Summary: Kamiya Kaoru is the young owner of a flower shop. Every day of the week, her customer, Himura Kenshin, comes to pick up fresh white roses, a dozen of them, for his late wife. Kaoru can't help but fall in love with this mysterious customer. But how can things ever be if Kenshin's still grieving the death of his wife?
AN: I'm done with AP testing! Finally! I'm so happy. And my brother is coming back from college this week. Yay, haven't seen my bro in a while. Anyway, this chapter is this chapter. What can I say? It's kind of confusing. There's no real time sequence to these things. I'm trying to create an almost dreamlike state whenever it's just Kaoru and Kenshin. And when they're with other people, you realize that they're real people too. =P Hard to explain. And I know it goes kind of slow, but bear with me.
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Declaimer: I don't own Kenshin.
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As I Bloom
Winds of Fortune
Chapter 4
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Life, emotion, love. It was painful, the existence that had ceased to live. The hunger amounted to no more than the pain. It was physical, emotional. A kind of emotion that affected the body. Guilt. My open eyes saw no more than the glassy eyes of my dead wife. Tomoe. If she should suffer, then I have not a right to live in peace. If she should die, then it is my right, my duty, to live and grieve.
The dirt at my feet seemed no darker than my clothing, my hands, my face. The dust swirled in thick clouds and settled onto my prone figure. Whether it was blood caked on my clothes or pools of dirt, I had forgotten.
It was pain without feeling, life without love. What good did it do for me to sit on the side of a street and starve to death? Tomoe was dead.
At first, I had wanted to die. Existence without her could be no better than death. Death would be my punishment, I thought. I wanted it, embraced it, wished for it. But I knew that death, in the end, was just an escape. Death I did not fear, and it was life that would ultimately be my worst punishment.
My lifeless finger trailed down the side of my cheek, feeling the hardened blood, the gritty dirt, the rough skin of my scar. Love, my mind beat out, it was all my fault.
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The phone rang relentlessly, and for a moment, my dead amber eyes refused to see. It was a dream, I said to myself, shaking my head.
It wasn't. It was just the past.
"Hello?"
There was a pause before the familiar deep baritone voice spoke. "Himura." It was a statement, not an inquiry.
"Shinomori san," I said brightly back, forcing good cheer into my deadpan voice.
"Open your door." Another statement, a command.
I opened my door obediently to see the tall man hang up his cell phone.
"I've been knocking for five minutes. What's wrong with you?"
I smiled at him, stepping back to let him into my spacious apartment.
Life. Living. Feeling. Pain. Emotion. Death. Love.
Tomoe.
And then softly, softly, my mind spoke a word as though an answer to a riddle.
Kaoru.
"You look like you've been run over by a truck." Shinomori Aoshi stated, his scrutinizing blue eyes seeing past my smile.
I sighed, dropping my happy-go-lucky look. "I feel like it, that's for sure."
His unwavering gaze stayed on me, studying my mood and accessing my situation. "Let's go," he said finally, throwing a jacket at me. "You need a break from thinking about the past."
The look he gave me spoke volumes more than his words. This tall silent man before me had been with me since a time before Tomoe. I appreciated the reminder of a past before the past, of a future that is yet to come, and of a present that is still clean for me to write out.
"Where am I going, Shinomori san?"
"To the movies."
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I watched you constantly. There was a kind of comfort I got when I saw you going about your work. You were always so cheerful, so content, so much the opposite of me. I wanted to be like you. But being close to you was enough for me. To feel your presence was enough to bring me my moment's peace. With you, I forgot about the world. When I leave, however, I feel as though I carried the burden of my guilt in those white roses that lay heavy in my arms. Because I should be thinking of Tomoe when I thought of you.
"Kenshin," you said, "today is a wonderful day."
And as I watched your sparkling eyes and easy grin, I felt myself sink deeper into despair.
I am not worthy of you.
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I don't suppose it was possible for a man to stick out as much as Shinomori did. The sleek Mercedes he arrived in already attracted many a look, and the sharp suit didn't do much to disperse the curious crowd. He was a man who certainly looked his best all the time, and with such a cool demeanor, people flocked to him. It was no wonder he hated public places. Why he decided to suddenly bring this lowly friend of his to the movies was an enigma.
In the midst of t-shirts and jeans, of scanty skirts and tube tops, Shinomori scowled furiously as he handed me the movie tickets. "Four tickets, Shinomori san? We are only two people." I blinked childishly at the tickets he held out to me.
"Some people are joining us."
"Ah- who?" I inquired, inspecting the pieces of paper called tickets. This would be a first time experience at a movie theater for me.
"Misao and her friend."
A slow knowing smile crept on my face. "I had been wondering why we were doing this."
Shinomori watched me expressionlessly. "Meaning?"
"We've never been to the movies before. If we wanted to watch something, we could have seen it in your own private theater. That's why."
"Implying that you think I'm a dog following her every step."
"Implying that I think it's about time you two got together."
He refused to respond.
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In a world of black and white, one could say that my past was as bleak as the darkest night. And it was for such a modern day standard that I did not want to talk about it. But any normal person would wonder, and so it was your right to ask. I did not resent your curiosity. I embraced your almost childlike innocence. Any other person asking those personal questions that you constantly wonder would not have gotten an answer. But to you, I could only answer in my own vague way.
"What do you do for a living, Himura san?" you asked me, your fingers tying a lovely red ribbon around my flowers.
For a living?
A bitter side of me rose up briefly. Live? I did not live. I did not do much with my pathetic existence except repent for all the wrong I have brought upon others. Living was not something I would call this.
The smile that was constantly forced on my face fell.
I was not alive.
"Himura san," you murmured softly, "forgive me. It was not my place to ask. You do not have to answer." You smiled at me, a sympathetic smile, a sad smile.
I suppressed a sigh at that smile. "I do nothing for a living. I have not a job. I simply live off an inheritance."
"I see."
I watched you as your hand carefully tipped water into each potted plant.
"I had a job once," I finally mentioned.
A job before my wife died.
A job I willing gave up for Tomoe.
You set the watering jug aside, beckoning for me to exit the store so you could lock the door. "I had a job once. I was a teacher's assistant at my father's kendo class."
I breathed more easily, picking up on the tangent you gave me. "Kendo? Do you fight?"
I could not talk about my job now.
"Yes, but I'm afraid I've had to give up that hobby since my father passed away."
"I'm sorry."
You slid a key into the door, clicking it shut. Turning to me, you bowed lightly. "Have a wonderful day, Himura san."
My hand reached up and cupped your face. I saw the shock in your eyes as they flew to mine. With your warm face cradled in my palm, I took a step closer to you.
"My job," I whispered, leaning close by your ear, "was one that hurt people."
I could feel your rapid pulse under my fingertips, your thick lashes brush against my skin as you blinked, and your shallow breathing.
Perhaps I scared you that day. But in my own way, I just wanted to gain acceptance from you. I wanted you to see me as I was and understand me.
I just wanted you to know that my job was one that I would have willingly given up for you.
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"By the way, did I mention that I set you up on a blind date?"
"Oro?" I looked aghast at Shinomori. A blind date? The man was crazy. Friend or not, he knew better than to do something such as set me up on a date. "Shinomori san, I believe this is a big mistake." I began slowly.
"I don't think so." He cut me off, his blue eyes staring down at my slightly amber ones. "You've had enough time to grieve."
"Shinomori san, you don't understand." Breath, I told myself. But I could hear the sudden pounding of my blood in my ears. A desperation wound up within me. "I cannot. It is too soon."
In the silence, my mind frantically searched for an escape. He is my friend, I reasoned, he would not do this to me. He would understand.
"Misao is here." He said finally.
My stomach plummeted. Even with my ability to keep my emotions off my face, I knew my desperation was shining well in my eyes. "Shinomori, get me out of here."
"Aoshi!" A shrill voice cried out, and Misao came bounding out of no where to latch onto Shinomori's arm.
Holding his icy gaze in mine, I knew he would not betray me. "Misao," he said in his rumbling voice, "Himura doesn't feel well enough for the movies. I think its best we retire."
"But we just got here!"
Her protest was drowned out by another cry.
"Kenshin?!"
Watching you walk toward us, I felt all the blood rush to my head. Perhaps this would be okay, my mind said weakly.
"Kaoru?" I whispered incredulously.
And even I couldn't stop the genuine smile that spread on my face.
:End Chapter 4:
yuhi-thedoerofevildeeds / Wistful-Eyes / rain angst / MZ.AMbER EYES / miyazawa kano / Regan84 / Kitsune KeNsHiN / Falling / Crystel - grin you guys are awesome. Hmm lets see, you feel the pain! That's fantastic! I'm really glad you're able to connect with the story, and kind of feel what the characters are feeling. Still not sure how Tomoe died. Haha, I should figure that out soon. And Yahiko won't be dying. I was thinking since its early stages of cancer, all he really needs is a surgery to get rid of the tumor.. right? Correct me if I'm wrong. Originally, I wanted it to be a short five chapter story. It got a lil longer than that. So I'm hoping to end it at around ten chapters. But stories always end up longer than you expect, so we'll have to see. Thx for all ur reviews.
RurouniNikkitch13 – You hit it on the dot. I was trying to create a dreamlike state. That's how I tried to write all their interactions.
Gypsy-chan – I'm so sorry about your uncle, and I'm glad you can understand why I made Kenshin think of Kaoru like that at first.
Nigihayami Haruko – Right again, I do feel more comfortable. Reviews boost my confidence by a lot. no worries, I'll always write since I'm getting more reviews than I thought I would. For you guys, I would.
Himura Kamiya Kaoru – Sorry, I'm not into the totally waffy romantic stuff. Haha, I can try, but I suck at writing those things. I think it would kind of ruin the mood I've established too. So I'll have to hold off on the "extreme moments."
the sacred night – "you are my kind of author!" Well what can I say? That's my kind of a review! Thanks, that's one of the greatest compliments I could hope for.
Allegretto – Soo.. instead of studying for ur AP test, you come and review my story? You're too cool. Thanks for muchos nice comments, from u they're always hard to believe cuz u write so well urself!