Jolie

I guess I should start out by saying my name is Jolie McNamarra. This is actually my first complete whole year at Horizon. I entered it when I was fourteen and now I am fifteen. I know that things have been rough for me here, but I learned to adapt to them. I know that I may be a tenth grader, but I think everyone that attends our school is a bit more mature and grown up then the rest of the students at Anges High.

A little bit about me? Well I grew up in Manhattan, New York with my father. Because my mother abandoned me on a city corner when I was five. I never saw her until I was thirteen either. But when I was little I was always into music and dance. Since I have never been good at academic work. I even got to dance for the New York Rockettes at the Radio City Music Hall.

Well one day my father and I were joking around. It was around my Uncle Rodney's birthday so we were walking to his apartment after work. It was always a tradition of ours since he had no family but his girlfriend and it was always my father and I. Nothing real special. But he came and picked me up from my school. Which was Saint Charles school for gifted children. Basically a school where students can participate in what they are good at and through that concentrate on the school work that needed to be accomplished.

Well my father and I were walking home from school, when we started to make fun of each other and push each other around. Well I guess I pushed him to hard and he fell into the street where no one really saw it coming not even me. A car pinned him against another. He died a little later at the hospital when they promised me that everything was going to be okay. I spent the entire time there wondering why I did it.

My father was my best-friend. He was the only one that I could run home to and talk about my day with. He loved me more then anything else. He promised to be there with me every moment of my life. And then I killed him. I should have never pushed him. I mean it was only a game but it should have never happened. The funny thing was that my mother only wanted to know if she got any money. Not even concerned with me. Only thing that she got was me. That and I was the person who was in charge of my father's partnership in his business and got all of his money.

Well three weeks after my father's death I came to live with my mother. Things at first seemed to be going great, but it didn't end up that way. She had married a man more then half her age older. He had four sons. The are Mark, Shayn, Kelly, and Lance. I thought it may be better then being an only child. If you could only know how many silent screams that I had screamed due to their pain that they have placed on me. Made me scared of the dark. Not letting me breathe. Why? I always asked myself. Was I child that at thirteen needed to know what it was like to be raped? It was my birthday. What did I ever do to have them hurt me so much? I tried to change but I couldn't my father brought me up better then that. But when he, my step-father joined in it hurt even more. I cried so many nights. Afraid that that door was going to open. It was a guessing game who was going to be next. Silently I screamed for help as I clutched my pillow case for comfort.

I didn't know what else to do but run. I would be away for weeks before they noticed I was gone or reported me gone. I sold myself on the streets. No one knows that, because I can't tell them. They will hurt me or look at me differently. I am sorry Adriane and Curt. But that's my secret. I don't know if I am diseased or not. I'm scared but I can't tell you guys. So I will write it and express it. That might help.

My counselor at my high school told my mother about Horizon and I was sent here. Guess what I love it here. I have a new life. People who care. I do lash out when I don't know how to express how I am feeling. But that is me. Well enough about my life. I guess it is time for my letter to myself.

Dear me,

I want to tell you that you are the best person that your father loved. He loved you more then anything in the world Jolie. Understand that. I know you do. You understand more then you know. You didn't kill him and never blame yourself. It was proven that he was drunk. The driver of the car. You know that. You will learn to trust your heart to someone. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But you will I promise you. Who better to believe then yourself.

Lets start out with your mother and your step-family. It wasn't your fault. Get that. You played the cards that you were dealt. You played a great hand. Guess what they are all in jail now Jolie. You got them what they deserved.

Allow yourself to open up to people okay. Curt. He isn't that bad. He is a male, but guess what he protected you. Why is it that I need to convince you that you are you. Jolie allow them in. Adriane, Curt, Cal, everyone. Jolie let them in. I don't know what you are doing. Stop putting up the wall that you are okay. You aren't. You need their help. Just let them do that. They aren't going to leave. If they do, they will come back. Jolie even if they go, it isn't your fault.

I think all I have to tell you: Stop being so hard on yourself. Just stop. I don't know what else to say. Actually I do. Jolie I love you. You don't hear it enough. I think you deserve to. That is all I have to say. I don't really understand the assignment so I will just end it here.

I love you,

Jolie

PS: Give people a chance, they deserve to know you.