Chapter five: Silent pain, part two
Spring advanced and the days got longer and hotter. All trees were green all over Japan now and all flowers stood in blossom. Birds sang happily and the sun shone from an endless sky. As always life was busy in the city of Tokyo. It was late afternoon and most people walked around hectically. Some came back from work some went to work. Some simply passed from one work the another. However, other people seemed to have time. They roamed along the small shops and looked into the windows. Or they ate in romantic restaurants. Some of them were tourists, some of them were pensioner and some were teenagers who didn't have school today.
"You've spent all your money on that silly toy! I am not stupid! I won't invite you to an ice cream!" shouted a girl and her long dark hair flew behind her as she chased another girl with two blond plaids. "And now gimme me back my bag!"
"But you promised me yesterday to give me an ice cream!" responded the blonde but didn't stop her run.
"That was before you ruined my red skirt!"
"But it was just coke and it wasn't my fault. I couldn't see the root."
"You couldn't! Open your eyes, you blind, stupid..."
"AH!" The blonde raised her arms in protection but it was too late. She couldn't stop anymore. With a high scream she crashed into the girl who sat near a shop window and looked at the jewellery inside. The blonde landed on the other girl's lap and the wheelchair started to move. The street was steep and slowly they both rolled backwards. Quickly they gained speed and Michiru tried to catch the wheels in time, before it got dangerous. However, the blonde did hinder her and so she couldn't stop that damn vehicle.
"You jerk!" The dark haired girl shouted and tried to follow them. But she wasn't fast enough. A tall girl with long brown hair and a different school uniform overtook her and was some seconds later by the wheelchair's side. Her strong hands grabbed the handlebars and with all her powers she forced the wheelchair to stop.
"That was tight!" she declared and took a deep breath.
"You baka! You idiot!" The black haired girl soon reached the wheelchair and looked very angry down at the shocked blonde. Her big blue eyes filled quickly with tears and she started afraid to sob.
"Gomen." Another girl came to them and bowed politely. Her shoulder long blue hair covered her face, but Michiru could see that she felt really ashamed. Her skin was redden.
"Gomen!" The other two bowed, too, only the blonde forgot where she was and didn't even try to get up from her lap. She simply sat there, crying in silence.
"Hey, stop crying, you baka! All you cause is chaos!" The dark haired girl grabbed the blonde and shook her head in disbelieve. "Do you know what could have happened to you and her!"
"Gomen..." whispered the blonde and cried even more.
Michiru raised her head and recognized the four girls standing around her. She recalled a cold winter's day with a snow battle when those girls brought a shinning light into her dark life.
"Ami was right. You're always so crazy, like you had been in the winter." Said Michiru and helped the blonde from her lap. She giggled as she saw that the others recognized her, too. Ami blushed even more and the black haired girl, Michiru remembered her being called Rei, looked even angrier. Usagi, the clumsy creature, cried even more. She went on her knees and grabbed Rei's red skirt to dry her face. Rei started to argue again as she heard the blowing noise from the younger girl's nose and their own personal chaos was perfect again.
"You baka! First you splash it with coke and now with your bloody... Oh, you disgusting little..."
"But, Rei... waahhhh!"
Makoto saved the moment when she stepped protectively between the two.
"May we invite you to an ice cream?" asked Ami and bowed before the giggling Michiru. Her face was still red, but a honest smile was on her lips.
"An ice cream?" asked Usagi and suddenly forgot to cry. "I wanna one, too."
"But you don't have the money for it." Reminded her Rei and Usagi immediately started to cry again.
"You're so..."
"It would be an honour for me." Responded Michiru and giggled again. "When I am allowed to invite this nice girl to an ice cream, too." The young violinist giggled more as Usagi rose from the ground, came over to her and wrapped her arms around her chest.
"She's a friend." She declared and the tears dried quickly on her now smiling face. Challenging she looked at Rei who only took a deep breath. "She's so much nicer to me than you are!"
At that moment Rei screamed again and the two girls chased each other again. Ami blushed again while Makoto wordlessly shook her head in disbelieve.
"They're so terrible." She declared after a moment of embarrassed silence and sighed worn-out.
"But you like them." It wasn't a real question. Michiru knew that the tall girl did and she understood why. Maybe the girls argued quite a lot, but they were the deepest friends. They were there when they were needed.
"Hai." Sighed Makoto, but her smile betrayed her feelings.
"What are you waiting for?" Ami put her book in her bag. "If we don't hurry they'll both eat the ice cream all alone."
Michiru and Makoto giggled happily and the three followed the other two.
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Her face got more and more worried with every minute. She had wanted to meet her girlfriend near the huge park at six and now it was almost seven and there was still no sign of her.
I've been late, too.
Haruka clenched her fists while she walked along the street near the park. She didn't look at the small shop windows as she walked faster every minute, almost breaking into a sprint. She had been at the meeting point at half past six. The car hadn't been ready when she wanted to fetch it and therefore she had to wait until the mechanics finished, because she needed the car today.
"And then Usagi stumbled over her own feet and fell into the water. It was in the middle of February and it was very cold. Can you believe how loud she screamed?"
"It's unbelievable that I am not deaf now."
"That sounds as if it was great fun for me!"
Haruka stopped as she heard the exited voices. She looked around and saw her girlfriend sitting on a big table outside an Italian restaurant. Soft wind played with her sea green hair and she wore the dark red summer dress she had bought one week ago.
She's so beautiful!
Haruka stepped nearer and didn't even notice the four girls sitting at the table, too. Nor did she notice the other girl who had followed her since she had left her car.
She's always beautiful, my Michi-chan.
Haruka embraced her girlfriend from behind and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. She felt how Michiru winced in surprise and giggled then. The young racer took a small box out of her blue jeans and held it up so that Michiru could see it.
"Happy birthday, Michi-chan." She whispered and looked into surprised blue eyes.
"Did anyone say birthday?" shouted a blond girl from behind and stepped next to Michiru. Her long hair covered her back and her light eyes sparkled. "Do you have birthday today?" she asked and it looked as if tiny hearts danced in her shinning eyes. Her face lit up in excitement. Ami blushed again, but Usagi only giggled while Minako raised one hand and pointed up to the cloudless sky above. "Let's party!" she shouted and no one doubted that she would organise a great party.
"What is it?" Curiously Usagi leaned forward and ignored the warning looks of Rei although the black haired girl glanced at the box very curiously, as well. While Minako ran through the Italian restaurant to organise a great Happy Birthday Dinner Michiru unwrapped the tiny box. Her heart beat increased as she opened it and automatically she held her breath as she saw the wonderful ear rings. The silver sparkled in the sunlight. Little diamonds formed tiny fishes. Happily they seemed to swim through deep water. Happily and free. Their eyes were made of rubies and it seemed as if they looked understandingly up at her. Michiru raised her head and the fishes started to dance through the air. Each one was connected to a tiny chain which leaded to the plug that was another white jewel. It sparkled in all lights of the rainbow.
"Arigato, Ruka." Whispered Michiru and suddenly tears filled her eyes. She was not only grateful for the wonderful present. She was also touched that her girlfriend remembered her birthday. Actually Michiru only mentioned it by the way two years ago. After the accident she wanted to forget about it, because she knew that she would never be able to celebrate it with her parents again. But Haruka remembered it and together with those nice girls her birthday became something special again.
It seemed as if Haruka wanted to say something more, but she was interrupted by Usagi who rose from her chair and looked curiously at the ear rings.
"They are so beautiful!" she shouted and her big eyes stared at the sparkling diamonds. "I wish I had such a nice boyfriend who would give me such nice presents for my birthday!" dreamed the blonde and her face got angry again when she heard Rei's cold voice: "There's no boy who would ever survive your clumsy character!"
"But one day I'll be a fantastic bride and then we will live together for all times. And I wanna have a daughter."
"But before that you should finish school." Warned Ami and looked up from her book. She obviously forgot her learning during the next few minutes and stared at the ear rings, too.
"And don't think we're going to baby-sit your daughter!" answered Rei and Usagi looked even more hurt.
"But she will be a nice child. Just like me."
"Hai, that's what I was afraid of."
"Oh, Rei!"
"Oh, baka!"
Again they argued and Makoto laughed happily about them. Then she joined Minako and helped her to set the dinner on the table. Haruka took one chair and sat down next to her girlfriend.
"Happy birthday to you..." started the girls to sing as Makoto put down the huge cake. It was covered with several burning candles. There were too less of them, but it didn't matter.
"Is that for me?" asked Michiru and two tears ran down her redden cheeks as she watched the singing and laughing girls around the table.
Haruka looked at her Michiru and smiled as the girl leaned forward in her wheelchair and blew the candles out with one big breath. The girls cheered and then they began to eat.
It's so good that she's not so sad anymore.
The young racer watched the other girls, then she took herself a tiny piece of the cake. She wasn't very hungry, but she knew it would have been impolite not the eat the birthday cake the others had organised.
It's so good that she sees that there are other girls who like her the way she is. Who accept her without any consequences. Who simply take her into her community. Her. And me, too...
Minako put a CD player, no one knew where she suddenly got it from, on the next table and loud music started to fill the air around the restaurant.
"Let's party" she screamed and danced happily around the table.
And a great party they had.
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"There's another present I wanna give to you." Declared Haruka as they entered the parking space near the park. The other girls went home and it was very late now. It was Friday and so they didn't have to worry much about what their parents would say to them about being home so late.
"More presents? I guess I can't carry any more." Laughed Michiru and pointed at the several gifts down in her lap. The girls got them from somewhere. Time by time one girl disappeared and came back after twenty minutes with a small present. She got a book about Shakespeare, a necklace that was a strong talisman which should protect her against all bad forces in this world, a big teddy bear, a CD of the newest boy group and a self made bread that smelled delicious.
And my ear rings...
Haruka put the presents into a bag and put it carefully on the back seat. Then she opened the door and took Michiru into her strong arms.
"Hey, I can do this by myself." Protested the young violinist and shook her head. "And you use the wrong side!" Her deep blue eyes grew wide as she was sat down on the driver's seat. There were different apparatuses around her she didn't know. Haruka had driven the car for so many months now but Michiru was sure that she had never seen one of the switches before.
"What..." she whispered as Haruka sat down next to her and reached for the safety belt.
"You'll drive." Declared the young racer simply and smiled as she saw the still confused look on her girlfriend's face. "This switcher's for the gas, this one is the break. You don't have to use a clutch, this car has automatic. You only turn the key around, then you push the switcher from you and you drive. If you wanna break then pull it to your body. The rest of the car is handled with the steering wheel and the several buttons around."
"But..." whispered Michiru and her trembling hand touched the switcher. She pushed it and could see how the accelerator next to her weak legs moved. Then she pulled the switcher and the brake moved.
"Hey, you're fifteen now, soon you'll be allowed to drive a car and I wanna you to drive already perfectly before you start learning in it such a damn school where the teachers or the examiner are prejudiced." Declared Haruka and gave her the car keys.
"Just some circles on the parking space. So that you can get used to the feeling. Here nothing will happen and at this time no one is here who could hinder you." Calmed Haruka her girlfriend down and Michiru turned the key with trembling hands. The engine started and it sounded like the purring of a wild cat. Slowly Michiru pushed the switcher and the car slowly started to roll. She moved the steering wheel and the car turned to the right.
"I am driving!" shouted Michiru exited and she pushed the switcher a little bit more. The car got faster and at the next corner she braked carefully. She could hear the automatic work. Slowly she drove back to the starting point and turned the keys again. The engine died away and with a sudden it was very silent on the parking space.
"And you told me that something was broken!" she scolded Haruka softly and the taller girl shrugged her shoulders.
"What else should I have told you? That I am going to rebuilt this car so that we both can drive it?"
Michiru smiled, then she leaned over and gave her girlfriend a quick kiss.
"Arigato, Ruka." She whispered and looked deep into dark green eyes. Haruka blushed slightly and smiled tenderly.
"It was your first birthday without your parents. I wanted it to be something special." whispered the young racer and kissed her girlfriend back. It was a light, soft touch. Michiru raised one hand and ran it through Haruka's short blond hair. Soon it looked messed and the young violinist giggled.
"It was, Ruka. 'Cause it was my first birthday with you."
Haruka reached for her and pulled her girlfriend over on her lap. Then she embraced her and kissed her tenderly. That kiss lasted longer then the first one and Michiru giggled as it slowly ended.
"I love you too, Ruka."
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It was late in the evening when she returned to their apartment. Haruka yawned and put her sports bag down on the ground. The training for the summer's competition lasted very long and it took her a long time to get everything ready for the next day. She hoped that her girlfriend didn't ask for more explanations, because it should be a surprise.
Haruka entered the kitchen and saw her dinner on the table. It was covered with a plate and the young racer could smell that it was steak and potatoes. She sighed and drank instead the rest of the cooled coke. She had been hungry some hours ago but now she was only tired. The last night she didn't sleep well and there were strange nightmares that had hunted her until dawn. At school they wrote a bloody French test and after school there was the training. For the first time it had been really exhausting for her. She didn't let the others see it, but her legs trembled when it was over and she climbed into her car.
Maybe it had been too hot.
Haruka put her dinner back into the fridge and went over to the bathroom. Quickly she took a shower and changed into her wide shirt she misused for a nightgown. Slowly she sneaked through the corridor over to her bedroom and hesitated. The door to Michiru's room wasn't closed and she could hear the boys singing sweet love songs. It was the CD the young violinist got from Minako for her birthday. Longingly Haruka looked into the darkness of her girlfriend's room and stepped some inches nearer before she stopped herself.
"Ruka?" she heard suddenly the sleepy voice and entered Michiru's room slowly. She could see her girlfriend laying under a thin blanket. The window was wide open and the stars sparkled on a cloudless sky. The music died away and Michiru put away the remote control.
Did she wait for me?
Haruka swallowed hard and stood still hesitating in the middle of the room. There was the wheelchair on the other side of the bed and there were Michiru's clothes on the desk. Michiru lifted her blanket and smiled tiredly up to the taller girl.
"Come in, Ruka." She invited her girlfriend in and wrapped her arm with the blanket around Haruka's suddenly freezing body. It was still very warm, but she hadn't slept enough the last nights.
"Gomen, I am so late. But the training lasted very long."
"There's no need to excuse." Michiru pulled herself closer, leaned her head against Haruka's strong shoulder and closed her eyes. She sighed deeply and settled slowly into sleep. "Just get some sleep and tomorrow we'll have a proper breakfast."
Haruka frowned, then her tiredness took over. She felt Michiru's warm body beside her and suddenly she felt safe and secure.
Wanted. Needed. Loved.
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They drove almost two hours on the highway near the sea. First Michiru asked a lot and was very curious about their one day trip, but Haruka kept stubbornly silent. She said that it was a surprise for her and she wouldn't betray anything. So the young violinist listened to the radio, looked at the wide ocean and wondered where they were going to.
"There we are." Said Haruka after they entered the parking space of a great arena. Michiru frowned and got into the wheelchair her girlfriend took out of the boot. It was another warm day of a nice summer and today she wore a white skirt covered with flowers. Her summer hat covered only partly her long sea green hair. Haruka wore her short blue jeans and a black t-shirt, as always. Now with her sunglasses and her black cap Haruka looked again like a real tomboy.
I love this tomboy.
Michiru smiled and rolled next to her young racer as they slowly entered the arena.
"Haruka?" shouted an old man in disbelieve and the spanner landed loudly on the dirty ground. He ran over to the tall girl and embraced her before she could react. "I didn't know if you'd really come. After all that happened. After all those months..." declared the old mechanic and looked first at Haruka and then at the girl sitting in a wheelchair.
"May I introduce? Michiru, that's Ochi Yamado, my old mechanic and one of my best friends at the race track. Yamado, that's Kaioh Michiru. She's my girlfriend." Added Haruka after some seconds of hesitation and blushed behind her sunglasses. She wasn't ashamed of anything, she simply couldn't talk about her feelings so open. At least not as open as Michiru. And especially not as open as Usagi.
The old mechanic bowed before the handicapped girl and smiled friendly down at her.
"So you're the one who saved my charge's life." He said after Haruka had entered the box. Michiru could hear her inside, but it was too dark than she could have seen what her girlfriend was actually doing. The young violinist frowned as she heard the strange words but the old man smiled so friendly that she couldn't be afraid of him.
"Keep an eye on her, Miss Kaioh. Haruka would never admit it, but she needs lots of love. She simply needs the feeling of being wanted. Then she would walk through hell with you." The old mechanic observed the wheelchair for some seconds, then he nodded thoughtfully. "She already did, didn't she?"
"Hai." Michiru sighed, then she cheered up. "Don't worry, Ochi-san. I love Haruka. I am not going to leave her if it's my will." She pointed at the chair she was sitting in. "But we can't determine our lives."
"But we can give them a direction and never lose the hope for a good future." Declared Yamado. At that moment Haruka stepped out of the box into the shinning sun. She made a face as she pushed the heavy Suzuki.
"I almost forgot how heavy she was!"
Michiru stared at the motorbike with big blue eyes.
"But I thought you've sold it."
"Hai, I sold it to Yamado. I would never give her in the hands of strangers." Haruka picked up one of the two helmets from the bike's seat and walked over to Michiru. She gave the helmet into Michiru's icy hands and looked deep into confused blue eyes.
"I wanna go for a ride. Do you wanna join me?" she asked and smiled confidently as Michiru stared in disbelieve at the Suzuki and than at her girlfriend. All she was able to do was nod although she didn't know how it should be possible. Her legs were paralysed. However, after the past weeks she realized that a lot was possible if she only wanted it to be.
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The wind played with her summer skirt and her sea green hair blew behind her under the helmet. She had wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist. A special construction helped her to stay on the motorbike. Haruka didn't drive very fast, but it was an incredible feeling to drive with her along the beach. The endless sea shimmered next to them in the bright summer's sun. Sea birds cried above and it was such a lovely day that Michiru automatically had to laugh.
That drive reminded her on her first meeting with her Ruka. They drove together almost all day long, spent the evening in a nice café and the half of the night at the beach. They hardly talked to another the first days. They simply sat there, holding each other's hand or looking each other deep into the eyes. They didn't need many words. They already knew about their feelings.
Michiru let go off of her girlfriend and spread her arms to feel the wild wind around her and to hear the steady rushes of the wide ocean.
Here she didn't feel handicapped any longer. Here she wasn't a cripple any longer. Here she was wanted. Needed. Loved.
Free.
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Michiru sighed as she opened the fridge to prepare their dinner. She didn't know when Haruka would return from her training. It had lasted very long the last evenings and some girls complained already that it was slavery what they did to their boyfriends. However, Mugen Gakkuen wanted to win the competitions and therefeore the pupils trained very hard.
Again she didn't eat her dinner yesterday.
Michiru sighed again. She didn't even know if Haruka ate anything for lunch, because her drawing club had started earlier the past week and the mornings had been too busy – as always – as that she could have watched her girlfriend eat. The young violinist shivered as she thought of Haruka's skinny body in the bathroom, but she actually didn't have the time to talk to her about it. There was a lot of training and after it Haruka was mostly too tired to talk. And when they had a day free Haruka surprised her and let her secret wishes come true. Then Michiru didn't want to ruin the day and decided to talk to her girlfriend the next day. And during the next day she didn't find any opportunity, because there was again school, tests and training.
Last weekend they went together to a quiet place near the sea and Haruka went swimming with her. It was the first time after the accident that Michiru swam in the ocean and she realized how much she had missed it. It was a perfect weekend. And a busy week followed. Now it was already Friday again and Michiru didn't know what Haruka had planned for the next weekend. But this time, she was sure, she would talk seriously to her girlfriend. Even if it would ruin the nice weekend.
Michiru prepared the salad, then she rolled over into her room. It was seven o'clock and she would wait for another hour until she would eat something and slowly get ready for bed. Thoughtfully she took the violin in her hands and closed her eyes. The music evolved in her head and she simply played it. After she swam in the swimming pool she had to play again. She pulled her violin out of the wardrobe where it had been well hidden the past months and started to play again. When Haruka had time she came to her and simply listened to her. She could do it for hours and never the tall girl looked bored. Just once she fell asleep, but it had been a very busy day and Michiru played a very slowly and very quiet melody.
"Michiru?"
The young violinist winced as someone touched slightly her shoulder. She looked up and saw a pale Rumiko standing next to her. Her eyes looked worried and Michiru laid the instrument carefully aside.
"I didn't hear you come. What's up?" she asked alarmed, because she didn't know how the girl got into her apartment. Nor did she like the concerned look in her friend's eyes.
"Haruka broke down during the training. She almost fainted and didn't move for some minutes. The doctor couldn't find anything. He just says she's too tired. Maybe she didn't find enough sleep. There're the tests in some months and then these silly competitions. All pupils say that the sports club is working too hard but no one listens to us. The teacher and I brought her home. She's now in her room. I hope she'll be fine soon. The doc said we should let her sleep and she shouldn't take part at the training the next week." Rumiko sighed and shrugged helplessly her shoulders. No one had ever seen strong Haruka weak. "Maybe it's the beginning of the summer flu. Half of the school's already ill and the first symptoms are as light as these. But the doc isn't sure. Next week we'll know more."
Michiru didn't say anything. She only nodded and grabbed her wheels hard with both hands.
But I am sure. She doesn't have a flu. And even if she has one of those terrible nightmares she gets enough sleep. And Haruka has never been worried about an exam.
"Arigato, Rumiko, for bringing her home." Said Michiru and didn't even notice that she called this apartment home, for the first time.
"You needn't thank me. You're so nice friends and I am really concerned when you're feeling ill. You've got my number. If anything's wrong or if you need any help, just call me."
"You're a good friend. Rumiko."
"I hope so." The girl laughed as she stepped out at the corridor. "Best wished to Haruka." Rumiko knew that Haruka was a girl and she knew that they both were in love with each other. But she stayed their loyal friend and left the rest of the pupils in the believe that Haruka was a boy. For her privacy was really important. Her father was a politician. She knew too well what happened if anyone broke the privacy and dragged it into the public. Families could be separated and whole lives could be destroyed with one single word.
"I do." Michiru waved shortly, then she closed the door. She took a deep breath and looked over to Haruka's room. The door was open and she could see the red light of the setting sun covering the white carpet. Slowly Michiru rolled over and entered her girlfriend's room. Haruka laid on her bed. Her hair was wet and she already wore her wide shirt. Her naked legs were barely covered with the thin blanket. She had spread her arms and stared stubbornly at the white ceiling. She breathed hard as if she had run a long way and suddenly she appeared to be very alone. Almost lost.
"Ruka?" Michiru rolled nearer and could see how the young racer blinked. As if she would awake from a deep dream. As Haruka turned her head and stared silently at her girlfriend the young violinist knew that it had been a really bad nightmare. "Do you want anything for dinner?"
Haruka shook her head, then she stared back at the ceiling.
"When did you eat your last proper meal?" asked Michiru quietly. Her voice didn't charge her. It didn't sound angry or disappointed. It simply sounded concerned. And understanding.
"I don't know." Whispered Haruka after a while Michiru waited patiently for an answer. Haruka kept staring on the ceiling and it didn't look as if she was going to do anything else for the rest of the night. Dark shadows under her eyes told Michiru that the young racer wouldn't find any sleep this night – as the last night, too.
"But you have to eat. Otherwise your body's going to be weaker with every week and breakdowns like today will be more often. Until you won't have any power at all. Do you really want to sit in such a bloody wheelchair, too, because your legs simply don't have the strength anymore to support your body, even if you weigh too less for your seize?" Michiru's voice was still very calm and so warm. She reached for Haruka's hand and the young racer could feel tears burning in her eyes. "If you don't change your way of life, you'll starve to death, Ruka. And I don't wanna lose you. You're the most important person in my life. What shall I do without you?"
Haruka swallowed hard and closed her eyes.
"But I don't wanna have this body. When I eat I am thicker and I have more female outlines. Then my breasts are bigger and it's harder to hide them any longer. And when I start eating again I'll have my period again."
Michiru kept silent. Shocked that she didn't see how much Haruka had suffered during the past weeks. Okay, she noticed that the young racer wasn't very happy about her period, but she had never thought that she would start to starve herself only to get rid of it.
"How much weight did you loose since January?" she asked very silently and held the suddenly ice cold hand tighter.
"About twenty pound. Or twenty five. I don't know." Haruka sighed worn-out and tears burned behind her lashes. But she didn't allow them to fall. She heard how Michiru gasped for breath, but she felt so tired that she didn't even think of running away.
I was so blind. Me and my bloody self pity!
Michiru clenched her fists around her girlfriend's hand and lowered her head. Her sea green hair fell over her shoulders and her pale face disappeared into shadows. "Why?" was all she asked.
"Because my father always wanted a boy who could inherit the family's tradition and honour. After my birth my mother became very ill and wasn't allowed to have any more babies. It was a wonder that she survived all those years and finally died on Christmas when I was five years old. After that day my father raised me like a boy. I should fulfil his dream of being the best motorbike racer in Japan, guess even in the whole world. Often he called me his good boy and introduced me to other persons as his son. First it didn't matter to me. But when I got older I realized that he only loved me when he thought of me as a boy. Guess he finally noticed that I am a girl when I met you, Michi-chan. I fell in love with you and wanted you to be my girlfriend. My father became crazy and took me home, and he never gave me the chance again to escape. He beat me for more than just one time when I couldn't reach his dream. And more than once he beat me because I am a girl. I started to hate my body and it got worse when I grew up. Those silly things..." she pointed with her free hand at her breasts under the wide cloth and sighed. "They grew, too. I don't need them. I'll never feed a child with them, because I'll never have an own child. I would be a terrible mother and after all I'll never sleep with a boy." She sighed and it sounded very tired. "And then I got my first period. The pain didn't matter that much, but I hated the idea that I was now able to get an own child and... hell, I was so ashamed of it, Michi-chan!" Haruka pulled her free arm over her face, but Michiru could see two tears running down her girlfriend's pale face.
"But that's all part of you."
"It isn't, Michi-chan. All at school think I am a boy. Remember Ayako's hateful looks when she got to know the truth about my gender."
Michiru looked silently at her girlfriend, then she let go of the now warm hand and leaned forward. Slowly she unbuttoned Haruka's wide shirt and tenderly caressed over Haruka's naked, skinny body.
"Believe me, it's all part of you. Your breasts..." she heard her girlfriend's gasp as she touched the sensitive skin. "... your female outlines..." she caressed her girlfriend's hips. "... and your period as well." Haruka took her arm away, but she didn't defend herself. She simply stared at Michiru and tears were shimmering in her dark green eyes. Suddenly she looked weak and helpless. The young violinist had never seen her that way before and it almost made her heart break.
"You're a girl, Ruka. You won't change your gender just by stopping to eat. That will lead you to nothing, only to death some day. Sooner than later." Michiru swallowed hard and touched the ribs under the thin skin. "You don't have to be a boy, Haruka. I love you the way you are. I love you being a girl. I love your character, but I also love your body." Michiru whispered and tears burned in her eyes, too. "And you're very attractive, Ruka." The young violinist smiled a sad smile. "Please don't leave me, Ruka. I need you." Michiru's voice shook and broke with the last whisper: "I love you so much, Ruka." Then she buried her burning face at her girlfriend's slim belly and started desperately to sob. Haruka laid there motionless and listened to her for some moments.
What have I done?
As to so many questions she couldn't find an answer.
After a long moment she could free herself out of her trance. She reached for her Michi-chan and pulled her out of the wheelchair. She held her tight with the rest of her strength and searched for her mouth. The kiss was full of desperate passion and it tasted salty. Both of their cheeks were wet as they finally parted. Haruka held her girlfriend so tight as if she didn't ever wanted to let her go. And Michiru didn't want to leave this bed either.
"It sounds so simple when you talk this way." whispered Haruka hoarsely after a while in which they simply held each other tight. "But I fear it isn't as simply as that."
Michiru looked up to her and gave her another sweet kiss. Then she pointed at her weak, useless legs and at the wheelchair beside the bed.
"We went more than once through hell and survived it every time. Why shouldn't we handle this situation, too?" she asked and wiped tenderly away Haruka's tears. "You showed me with your love that I am not a bloody cripple. Why can't I show you with my love that you're the most beautiful and most attractive girl I've ever seen?"
"I am not sure if I can believe it."
Michiru smiled an understanding smile and stroked through short blond hair.
"I know it's hard to believe in anything when you're down. When you dig in the dirt and can't see any light in your bloody dark life. But one thing is for sure: I'll never let you down, Ruka. I'll never let you go. You promised me never to leave me. I never promised anything but you should know that I would never leave you alone. As long as I live."
Haruka smiled though her tears and kissed her girlfriend again.
Those words were indeed something she was able to believe in.
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"It's another nice Saturday. I called Rumiko and she wants to join us if we want to go to the beach." Declared Michiru as Haruka entered the kitchen. It was noon but Haruka still wore her wide shirt. Her hair was messed and she still looked very tired. The young violinist smiled as Haruka yawned and sat down on the table. She loved those private moments. They told her that her Ruka trusted her. That they were kind of a small family...
"Sure. Everything is fine." Whispered Haruka and almost fell into sleep again as Michiru set the table. It smelled delicious and suddenly Haruka asked herself when she enjoyed the last time one of her girlfriend's meals. In the evenings she only pushed them back into the fridge and at the past weekends they had been too busy.
"What are you cooking?"
"Okonomiyaki." said Michiru and giggled proudly as she saw how Haruka looked up in surprise. Her dark green eyes were still sleepy.
"You're lucky that I didn't try it. It sounds very complicate. And it sounds as if it could burn easily."
"Oh, it's easy – if you're able to handle the cooker."
"I am a lousy housewife."
"You have other qualities."
Haruka had the politeness to blush.
"Dinner's ready." Michiru looked into the oven while Haruka opened the water bottle. "Do you want anything?" The young car racer raised her head as she heard her girlfriend's suddenly very uncertain voice. Haruka took a deep breath. Then she looked at the delicious smelling okonomyaki and her belly started to protest that she couldn't waste it.
The young car racer tried hard to ignore the memory of her body in the bathroom's mirror. Then she thought of her Michi-chan who obviously loved the body she hated so much.
Haruka looked at the dinner again and into deep blue eyes. Then she lowered her head and nodded.
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