Here we go. Please bear in mind (if you find yourself mentioned) that I don't really know any of you so don't expect to be totally yourselves, okay?I do my best though. Please enjoy!
The secretary who had been left in temporary charge of the first team, clutched her clipboard and approached the three Agents, who were chatting eagerly amongst themselves, and being stared at enviously by everyone else. They appeared normal enough, but they weren't members of PHAN for nothing. The words "Approach with Caution", would have been appropriate.
"Erm… can I have your names please?"
The three saluted simultaneously.
"Rikku Ree, Team Leader!" said the first one promptly.
"Yami369!"
"ThePenguinAteMyHomework!"
The secretary nodded. At least they're enthusiastic, she thought to herself, and then realised that this was not necessarily a good thing (especially for Erik). "Okay… you know what you've got to do?"
"Yes!"
"You've got all your personal supplies?"
"Yes!"
The secretary winced. These three were a little too synchronised in their crazy, obsessive enthusiasm. She wondered what they would do to the Phantom when they found him… or what the Phantom might be forced to do to them. In fact… it had been a major problem with the department, who understood the risks of sending obsessed PHANS to collect the emotionally-unstable, potentially violent man they all loved so much… but were worried about the potential legal costs to families and loves ones.
They had eventually solved the problem with the statement: "Hey, they all WANT to do this."
"Okay… can you all follow me to the time-machine."
"How exactly does this work?" Rikku Ree asked as the walked down the hall. "We're going into a movie, aren't we?"
"A movie reality…" the secretary explained. "But you still have to go back in time. We just program it to time travel and jump realities at the same time."
"So…let me get this straight. We're going to be getting in a time-travelling, dimension-hopping, entering-movie reality machine to fetch the movie version of Phantom of the Opera?"
"That's right."
"Oh… cool!"
"Do we get phaser guns too?" Yami asked.
"You're going into the past, not the future!"
"Fair enough. But how are we going to explain a huge bit of 21st century technology suddenly appearing in the middle of 19th century Paris?"
The secretary sighed. "The machine has a cloaking device so all you have to do is press a button and it'll automatically transform itself into a basket of roses."
The three Agents frowned. "Why a basket of roses?"
There was a pause. "Because we… like roses."
And that was the end of that discussion.
At the end of a long corridor the three Agents were directed into a small changing room, where they were instructed to put on one of the costumes laid out. The secretary left them to it, only to return 10 seconds later to prevent a fight over who was going to have the nicest dress. When they finally, and in some cases sulkily, stood in their period outfits, they were ushered into the next room to collect bags, which contained their provisions.
"Now… let's get you on your way."
And so they were led to the time machine. The door opened (appropriately in slow-motion) to reveal their transport. It had an eerily familiar look to it, and was a lot smaller than the grand slow-motion door-opening had indicated. Some one had also draped a "We Love Gerry Phantom!" sign over it, which two scientist were arguing over the practicality of.
The machine was really familiar-looking…
"Alright, in you get."
They got in, with a great deal of pushing and shoving. The bustles on the backs of their dresses didn't do much to help, and it was quite a squish to get inside the pod. But they managed it finally, and the door shut behind them. Over a little speaker set into the wall, they heard the secretary still talking to them.
"Now, when you want to come home, just press the 'RETURN' button on the keypad. It's programmed to come right back here when you're finished, so it should work fine."
All three Agents duly noted the use of the word 'should', and the atmosphere in the little pod grew a little tenser. "Did it just occur to anyone to ask if they've tested this thing?" Yami asked suddenly. She looked at the other two. Rikku looked decidedly uncomfortable. Penguin merely looked thoughtful. The familiarity of the machine was bugging her.
Bugging…
A countdown had begun outside.
"Five."
"Has anyone ever seen that film?" Penguin asked.
"Four."
"What film?"
"Three."
"The Fly?"
"Two."
Silence.
"One."
The sound that the time-machine made (if you were able to hear it over the screams of the Agents) should have been something terribly impressive, ideally accompanied by a spectacular light show as it was sucked into the time-stream. Unfortunately, budget cuts had taken effect here as well, and the sound it made was actually ripped from a mobile phone owned by one of the scientists.
The time-machine hurtled into the past, to the tune of "The Entertainer."
They arrived with a stomach-lurching jolt, which made all Three of the Agents glad they had been too excited to eat before they left. They felt dizzy enough as it was. They had peered out the tiny window of the pod and caught a glimpse of the mutli-coloured time-vortex, which had about as much order to it as a herd of elephants having a party in a paint shop.
"Are we there?" Penguin asked finally, looking a little pale.
"More importantly… do we still look human?"
"Don't be stupid… you'd change gradually, like in the movie."
"Will you stop talking about that movie! You're freaking me out."
"Sorry."
"Open the door… they didn't put air-conditioning in here."
The door slid open with a hiss and the three Agents gradually negotiated themselves and their dresses out into the open. It was dark, and they were very clearly not where they had set off from. There was a distinct scent in the air.
Yami smiled. "I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." The other two glared at her, and she shrugged. "Oh come on… someone had to say it."
Shaking her head, Rikku stepped forward and down the alley. She was trying to think of where they had ended up. There was a soft sound, behind her.
"Oh, horse shit."
Rikku turned round and looked at Penguin. "You can't talk like that here," she reminded her. "Women didn't say 'horse shit' in 19th century Paris."
"Not even when they stood in it?"
Finally Rikku noticed the small mound by Penguin's feet and made a face. At least that told them where they were – the stables behind the Opera house. Apparently they had landed in some little hidden alcove. Hidden enough for them not to bother cleaning it much. She stepped over a small pile of manure, hitching up her skirt in an instinctive show of daintiness.
"Well… at least we don't have to worry about asking for directions."
"Do you think… if we did… we'd have to ask in French?" Yami asked.
"Why? No one spoke French in the movie except when they said 'monsieur' and 'mademoiselle', and that really doesn't count."
"That's convenient."
Without another thought and an eager glance at each other, they set off into the Opera House by the back entrance. It was a good thing they had done their field research (extensively so… they'd even watched the 'making of' feature on the DVD several times), because the place was huge and, although they didn't have a map, at least they could recognise certain areas. As they walked… they made a plan.
Well… they tried to.
"So… what's the plan?"
"Don't you have one?"
"I thought the Team Leader was supposed to come up with the plans?"
"Well… I suppose we could figure out what point in the movie we're at. Remember… we've got to get hold of Gerik before the end… which means we've got just over two hours."
"Don't we have months?" Yami asked. "Or don't we count the time in the film where we don't see what's happened?"
Rikku shrugged. "I don't know… we'll find out."
Once again, after deep contemplation, Penguin spoke up. "Does this mean we might get to find out what happened to Christine's stockings?"
The other two looked at her, until the meaning behind the words sank in and they brightened considerably at the idea. Many PHANS had wondered what happened to Christine's stockings between "Music of the Night" and "Stranger That You Dream It." "Yes!" Rikku exclaimed, clearly delighted. "Finally… we get to answer the question that's plagued PHANs ever since the movie came out. Even more important than the 'what was Christine thinking when she left Erik?' question."
"She wasn't thinking," Yami pointed out, demonstrating the view-point held by all true Erik-lovers.
"Well, that goes without saying."
"I just thought of something else."
Rikku and Yami turned to look at Penguin, whose thoughts so far had ranged from the insightful to the insane. Whatever she was about to say, it was bound to be interesting.
"You know this is a movie…"
They nodded.
"But it's also a musical…"
"Yeah?"
"So… does that mean we might start spontaneously bursting into song as well?" The other two Agents stared at her in mute horror. "I mean… it is a musical… it happens all the time."
"God I hope not," Rikku said with a shudder. "We'll just have to stop ourselves whenever we get the urge to… you know… burst into song."
"But how will we know?"
"Oh, the moment will just seize you… music is like that… music is like an eagle. It'll swoop down upon you and capture your heart. It'll pierce your soul like a feathery dart."
As you might have guessed, Rikku Ree, Team Leader of Operation: Gerik, has just been bitten by the musical bug. The moment that little speech began there was heard, from nowhere in particular, the sound of an orchestra and lots of violins striking up into a merry tune celebrating the wonder of music. It took her fellow Agents a few seconds to recover from the shock before they finally grabbed their leader and covered her mouth with their hands. The orchestra was abruptly silenced.
There was a long, uncomfortable pause, until they worked up the courage to let her speak.
"Did I really just… burst into song?"
They nodded.
"With a full orchestra backing me up?"
They nodded.
"Thank you for stopping me."
They released her, and made a solemn pledge that, if any of them even looked like they were going to burst into song, the other two would gag her for the rest of the mission. Then they set off again through the Opera House.
They all jumped simultaneously when they heard the sound of an orchestra, and looked accusingly at each other to see who was going to burst into song (or, worse, if it was going to be some kind of trio, with synchronised dancing). As it turned out, it was not them, but the actual Opera orchestra that was playing. And they recognised the tune.
"We made it in time for the gala performance then," Rikku noted.
"Ooh… wouldn't it be great if we could get her autograph?"
"Sod the autograph! I'm gonna try and get that dress off her! How much do you think it'd go for?"
Rikku held up her hands. "Guys! That is not why we're here! We need to find Erik."
They paused, and as they considered this matter, the strains of "Think of Me" rang out nearby. They knew that, at this point, Erik would be in the catacombs somewhere beneath the stage, listening to Christine sing, and so it was unanimously agreed that they should head down there as quickly as possible. The question was… how?
"Let's try and find her dressing room."
It took them awhile. The specifics of the room's whereabouts were a little sketchy. They guessed that it might be a good idea to simply look for the most expensive room in the place. It was only because Penguin caught sight of someone rushing off with a big basket of flowers that they actually found the room.
They slipped inside when no one was looking, but they were starting to panic. The performance had finished and they knew it was only a matter of time before Christine finished singing "Angel of Music" and showed up with Madame Giry.
There was a gasp.
"Look!" Yami exclaimed, momentarily distracted from the mission. She picked up a rose with a very distinctive black ribbon tied around it. The others crowded over to coo over the Phantom's present to Christine.
"Do you think we could…?" Penguin suggested wistfully.
It was certainly tempting. The rose would be a valuable addition to the Agency's Phantom Collection. It took them a good few minutes to summon up the willpower to say 'no, they were not allowed'. But they were all noticeably gloomier afterwards… despising the company policy of 'not messing with the natural course of things'.
Besides… maybe they could come back for it later.
Now the three of them approached the mirror. It looked like any other mirror, apart from its huge size. But they knew different, and began looking around the edges for some way to slide it across. The sounds outside the room were making them nervous… they didn't have much time left.
"Damnit!" Rikku cursed under her breath when they could still find nothing. "We're going to get caught."
"Wait, I've got an idea!"
With this, Yami rushed to the opposite side of the room, to the bewilderment of her fellows. It had suddenly occurred to her that this was, as Penguin had pointed out earlier, a movie… AND a musical on top of that. There were certain rules in movies and musicals which might bend reality just enough to be used to their advantage here.
As they watched her turn back to the mirror, the others saw Yami's expression go wide-eyed. Her mouth opened slightly and her head tilted. She began to walk forwards, moving as if someone had pressed 'slow-motion' on the remote-control of reality.
"I think she's lost it," Rikku said, eyeing the gormless expression warily, until quite suddenly she was interrupted by the sound of an orchestra (conveniently playing a variation of the "Angel of Music" theme) and the appearance of mist, which had begun to fill up from behind the mirror. As if under some silent command, the door began to slide open as Yami, still wearing that awe-struck heroine expression on her face, moved closer. By the time she had reached the mirror, it was fully open, and they could all step through.
"That was brilliant!" Penguin said as Yami returned to normal and they watched the mirror-door slide back in place. She gave a theatrical curtsey and grinned.
"Thank you… I'm here all week!"
At that exact moment, they saw Madame Giry enter with Christine. They watched enviously as Christine was handed the rose they had just been eyeing. Rikku stuck her tongue out in frustration.
"Lucky cow," she muttered.
"I just thought…" Penguin began. Then she stopped and, under the gaze of the other two, shook her head. "Never mind."
What she'd been about to comment on (and wisely resisted) was why exactly the Phantom had decided to put in the two-way mirror in the Diva's dressing room long before Christine had ever used the room. How exactly had he been spying on before Christine showed up? It was a question they would rather not have thought about. The potential peeping-tom aspect of Erik's character was something studiously ignored by many PHANS.
They headed down, remembering the way as shown in the movie. Of course, their journey was far less dramatic, although some creepy music did play in the background as they walked. Their flashlights came in useful here, since none of the lanterns had been lit yet. But they weren't about to let that stop them and kept on going, whispering about the film as they went and relishing the fact that they were walking through it. They even found the horse, which was already tied up and ready to go for the big descent-into-the-lair sequence only a few minutes away. They fussed over it, and toyed with the idea of loosening the saddle so Christine would 'accidentally' fall off… before moving on.
"The boat!"
Yes… at last, they'd found the boat, floating on the mist-covered river that led to the lair. The yellow lantern swung gently from side to side as the water lapped at the sides, and cast eerie shadows down the dark tunnels. The thought of what lay beyond those passageways was just too inviting. They were all about to rush to get in the boat when Rikku stopped them.
"We can't take the boat. Erik and Christine need it."
"So what do we do? Swim?" Yami asked, pointing to the water. "In that?"
"Probably wade, really," Penguin commented, although she too was wrinkling her nose at the prospect. The water had a very dirty tinge to it, and she'd already suffered the indignity of standing in horse manure. "Erik's such a genius… you'd think he'd have a spare."
"Why? It's not like he's expecting us."
"Just in case?"
"In case what?" Rikku snapped. "He gets a couple of guests round for afternoon tea? He's the Phantom of the Opera, not some country lord."
"I'd love to live in a country house with Erik," Penguin said wistfully.
"Wouldn't we all? Come on… we've got to get to the lair, otherwise Erik and Christine are going to appear."
"Won't the entrance be locked? That big gate will be in front of it?" Yami pointed out.
"Then we'll just have to hide and sneak in when the boat does," Rikku said firmly. "There's no way I'm going to miss "Music of the Night"!"
Immediately, without any further discussion, they all jumped into the water and were wading through it. It was true… some things you just couldn't say no to, and they couldn't wait to get back and boast to the other Agents that they got to see Gerry Phantom in action. It was a good thing the water wasn't particularly deep, although they had to hoist their supplies over their heads to stop them getting wet.
"You sure you know the way?" Yami whispered to Rikku, who was leading the way. staring around at the eerie stone faces that gazed down at the three of them.
"Look… if the fop could find his way to the lair, so can we!"
That was true, and soon they found the lair and had huddled themselves, wet and shivering, into a dark corner nearby, to await the arrival of the little boat and its two occupants. The space was small, and they three Agents were squished together uncomfortably. Their excitement was not helping matters.
"Stop fidgeting!"
"Move your elbow!"
"Ow! That was my foot!"
Finally, they settled down, and there was silence, punctuated only by the typical, monotonous sound of dripping water (why there was only one drip in the entire place was a mystery, considering where they were, but it was a movie, after all). Yami sighed impatiently and bobbed up and down on the balls of her feet.
"Come on, Gerry…" she whispered under her breath.
And at that precise moment they hear what they had been waiting for in the distance. The rock and roll sound of the music and voices, and it took every ounce of inner strength for them not to squeal in unison.
"He's coming!"
"Ssh!"
In the distance, two voices were singing out, and, as they watched, the boat appeared from around the last bend in the underground river. There was Christine, sitting at the front and singing, but they weren't paying her the least bit of attention. They were only focused on the dark figure behind her, pushing the boat with a long black pole as he sang with the girl.
The three agents looked at each other, and grinned. Just as the boat came sweeping past them and into the lair they all, as one, sang very quietly along with the back-up voices:
"He's there… the Phantom of the Opera."
There you go. The first half of the first mission. I hope it was okay... and you found it funny. Please keep the reviews coming in so I know to keep going. Thank you!