I am really sorry it has taken so long to update this fic. There was a death in the family and just recently have I felt up to coming back to it and giving it my full attention. Aswell as starting college, I have just had alot to do. I hopefully will be able to update more often now. Hope you enjoy it. There is a description of blood and the aftermath of suicide, a scene of the suicide is described - not any of the main characters and not in graphic detail.

Disclaimer: Not mine won't ever ever be.

Rodney put the key in the hole and turned. He walked into the house surprised by its quietness, student housing seemed to constantly have some noise going on, whether it was the TV, music or general chatter of voices discussing some deep meaningful subject. Today though, there was nothing. He walked through the hall, into the lounge, the kitchen and no one was around. Accepting that they'd just gone out Rodney moved upstairs to get changed and start some work - after getting something to eat that was. As he walked past a few doors before getting to his a noise caught his attention. The TV in James's room was on even quietly; as he stepped through the door the first thing that hit him was the smell. Metallic on the tip of his tongue he could taste the blood in the air, his eyes were drawn to James's body on the bed - wrists slit and eyes open, lifeless and cold. For a second he couldn't move, couldn't speak, and couldn't even think. Suddenly his legs came back to him and he was running for the phone, calling for help and hearing sirens, seeing the lights flash turning the room before him into a Technicolor display of death and sadness. Then silence and the tears come, the tears come and they don't stop.

Rodney woke up, cold from sweat, sick to the stomach and shaking uncontrollably. He looked around not finding his room but an infirmary type place. Then he remembered where he was, what had happened to him and it was all he could do to hold back the tears. All he could feel was cold, empty, alone. No one was here; he always had trouble making friends his intelligence was at the cost of the life long buddies you'd meet in little schools. Then he'd left home, arguments will his dad had no avail, he gave up and just left.

The first few days in college were awkward and he had trouble talking to new people, then as he went for a drink at the bar on campus he'd met Josh, James and Tommy. There was no where to sit and they asked if they could share his table, he was happy to oblige and they'd got talking. They were interested in whom he was what he had to say and they were just as sarcastic and witty as he was. If not as intelligent a voice had told him.

A year and a half later they were living together with Anna, Tommy's girlfriend. Rodney had split with the girl he was seeing, too much of a strain, she said he was too egocentric, to wrapped up in his work, too passive. When she told him she was leaving he didn't argue. The fact that he now had good friends and people who existed that he got on with shared things with had let him get over her much quicker than he thought possible. That was a year ago, everything had changed soon after that, James had killed himself. It all came back to quickly for Rodney; he was in an unfathomable situation and was still so shut off from the world he couldn't focus on.

The last year floated by, he worked, went home slept, woke up, worked and repeated his routine day after day. All that got him through was still having Josh and Tommy. Now they had seemed to have gone. He was on his own in another galaxy with no one he knew and he was supposed to be a genius physicist (which he always knew he would be) who was lead scientist on expedition to this corner of the universe. He felt his breathe quicken as if it was suddenly in short supply. He needed to get out of the infirmary, get somewhere else, somewhere he could think.

Rodney leaned over to where his crutches were resting against the night stand and levered himself up and onto the floor. Sneakily checking for nurses on duty, only to find one, he managed to silently make it out of the door to freedom.

"What do you mean you've lost him?" John Sheppard said loudly enough so the whole infirmary could hear him.

"I mean Major that Rodney is no longer in the infirmary and we don't know where he is." Carson replied in tones that clearly expressed his frustration.

"How did you lose him, he's 17 years old and on crutches for Christ's sake."

"Well Major it is still Rodney and he is still a sneaky get when he wants to be, I doubt that has changed in twenty years." At that point Elizabeth had walked in, with Teyla and Ford in tow.

"Carson, what happened?"

"He lost Rodney." Sheppard put in.

"I didn't lose him he snuck out, so maybe Major if you spent less time shouting at me over this and more time looking for the boy this situation will be easily corrected!" Sheppard couldn't argue with that so he just turned to Ford and said: "I want three teams, you lead one, Teyla lead on and I'll take one. No need in spooking him out with people he doesn't know. Carson you're with me."

"Yes sir." Ford replied easily though he was looking anything but comfortable. Teyla agreed with the Major's plan and left immediately soon followed by Ford. Elizabeth watched them go then turned to John,

"Find him."

"I won't come back without him, Carson, you ready to go"

"Let me get my kit." The doctor replied.

Rodney sat huddled on a balcony, he didn't know where it was but after walking, or hobbling for the best part of an hour he'd given up when he'd found this secluded spot. This is where he had been sitting for the past hour, it was cold but he seemed numb. Unaware of the pain in his head, the itchiness beneath his plaster or the people standing at the door behind him.

"Look, he doesn't know the city that well, this isn't our McKay, well it is, but it isn't. He can't have gone that far, check out the sensor array, find the lone dot and we'll zone in." John was worried about his friend, he may not of known him when he was this age but he knew him now and he was still the same person. "get Zelenka in here." John and his team were assembled in the control room. Ten minutes later the small Czech ran in ready to help. "Zelenka, we need you to find McKay. He's gone missing from the infirmary. We were using the hand held life signs detectors but we can't see any thing that looks like McKay, we need to search further a field."

"Major, Rodney does not know city like our Rodney. He could have gone anywhere - dangerous, we have experiments on the outskirts of city, you have teams looking yes?" Zelenka spoke quickly; John was quite impressed at the Czech's loyalty and care for the well being of McKay but quickly sobered at the thought of this. "Ford?" He keyed his radio and asked the young lieutenant his whereabouts.

"We are about half an hour from the control room sir."

"I need you to go to the location I give you, don't touch anything, the brains of this operation are conducting some experiments there, we don't want Rodney stumbling on them."

"Yes sir." After co-ordinates had been given and bases guarded and Zelenka had hopefully, found Rodney. The one little dot further out of the city than the life signs detector could manage was a like a homing signal, and they were zoning in. when they finally reached their destination they saw Rodney huddled on the balcony not doing much of anything except looking downright cold and miserable. John turned to the group,

"Let Teyla and Ford know we've found him. You stay here I'm going to talk to him"

"Major ifs he's hurt….." Carson went say but John interrupted, "I'll come get you. I don't want him freaking out at too many people around him"

"Aye Major, okay."

And with that John slowly walked onto the balcony and hunkered down next to his friend.