Disclaimer:
I DO NOT OWN NOR HAVE ANY RIGHTS NOR HAVE I BEEN PAID FOR RANMA ½. THIS IS FANFICTION.
I feel sick.
Who wants to bathe in the same water that Disclaimer and stupid Gobstopper have bathed in?
Who wants to use a washing machine that Disclaimer and stupid Gobstopper have washed their underwear in?
Who wants to sit on a toilet that Disclaimer and stupid Gobstopper have used?
Who wants to breathe the same air as Disclaimer and stupid Gobstopper?
I hate Disclaimer! I hate Gobstopper!
I hate (deleted) even more!
I hate Papa! I hate Mama!
But most of all I hate myself!
I can't take it anymore!
Why me?! Why me?!
Special prize for those who can place THAT scene and the names that should be there!
And I don't own or have any rights to that anime either.
Shampoo lay on the floor, her head still spinning. It felt like the entire world was moving around her, and every time she tried to stand up, she felt like she would throw up in the Tendo living room. When she closed her eyes, she felt a little better, and could listen to the fight around her. It didn't seem to be going well. Shampoo wasn't surprised; weren't any of them paying attention when Airen leveled a mountain?
Another wave of nausea hit her, and she lay her head back down. How could she fight when she couldn't even move? Maybe it was better if she took her great-grandmother's advice, and just lie down, and stay out of the fight.
"Child," she remembered her great-grandmother saying. "How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Six."
"Sit down, Shampoo," she had said as she lay a restraining hand on Shampoo's neck. "I don't have six fingers on either of my hands!"
A hand... on her neck?
"Child..."
Child?
She didn't.
Shampoo felt her neck where Cologne had touched her. The skin was tender. A bruise.
She did.
Shampoo felt like screaming. This was a pressure point used on unruly children to make them behave! She'd used it herself once, in a contest when she was fourteen! Great-grandmother! You shame Shampoo!
Shampoo began to crawl, ignoring the wave of sickness coming from her stomach. She should have known something was wrong when the Elder told her to lie down. People with concussions should not go to sleep moments after they get them!
Angry at her great-grandmother, angry at herself for not seeing the trick being placed on her, and angry at being helpless, Shampoo dragged herself out into the yard, almost being stepped on several times, and grimacing when Akane Tendo knocked a pair of teeth at her. She inclined her head, seeing her destination a few yards away. She pulled, ignoring the urge to stop moving and rest.
Almost...
Just another couple of yards.
Screaming from the house. Akane Tendo's voice. Something about knocking out someone who get in her way.
Another couple of feet.
Almost...
Ranma was laughing, and it was the most frightening sound she could imagine. It sounded like the man who had to be caught and killed from a neighboring village, when it was found he had eaten a poisonous herb, and it had driven him mad after the fever had boiled away the sane portion of his mind. He had seemed to take great delight in killing children.
There!
A moment later, Shampoo streaked into the dojo as fast as she could.
Blindfold, blindfold... there it is!
Shampoo picked up the blindfold, and then she smelled something.
Something that smelled wrong.
Akane Tendo. And onna-Ranma. Excited. Both of them.
She narrowed her eyes, smelling it again. No, she decided. Nothing too much happen here. Airen and Akane Tendo touch. Potion excite Airen, and not even Akane Tendo not be turned on by Ranma. Stupid boy must have interrupted. Good.
She ran.
There might have been a lot about Ranma that Shampoo did not understand, but she knew where he stood on pointlessly killing people. If her Airen killed someone because of the potion she gave him, he would never forgive her.
How could she make him come to China then?
Kasumi stood in shock. This isn't Ranma, her mind told her. It can't be. The Ranma she knew didn't tear through her family like tissue paper, no matter how good a martial artist he was. The Ranma she knew was generally kind to other people, no matter how much they deserved to be treated poorly. The Ranma she knew didn't laugh while he was killing someone like it was the greatest joke he'd ever heard.
Her mind couldn't even start on Akane. Helping him.
"This isn't happening," she whispered. "Stop it."
Ryoga was turning a horrible shade of purple and making a frightening gagging sound. His good arm clutched at Ranma, his broken one hung at his side. Genma and Soun had both turned red as their blood pressure went sky-high from the exertion they put on Ranma's arm, trying to pry it loose from Ryoga's neck.
"Stop it, Ranma!"
That laughter, that horrible laughter.
"Stop it, Ranma, or I'll... I'll... I'll make Akane cook for you!"
Under the circumstances, it was possibly the most pathetic attempt at a threat that anyone could have made.
She just couldn't think of anything to say.
Then Shampoo dropped the blindfold into her hands.
Kasumi looked at Shampoo, a question in her eyes. Then she understood. She picked Shampoo up, and threw her at Ranma. She held the blindfold up, waiting.
Ryoga was turning blue, and Ranma was thrilled at the fact that the fool was going to die. He'd been a thorn in Ranma's side for so damn long, and it was going to be good to be rid of him. He'd hated the lost boy for so long, and it was finally going to end. By the gods, it was funny. He wondered for a second what had been holding him back from this course of action before now. Some kind of idea that you weren't supposed to kill. Heh. That was gone, now.
Then something dropped onto his arm. He looked. It looked back at him, and before he could react, it asked him something.
"Mew?"
Fear overrode the desire to finish breaking Ryoga, and Ranma screamed and recoiled from the cat latched onto his arm.
Straight into the hands of Kasumi.
She pulled the blindfold over Ranma's eyes, and tied the back. Almost immediately, Ranma's body relaxed, like he'd been holding every muscle in his body stiff until that moment.
He also turned a sickly shade of green.
"Oh, my god. What did I do? What was I thinking?"
Kasumi found herself as unable to answer as Shampoo. Ranma's father might have been stupid enough to say something, but he and Soun both still had their hands full with Akane, who had been knocked back by Ranma's retreat, and was now trying to get her hands back around Ryoga's neck.
"Hold her, damn it, just hold her down!"
"Like you can talk, Tendo! You've got the easy part, but this girl can kick!"
"Let me go, you idiots! Let me go or I'm gonna kick both your asses!" She pried one of her legs loose and kicked Ranma's father in the head before she pulled her legs back as fast as she could and shoved both her knees into her own father's face. He dropped her, and she sprang to her feet, and ran at Ryoga, who was on his side, coughing and spitting blood.
Genma managed to reach out with one hand and tripped her. Another kick to his head and she was free. Nothing was in her way now, and she charged at Ryoga again, bent on finishing what had been started.
She was four feet from Ryoga when someone caught her. Her wrists were grabbed, and she was forced to wrap her arms around herself.
"No, dammit, let me go! Let me go!"
"Akane, calm down. It's me, it's me."
She stopped struggling. "Ranma?"
"Yeah, Akane. Don't do it. We'll deal with him another way."
Akane sank to the floor, sitting. Ranma followed her down, keeping his arms around her. He was careful to keep his head back. It was the only part of him uncovered, and they didn't need something else happening right now.
Tears began to fall down Akane's cheeks. "He used me," Akane whispered. "I thought he was my friend. And P-chan. I told P-chan everything. He watched me change. He watched me bathe. I held him at night when I was sleeping. I just feel so... violated."
"I know," Ranma whispered in her ear. "And I hate him for it."
Akane nodded. "I know." She turned and cried into Ranma's chest.
Ryoga awoke to find his wounds being tended to. There was a splint on his left arm, and several bandages decorated his chest and head. Someone was dabbing at a small trickle of blood coming from a cut on his head. He groaned, and opened an eye. The other stung too much to open. He guessed that blood had gotten into it, since it didn't feel swollen. And his mouth hurt. He remembered that kick Ranma had given him while he was flying. It felt like he had knocked out a few teeth. He probed around in his mouth with his tongue. There was a large gap. Two maybe, but not three, he thought through the pain. His open eye fell on Soun Tendo, who was having a small bandage being placed on his forehead by Genma Saotome.
Akane's kick to his head had split the skin.
Genma himself had removed the top to his gi so that his ribs could be wrapped up. Both he and Soun sported several other large bruises, but they didn't look too serious.
Ryoga saw Cologne, limping as she administered some potion to Shampoo. The Elder Amazon was on the Tendo's couch, with several wrappings on her. Shampoo was laying on the couch, no longer a cat.
"That should counter the pressure point, Shampoo," Cologne was saying.
Mousse sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. He, too, sported several bruises and was frowning at the pair of broken glasses in his hands. Mousse dropped them, and started digging around in his robes for another pair, wincing as he did so.
Ryoga didn't see Ranma or Akane, but that was probably because they were on the other side of him. He didn't want to turn his head over to check, since that would mean interfering with whoever was cleaning up his forehead.
I hope it's Akane, he thought. Memory flashed back into his mind, Akane helping Ranma to choke the air from his lungs. Maybe... not.
"Quit complaining, Tendo. You've had worse than this before."
"Saotome, might I remind you that I was kicked in the head? By my own daughter?"
"My son both threw my to the floor in a such a very painful way that he cracked my ribs."
"My lip is bleeding from where your son kicked me hard enough to send me flying into the hall."
"Your daughter used a move on me that almost broke my neck that she should not have known."
"My nose was almost broken when Ranma threw my daughter at me like a cannonball."
"My head almost blew apart from the exertion of pulling my son's arm from the Hibiki boy."
"So did mine."
Ryoga looked away. They were tallying fighting injuries like it was a warped game of Shogi.
There was the sound of someone clearing their throat from somewhere over his head, and he looked up to see Ranma's mother standing on the edge of the stairs. Nodoka frowned, then said, "Well, is someone going to tell me what happened here, since my wayward husband forced me to stay upstairs with his pressure points?"
"To put it quickly," said Cologne, "I'd say that the potion in your son was having him attack the Hibiki boy. We were trying to stop him, when Akane Tendo switched sides and joined Ranma on beating him herself. Then Kasumi Tendo splashed Mousse with warm water to change him back into a boy, and got him and Ranma. Ranma became too strong for any of us to hold, and almost killed Ryoga Hibiki. Only Shampoo's interference by attacking Ranma Saotome as a cat repelled him, and ended the fight when Kasumi Tendo secured the blindfold. The injuries you see around you are the result of our attempts at stopping your son."
"Ah, yes, Ranma's intense fear of cats. When this is all settled, husband, we shall... discuss... my son's training."
Genma paled. "Yes, dear."
"Well, I can guess that Ranma does not like this Ryoga, but I was under the impression that he and Akane were friends."
"Not anymore," Ryoga heard Akane whisper from somewhere behind him.
"Akane, why would you decide Ryoga was not your friend in the middle of the fight?" Kasumi asked.
"Because I... realized something, when we were fighting Ranma," Akane said. She sounded like she was upset, and angry. "Ryoga's cursed, like Ranma and Mousse."
"He's P-chan."
"You mean... the P-chan you carry around?" Nodoka asked.
"He's been my pet for years, and I didn't even know it was him."
Ryoga himself the sudden object of attention. He cringed.
"No," whispered Kasumi. "No, no, no." She backed away from Ryoga, no longer caring about dressing his injuries. "He can't be. No."
"Kasumi, daughter, what is it?" Soun asked.
Kasumi backed up until she sat on the stairs. Nodoka sat next to her, holding the girl in her arms.
"How could you?" Kasumi looked up at Ryoga with tears falling down her cheeks. "How could you do that?!" she screamed. "How could you do that to my sister?! How could you do that to ME?!" Kasumi buried her head in Nodoka's shoulder and sobbed.
The room looked at the eldest Tendo daughter in concern. She lifted her head up and whispered in Nodoka's ear for a moment, then hugged her knees to her chest and hid her face in her knees.
Nodoka looked at Ryoga. Her eyes were cold. She stalked toward the lost boy, and her sword stopped mere inches from his neck. Genma and Soun appeared at her side to restrain her.
She turned and glared at her husband's friend. "He's been sleeping in Akane's bed."
Soun's glare at her was full of malice, though the anger was meant for Ryoga. "I knew her pet had been in her room." Which was true. He'd once seen a small pig transform into a boy when it had jumped in with him while he was trying to take a bath, but at the time, Soun had just been coming out shock at the chaotic events that seemed to follow Ranma everywhere he went. He'd convinced himself that he'd been hallucinating.
"He's been sleeping in Kasumi's bed."
"What?" Soun said flatly.
"When Akane's been out or wanted to be alone," Nodoka spat, "he's been sleeping in Kasumi's bed."
Soun's eye twitched, and Ryoga felt the weight of a half-dozen furious glares turn his way.
Soun sprinted out to the dojo, and came back seconds later carrying something in his arms.
The Tendo family blade.
It joined Nodoka's sword at Ryoga's neck.
"You," he snapped, "have defiled two of my daughters."
Ryoga only managed to croak as a response. The bruises on his neck testified that his near-death experience had rendered him temporarily incapable of speech.
Mousse was whispering into Ranma's ear. Akane strained to catch it while trying not to get up and beat on Ryoga some more. When Mousse finished, Ranma was ginning
"And make sure you pronounce her name right, just this once, or she'll have your head," Mousse mumbled.
"I call on Elder Kho Lon of the Amazon village," he said. "I demand the Court of Joketsuzoku, right here, right now."
Every head in the room turned towards Ranma.
"Huh?" said Akane.
Cologne's jaw dropped. She stared for a moment, before realizing that he had been called in her official capacity, and was required to respond.
"What right-" she stopped, blinking, as she tried to figure out what was happening right in front of her. "What right do you have to call the Court of Joketsuzoku, right here, right now?"
"My fiancée is Akane Tendo, and her sister is Kasumi Tendo. They have been slighted, and I demand justice." Ranma leaned toward Mousse, who sat beside him, and mumbled under his breath, "Am I doing this right?"
"Fine," Mousse mumbled back. "I'll let you know if you do something wrong."
Akane stared at them both. "What are you doing?" she hissed.
"See here, now, son," Soun yelled. "What the hell are you doing now?"
Ranma ignored him, and Mousse quickly walked around the room, and started whispering into Nodoka's ear. She smiled, and said something back. Mousse whispered again, then Nodoka, in turn, whispered into Genma's ear.
"What right does an outsider man have to call upon the High Court of the Amazons?"
Ranma fidgeted where he sat. Here was the line he wouldn't like saying. "I have defeated Xian Pu," he forced himself to properly say the name, "and whether or not we have truly wed, this gives me the right."
Genma turned and whispered into Soun's ear, while Nodoka turned and went to Kasumi.
Cologne appeared to be thinking about that, while Mousse went and spoke to Shampoo to quietly for anyone to hear. Kasumi stood, and then sat down next to her sister.
"What are you doing?" Akane snapped at Ranma.
He smiled and turned his head towards her. "Turns out Cologne's got diplomatic immunity, or something like that. Mousse says if we try him in a makeshift Chinese court with the old ghoul here, then anything that happens here the Japanese government has no say over."
Akane rolled her eyes. No wonder Shampoo got away with her potions and bashing in walls to make doors.
While Ranma petitioned Cologne for a court, Mousse went to Nodoka.
"Ranma is calling for my highest court, Nodoka-sama," he whispered in her ear. "Elder Cologne was granted ambassador status when she arrived, so she can hold Chinese law in effect here and have diplomatic immunity as long as it's in place. Ranma wants to punish Ryoga Hibiki for Akane-san and Kasumi-san, this way, he can get it. Whatever he wants."
Nodoka's smile was frightening. "What do you need from me?" she asked.
"As Ranma's mother, you're the head of the Saotome Clan in the eyes of the Amazons. As the head of the Clan calling the court, you will be one of the prisoner's guards during the trial. As head of the other Clan involved, Soun Tendo-san will be the other. Your husband will be in charge of guarding any witnesses or evidence, but I don't think there's going to be much of that. I'll be Ranma's guide through the trial, since he doesn't really know what to do. As Ryoga's guard, do whatever it takes to prevent him leaving. In an Amazon court, that could even mean cutting off his legs to prevent him from running. Kasumi and Akane need to be by Ranma's side during the trial, since they are the reason he asked for the court. Will you tell Saotome-san and Kasumi-san while I talk to Shampoo?"
"Of course." She turned and whispered into Genma's ear. He began to grin. "Tell Soun," she said. Mousse walked to Shampoo while Nodoka went to Kasumi. It took a little prodding, but in the end, Kasumi got up and sat by her sister, who sat next to Ranma.
-Shampoo,- said Mousse. –I know how you feel about Akane Tendo, but I need your help in this.-
-You need me to agree with it.-
-Yes. You have to agree, what this Ryoga Hibiki has done is wrong. If a man had used a Jusenkyo curse to sleep in your bed and your sister's bed without you knowing, how would you feel?-
-I would kill him.-
-Then will you do this? If not for the honor of Akane Tendo, then for the innocence of Kasumi Tendo? She is pure, truly pure, and that boy has been spoiling her. And it is Ranma Saotome who shall punish him. Do you not believe that he will not find a punishment worthy of an Amazon?-
"Is there another Amazon here who would see my court in this place?" Cologne's voice drifted to them.
-Well, Xian Pu? What will you do, since it is your Airen who seeks this?- Mousse asked before he returned to Ranma's side.
Ryoga didn't understand what was happening. Ranma had started on about something about an Amazon court, and now Nodoka Saotome and Soun Tendo were standing on either side of him. They both had their katanas drawn and ready.
"If you run, boy, I will take off your leg at the knee to prevent you from getting away."
From the look on Soun Tendo's face, Ryoga believed him. But, run? Ryoga didn't think he could stand on his own, much less run! He watched the room in scared fascination. Genma Saotome had taken up a position near Akane and Kasumi. Mousse sat by Ranma, while Cologne had just jumped up onto the arm of the couch. With a feeling of dread, Ryoga realized what was going on. He was about to be tried, in an Amazon court. He squeezed his brain for what he knew about the Amazons from tales he had heard when he was... traveling.
He took another look at the way the room was set up. Akane and Kasumi were going to stand against him. Genma was their guard, as they were witnesses. Soun Tendo and Nodoka Saotome were his guards, to prevent him from leaving.
Prisoner, I'm the prisoner, he thought. Amazons didn't have a nice legal name like the accused. Ranma was going to be... dear god. Ranma was going to be the one who decided the punishment, and it would be Cologne herself as the executioner. His only hope was that Shampoo wasn't going to agree to call the court, since they would need another female Amazon to say it would proceed, as they were outside the Joketsuzoku village.
He thought that was the only thing on his side, since Shampoo sometimes wanted him around, to try to claim Akane for himself instead of Ranma.
"Is there another Amazon here who would see my court in this place?" called Cologne.
There was silence for a moment while Mousse walked back over to Ranma.
Shampoo laughed from her prone position on the couch. –I have nothing against Kasumi Tendo,- she said in Chinese. –I admire her, for her devotion to honor and duty. Call the court.- I very much doubt Akane Tendo and the lost piggy would get together at this point, anyway, she thought.
"Your request is granted, Ranma Saotome." Cologne hopped onto the arm of the couch. She was grinning in that way that suggested that she was about to have more fun in the next few minutes than she had had in months. She turned, and faced the room.
"The Court of the Joketsuzoku is at your disposal, at this time, in this place. What do you seek, young warrior?"
Gobstopper: Heh, heh, heh. You didn't think I'd let him off that easy, did you? Ryoga's going to pay. One way, or another. A five-minute beating followed by being strangled to death almost seems too good for him. You can tell I'm not a big Ryoga fan, can't you? Besides that- WILL YOU KNOCK THAT OFF?!
Ranma stops dancing in celebration.
Gobstopper: Like I was saying, I think what I've got in mind for the little lost freak will be good enough. Hell, even if I just decide to put him to death, Ryoga gets to watch the decision to kill him being made while he's helpless to stop it, and wouldn't that be a horror trip for him?
Ranma (singing): Ryoga's gonna payyyy Ryoga's gonna payyyy Ryoga's gonna payyyy-
Gobstopper: SHUT-UP!! Anyway, the prize for correctly placing the scene at the top is a guest-appearance in this story (or a future story, that it up to you. I'll leave that up to you) as a character of your choice. Whoever gets it right wins! And you have to get the series, the names I've replaced with "Gobstopper" "Disclaimer" and "(deleted)" right, as well as the person who said all of it, and where she was. In the event of a tie, I will post the tie-breaker at the end of the next chapter. See you then!