Title: These Tears I've Cried
Fandom: Star Wars
Character/Pairing: Padme Amidala, Anakin/Padme
Rating: Eh, since the movie's rated the way it is, I'll say PG (K+), just to be safe
Genre: Angst/Romance, maybe?
Word Count: 922
Notes: For quoteficlets on LiveJournal, quote # 8.
Summary: Padme's thoughts on the way to Mustafar, after her talk with Obi-Wan in RotS (spoilers! You have been warned)
They say you there is never a need to be ashamed of our tears. That they are not a source of harm, or of shame . . . That is not always true. I sit here now, inside this ship, on my way to a system I know little of, to find the one person that matters to me in the entire galaxy . . . and tears of shame and regret streak my face. I feel them against my skin, feel them as they swell, unbidden, from my eyes and down my cheeks . . . and I know I have every right to be ashamed. I have betrayed my husband, in both thought and deed.
When he left me, that night, I did not think much of it, beyond worrying for him. I could tell something was troubling him, but at the time I was so happy to see him, I did not care. My worry for him, before then, had consumed me until the moment I saw him on the landing. With the attacks on the Jedi Temple earlier that night, I'd been terrified something had happened . . . that he had been killed, and would never return to me. I was so relieved that he was there, I did not care about anyone seeing us out on the landing platform, or what was going on; all I cared about was that my Anakin had come back to me, safe and sound. I simply couldn't stop myself, so happy was I to see him again. The moment I had him in my arms again, and felt his lips against mine, I felt a peaceful calm descend over me; something that had been missing since I'd seen smoke rising from the Jedi Temple.
I could hardly believe it when Anakin told me of a Jedi rebellion . . . It wasn't possible, was it? The Jedi would never turn on the Republic . . . but Anakin seemed to believe it; he even said he'd seen Master Windu try to murder the Chancellor. When he told me he was leaving, I felt fear rise in me again. I'd finally gotten him back, after worrying so much, and he was leaving again . . . going into even more danger. He asked me to wait for him, and I readily agreed. How could I not wait for the man I loved? I would have done anything for him . . . I still would. Then, just as quickly, he was gone, off to a distant star system, and I was left alone on the platform with my fears and discomfort. My worry for him had returned full force as I watched him fly off, and a deep, startling sense of discomfort and disbelief pulled at my heart. Something wasn't right about this . . . The Jedi wouldn't rebel, would they? And the way Anakin had spoken of the other Jedi, as if they didn't matter . . . as if he despised them . . . It frightened me to no end. I had much trouble sleeping that night, after his last visit . . . But it was nothing compared to the discomfort I felt the day after.
I had not been expecting any visitors, so when Threepio announced that there was a Jedi here to see me, I was surprised, to say the least. I'd been hoping - believing - it was Anakin, back already . . . so I was quite stunned to see Obi-Wan in my sitting room. Why would he come to see me, particularly after what Anakin had told me the other night, about the Jedi? His grave expression only increased the worries I already harbored for my husband, far off, going to the Mustafar system. Seeing Obi-Wan there, the first thing I thought of was that something had to have happened to Anakin. Why else would his former master come to visit me, unless something had gone terribly wrong?
My terror that Anakin had been harmed or killed dissipated soon after he arrived, only to be replaced by a cold dread. What the Jedi Master said about Anakin, my Ani, nearly broke my heart. How could he say such things about his friend, a man who looked up to him almost like a brother? How could he accuse Anakin of doing all those things? It was outrageous! My Ani wouldn't turn against what he knew was good . . . He wouldn't kill Jedi . . . wouldn't slaughter Younglings . . . It was impossible! He would never . . . But the sincerity in Obi-Wan's voice got to me. That was the moment of my first betrayal of Anakin: for a second, I actually began to believe Anakin in fact could have done it all . . . But when I realized Obi-Wan planned to kill him, I came back to my senses. Anakin would never do such a thing, no matter what Obi-Wan said. I refused to help him. I would not have the death of my love on my conscience . . .
It was only after he left that I let his words get the better of me, and I broke down once again . . . and that was the scene of my second betrayal of my husband, a betrayal I'm continuing, right now. He asked me to wait for him . . . but I have not. I have to know the truth, no matter what. They say we need never be ashamed of our tears, but these tears are not for myself . . . they are for my Anakin, and for us all. And so, now I am going to seek the truth out there, with my Ani. Only when I know Obi-Wan was lying will I be at peace once more; only then will my tears be gone.
FIN