Disclaimer:
Fifteen damn times. Must I do this particular brand of insanity again?
I do not own Ranma ½.
Goes insane at having to write it again
NO MORE DISCLAIMERS FROM NOW ON, YOU HEAR ME?! THE PREVIOUS DISCLAIMER APPLIES FOR ALL FUTURE CHAPTERS OF THIS FANFICTION! I'M NOT WRITING ANOTHER ONE UNTIL THE LAST CHAPTER!!
falls to the floor twitching and foaming at the mouth, muttering "The horror... the disclaimer..."
Cologne eyeballed the current seating arrangement of the Tendo family's lunch with a critical eye. She hadn't seen so many people trying to occupy half of a table since the infamous passion-potion-in-the-communal-punch prank during the summer festival sixty-six years ago.
Which was also why there were so many sixty-five year old Amazons.
"Elbows out of my rice," she grumbled at Nabiki.
"Staff out of mine, old woman," Nabiki muttered back.
"Where," asked Cologne, "is Genma Saotome?"
"Upstairs," replied Nodoka, "resting."
Cologne raised an eyebrow. Not sleeping, but resting.
"Where is Shampoo?" Kasumi asked.
"At home." Pause. "Resting. Son-in-l-, ah, Ranma..." Cologne caught herself using a phrase that might annoy the martial artist.
"Yes?"
"On the way here, I saw a very curious and strange thing."
"Did ya see your reflection?"
Cologne blinked. Twice. That annoying comment had come from Akane Tendo.
"No," she replied scathingly. "I saw the idiot Kuno. Running like the hounds of hell was chasing him."
"Good exercise, running. Right, Akane?"
"Of course. Builds stamina."
Cologne grunted. "He was also ranting about something odd."
"Most things about Kuno are odd. Right, Ranma?"
"Of course. Almost everything."
It did not go unnoticed by Cologne that Ranma and Akane were grinning like mad fools.
"He said, while running in terror, some very strange things about you."
"Kuno always says very strange things about me. Right, Akane?"
"Foul sorcerer, charlatan, enslaver of women..." Akane trailed off.
Looking vaguely disturbed at the method by which she was getting answers, Cologne continued. "This time, is was something about Ranko Tendo's corpse being possessed by the cat demon Ranma Saotome, the foul sorceress Akane Tendo, his own imminent enslavement, sex as a cure for being blind, and the related fall of Japan. Would you happen to know...?"
Cologne frowned, and then decided to wait for her answer. With a grunt of annoyment, she figured it was going to be a while. It's hard for people to answer while uncontrollably laughing.
An hour later, there was a smiling Ranma, a massively confused Cologne, a face-faulted Tendo family (plus Nodoka and Mousse), a fallen-on-the-floor-from-laughing Akane, and one confused Ukyo.
"What is so damn funny?" she demanded.
Thirty seconds earlier.
Cologne had yet to get an answer from Ranma or Akane regarding the behavior of Kuno, for each time she began to ask, they'd start laughing. It was driving her mad not knowing about it. Her frustration was so consuming, and the entire event was so attention-grabbing, that she, nor anyone else, noticed Ukyo Kuonji walk straight into the room from the porch door until she sat right next to Ranma, threw an arm around him, gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and quietly apologized for what she'd done in the wedding.
"What?" she asked, noticing the way everyone else in the room had identical looks of sheer panic written across their faces. Next to her, she felt Ranma stiffen, then he slung his arm around her.
"Forgiven, Ucchan. No more of that from now on, right?"
"Of course, Ranchan."
Confidence of being the one he would choose soared at he left his arm around her shoulders, and moved to sit closer to her.
The sound of a room face-faulting caught her off-guard.
"What?"
Cologne was staring slack-jawed at her.
"What?"
Akane started laughing, something about being a sister to somebody.
"Whaaaat?"
"I'm hungry," Ranma said to no one in particular, and resumed eating his rice, slowly. Cologne started thumping her head against the table.
"Wrong," Cologne said. "Wrong, wrong, wrong."
"And is some one going to tell me why Ranma-honey is wearing a blindfold? Does the light hurt his eyes or something? Has he gone blind?"
For some damn reason Ukyo couldn't understand, Akane started laughing harder.
Seeing that no one was going to tell her what was so damn funny, Ukyo settled for glaring at the room.
Especially Akane.
"Sister!" she gasped between laughs. "Like a sister!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean, 'like a sister'?"
"Oh, I get it," Cologne said. "I see now. Like a sister. It's different. I see, I see..."
"See what?!" snapped Ukyo.
"... but that shouldn't be quite right, not according to the effects I mapped out..."
"What are you on about?!"
"... but I know I got it right according to what ingredients were missing..."
"Someone gonna answer me?!"
"... not like anyone else made more potions afterward, so I must have made a mistake..."
"Hello?!"
"... maybe I mixed up the amounts missing when I wrote them down..."
"Moshi-moshi?!"
"... have to do it again later..."
"I AM SPEAKING HERE!!"
"Will everyone who is finished with lunch please clear your dishes, and take them into the kitchen?" said Kasumi.
"AHHHH!!"
"Relax, Ucchan. I can hear your blood pressure rising."
"Ranma Saotome, what the hell is going on?!"
"She asked him!" giggled Akane.
Before Ukyo could ask what the hell that was supposed to mean, Ranma started talking, like he had no choice in the matter.
Of course, he really didn't.
"...and that's about where you came in and sat next to me."
It was half an hour later (Twenty minutes of which had been taken in telling what was wrong with Kuno. Ranma had to stop every few sentences. To laugh.), and Ukyo's face showed the fact that, if it wasn't Ranma telling her the weird story, she wouldn't have believed it. Ranma was just thankful he had managed to avoid the part about him and Akane admitting they loved each other, and about Kasumi in the dojo. Kasumi noticed.
"Dancing fingers," Kasumi accused, giggling at the notion of the foul sorceress Akane.
"Thirty seconds," Ranma shot back.
From the other side of the room, Cologne, and everyone else was rolling on the floor, trying to breathe around the laughter, except for Nodoka, who was calmly drinking her tea, with a smile that threatened to tear her head in half.
"Cat... demon..." wheezed Cologne.
"Foul... sorceress... Akane..." choked Nabiki.
"Master... master..." answered Mousse.
"Oh, Ranma-sama," they all called, and began laughing hard enough for tears to roll down their faces.
"Are we done laughing yet?" asked Ranma.
"Oh, Ranma-sama, forgive us for our petty laughter!" sobbed Kasumi, dropping to the floor in front of Ranma. "Please, forgive us, master. Master!"
The room roared again, and Soun started pounding on the table to keep from falling over.
"Don't tell me that's another daydream."
"Ok, I won't tell you."
Ranma sighed, with a slight blush. "You're disturbed, Kasumi."
"We have angered the Master! Forgive us, oh Demon Master!" Akane shrieked, pawing at Ranma's leg in a fake gesture of begging. "Master!"
"Master!" echoed Kasumi.
"Master!" echoed...
"That's not funny, mom!"
Once everyone had calmed down enough to breathe again, everyone set about to clearing their own dishes. No one seemed to mind, since it was helping Kasumi, and it is widely known that it is almost impossible to say no to her.
Cologne sat back down at the table with several scraps of paper, a small scale, and the spice box, which Mouse had once again provided from his robes. Inwardly, he was chuckling at what he knew was a futile effort to map out the potion, since he knew that the amounts in the bottles were completely wrong. Besides, who was he to correct a village elder? Not like she could hear him anyway, since she had stuffed her ears with cotton, to make sure that no distractions would throw her off, and thereby throw her calculations off. Kasumi went into the kitchen to clean the dishes, while Nabiki went out, loudly declaring her intention "to finally buy some FILM!!"
Soun had taken up a game of Shogi, and, since her husband was still upstairs, ah, resting, Nodoka had taken up the opposite side of the board, and Soun was delighted to discover that she was his friend's equal in both skill and the ability to sneak pieces onto the board whenever a distraction was handy.
And while she couldn't turn into a panda to hide it, she did seem to have the habit of stroking the handle of the ever-present katana whenever she was thinking about a move, which was just as attention-grabbing.
Like she was doing right now.
click click click
"Hmm?" Soun glanced back at the board, and found that there were three more pieces than there should have been.
"Nodoka-san, are you cheating?"
"On my husband's honor, I would never do such a thing!"
With a fried octopus dumpling halfway to his mouth, Soun's chin dropped as he blinked at her. After a moment, he composed himself.
"Nodoka," he said. "Are you aware that it is impolite to swear upon things that do not exist?"
"I thought you two were the best of friends?"
"He is my friend, and a powerful martial artist, but then again, when one considers the origins of the Umisen-ken and the Yamasen-ken..."
"The Saotome Forbidden techniques? They were sealed because of their power."
"They were made in order for Genma to steal things."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Perhaps you should ask your husband why those devilishly powerful techniques were made in the first place."
Nodoka's eyes narrowed. "Perhaps I shall." And when Soun cast an eye towards the stairs, she quietly slipped another piece onto the board.
Ukyo was waiting in the dojo for him, just like he asked. He'd told her that he had something important to say to her, and he'd accidentally let it slip that he had chosen. The meaning of which did not escape Ukyo. Though he wondered if she had taken it the wrong way when he'd said that he wanted to make sure that they were alone. She'd sounded kind of... giddy.
And now, standing at the doors of the dojo, Ranma really didn't want to go inside. He really didn't want to tell her about who he had chosen, and he really, really didn't want to break her heart, like he knew this conversation would. Which was also why he wanted to be alone for this. Though Ukyo might seem like the calmest of his fiancées, Ranma knew that she was really one of the most unexplainably violent. Akane's violence could be explained, Ukyo's could not. The wedding was proof of that, and if one needed more, all Ranma had to do was think of the number of times that she was the first one to draw her weapon and start talking about a fight. And there was the time when Shampoo started hating him with the hanten houjo, the turn-around jewel, when he had asked Ukyo if she loved him. Turning shy for a moment, Ukyo had said "Of course I-I l-l-love you" and had immediately proceeded to bash him around yelling at him about how dare he make a woman say that.
And now I'm out here stalling, Ranma thought. Coward, just go in there! Since when do I back down from a challenge? Right, that's all this is, just a challenge. Martial Arts Emotions or something.
He sighed, and stepped through the door, closing it behind him. The floor was squeaking, and her ki was compacted. Sitting on the floor, bouncing back and forth. Great. Guess she's excited.
He sat down a few feet from Ukyo, and looked in her direction.
"So, did you have something you wanted to tell me, Ranchan?" Her voice was so bubbly it made him think of Azusa. He half-expected her to name him something French and squeeze him.
"Yeah, Ukyo, I do." She didn't even seem to register that he'd said Ukyo instead of Ucchan. So much for setting her up for it. "But I also wanted to be... alone!!" Ranma jumped to his feet in a quick roundhouse. "Isn't that what I said, Akane?"
Akane seemed to just appear a few feet back from where Ranma's foot had passed, her pose indicating that she'd just jumped back to avoid being hit. Ukyo squeaked in surprise.
"Aww, how'd you know I was here?"
Ranma snorted. "You might be able to go unnoticed be most people, but any martial artist would be able to spot ya. Ukyo probably missed ya because she's not even paying any attention."
"What...?" Ukyo sputtered. "How...?"
"See, Akane? Your umisen-ken needs a lot of work. And I thought we agreed to master the basics before we tried the advanced stuff."
Akane stuck her tongue out at Ranma.
"And put that away."
Akane put her fingers in her mouth and stretched it out, leaving her tongue pointed at him. "Biiiii."
"Knock it off." But he couldn't keep the amusement out of his voice.
"Overpowered baka."
"Kawaiikune tomboy."
"Muscle-head."
"Weakling."
"Who are you calling weak, blind man?!" snapped Akane, as she dove at Ranma. He reached out an arm, and spun Akane in the air, tossing her towards the wall.
"And you still won't hit me!" Akane continued as she picked herself up and started throwing punches. "I thought we had gone over this already!"
"And I thought we said I wasn't going to!" Ranma said as he blocked Akane's punches.
"And I thought this was supposed to be a conversation between Ranma and me! So get the hell out of here so Ranchan can finish confessing his love for me!"
"Confess his love...? Ranma no baka, what's going on?" Akane looked up at Ranma.
"I think I gave her the wrong impression when I asked to talk to her," Ranma said, head tilting towards Akane, whom he had in a headlock.
"The wrong impression, Ranchan? Then what would be the right impression?"
Oh, man, she had to ask, thought Ranma as his mouth opened to answer his childhood friend against his will.
Kasumi had brought out some tea to Nodoka and her father, and was sipping it with them as she dispensed advice for both of them in relation to their current game of shogi. She had just given away her father's ploy to sneak a piece onto the board, when a loud crash came from the yard.
"I'd swear that was your son getting in another fight, but it doesn't sound violent enough," said Soun.
"Or his opponent died quickly," stated Nodoka.
"I'll see what it is," Kasumi told her father calmly, and walked quickly to the door. Open reaching the door, she blinked in surprise. Ranma was in the koi pond, floating on his, no, her back, and Akane and Ukyo were locked together, the battle spatula against Akane's mallet.
"Bitch!" spat Ukyo. "You can't have him."
"He's mine. All mine. He chose me!"
"He was supposed to choose me! I'm the cute fiancée!"
Ranma really didn't want to get out of the koi pond. Somehow, laying on in her back in the water seemed better than the alternative. And he knew Akane could win. Her skill had increased a lot, and her balance was getting a lot better. She still had at least a year of serious training before she could fight close to his level. Just because she knew things, didn't increase her strength or speed any. Well, she had gotten faster, but only because know she knew how to move. And she still had to be shown how to use her newfound skills properly. He sighed. Akane was holding back, and it was probably his fault. If she really had a 'Mental Ranma' it was probably insisting that hitting Ukyo was wrong. "I chose the beautiful fiancée over the cute one."
Both girls stopped and stared at Ranma.
"You think I'm beautiful?/You think she's beautiful?" they asked at the same time.
"Yes, and yes." He sighed again as the fight resumed. He had to give Akane something to overcome that voice telling her not to hit Ukyo, or they'd be here all day. He knew one thing, but he was going to hate himself for telling. But it was either Akane or Ukyo, and he'd already made that choice. And Ukyo had thrown in the final piece attacking him, then Akane.
"Akane?"
"What is it, Ranma?" muttered Akane through gritted teeth, as she dodged an attack from Ukyo's throwing spatulas.
"Ukyo knew about P-chan."
Both girls froze.
"What?" Akane said flatly.
"Um... Ranchan?"
"In that Tunnel of Lost Love, the one she and Shampoo dragged us to, the one with all those ghosts and stuff, she and Ryoga paired up so they could plot to break us up. When we were crossing that river in the boats, Ryoga got wet, and changed into P-chan. She helped him change back, and kept on trying to break us up and get you and Ryoga together. She's known ever since." Gomen, Ukyo. Sorry 'bout this.
Detachedly, as he felt Akane's battle aura flare up, Ranma thought that he'd need to build up Akane's ki reserves, too.
"You knew?!" she exploded. The look on Ukyo's face was all the answer she needed. Even as Ukyo opened her mouth to try for a denial, Akane's mallet found her ribs.
"I can't believe you knew about him and didn't tell me!! I'd have told you!!" She knocked Ukyo into the wall, leaving a crater behind. "He's mine! He chose me, not you, not Shampoo, not anyone else! Me! You here me?! Me! He's MINE!!" Her breathing slowed as she watched Ukyo try to pick herself up. "Get out of my yard."
"And you can come down from the tree, Konatsu, and help her," Ranma said.
There was a barely a sound as he hit the ground. "You knew about this, Mistress Ukyo?" the gender-confused ninja asked.
"I... was trying... to get... Ranma... anyway... I could," Ukyo gasped. "The little piggy... has a crush... on her."
"Had." Akane and Ranma corrected her simultaneously.
"Either way... you still... owe me... Ranma Saotome... I had to give up... my femininity for you... ten years... and for... the yatta..."
"You chose to give up being a girl for ten years, no one forced you to," Nabiki said from her window. She'd been watching the whole time, and had ruined one roll of film trying to speed load her camera. No pictures had been taken. "Did your father hold a knife to your throat for the ten years you searched for my sister's fiancée? Or was it your idea?" Ukyo was silent. "I thought so. And as for the yatta, I think the damage you caused with your stupid explosives at the wedding is a lot more than what that yatta cost you! And if you want to beat someone up over the engagement, then it should be Ranma's father! He's the one who engaged you! You really can't expect me to believe that Ranma knew what he was saying when he chose okonomiyaki over you; he was six! Ranma thinks with his stomach more than he thinks with his head!"
"Hey!"
"And even if you want to beat Genma Saotome for the engagement, you're too late. His mother has been beating him on a regular basis since after breakfast for most of the things Mr. Saotome has done since he took Ranma for his ten-year training trip. All in all, I think your debt has been paid. You there, the pretty ninja girl! Pick Ukyo up and get her off of my property!" And with that, Nabiki slammed her window shut, and returned to loading her camera with film.
Konatsu was blushing at being called pretty, something his mistress had never done. Ranma snorted. "Pretty ninja girl, she says..." she muttered.
"Well... Konatsu? Are you gonna... help me up... or not?
There was a pause, and Ranma listened for a moment. He chuckled loud enough for everyone to hear. "I don't think Konatsu wants to help you. He just doesn't know how to say no."
"I..." Konatsu glanced around, obviously agitated, and nervous. "I... I am... sorry, mistress." And with that, he launched himself up over the outside wall, and was gone.
There was a long silence, which was finally broken by Akane holding a hand out to Ranma. "You gonna lay in the water all day, femboy?"
Ranma grunted as he took Akane's hand in her gloved one. "No, it just seemed to be a better idea than gettin' out when I flew into it." Splash. "See?"
"You realize, of course, this means war," Akane said from her new position in the koi pond.
Ukyo limped her way out of the yard, casting one final look at the bickering couple. Couple, Ranma and Akane are a couple. It was supposed to be me. Now what am I supposed to do? Maybe I can talk some sense into Konatsu when I get home. He can be like... a rebound or something. If I can get him to dress like a man, that is.
Ranma sighed as her listened to the increasingly-distant sound of Ukyo's battle spatula hitting the ground as she used it as a cane to help her walk. "Poor Ucchan. She didn't deserve to have it thrown at her like that."
"If he knew about P-chan like that, which I know she did (and Mental Ranma says so, too), then she deserved to have it thrown at her by walking in on us in bed."
Akane grinned at the sputtering sounds Ranma started making.
"I meant sleeping, baka. Should I ask what you were thinking when I said that?"
"No! Don't!" Ranma's face grew to match the color of her hair.
"Uh-huh... so... Ranma... what was the first thing that came to mind when I said mmph!"
"Don't you dare!" Ranma shrieked as she clamped a hand over Akane's mouth.
"Hentai," Akane accused in a mock-angry tone, pouring water from a kettle over Ranma. She wrapped her arms around her fiancée, and settled into his chest. "But you're my pervert." She sighed in contentment as Ranma pulled her into the embrace.
"Just like you're my tomboy." Unseen to anyone, Ranma's eyes narrowed under his blindfold. Two down, Kuno and Ukyo. That just leaves Shampoo, Cologne, and that crazy Kodachi.
From the doorway, Kasumi backed slowly towards the game of shogi.
"What was it, Kasumi?" Nodoka asked.
"Just... just Ranma-kun practicing. He's very devoted about the Art like that," Kasumi said, forcing a smile.
"Very manly," Nodoka replied, and narrowed her eyes at the two pieces that seemed to have simply teleported themselves onto the board when her eyes had strayed to the eldest Tendo daughter.
Returning to the kitchen (almost stepping on an oblivious Cologne, who had not noticed anything, due to the cotton in her ears. She had, point in fact, almost been witness to the whole thing, when she had gotten up to go to the bathroom. It was also at that point that Mousse had switched out the amounts she had written down, to make her calculations accurate), Kasumi thought to herself, Maybe it would be best if I did not try to take Ranma-kun from Akane.
"A very good idea, Kasumi-san."
Jumping in fright, Kasumi landed, and came face-to-face with Mousse.
"Did... did I say that out loud?"
"Yes. And you're quite right. They love each other, and you saw what Akane just did to the first person who tried to come in between them. And that was Ranma's best friend, and even Akane considered her, well, friendly, despite the wedding disaster. She might not do the same to you, but..."
"She would still turn on me, yes, I know. My little sister's temper is... something to see."
"Indeed. I have been witness to it on several occasions."
"I just wish... I just wish there was something... something more..."
"Something more to life than what's right in front of you, everyday, not changing?"
"Yes. How did you know?"
"With the exception of a few... adventures, and fights with Ranma, my days run very much like yours, I believe. Cooking, cleaning, and caring for the others I live with. I have found myself often wishing for the chance to get out once in a while. Amazon I may be... sorry, might have been, but that doesn't mean I had to enjoy my pre-determined life as a male."
"My thoughts of those kind are more of a... recent idea."
Mousse smiled. "Well, then. Since we both seem to want to get out and away from the center of the Nerima universe that is Ranma Saotome, might this unworthy male ask the divine female head-of-house that is Kasumi Tendo to join me in my most humble attempts to find the optician that Nabiki Tendo has made an appointment for me at?"
Kasumi blinked, then giggled at Mousse's mock-humbling. "Oh, my, so forward! We've just met, and already you've moved and now we need to see a doctor! But I don't remember doing anything, have you been molesting me in my sleep?" Kasumi giggled again at the red-faced Mousse as he face-faulted his way to the floor.
With a large grunt of effort, Ukyo managed to get upstairs in her restaurant, still leaning on her battle spatula for support.
"Konatsu! Konatsu! Help me out here!" She needed some medical attention, dammit! And she didn't feel like doing it alone. But silence was all that greeted her yelling.
Dammit, he is not in his room sulking again!
"Konatsu! Help me get patched up!" she said as she limped down the hall. Jackass! Quit feeling sorry for yourself and help me!
"Konatsu!" she snapped as she yanked open his door.
The walls were bare, as they always were, but the closet door was open, and no clothes were inside. Konatsu's few possessions were missing from the room, and his futon was propped up against the wall, stripped of it's bedding.
"He... left me."
A/N
stretch pop
Ah, my blasted joints need a rest. Sorry about taking so long, but man, I just got huge writer's block trying to get the whole Ukyo scenes. That and I had to go research Konatsu, whom I remembered almost nothing about. As I have finally overcome my writer's block, and stayed up until right now, which is 4:40 in the morning, to finish this, I will be going to bed now. Oh, and in response to an e-mail I got, yes, I do take requests, if I deem them worthy, and I also take suggestions, if I like them. Be aware that they might not turn up in this story if you make one, because I have a dozen other's waiting for me to start on. I've just decided to finish this one before I start on anything else (one-shot's will be written at will, though). And also, yes, I've made mention of Dr. Tofu, and he will show up in a future chapter, complete with explanation of why he disappeared, and why he's back, and why he'd been avoiding the Saotome's and Tendo's Arigato for the reviews I know I will be receiving, or I'll have to sick both Ranma and Sagara Souske on you. Biiiii!