Hurting and Healing
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter character, I just like to use them.
Harry's POV
I stand here at King's Cross feeling betrayed and slightly empty. I know I pull away from my friends, but what do they expect, I just lost my godfather and found out that there is a prophecy saying that I'm the only one that can kill Voldemort. GODS, I'm just a training wizard what do they want me to do. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again if all they ever do is leave me to where I can see them or to where I cannot. I see my uncle standing there after Moody and the rest make their threats. All I know is that this summer is going to be the worst.
---
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all the way
But I remember everything
---
Vernon beat me again. It's like the twentieth time in only about ten days. This is turning out to be the worst year of my life. I started cutting myself, which then caused me to want to feel the pain from Vernon, hoping and praying that maybe he would finally finish the job that snake face has been able to do.
I have about ten cuts on each arm. Vernon and Petunia pretend that they don't notice, but they know that I'm not here fully. I see the looks that Vernon gives me when he finishes beaten me for the smallest thing. But the beatings have stopped being so violent and I'm back to cutting myself again. I hope the Ron and Hermione leave me be. I definitely hope that Ginny has finally gotten over that inane crush. It definitely will be interesting this year.
---
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
---
I stand here on the platform watching everyone say goodbye to their parents and younger siblings. I hate that everyone can be so happy, while I suffer through this ordeal alone. My destiny is to be alone. Maybe if Fudge is still in power when I finally maybe to kill Voldemort, that he'll send me to Azkaban. A life of solitude and pain. What I wouldn't give for that right now.
Here come the Weasleys. I wished that they would leave me alone and stay away from me. I don't need there pity for my loss or the unwanted sympathy. They mean nothing to me, so I walk away and ignore their demands for me to return. This is going to be a long year.
---
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I'm still right here
---
So sitting here at Gryffindor, I really wish that the old coot would hurry up and finish his speech so I can eat a few bites and leave. Please hurry. Please. I need to cut badly. The train ride, my so-called friends, and everything else is coming back. No emotions. I need to feel. I wish that I could be who I was but I'm no longer that person and do not care to be that person.
---
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
---
Severus' POV
I watch as the boy sits down with his friends but completely ignores them. I've seen the symptoms in some of my Slytherin students. Draco Malfoy, believe or not, cuts. He wouldn't lose control of his emotions the way that Potter does. I can see it in his eyes. He is itching for a blade. Probably thinking that the knife on the table would make a good substitute. I, myself, have also suffered through this period. It is that feeling of emptiness that Rudolph Lestrange played on in my seventh year, convincing me to join him. I'm glad that Albus, Minerva, and Poppy were there to pull me back from my edge before I fell to far over. Maybe I can save him or in the very least allow him to take his frustration out on something, be it me or something else. Anything but himself. I'll grab him after he leaves. I nodded to Albus and take my leave.
I'll wait for him and I'll make sure he knows that he is not alone no matter how lost he feels.
---
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
---
Harry's POV
Albus finishes and the food appears. I take a little of everything and eat it. Making excuses to my fellow housemates, I leave the table feigning tiredness. I make it around one corner before something grabs me and pulls me towards the dungeons. I see Professor Snape in front of me.
"Let me go," I pleaded with him. "Please, just let me go." I'm practically begging for him to let me go, although I know that it won't do any good.
"No, Potter, you're going to come with me and we are going to have an appropriate conversation," was all Snape said, before continuing to drag me down to the dungeons.
I try to get away from the surly Professor, but his grip is tight. I continue to fight him the entire way down. We come to a doorway I don't know. He knocks in a specific pattern and enters throwing me into the room. A whispered spell and I watch as anything sharp disappears.
"You can't do this!" I scream. "I need to…" Tears start coming down my face as I try and find a way to get out of the Professor's chambers and back to my own. I'm roughly pulled into a hug and I start crying for real. The kind of crying, which has probably been built up all my life, starts and I don't know if I'll ever stop. I'm crying into my most hated teacher's robes and he is letting me. His robes smell of the forest and it comforts me more than I ever thought anything could.
"It's okay, Harry, let it out," I hear him say softly. He said my name, maybe he…no, he definitely doesn't care. I jerk out of his grasp and back myself towards the nearest wall. I'm still crying and I don't think I can stop. All I want to do is to crawl back into his arms. "Just for now, Harry, pretend. Pretend I'm someone you have always wanted to hug you. Please, try for me," I hear him whisper. His arms are still open for me. I'll try.
---
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all the way
But I remember everything
---
Severus' POV
He made his way back to me and curled up in my embrace. His sobs are loud at times and silent at others. I just hold in a way I don't think that he has ever been held before. I whisper comforting words and tell him that all will be alright in time. I hold him until he has fallen asleep in my arms. I carefully carry him into my bedroom and lay him down. Leaving to get a blanket, he becomes agitated slightly and only calms down when I lay down next to him after I've tucked him in. He curls up against my side. I think that there may be hope to save him after all. I fall asleep knowing that there is hope.
---
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
---
Albus' POV
I received a quick note from Severus this morning telling me of the events of last night. I can only hope that Severus can help him since I lost him last year. Severus caught the signs and was able to start the healing process. All he asks of me is to take over his classes and to tell no one of where Harry is or why he was missing. It was Harry's decision. I fully agree and start to think of an excuse to tell the 6 Gryffindors coming up my stairs now to tell me Harry never returned to the dorms. Must think of something good and let Professor Snape know. "Come in, children."
Hermione came in followed by Ron, Ginny, Seamus, Dean, and Neville. "Sir, Harry didn't return to the dormitory last night. We have no idea where he is. The map is in his trunk but his trunk disappeared this morning."
"Not to worry, Miss. Granger, Mr. Potter is working on something right at my discretion," I say, watching as I now have everyone's interest. "He'll be back when he has finished and I can tell you nothing more. I will have to ask that you do not go looking for him and I'll need you all to promise me on that."
I hear a chorus of "I promise, sir," before I dismiss them to breakfast. I pen a short note to Severus about what I had told Harry's classmates and left for breakfast.
---
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I'm still right here
---
Severus' POV
I just sent the old coot a letter telling him where Mr. Potter is and why. I know Harry will feel betrayed by that but I also don't want his friends down here mucking up any progress I might make. He stirs as I muse and looks up at me with his green eyes. They are so much like his mother's, making me wish for my only friend. I watch as he panics, jumping up from the bed and practically backing up into my dresser. He accios his glasses and puts them on.
"Professor, what…how," he stammers trying to find the right question. I'll take pity on him for now and explain.
"Harry, you are here because I know that you are cutting yourself and I…"
I was cut off as Harry screamed, "How would you know? Has the old man been spying now? Does he not give me enough credit?" I watched Harry scream and rant for about two hours. I read the note that Albus sent. Fawkes' presence causing Harry's to start in on me. About not being able to keep a secret, about being prejudice, and about being a horrible teacher. He screamed and screamed until he could scream no more. I was ready with a throat remedy and some tea. He looks at the remedy, but swallows it and sips his tea. "How do you know?" His voice is small and child-like. He sounds nothing like the boy he was, like to boy he could be.
"I used to cut too, Harry," I tell him, quietly recounting the moments. He looked up sharply. "It was around the time that your mother started dating your father and in effect stole my only friend. It started small there and slowly built up. I believe it hit its peak right before I turned from Voldemort and towards Albus. You can find a release that does not require cutting yourself." I slowly walk towards him and take him into my arms. He curls around me, just taking in the comfort. It's the first step to having him back where he was, accepting comfort when it is freely given. "Now let's start by talking about what caused this and why you continue to do this."
---
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
---
Harry's POV
It has been two weeks since Severus brought me down to his rooms and started to heal me. I owe everything to him for helping me when no one else noticed. He says that I'm ready to go and be with my friends. I'm not sure that I am, I know that I won't be comfortable, but maybe I'll able to. One never knows. I can always come to him since he stopped going to the Dark Lord to take care of me. He was punished, the night that Voldie got his letter, through his mark. I stayed with him and comforted him, telling him that life will move on, that we will make it. He's like the father that I should have had, probably, maybe, would have had, but I have him now. And for that I'm thankful.
I leave Severus' rooms and head towards Transfiguration. No one knows that I'm rejoining my fellow classmates again, so everyone is in for a surprise. I slowly open the door, hearing Professor McGonagall pause in her lecture. "Sorry, I'm late. It took me a while to get ready." I see McGonagall smile and wave me over to an empty chair next to Hermione, who is beaming at me. As the professor continues the lessons, I look around to see that everyone has changed. Some for the better, e.i. Hermione, and some for the worst, need I say any name, Malfoy. Hehe, I feel so good to be back in class.
It's been a month since I left the sanctuary of Severus' rooms and this is the first time that I wish that I hadn't left.
"You can stay away from Hermione, you freak," Ron yells at me, hitting me in front of everyone in the great hall. "She is mine and I won't have you touch her." The rest of my dorm mates are backing Ron up. I'm already on the floor from his hit, so I didn't think that I could feel any lower and those two statements really made me. I love her, I would do anything for her. She not here right now, but I saw Ginny leave after Ron hit me. She'll know that I can't do anything. I couldn't stand up for myself let alone her. I feel tears forming at my corners of my eyes. For the first time in three weeks I feel like cutting to get rid of the empty feeling that Hermione won't want me, that I'm not strong enough to stand up for her.
"Mr. Weasley," I hear McGonagall say, "how dare you attack a fellow student. Fifty points from Gryffindor and two months detention with filch."
"No Hogsmeade Visitation," Severus said coming up next to my head of house. Ron huffs leaving the Great Hall, all of my dorm mates following him. I feel Severus' arms come around me and I feel at peace. I no longer want to cut but to cry them out. He helps me to my feet. I hear him whisper something to Minnie, she says that I'm aloud to call her her given name, who whispers back in the affirmative.
Severus leads me back to the dungeons places me on couch. He orders tea and situates himself behind me, hugging me to me him. There's a knock on the door and he grants them entrance. I'm still crying into Severus' arms trying to get it all out of my system now, so I miss who has come in.
"Harry?"
---
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
---
Hermione's POV
I've decided to skip dinner to finish my research paper for Professor Snape, who thank god came back to teach. Not that I don't like Professor Dumbledore, but the man does not know potions. Ah, the book I was looking for.
Ginny comes running in looking for and tells me that Ron just slugged Harry because said that he liked me. I follow her back to the Great Hall. Can he really like me? I mull this over while we run to the hall. It keeps repeating until we run into Professor McGonagall. She asks me to come with her, that it concerned Harry. She told Ginny to go back to the dorms and do her homework, that this didn't concern her. I shrug my shoulders and follow her to the dungeons. She knocks on this door in the middle of a deserted hallway. I follow her in and see Harry curled up in Snape's lap, crying.
"Harry?"
He jumps, or would have jumped out of the potion master's arms had the said potions master not have such a good grip. "Hermione?" he whispers brokenly.
---
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all the way
But I remember everything
---
Harry's POV
I see Herm standing there in the doorway with Minnie and realize what Severus whispered to her. Minerva leaves and Severus gets up and goes into his lab. I stare at Hermione for a few minutes before I look down at the ground.
"Harry, what happened?" Hermione asks me, as she moves closer to hug me.
I move away from her a little. I don't think that I could get anything out if she was any closer. "I told Ron that I liked you more than a friend and he punched me and told me to stay away from you. That you were his." She gingerly touched the bruise that has started to form.
She leans over to hug me and whispers, "I like you too, Harry," before hugging me. I wrap my arms around her tightly. I have to tell her about it, it's the only way to clear the air around us.
"I'm going to tell you why I miss the first two weeks of school," I started. She takes my hand and encourages me to go on. "I started cutting myself shortly after Sirius died. I couldn't take the empty feeling of causing another person that I knew and cared for to died by him and his henchmen. I should have told and I'm sorry. Severus has been helping me stop."
Hermione smiled through the tears that I can see in her eyes. "Oh, Harry, I'm so glad that you're getting better." She hugs me again, but this time as she lets go, Hermione kisses me softly on the lips. We both pull back in surprise before leaning in again. We end up exploring each other's mouths until Severus comes back in.
"Please refrain from doing that in my rooms at all. You're going to defile my rooms by causing images to pop up in my mind at random times," Severus sneers, coming into the room fully. I laugh as Hermione blushes and apologizes. I just smile at Severus, who smiles back, and tell him that we're going to head back to the dorms. He touches my shoulder before I leave and tells me that he will always be there for me. I hug him before I leave hand in hand with my love and head back to the common room.
Hermione never lets go of my hand, even as we go into the Gryffindor common room. Of course, Ron is there with everyone else, complaining about the injustice of it all, when he spies us walking in. "I thought I told you that you were to stay away from my girl," Ron growls, jumping up and coming over to us. "Hermione, get away from the freak." He grabs her other hand and pulls her away from me. She winces at the pull and I snap.
"Get off of her. Can't you see that she doesn't want you, you pathetic piece of shit?" I scream this at him. He is so startled that he instantly drops her hand and backs away. Hermione wraps her arms around my middle. "If you have a problem with this, Weasley, then I suggest that you pull your head out of your ass and tell me. If not then don't say that I didn't warn you." I guide Hermione out as I leave Gryffindor tower. Somehow we end up in the Astronomy Tower. "I'm sorry if I or he hurt you," I whisper lowering my head to stare at the floor.
Hermione gently placed her hand on my chin and raised my head, "You didn't do anything that I'm not proud of Harry. You are finally back to resembling the boy I first met and the man that I've fallen in love with. You have this combination of good and bad that is so equal that any person would and should be thankful that you are their friend. I love you, Harry James Potter and never forget it."
I stare at her dumbly for about a minute before I shake my head slightly, "I love you too, Hermione Anne Granger. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you or anyone else, but I hope you can understand that I'm still healing and it might take a while."
"Take as long as you need. I just want you to be happy," Herm whispers against my lips as we lean in to kiss.
We stayed there until around dawn when we came down, only to accosted by Severus and Minerva. Both yelling at us for being out of the dorms all night, worrying both of them. Severus told Minerva to take Herm back to the dorms saying that he wanted to talk to me. I kiss her on the cheek and let Minerva take her back. Severus turns towards me smiling with me before it turns to a frown.
---
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
---
Severus' POV
"I hope that I have taught you enough that you will be able to win against the Dark Lord, because he is going to come for you soon," I tell him. Although I still see the light in his eyes, his smile turns into a frown. "You will be able to win if you believe in yourself and the love of the ones around you. You have the love of Hermione, first and foremost, then Minnie and I. We will be there for you battling right next you."
Harry smiles, "Thank you, Father."
---
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I'm still right here
---
Harry's POV
"Thank you, Father."
Severus' jaws drop as I said the last statement. He gathered me up in a hug. I hug him back just as hard. "No, thank you, Harry."
I stare into his eyes and think that I'm in a position to where I could do anything, properly trained, with them by my side. Maybe just maybe I will make it and save the people that need saving and save the ones that will need it. I allow Dad to walk me back to the common room, where I know that Herm is waiting for me. My life has finally found a nitch and I am lucky to have found it.
---
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
---
Song: "Hurt" by Johnny Cash
AN: Please review and let me know what you think.