AUTHOR: Akay
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, never will be
DISTRIBUTION: My site (link in bio) if you have anything of mine, then feel free. If not, please ask.
SUMMARY: Buffy's thoughts of her friends, Angel, and mainly Dawn towards the end of The Gift. (POV)
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Yeah up to The Gift
DEDICATION: To Cathy, because she loves angst as much as I do, and just because she's such a wonderful friend.
AN: Angsty
FEEDBACK: Please, I would love to know what you think
The window's wide open, and the curtains blow backwards and forwards. Their so inviting, that it's almost as if they're beckoning me to come and look, at least for one last time. But that's not necessary, I can see well enough from where I am, sitting on the edge of my bed.
The stars shine so brightly, like a million tiny diamonds sparkling against the night sky. I wonder if they're the same ones that have given it light for the last twenty years. If so then have they seen everything I've done, have they been there to witness what I've become?
If they were then they would have spotted me roaming the streets of Sunnydale (sometimes with my friends, and sometimes all alone) at all hours of the night. Stealing kisses with a vampire. And crying by my window every time my world was pulled apart. Like when mom died a couple of months ago.
Did they see how much it hurt? Did they care? I thought that was it, I thought there was no way I would be able to survive losing her. But somehow I found the will to go on. I found it inside. In my blood, my life... my little sister.
But she's not my sister. She's more than that. They made this beautiful girl out of me. They placed memories inside my head to make me believe she'd always been there. But there was one thing they didn't do... They didn't make me love her. And I do, with all my heart.
I'll do anything for her because she's all I have left. I'll die a thousand torturous deaths just so that she can have the life she truly deserves. Do I think that's how it's going to end tonight? I'm not sure. Maybe... maybe not. All I know is that I have to do everything in my power to save her. Because if I don't, and I lose her. It will kill me. Either that or I'll snap and kill myself.
But even that would take a strength I would no longer posses.
Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about this, but it's hard when it's so painful it consumes me. And I get so terrified that if I take my mind off her, even for a minute, she'll die. And I'll never forgive myself.
Right now I don't know what they're doing to her, but I'm fearing for the worst. I can't help it. It's the slayer in me; it's so used to seeing what a twenty year old girl shouldn't ever have to see. But that's my life right? This right here is who I was destined to be. A girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Lucky me.
But as much as I hate it, I'll do it. I'll fight, to the death if I have to just so that everyone I love can live a long and happy life. I'll never give up. Not when it comes to my little sister. I love her so much, and not just because she's my own flesh and blood, I just love her. Just like Mom loved the both of us. I can't stand the thought of losing her. And I won't.
Spike's calling me now, telling me it's time. That's when I realize I've been sitting here so long and I've forgotten that I originally come up here to get more weapons. I fumble around and grab what's necessary before heading for the door. That's when I stop myself.
I turn around and face the one place that has truly been a home for me in every sense of the word for the past five years. There's so much going through my mind as I look over my bed, my dresser, and every other little thing inside it. I look at all my belongings and all my most precious memories flash through my mind.
I think of my sister and the countless times I've caught her in here, reading my diary, before going to write about me in her own. I may not be a hundred percent sure that that memory is real or if it's something the monks placed inside my head, but to me it feels real. Magic or not, as far as I'm concerned every annoying thing she ever did was real, just like every time she ran into my room because she was scared, not thinking that the safest place in the world was sleeping next to a slayer, but just being near someone she loved was enough. And it was, it always was.
Then my thoughts turn to my best friends, and of us lying on my bed, braiding hair, watching movies, gossiping, or preparing ourselves for our next big battle... A History Exam. I smile at the thought. How was it that I lucked out and got the most amazing friends a girl could ever have? What I had before we moved here was nothing, and they became everything to me.
I think of my mother next. I think of how much I love her, and how much I miss her. I think of all the special things she did for me and how without meaning to I took them for granted. Things like taking care of me when I was sick, or watching me model some new outfit. Then I think of another part of the house and of finding her lying there, cold and lifeless on the couch. I think of the sound of her ribs cracking beneath my hands. I think of our movie nights and how we both loved the classics. Most of all I think of how much I wish she was here right now.
As I turn to close the door there's one memory that flashes through my mind that makes my heart ache... Angel.
That's when I realize that this is it. This is the big one; I'm not going to make it through. If I'm standing here thinking of the only man I've ever loved, and for that matter will ever be able to love. The one and same man that I've spent the past two years repressing such thoughts of. Then I know that this is the end, and it's time to say goodbye.
With my weapons in hand, I close the door, and head downstairs.
The fight was hard. But aren't they all? Because in the end even if everyone survives I always end up losing something. Whether it's a part of innocence or a fraction of the will I need to go through it all again, it's gone. It seems that I never come out of a fight and think I'm the same girl I was before the battle began. It never used to be like this, in fact I used to think it made me stronger, but that died when mom did. And now every fight, whether its simply staking the one vamp, or killing a hell god, just gets harder and harder.
But right now as I stand here on the tower beside Dawn I realize we really did it, we fought with everything we had and we beat Glory. Something that at one low point I never thought we could. And now I don't feel like I'm losing anything, I mean I know it's not over and I know what I have to do for it to be, but what I'm about to sacrifice is worth it. Because it's better than any other solution. And even if Dawn can't accept that, I know there's no changing my mind.
"Listen to me. Please, there's not a lot of time, listen." She's doesn't want to hear it. But for once she has to stop being so damn stubborn and let me say this. It's important; I need her to just... "Dawn, listen to me. Listen." Finally she gives me her undivided attention along with a silent promise not to interrupt. And I feel a slight pang of guilt. I mean I can't blame her for wanting to stop me. I know exactly how she feels, because I to can't imagine a world without her in it. "I love you. I will always love you." She's crying. I hate making her cry. But I have to; I have to do this so that she can live. "But this is the work that I have to do."
I have so much to tell her, so much to say and all I can think is that I can't. There's just not enough time... not enough time... I pause briefly. The words are so familiar. And I have this strange feeling of déjà vu. That and there's currently so many visions flashing through my mind.
I'm a little confused. What is going on... what am I seeing? Normally I'd think it was make believe, but this, this is real. I see him, I see everything I ever wanted, and I know, I know it happened. Angel was human.
Why am I remembering this now? Now that I don't have enough time to really digest what I've seen? Or rather, how could I have ever forgotten a day so perfect? Stupid memory spells... why do people kept insisting on using them on me? Shaking the thoughts away I turn my complete attention back to my sister. As much I want to understand, and to know why. There really isn't enough time. And I guess there never will be.
"Tell Angel..." there's only one thing I need him to know, because he's already aware of the fact I love him so much it hurts to even think of it. "Tell him I remember… and thank you." He gave up everything he'd ever wanted to save my life. And all that I can think was that I got it all. I mean don't get me wrong there were times when I thought my life and being the slayer sucked beyond the telling of it. But along with my family and friends, he made it worth it.
I loved, and I mean really loved someone with my entire heart and soul. I put everything I had into being with him, and til this day I have no regrets. I mean there are people out there that never get that kind of chance at love, and I did. And even though it was doomed from the beginning, I'll always be grateful.
But again, as demons burst through the vortex I'm reminded that I don't have the time to think about it.
"Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And… and I'm okay." Really I want to say tell Giles thank you for being my mentor... my father.
"And give my love to my friends." My friends. I don't think I could ever say let alone think of anything that could justify what they mean to me, and the things they've done. They befriended me and took on all my baggage without so much as a question. "You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other." They'll look out for her; they'll do everything for her because of what she means to me.
"You have to be strong." Oh God I can't believe how painful this is, I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to her. My baby sister. "Dawn, the hardest thing in this world... is to live in it. Be brave. Live... For me." I brush a loving kiss against her cheek and turn. If I keep looking at her and seeing that heartache, I know I'll change my mind. Sprinting away from her I dive off the end of the tower and say goodbye to a life that no matter what anyone thinks, I loved living. Because my life wasn't so much about the demons and apocalypses, it was about the people in it, and what they meant to me...
The world.
End