, having so much for themselves. You're kind of denying me that pleasure by refusing a little help."
" But I feel like a sponge, living here for free…"
" I didn't say it was free, dear," Rose says.
" Ah, ok. How much then?" Ah, man, I don't have a clue where I'm going to get the money.
"Well, as I said, I would like to have someone around. It gets kind of scary to live alone sometimes."
" That's not enough…"
" I'm not finished, dear. I'm getting up in years, and doing the yard work is not much fun anymore. So, part of your 'rent' would be keeping the yard up. And I might need help with other things around the house. Think you can do that?"
Buffy nods." I'm looking for a job. When I get one, I'll start paying money, too."
" Yes, well. About that. I have a friend who runs the Victim's shelter over on Hobart St. I sometimes volunteer there. She needs someone to do janitorial duties. It's not glamorous, and it doesn't pay much… now, dear, it's not that bad." Rose rises and goes to Buffy, who's started crying.
" Why're you being so nice to me?" Buffy gets out between quiet sobs, "I don't deserve it. I'm a bad person. I've done awful things. I've hurt lots of people. My friends, my family…. I don't deserve to be treated so…I'm… an awful person." She looks up at Rose. " I've got to make it up, make it right, don't you see? I can't go home 'til I've made it right."
" Don't you think they'll forgive you, Anne?" Rose asks gently. " Most families forgive. Did you give them a chance?"
" They forgave me, that's not it. I'm not worthy to be around them, don't you get it? I've done so many bad things to them. How can I look at them, knowing what I've done… tried to do? How can they… I just can't … not until I can find a way to make it right again." Buffy sighs heavily," they're better off without me. All of them. You too," Buffy rises to leave. " You shouldn't be so nice to me. I'm an evil person. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything."
" Maybe not, Anne," Rose says, " but that's what forgiveness is about. Giving a chance to someone who probably doesn't deserve it. Frankly, dear, you've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself long enough to take a chance on someone who wants to help you. You have to earn you're spot back, and that's going to be hard. No shortcuts. But you won't, if you keep running away." She looks at Buffy," Do you want to work your way back?"
Buffy closes her eyes and nods.
" Good. If you didn't, you wouldn't be the person I believe you to be," Rose says firmly, " I think you're too harsh on yourself, Anne. I think you don't forgive yourself nearly enough. If you saw yourself through the eyes of your loved ones, I don't think you'd be so angry with yourself. You expect yourself to be perfect. Sorry honey, no ones perfect. Well, I am, but that's just our secret, ok?"
Buffy smiles.
" That's better, " Rose nods, " So, when was the last time you talked to your family, Anne?"
Buffy shrugs, a little embarrassed.
" I don't suppose there'd be any chance they live in Ohio?"
" No," Buffy says.
Rose sighs, " Of course not. Where do they live?"
" California," Buffy says quietly.
" Of course they do, " Rose says, " Even so, I think it's important that you call them. Let them know where you are, that you're safe…"
" No, I can't, " Buffy says, " I can't do that!"
" Don't you think they're worried about you?"
" No, they think I'm still in therapy… in England."
Rose eyes widen, " England? In therapy?" Rose cocks her head. " If you're supposed to be in therapy, why are you…?"
" I left early." Buffy puts up her hands. " Honest, I'm not crazy. I don't like talk to plants or hear voices or nothing. I'm better, but I left… I told the counselors I wanted to go home, I needed to. So they let me out…and…"
" You decided you couldn't go home," Rose finishes. " What happens when you're supposed to be back, and you don't show up? Did you think you're family's just wasn't going to notice?"
" I don't know what I thought, " Buffy says in a low voice, " I guess I hoped they'd just give up on me…"
" You're family sends you to England to have therapy…"
" It was… a special case. I really can't explain it."
" Nevertheless, they do that. I'm assuming you're family isn't rich…"
" Huh? No, not at all…"
" So, they go to the trouble and expense to send you to England, and you think they're just going to give up on you?" Rose looks at her sternly, " Not giving them much credit, are you?"
" I can't face them, I can't. I'm sorry, but you don't know what I've done. You just don't, and I can't tell you." Buffy moves away, heading for the front door. " I'm sorry to have wasted your time, again."
" Anne, stop!" Rose says, firmly," You can't keep running." She sighs, and walks to Buffy. " I understand it's hard, but you're going to have to tell them sometime. But maybe not today." She pauses, thinking for a second." Still, I think you should call you're folks. Let them know you're ok. I guess you can tell them you're still in therapy, and maybe say you'll be a little longer than you thought. I don't like to lie, but sometimes, I suppose, you have to."
Buffy starts to shake her head no.
" You'll feel better when you hear their voices, know they don't hate you, Anne." Rose sighs. " I'm sorry, but this will be a deal breaker. Part of you're rent is calling home every month. Of course, after this call, you'll be working and paying for it. If you don't call …" Rose shrugs, " I guess we don't have a deal."
"Alright," Buffy almost whispers.
" Ok, so let's make that call, then we can start getting you settled in…"
" Do I have to do it now? Can't it wait? Until I have the job and can pay for it?"
Rose gives her a stern look.
" I guess not, " Buffy swallows hard.
Rose leads her to the phone, and watches as she dials.
" All right, I'll give you some privacy. I'll be in the next room." Rose leaves.
2
Joyce Summers is just pouring her first cup of coffee when the phone rings. She looks at the kitchen clock and groans.
Who is that this early? I hope it's not that agent for the Asian art collection again. I told him the pieces he had just weren't the type of work we sell. Some idiots never give up. And at 6 a.m. Ok, pal, I think the gloves are off now!
Joyce walks over to the phone, and picks it up.
" Hello?" She says, impatiently.
" Mom?" a small sounding voice says, "It's me."
" Buffy? Buffy?" Joyce almost spills her coffee. It's been so long since she's heard her voice. Not since…" Baby? Are you ok? Is everything ok?"
" Everything's ok, mom, " Buffy says, " I… I just called because… I wanted to see how you are…"
" Buffy," Joyce starts breathing again. She closes her eyes to keep the tears back," I'm fine, honey. I … how are you? Are you… feeling better now…?"
" If you're asking if I still have a close personal relationship with the doorknobs? No, mom, I'm not talking to myself anymore. Or screaming… still having the dreams… and there are some bad days… but I'm getting there…"
"I'm sorry hon, I know I'm being all momish… I know that's gross… but I was worried about you… I am worried about you, honey… I mean… when you left…"
" I know, mom. I wish you hadn't seen that…" Buffy sighs, " I should've called sooner. I know. But I … after what happened… after what I did to you… I just…"
" Buffy, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that I love you, honey, and miss you. Are you coming home soon? They said maybe it wouldn't be too much longer…?"
" Actually, mom, I might be here awhile longer. I'm better, but I'm not really back to … me… yet. I still have a lot of stuff to work through…"
" It's your father, right? It's because he wasn't around, you didn't have a strong male role model. I should've been after him more to visit…"
" Mom, this has nothing to do with dad…or anything you think as guilty mom you might have done. It's just after all that's happened, I still need time to work out more stuff." Buffy pauses, " Anyway, I had a strong male role model. Giles."
" Giles is hardly you're father, Buffy…"
" I know mom," Buffy decides to redirect the topic. " How is he? How's he doing?"
" Your father? I don't know. I haven't heard from …"
" Giles, mom."
" Oh… he's ok, he's still running the Magic Box. He was upset when you…"
" Could you tell him I called, if you see him? Let him know I … miss you… I miss both of you." Buffy's voice gets quavery.
" Oh, honey, we miss you too."
" I… I love you, mom…" Buffy starts to cry.
Joyce starts to cry, too. " Oh, baby, I love you too. It's ok . Everything's ok, honey. Shhh… don't cry."
" It's not ok, mom… I did so many bad things… to you…to everyone… I'm sooo sorry…" Buffy struggles to get under control. " God, I'm being such a baby." She takes a deep breath, and exhales slowly. "Ok, better. That's better."
" Everything's ok here, honey. Don't worry about us… we'll be fine. You just take what time you need to get better."
" I'm sorry, mom. I didn't mean to be so… " Buffy sighs, again. " How's Faith? Is she ok? Is she there?"
Joyce hesitates. How do I tell her? Ok, just do it. Best she just knows. " Honey, Faith… well, Willow's been going through a bad time with Tara, and well…Faith's been staying there with her… to give her help and support."
" Oh." There's a long pause. " Oh, ok, that's good. Yes, that's what she should do. Willow's a friend. Yes, that's good".
" Are you alright, honey? " Joyce asks, hearing the weird tone in her voice.
" Oh, I'm ok, it's fine mom. Just didn't expect it, but it's cool, " Buffy recovers, " Tell Faith, when you see her? I miss her and love her."
" Ok, sweetheart," Joyce says, " are you sure you're ok?"
" Yes, I'm fine mom, really, " Buffy asserts. " Look, I better go. They're starting to give me dirty looks here. Phone charges, way high in England, you know."
" Alright, Buffy. Just don't worry, everything's ok, here. We're fine. You just get better. We'll see you soon?"
" It's going to be a while, mom."
" Ok, just concentrate on getting better, dear. I love you."
" I love you too, mom. Bye."
" Bye, honey."
Joyce sets down the phone. Well, she sounded ok… but…well, I guess they know best. And she was a little upset about Faith. Joyce shakes her head. I'll never understand any of this, will I?
Sighing, Joyce walks over to read the morning paper.
Buffy stares at the receiver for a moment, then hangs it up.
It's for the best, Buffy. This is what you wanted. It's ok, it's ok. Just… chill. It's…gonna be ok now. She'll be happy, and that's what's important. Remember that. It's good. It's all good.
She walks into the next room, a smile plastered on her face.
" So, is everything ok? Everybody ok?"
" Yeah, it's all good. You were right, that helped." Buffy says.
" Good, I'm glad to hear it, Anne," Rose says, rising from her chair. " So, ready to go see the guest house?"
" Yes, please."
" Ok, well, it's out the back door to the left. I'll be right with you, Anne. I just need to get the key."
Buffy leaves, and Rose goes to retrieve the key from the drawer in the kitchen.
I wonder why she's lying to me?
She gets the key, and follows Buffy out the back door.
3
Willow hesitates at the entrance to the Bronze.
It had been a month or so since the little ' romantic' breakfast at Willow's, and the aftermath. Faith had decided to stay with her, help her get through the decision she had to make about Tara. That had helped, but it still had been a very difficult time for Willow. While they still shared a closeness , Willow had felt a slight withdrawal from Faith. Nothing specific, really, nothing she could point at and go " ah-HAH!". But she felt a definite nervousness between them, something that hadn't been there before. Maybe I shouldn't have done the sharing thing. Maybe that wigged her out, just a little.
She couldn't just blame this on Faith. She knew, when she was being honest with herself, that she also felt a nervousness being with Faith these days. That was something they hadn't had before. The one really nice thing about the 'casual' in their relationship? It kept things lighter, easier. No messy deep feelings, no commitments to fulfill. It was, " Well, we're here, lets have a little fun together. What can it hurt?" And nobody wanted to talk about the 900 pound blond gorilla lurking in the corner.
Willow looks around the club, and spots Faith at a table. Their table. Oh god that's not good. Not supposed to an ' our ' table. Not supposed to be an ' our ' anything. Ok, Will. Just do it. Let's get this done.
Willow weaves her way through the crowd, heading for the table Faith is sitting at. She stops a couple of times to wait for couples who, for one reason or another, are blocking her path. She could've gone around them but for some reason … Yeah, some reason … isn't in a hurry to get to the table.
When she arrives at the table, she stops again, looking at Faith's back. This is going to be harder than I thought. She walks over and puts a hand on Faith's shoulder.
" Hey, " Willow leans over, kissing the top of Faith's head. She moves around and seats herself.
" Hey, there you are, " Faith smiles. She nods towards the half full beer bottle. " Sorry, you were kinda late, so I got a beer. Wasn't sure you were coming, " Faith is only half joking.
" Sorry," Willow smiles ruefully, " just seems like a million things hit last minute today. I got stuck at work an extra hour."
"Yeah, kinda figured. That seems to be happening a lot lately, " Faith cocks her head, " I'm thinking they take advantage of you… you know, you being so good and all ."
" It's not just me, Faith. Everybody works over some. They're not picking on me, or anything."
" Ok," Faith puts up her hands in surrender, " just seems they're taking a little advantage. Just my opinion. Not a big."
" Kind of needing the job, Faith, you know? I'm saving for school, remember?" Willow stands up. " Think I'll get a beer, be right back ok?" Before Faith can stop her she's headed towards the bar.
Faith watches her go, and frowns.
Smooth, Faith, smooth. You know she's working hard, and it's been rough on her. Now you're playing brat. You sure you don't got some of Blondie in you? Maybe when you made love, she like passed it to you. Oh right, good. Blame Buffy now too.
This last month hasn't been easy on her. She's felt all itchy and scratchy, and she knows why. But she can't tell Willow…you know, the one she talks to about these things. She can't tell mom… that would be mega-disaster. And Giles? Oh, please! Worst thing… one of the worst things, anyway, is that she has to hide it deep, pretend it isn't happening. Oh, and she knows it's affecting her relationship with Willow, even if she doesn't know about it. Because Faith's been all itchy and scratchy all month.
" You're kinda broody tonight," Willow says, returning to the table, beer in hand, " Everything alright?"
" Hmmm? Oh yeah, fine." Faith says. She points at her head, " just doin a little thinking. I'm not a big brain like you, Red. Takes me a little longer."
"Faith, stop that," Willow says, a little irritated. " I hate when you put yourself down like that. You're very smart, and you know you're very smart. All this " I'm dumb" stuff is really annoying, you know?" Willow takes a sip of her beer.
"Geeze, we're kinda touchy tonight, aren't we?" Faith asks, a little defensively, " I was only joking."
" I wish that were true, Faith, but we both know it's not. Everybody's told you all your life you're not smart, you're stupid, and you believe them. Well, I saw your ' light reading' Kierkegaard? Nietzche? Helvetius? Not exactly what I'd call romance novels."
" Yeah, well, I only look at 'em for the pictures. Never read the articles, you know?" Faith deadpans.
Willow snorts. " You nut, " She shakes her head, and can't help smiling. " How do you do that? always making me laugh. " Willow reaches out, touching Faith's hand. " Sorry for getting so bitchy. Just a weird day I guess."
" Oh?" Faith asks.
" Just… got this today in the mail, " Willow pulls an envelop out of her purse, and hands it to Faith. Faith opens it, starts to read the letter, and grimaces." More lawyer speak. What's it about, Red?"
Willow briefly rolls her eyes, " It's a letter confirming that Tara's been made a ward of the court." She frowns.
" You ok, Red?" Faith takes her hand and squeezes it. " I know that wasn't easy to do."
" No, it wasn't, " Willow sounds little distant, " but I had to do it. I know that. Things weren't going to change until I did."
Faith scoots her stool around closer to Willow. She puts her arm around her. " Still, that doesn't make it any less tough. Is there anything I can do? To help?"
Willow looks into Faith's deep brown eyes, and she feels herself become all jelly inside. God, this is going to be murder. Damn! She reaches out , and touches Faith's face.
" You've already helped. A lot." She says softly. She smiles
Faith, however, can see the sadness behind the smile. " What? What aren't you telling me, Red? What else is bothering you?"
Willow scans Faith's face. " Kiss me?" She asks, almost a whisper. Faith leans in, and they kiss. It's a tender kiss, emotional but not passionate. It breaks quickly.
" I guess, I need to show you this, too, " Willow pulls out another envelope from her purse. She hands it to Faith.
Faith opens it, and pulls out a folder. Inside is a ticket to Cleveland, Ohio.
" Where's the other part?" Faith asks, looking in the folder.
" Other part?"
" The return ticket?"
Willow is silent. Faith looks at her, and feels a tiny stab of ice in her stomach.
" Willow? Where's the return ticket? There is a return ticket, isn't there?"
Willow shakes her head. She's afraid to speak.
" Willow, I don't get it. What's this mean? What's going on?" Faith looks like she wants to bolt.
" I'm leaving Sunnydale, Faith, " Willow says softly, " I'm going to Kent State to get my Master's in education. It's a good opportunity, and my grandmother lives close by. I can stay there while I complete my degree."
" I don't get it. Why now? Why're you leaving now?" Faith is stunned.
" Faith, I really have to. I need to get away from here. Too many bad things have happened in Sunnydale. Too many bad memories. Everything is still too close, too fresh. I need time to separate myself from what's happened here. Do you understand?"
" Yeah, " Faith says automatically, " no, wait…I don't. I don't understand. Is this about Tara?"
" Tara, "Willow nods, " and Buffy."
" Buffy?" Faith gets a strange look on her face.
" Yeah. Faith, honey, did you think like Buffy would come home, and we'd be all one big happy family, Three's Company style? Did you think we were going to keep doing what we do after she returned?" Willow frowns. " It's going to be awkward enough, between you two, her being gone so long, without what we're about being in the way." Willow smiles at her, patting her hand. She sees the look on Faith's face. " Don't worry, baby. I'm ok about it. I know I was just a placeholder. Buffy will be home soon, and you two will get together, and it's going to be all good, you'll see. It'll be easier if I'm not here."
Faith shakes her head, as if trying to clear out a bad dream.
" Buffy's not coming home, " Faith says simply.
" What?" Willow looks shocked.
" Not right away, anyway. She called mom, oh I guess it was a few weeks ago. I just ran into mom at the store the other day. She told me about the call. That Buffy told her she was extending her stay in England. No specific time frame as to when she's coming back. Or IF she's coming back." Faith waves her hand, " ok, I think she's coming back. Just, the when? Real up in the air."
" Faith, there's got to be a mistake. Joyce must've made a mistake."
" No mistake, Red. She told mom she had things to ' work out' yet. I kinda thinking, I'm one of those things."
" That's crazy talk, Faith," Willow says, " Sorry. I mean, she loves you. She's not trying to dump you."
" Mom told her I was living at your place, Willow. She says she recovered quickly, but was rather surprised. I'm thinking mom left out the " upset as hell " part. Maybe."
" Oh," Willow says, then grimaces. " Oh. Not good." She drums her fingers on the table. " Do you think Buffy is really mad enough to leave you though, Faith? "
" With Buffy? God, I haven't a clue. Mom was saying after the first bit of shock, she was all " Well, that's good. She should be there, comforting Willow" Or something like that. On one hand, the girl shoves us together, then on the other, gets all bent when we're together. Or I sense she does. She never says it, but I can like feel it. Or felt it. Oh, I'm just so fucking confused!" Faith lifts her beer and takes a long swallow. " Now, I'm finding , instead of having a friend here, and a girlfriend there, I have a friend leaving, and looking like she's not coming back, and my girlfriend looks like she's not coming back. I think the 900 pound gorilla just punched me in the face."
"Faith, hon, " Willow reaches out to Faith, but Faith scoots away. " It's going to be better with me gone. Buffy' will cool off, and once you tell her that I'm gone, and we were only casual, it didn't mean anything, then… she'll come around."
" Like she came around for Riley?" Faith looks at her, " you forgot you gave me all those memories. She didn't exactly understand when she thought Riley was running around on her…"
" Is that what you think we did? Cheat on her?" Willow looks hurt.
" No, I know it wasn't like that. You know that. But is Buffy going to get that?"
" Buffy was kicking herself about 10 seconds after Riley left. She realized it was her fault, not his. I don't think she's going to be making that mistake again. Not with you."
" She might not see this the same way. This involves her best friend. She might… ahhh, I don't know." Faith looks away.
" Faith, it's going to be ok, I promise you… I'll talk to her, make her understand…"
" I gotta go, " Faith stands up suddenly.
" Faith, wait, " Willow stands up, " don't leave like this. Please."
" No, Red, vampire" Faith points towards the exit. " Gotta go dust him. I'll be back." She hurries away from the table.
I don't see a vampire, Willow looks towards the exit. Hold on, fake out. Oh no you don't, mister! Willow starts towards the exit after Faith.
The vampire has his victim pinned against the wall. She screams.
" Oh , c'mon, baby. Just hold still. It won't hurt a bit." The vampire morphs to his demon form.
" That's really romantic, guy. I know it made me all weak in the knees, " Faith says from behind the vamp. She grabs him, and turning him around, punches him. He falls back a ways.
" Slayer?" The vampire says, wiping his mouth.
" You can go now, " Faith says to the girl, who runs off. She turns just in time to see the vampire sneaking off himself. " Not you, moron." She grabs him and slams him against the wall. "We haven't even had our dance yet, baby." She throws a kick, but the vamp blocks it, scooting out of the way.
" Gee, Slayer, you seem a little distracted," the vampire mocks her, "course, I guess I can get that." He throws a punch, hitting Faith and knocking her back.
"What the hell are you talking about, blood brain?" Faith does a twirling kick, knocking the vampire into the wall.
" You're girlfriend there. Dumping you. Leaving town. Gotta smart, " The vampire blocks her next kick, then tries to grab her. Faith blocks his arm, and knees him in the stomach. " Ooof!" The vampire falls back, " I can see it pissed you off."
" You were listening to our conversation?" She sweep kicks him, but he jumps her leg, throwing a flying kick of his own. She falls back." What are you, a perv too?"
" You're the slayer. I'm a vampire. What you do interests me, you know? So I listened in. Gotta love the vamp hearing"
Faith does a combo kick punch, knocking him up against the wall. She drives her elbow into his chest.
" Gotta say, must be rough, two of 'em dumping you. One by phone yet. That's harsh. Ow!"
Faith punches him in the solar plexus. He staggers a little, then comes back, throwing a kick punch at her. She ducks it, and he goes flying.
" Nobody dumped me moron, get it? Anyway, we're just friends." She kicks him in the ribs. He grabs her foot, and shoves her up, back and off her feet. She lands on her butt. The vampire jumps up.
" Just friends? Really? I don't know. When Red there told you she was leaving, sure looked like you wanted to cry. Vamp sight? Pretty cool too. Anyway, I'm thinking there's more than friendship there. At least on your part." He tries to kick her head, but she grabs his foot and shoves him off… he staggers back and falls. Faith jumps up, and pulls her stake.
" Oh great. Who are you? Dr. Phil for the undead?" She jumps on him, straddling him.
" Look, Slayer, none of my biz, I know. Well, used to be. I was a therapist before I became undead and evil, but hey … did you talk to her about it?"
"Talk about what?" She punches him.
" Like, ow! That hurt!" The vampire pushes her off, and gets up, " Geeze, so angry. Anyway, did you tell her how you feel?"
Faith rushes him, driving him across the alley into the opposite building. She starts punching him.
"How I feel?" Punch. " She's my friend." Punch. " I feel friendly" Punch, punch.
" Uh-huh, " The vampire head butts her, then swing kicks her away. " Well, I think someone's in denial land, myself." He rushes her, and she steps out the way. He goes flying, landing on his face. He pushes up, and faces her. " Truth be told, I think you love her."
" Truth be told, " She mocks him, " I think you're a moron." She does a combo sweep kick, and knocks him against some trash cans. " I think you've been eating way too many diseased idiots. It's gone to your head, Dr. Phil" She kicks him in the chest.
" Really? Then why all the anger? I mean, you're the slayer. You could've finished me off by now" He grabs her leg, and tosses her aside, and stands. " But looks like you're taking your anger out on me. I saw how you looked when she told you. You looked like someone kicked you in the stomach. Ok, maybe, real off chance, that was surprise. But did you react like a friend? No, you got angry, and told her how you felt you were being abandoned. Well, not in so many words, but it was all there in the body language!"
" Body language, my ass," She drives him into the wall, arm across his neck. " Lets see how your body likes this language" She drives the stake into his chest.
" Aw… shi…" He says, before he crumbles to dust.
" Whatta dope," She says, dusting off her hands. She turns and sees Willow standing behind her, staring at her. She almost jumps out of her skin. " Red, what the hell are you doing here?"
" Is it true? What he said?" Willow stands staring at her.
" What? Oh please, you mean the Dr. Phil wannabe?" Faith looks disgusted. " Of course not. He's just trying blow smoke up my ass, distract me. I've heard lame stuff before, but…" She starts to move around Willow, but Willow gets aggressive, driving her back into the wall. " Hey, what the hell?"
" Is it true? What he said?" Willow uses her body to block Faith.
" Red, I don't know what's gotten into you, but I'd suggest you move." Faith tries to duck around her, but Willow moves with her. " I'm warning you. I don't want to hurt you." She tries a feint, then ducking the other way, but Willow doesn't fall for it. She pushes Faith back against the wall, using her arm across Faith's chest.
" You didn't answer me. Is what he said the truth?"
" What do you care?" Faith asks. Willow pushes harder against her chest. " Ok, of course not. It's a fairy tale, ok?" Faith, getting angry, picks up Willow, and moves her to the side, as gently as possible. " So who cares, anyway, right? You're outta here, so what's the deal?" Faith starts to walk away.
" You don't care that I'm leaving?" Willow calls after her.
Faith stops, and half turns around. Her face is set in a smirk. "What's your deal, Red? It was all casual, right? A nice slap and tickle. So what's the third degree about?" She turns, waves her hand dismissively, and starts away.
" Why're you dodging my questions? Why aren't you answering me straight?"
Faith stops dead. For a second, she just stands there, back to Willow. Then she turns, and starts striding towards her, fast. It looks as if she's going to run her over.
" So, you want straight answers, huh, Red?" Faith pushes Red up against the wall, holding her forearm across her neck. " This straight enough for ya? Fine. Ok. Question one. Do I love you? NO! Do I give a crap if you leave town? NO! That clear?" She leans in, her face inches from Willow's " Remember, Red, these were your rules. It's all casual. We're only comforting each other. It doesn't mean jack, and we part friends. No strings, no ties, no heartaches. Remember that?"
" Faith, please… you're hurting me." Willow chokes out.
Faith drops her arm, and backs away. Willow goes to her knees.
" I don't get you, Red. What did you expect me to say? " Hey, babe, lets blow this burg? I'll take you someplace far away. We'll forget everything but you and me. I'll make you so happy, so fucking horny, you'll pee your pants?" That what you want to hear? Faith notices Willow still on her knees. Concerned, she goes over and kneels by her. " You ok?"
"No," Willow moans." You hurt me." She touches her neck.
" Ah, man, Red, I got too rough. I'm sorry…" Faith reaches to help her up. " Let me get you to the doctor, have a look at that."
" No, Dumbass, not there!" Willow growls at her. " Here!" She hits her chest.
Faith looks confused.
Willow hauls herself up, then lashes out, knocking Faith over on her butt. She walks away
" Red, what the hell?" Faith calls out, angrily.
Willow whirls around, red faced. " Fuck you, Faith Lehane! I've seen lots of sides of you but never straight up cruel before." She starts to turn away again, but then is back around facing faith. She marches over, and slaps her face! " No, you don't just get to get away with it, screw that ! God, how can you be so fucking cold?" She stands over Faith, glowering down at her.
" I… I don't get it," Faith says, " This what you said you wanted. Casual, nothing more. Why're you getting so fucking nuclear?"
Willow shakes her head, as if she can't believe it.
" I was wrong before. You ARE stupid! Can't you put one and one together Faith, and come up with two? What do I have to do, spell it out for you? Fine. I will. Why do you think I want to get outta Sunnydale so badly? Why do you think I'm moving so far away? Why do you think I went to my Father, and lied to him, telling him I wasn't gay anymore, so he'd give me money for college? Think that was fun? Lying to him, watching him get all happy and sing praises to God that his daughter came to her senses. Did ya notice, I'm still gay? But I lied, so I could get the money to get away from here. Why do you think that?"
" Because of Tara?"
" EEEHHHHH ! Wrongo, so wrongo it's almost funny. No, it's not Tara, Faith. I still love her, and in some way, always will. But I know she's gone, she's not coming back, and I've accepted that. I've done the moving on. Real recently. Remember? You were there, holding my hand, holding me while I nearly broke apart. No, it's not Tara Faith. Try again."
Faith starts to get up. " I don't want to play this game anymore." Willow shoves her back down. " Hey!"
" I said, try again!"
Faith looks up and almost freaks. She would swear Willow's green eyes are totally black. Gotta be the light.
" I don't get this, Red. Why're you being so damned angry? What the fuck did I do?"
" I said, TRY AGAIN!" Willow shout at her. She comes over and slaps Faith again, hard. " Quit stalling!"
" Jesus, damn, " Faith touches her reddening cheek." Quit the fuck with the hitting. Fine. I play your stupid game. Is it Buffy? Is that what's got you so pissed off?"
"You're half right, " Willow kneels down. " Buffy's part of it." Willow's voice is calmer. Almost coldly calm. " It's not just Buffy. It's you and Buffy."
" Me and Buffy?" Faith looks at her. " Me and Buffy?"
" Don't you understand? Can't you see? Are you really that blind, Faith?" Willow looks in her face, trying to get beneath the bravado. " You really don't, do you?" She stands up. She wonders if it's even worth saying. I'll be gone, and she'll move on to Buffy. I'll just be a pleasant memory. Just leave it, just let it go.
She suddenly aware that Faith is standing next to her. She looks up.
" What about Me and Buffy? What does that mean?"
" Faith, just drop it, ok? It's not important. Let it go." Willow starts to walk away.
" No, dammit," Faith gets around her, blocking her. " You don't just start something, and then say, " forget it." What is this about? What about me and Buffy? What's that supposed to mean?"
Willow feels trapped. She looks this way and that, and can't find a way out.
" Don't, please Faith. Just don't"
" Answer me!" Faith growls at her.
" Fine!" Willow loses it. " I'm jealous, ok? I so fucking jealous I … "
" Of me and Buffy?"
" Of Buffy having you! I'm jealous of my best friend, because SHE HAS YOU!"
" What?" Faith steps back, shaking her head. " This… this isn't supposed… to …"
" No, it's not supposed to. It's never supposed to . Well, it did. I know I made the rules, Faith. I know that. I know I said, casual, no strings, it's all good. We're just supposed to get each other through the night. Well, fuck me, I fucked up. I didn't figure I'd fall head over heels in love with you!"
Faith feels like the wind's been knocked out of her. She staggers back and sits down on an overturned trash can. She puts her face in her hands.
" God, is it that awful for you?" Willow looks at her. " It's hell for me. I didn't want this, I didn't expect this. I figured I could just get some touch, be ok, and move on. Find someone who loves me, wants me, needs me. But damn you, Faith Lehane, what have you done to me? I can't stop thinking about you. I feel like a junkie needing her fix when you're not around. God, I've never felt like this before. Even with Tara. That was so different from this. I don't want you, I crave you. The way you hold me, touch me, make me feel so … so… goddamn good. You're kisses light fires in me. And if that isn't bad enough, you do these incredible things to me and for me. Without me even asking, you start coming with me to see Tara. When I'm losing it, because I know I have to let her go, you hold me til the tears stop. You take me dancing, you take me to dinner, you make me the most romantic breakfast , you do so many goddamn things I can't count them. And you do them like they're nothing. But they're something. All of it, every bit of it is something. Something special. And I look at you, and I see you, and I know you want Buffy. Not me, Buffy. And I think about that, you being with her, the both of you so cute and in love and doing couple-y things together, and loving together and eating together and fighting together and I want to just die. Because it's not me. I want to be her so bad right now , to have you look at me the way you look at her…" Willow catches her breath. " You made fun of me back there with the thing about running away. But If you asked me, really asked me that, I'd do it. I'd give up everything I am, everything I know, everything, to be with you. I wouldn't care about anything except being with you. I'd be your slave, anything to be with you." Willow shakes her head. " What does that mean, what kind of person am I? Fuck I don't care, if it's with you!"
She walks away, leaning against the wall. All her passion is drained. She says, quietly, " It doesn't matter, though. Because you don't feel that way about me. You love Buffy, and that's that. So, you see, I can't stay here. I can't watch you and Buffy be together. I can't do it, Faith. I can't die by inches. And that's what would happen. I'd die. I gotta go, I gotta get away from you. Try to forget you. Don't you see? Can't you understand that?"
She waits for an answer. Getting none, she pushes off the wall.
" I guess not." She starts to walk away. She stops. " Look, I can't be near you anymore, ok? I don't want you to come back to my place tonight. Come tomorrow, when I'm at work, get your stuff. Leave the key on the kitchen table. I can't … just don't let me see you." She starts to walk away, and stops when she hears laughter. It's a bitter laugh.
" What? She turns back, eyes brimming with tears. " This is funny? I amuse you? why're you laughing at me." She strides over to Faith, who's still has her face in her hands. " Look at me, damn you! How can you be so cruel to laugh at me?" She stares down at Faith.
When Faith looks up, Willow sees her eyes are wet with tears. Her face is so sad, it breaks Willow's heart.
" What?"
" It's true."
" I … what's true?" Willow looks confused.
" The vampire, what he said? What you asked? It's true." Faith looks forlorn. " It's not supposed to be like this. This isn't supposed to happen. It was all supposed to be casual, no one hurt. Well, guess what? You're not the only one hurting here. When you told me you were leaving, I thought a mule kicked me, it hurt so fucking bad." Faith stands up suddenly, almost ramming into Willow. She walks away from her, up the alley. She stops.
" I'm not like you, Red. Don't got the words to say what I'm feeling. All I know is what I'm feeling, and I hate it and love it at the same time. It's not supposed to be like this. Even a dummy like me knows I'm not supposed to feel like this about you, not when I feel like this about Buffy too." She turns to Willow. " You got it rough, sure, but what about me? I got two women I adore, and I can't have either of them. One wants to run away and leave me, and the other one probably will never come back to me. So, what the fuck do I get? Just twice the pain," Faith kicks a trash can, sending it flying into a wall.
" God, all I wanted was someone to love me. Love me so I could love them. Is that so fucking horrible? And then I fell for Buffy, and I'm hoping she fell for me, and I thought great, this is exactly what I want. And she's got to go nuts on me, right? Ok fuck me that's selfish, but it's what happened. I know she's suffering, but dammit so was I! So I took a little comfort from you thinking hey, what can it hurt? We give each other a happy . At the end, we walk away. Boom. Easy.
" But then you gotta be you, right? Amazing, wonderful, sexy god you make me crazy you! I'm with you, and each time it's like new. I keep peeling layers of you back and damn , there's more there to see. And I know I'm not supposed to, but I fall for you. Because … shit, how do you explain falling in love, for god's sake? I just did, dammit. And I hate it, because I love Buffy, and feel like a creep. And I love it, because … well, there you are!" Faith sits down heavily, as if her knees were cut out from under her. " I can't figure it, I don't know what to do. I only know, it's real, and I'm stuck. I'm in love with both of you. I love you, and I love her. This isn't supposed to happen. It's supposed to be ' get in, get some, and get out.' Damn it, now I don't want to get out! " She sits staring at her hands. " I don't know what to do. I'm so confused, and I'm in so much trouble."
Willow stands looking at her, tears rolling down her cheeks. She walks, she stumbles over to Faith, and sits next to her. She puts an arm around her, and leans her head on her shoulder.
" Not just you, honey, not just you, " Willow says, sounding hopeless.." It's we, we're both in trouble."
They sit there for awhile. Not speaking. Not having to.
"What do we do now?" Faith finally breaks the silence." You're the smart one. What happens now?"
Willow says the words that break both their hearts.
" I have to leave. And you have to let me go."
" I don't want to." Faith feels her heart start to crack.
" I don't want to, either, Faith, " Willow's heart cracks right along. " But you know we have to."
The look at each other, and kiss. It's a soft gentle touch of the lips. Nothing more.
Willow stands up, looking down at Faith. She has a thousand, no, a million things she wants to say to her. But finally, she just says the two cruelest words in the world.
" Goodbye, Faith." Willow says. She turns and walks away.
Faith is silent. She watches her go, until she can't see her anymore. Then she just hauls herself up, and walks.
Goodbye, Red. She thinks as she walks into the night.
To be continued.