Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Due to the major, cough cough, success of "Drunk" we thought we would do another story. Thank you to all our friends, minions, slaves, Altar Servers, Altar Guards and fans of the huge hit "Drunk". You guys are gold! Well not literally. It's more of a metaphorical expression.
The conversations in this particular story are best read aloud in song. If you want you can even do a different voice for each character!
Disclaimer: We recently acquired POTO on Ebay for a great price! Okay, so we sort of tortured it out of Joel Schumacher and Andrew Lloyd Webber. More like threatened, actually. But we didn't threaten Joel Schumacher and Andrew Lloyd Webber to their faces – it was more quiet mutterings of how we'd LOVE to own POTO (or POO for some people) behind Joel Schumacher and Andrew Lloyd Webber's backs. So technically we don't own POTO, we just want it. Badly. Does anyone have a completed super weapon? Ours isn't finished yet…
No fops were mortally injured during the making of this chapter, unless it was for research. If they were – they're bodies have been cut up into little pieces, burned and buried under a road. So don't worry!
RAOUL BASHING!
This story is called:
Musical Escapades
But may also be known as:
In which we Begin Another Amazing Adventure with Death and Destruction, who May or May Not Appear in this Chapter or Any Others For That Matter, Christine Mysteriously Uses a Toilet WITHOUT Any Toilet Paper in It, Raoul the Fop is Stepped on, Meg Appears at the Wrong Moment and Christine is Lead to the Secret and Extremely Cool Lair Through an Amazingly Overlooked Secret Passage…and Throughout the Entire Chapter, most Characters usually speak in Song, as is Tended to Happen in Musicals…
(DD- 'When is it going to start! I'm tired of watching commercials and credits!' Death - stuffs Destruction's mouth full of popcorn 'Shut up and watch the movie! It's about to start!'crackling noises and slurping from behind them Death: pulls out longbow 'Right, who did that?' DD: pulls out bazooka from coat and loads it, balancing it on the seat behind her 'Moohahah!' dead silence Death: 'T'hat's what I thought!' both weapons slowly and disappointedly put away)
...Crickets...
Raoul was running around the Opera House on some kind of non-essential errand, singing to himself, which was quite a common occurrence so the staff had learned to overlook it and not stare at him strangely. They just blocked their ears and stared at the ground. Raoul thought they were just overcome with empathy and really felt his songs; even when they didn't make sense.
Suddenly he spotted a mirror and halted immediately stopping to check his appearance and make sure his hair was securely tied in its ribbon. When he wasn't satisfied with his look he took his hair out, fluffed it around for a bit and retied it. He had been there for about ten minutes when he spotted Christine entering a door behind him.
The fop immediately took this as a chance to try and woo her so followed behind the young opera singer. Unfortunately she had entered the women's bathroom and was already locked inside a cubicle. The bathroom was quite a nice place – it even had a high ceiling with wooden beams perfect for running across in a big, black cloak and a mask. Raoul had neither, so ignored it and instead stood outside Christine's cubicle.
"Christine," he sang, "What are you doing?"
"I'm in the toilet Raoul, my love,"
Christine replied, also singing, because of course they were opera singers. Or at least Christine was. Or shall become extremely shortly. Singing came as sort of a second language to singers.
"Do you really want to know?"
Raoul blanched, "Ah, no! That's alright, Christine, my darling!"
He was about to back away when Christine suddenly called out horrified.
"Raoul! Raoul! I need some toilet paper! Oh dear me!"
Raoul decided that he could still woo her. With toilet paper!
"What type would you like…Christine, my darling?"
"Maybe some Kleenex, or perhaps Rolly…I can't decide!"
Raoul raced around the other cubicles trying to find the desired paper, which was as useful as teaching a cheese weasel to dance.
"I can only find Home Brand! Oh dear me…Christine my darling."
He cried out through the door, only to be spurned.
"I'm allergic! What were you thinking! Go and by more, Raoul! NOOOWWWW!"
Raoul was almost crying by the time she finished on an extra high note, which Christine held for almost a minute. Whether he was crying out of sorrow or pain will never be found out – it could be both. Fop.
"Please, forgive me Christine, my darling! I'll go and buy the best for you!"
"You better!" Christine warned,
"Or I'll call Erik! Yes I'll call Erik! And he'll pound your foppish aaaaasssss!"
Obviously, Christine wasn't happy with Raoul. You could also deduce that the terribly high note she finished on was horrifying and punishment for our sensitive fop enough. Our gentle audience must remember, that this was after the lovely performance where Christine was dressed up as a snowball and sang that delightful song about people loving each other and remembering each other and various other lines we couldn't hear or understand. Or indeed bother to remember.
"Hold on Christine, my darling!" sung Raoul, trying to save his foppish ass,
"I'll be back in a minute!"
The elevator and "call waiting" music we all know so well was put on, booming from the hidden speakers the Phantom had hidden somewhere in the ceilings for such purposes. We don't want the waiters feeling BORED now do we?
Several minutes later
Raoul returned to the bathroom several minutes later as he just couldn't resist that new ribbon! It was the perfect length! So he bought it in five different colours.
"I'm back!" He called out to Christine,
"Christine, my darling! I have Rolly! Lots and lots of Rolly! Rolly!"
Christine was overjoyed, "Oh, thank God! I've had to hold on!"
Raoul situated himself outside her cubicle and held up a roll of toilet paper.
"Here it comes, over the top! Be prepared, Christine, my darling!"
Immediately following this statement came a rather loud chorus of randoms, whose voices came out of nowhere and disappeared just as quickly.
Randoms: "Yes, our teeth and ambitions are bared! BE PREPPPARRRREEED!"
Raoul threw the roll of paper with a strange wrist-flicking technique that flung the paper at the door. It then rebounded off the door at around shoulder height.
"Raoul that was a girly throw! You missed…by a mile!"
Christine could never give up being an opera singer and become a cheerleader. She just didn't have it in her.
"#$&!" Raoul shouted.
He must have Christine wooed soon! Or that freaky Angel of Music would corrupt her!
"I mean, here it comes again Christine, my darling! Be prepared!"
Immediately the random voices came back, as though summoned by a mysterious and all-powerful force.
Randoms: "I know that your powers of perception…are as wet as a warthog's backside. But thick as you are PAY ATTENTION! My words are a matter of pride!"
Raul missed again and Christine felt inclined to point out this fact as if it wasn't obvious to everyone.
"Oh Raoul! You missed again!"
She suddenly had an idea!
"Look, just come in and give it to me or we'll be here forever!"
"Good idea Christine, my darling!" he sung.
But then again, he's almost always singing isn't he. Strange fellow…
"Shall I keep my hand at the level of my eyes?"
"I think that's a good idea Raoul, my love! Jolly good!"
Before anyone else figures it out, no, "jolly good" is not a French expression. Why use it then, you ask? Dunno. The authoresses are Australian.
Raoul hid his eyes with the hand that was holding the paper and opened the door with the other. It creaked mysteriously. The hand that is – Raoul must have arthritis from all the cheque signing that he does.
(We can't describe to you the scene in the cubicle in much detail because that would gross you out and up the rating considerably. We also never did look in the cubicle. For mind health reasons, you see.)
Raoul kept muttering to himself as he slowly and dramatically opened the door.
"I'll keep my hand at the level of my eyes…my hand at the level of my eyes…By God Christine…my darling! Quick! Take it! Before I faint!"
Raoul fainted and fell to the floor of the cubicle at Christine's feet. She quickly moved her feet further away from the disgusting (and now germ covered) fop.
"Raoul! Raoul! Wake up!" She…sung.
"Oh fine, but remember to keep your hand at the level of your eyes!"
Voices in the background murmured, "Level of your eyes, your eyes, eyes." It seemed the random choir was back with a vengeance, seeing as how the fop was now down for the count.
Christine shrugged and covering her hand with toilet paper, placed Raoul's hand over his eyes.
Suddenly, and quite inexplicably the Phantom of the Opera Overture played loudly, seemingly coming from the ceiling. Probably from the speakers, I'd imagine. Unless of course there's an organ and an orchestra hidden up there. The Phantom is a sneaky fellow. We can't put anything past him. Not even stretching over him to put letters in a postbox. No indeed. Nothing can be put past this man.
Christine sung loudly, "The Phantom of the Opera is here! Inside the bathroom!"
She paused. Somehow that line would never sound as impressive and Gothic as "inside my mind." But one must make allowances for the circumstances. They are, indeed, in a bathroom.
The random voices in the background sung softly, "Inside…the bathroom!"
The pause seemed to indicate they didn't think it was quite as impressive either.
A deep, scratchy and really quite scary voice shouted, "Sshh! Turn down the music! Sssh! I'M TRYING TO BE SUBTLE! I have no chance of being subtle with this overture following me around! The kitchen, the bedroom and now the toilet! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!"
His tone of angsty tortured anger had quite a remarkable effect. The overture was instantly turned down and a record player suddenly, and quite inexplicably, fell from the shadows that darkened the ceiling and hit the floor with a loud crash, smash and flash.
A distinct voice muttered, "Shite." And another said, "Well that was nuss!" (Look down bottom for definition of nuss to our unwary viewers)
Christine and the owner of the deep, scratchy, scary voice disregarded it since strange voices were an everyday occurrence around the Opera Populaire. Raoul disregarded it because, well he was still unconscious.
The Phantom, complete in his mask and big, black cloak (which allowed him to run along the rafters) leaped down from wherever he was hiding and stood on Raoul as if he wasn't there. He was obviously trained on how to act in public well.
"Hello, Christine."
The voices in the background returned once again,
"Christine, Christine, Christiiine…"
The Phantom snapped his gaze to wherever the random voices were hiding.
"Shut up," he said irritably. Not singing, amazingly.
"Shut up, shut up, shut uuuuuppppp…"
The Phantom growled. There was a collective, though rather musical gulp from the random voices and they were silent. Apart for the odd cough, sneeze and snoggly sound that always issues from choirs in between songs, of course.
Raoul was awake now, having been disturbed from his dream about bunnies and cheese weasels by the nice man standing on top of him, that nice man that also happened to be mildly psychotic, amazingly handsome and extremely intimidating. Oh, he was also the evil and deadly and mysterious Phantom of the Opera, of course.
"Aaahh!"
Raoul screamed in a high-pitched voice,
"I'm being squashed by a masked madman!"
Yes indeed, dear friends. Raoul was still singing, which is quite clever, as the Phantom was still standing on his diaphragm.
The Phantom replied, "Shut up, fop."
And stamped his steel toed boots on a rather sensitive male place. Raoul started crying.
Fop.
Meg, a young blonde girl, who is randomly introduced in the beginning and no one has ANY idea who she is, entered. Because you can't rely on Madame Giry's introductions. Woman's got a voice like a bad French-accented, decapitated chook. Yes, Meg then entered, seemingly not noticing the Phantom of the Opera or the squished fop underneath him.
"Where in the world have you been hiding? Really you were perfect! I only wish I knew your secret! Who is your great teacher?"
The Phantom managed to strike a pose and flash a cheesy smile in her direction while standing on Raoul. Said fop was still crying.
Christine took Meg's hands in her own,
"Meg, you're in the wrong scene! I'm on the toilet in case you haven't noticed!"
Meg looked around and nodded her head, bobbing up and down like a mating pigeon until Christine grabbed her head in both hands and stopped her,
"Sorry…I'll just wait outside…"
The Phantom, upset that he hadn't been noticed, sung scathingly,
"You do that."
Sung scathingly. Say that out loud, readers. Sounds impressive, don't it?
Meg then noticed just who else was in the bathroom with her and Christine, except for Raoul because he wasn't at eye level,
"The Phantom of the Opera is there!"
Everyone else (including Raoul who squeaked, rather than sung) sung,
"We know!"
Meg agreed, "Oh. Okay, that's basically my entire job in this musical – pointing him out when it's obvious and commenting on your outfit! I'll just GO then!" Meg walked outside in a huff. Or rather accompanied with a huff. Or expelling a huff as she did so. Or maybe it followed her out? We may never know…
Erik suddenly asked Christine,
"Are you past the point of no return? Have you finished yet? I'd wait outside but the fop is blocking the door!"
This, for future reference, was sung very strongly and well, putting Raoul's voice to absolute shame.
"Shut the door!" she sung to him in reply,
"Angel of Music, you delight me – just not now! I have to go!"
"Rightio then! I know when I'm not wanted!"
Sung the Phantom, dragging Raoul out and shutting the door.
Christine was ever thankful,
"Thank you so much, Angel of Music! My protector! Etc, etc, etc!"
What? It rhymes with protector, doesn't it?
She then sighed in relief. You may draw your own conclusions.
The Phantom and Raoul soon shouted/sung,
"By God Christine ("my darling", added Raoul just to annoy the Phantom) What are you doing?"
"Erm…nothing!" Christine said loudly. Some strange noises and groans then came from the cubicle. Not a pretty site in there!
Raoul called out to her, holding his nose,
"Christine, Christine, don't think that I don't care but every deodorant and toilet cleaner should be used on you now!"
Fop, yes he is most definitely a fop.
Erik was trying to hold his nose through his mask;
"I'll see you at six in the sewers or rather, underground canals to make it sound more impressive! My laaaair to be exact! I'll even come and pick you up!"
Christine responded, "I'll be there my sexy tutor…I mean Angel of Music…la la…"
Raoul objecting to the 'sexy tutor' business, said "Hey!" and walked into a door, dropping unconscious. Erik sniggered for a moment, swirled his cloak (a very good cloak swirl too) and disappeared.
Meg burst in again, slamming Raoul behind the door and against the wall, which appeared to be painful from the way he was crying again.
"The Phantom of the Opera is…not here! Damn!"
Christine and Meg walked back from the toilets towards the back stage area. Meg began to sing again and Christine could do nothing but listen. Well actually she could do many things but only one at a time. Not very good at multi-tasking, this one.
"Your face! Christine, it's white! You're wearing a white dress with…ooh…I don't know, cream lace. Nice stockings. Your hair is out and your eyes are brown! You're about…ye high and weigh…I'm not sure…fifty kilos…maybe more! Your legs are stumpy. You're going to get a pimple soon – use Clearasil! Your nose is slightly curved and you have a rather dumb expression. Your intelligence must be fairly low seeing as you're a ballerina and also dumb enough to run off with your hot Angel. Oh, Raoul is a fop!"
Christine then began to sing about her Angel of Music,
"Angel of Music, he's so sexy! I only heard his voice for many years! Who is this Angel whom I reckon is my dead father?"
"Who is this Angel? This Angel of Music?" Meg sang with gusto. She doesn't get to sing a lot though, so we shall forgive her for the time being.
"Obviously I'm not coping with his death!"
Christine looked rather thoughtful, hungry, sad and murderous all at the same time.
"I think you're quite obsessed…"
"He's all around me!"
"You're starting to scare me!"
"Hi daddy! What's up?" sung Christine, to her shadow.
"Oh God! She's insane!"
"I need to sneeeeeze!"
And with that horrifying last high-pitched note from her obviously schizophrenic friend, Meg ran off to some other place in the Opera Populaire. Christine gushed a mighty, "ACHOO!" and stood still, wondering where the heck she was.
A voice sung out from the darkness,
"Christine – your Angel of Music is here! Come to your Angel of Music!"
Christine shook a Rolex out of her puffy sleeve. "Six already?"
The Phantom, because of course it was he, led Christine through the kitchens, while holding onto her hand, never letting her go since he knew her weakness with parfait. The cooks looked at them strangely but he knew he could kill them later. Christine followed him with her mouth slightly open, a vacant expression on her face similar to the one she usually wore. She didn't actually look very pretty, smart or deserving of his attention. Erik waved an arm around blindly, trying to see through the fog that had randomly appeared all of a sudden. However, he was undeterred. Fogs were no match for swirly black cloaks and white masks. Or so he thought.
Erik hummed the Overture while groping around for the door to the pantry. Having found it, he led Christine into the pantry and looked around the various foodstuffs. "I could have sworn it was here somewhere! Ah! Here we go!"
He pulled on a saltshaker with large skull designs on it and the floor disappeared.
As they were falling the Phantom shouted, "There was supposed to be stairs!"
Christine, not having an intelligible or intelligent answer to this, merely screamed.
DD: That sucked!
Death: You helped write it!
DD: I did? Then it was stupendous! I always knew it would be a hit!
For our unwary viewers, Nuss means nothing suss in a more compact and paper-saving way.
The end! A one-shot? Another chapter? The choice is up to you! But you can only make that choice if you review! Also, "Drunk" fans may suggest themes for the upcoming chapters of "Drunk" either in this story or in a "Drunk" review. Thanks for reading!
From your masters or rather mistresses Death and Destruction.
BTW, if anyone wants to become Official Minions of Death and Destruction Co, with a separate job for Death minions and Destruction minions, you may apply within a review. Death's minions shall be named: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Destruction's minions: The Legions of Terror. On that note, all Horsemen MUST have a horse, otherwise they wouldn't be horsemen. The horse must have a long name and short one. For example, Death's black horse is called Eve of the Apocalypse and, for short, Bob.
To apply, simply answer these simple questions:
What is your name? (must be a cool one worthy of mention within the ranks of the Horsemen or theLegions of Terror.Long unintelligible drabblish names are acceptable. We have a few ourselves.)
What is your purpose on this earth? (must have something to do with death, destruction and general havoc and chaos. No fops need apply. Ones with sensitive stomachs need not apply either.)
What is your weapon of choice? (must be skilled in the manipulation of this weapon. Weapon must be impressive-looking. Note: Suicide bombers aren't considered impressive. The weapon can be anything EXCEPT gas chambers, giant nuclear warheads capable of taking out Planet Earth or the super weapon we are constructing as we speak...)
What makes you want to wrench someone's head off and feed it to them? (must be an imaginative answer. None of this "sympathy for others" and "noble self-sacrifice". Must be written with passion and true anger.)
Are you a spork worshipper and do you think giant stingrays are cute? (two random questions that have quite a lot to do with Death and Destruction's interests and not a lot to do with being a minion. So act interested and properly respectful.)
Do you have a witty or amusing quote you quote regularly at opportune moments?
(can be anything. Take inspiration from Destruction's favourite quote: "Are you dead yet?" and Death's favourite quote: "Never underestimate the power of the insane." Note: these quotes are copywrited and cannot be used as a quote.)
Can you laugh evilly or do you require lessons? (Laughing evilly is quite fun and rather intimidating. Those who require lessons will be instructed on how to laugh/snigger/cackle/chuckle evilly and yet remain aware of their surroundings - an important part. Many an evil person has beeen thwarted while laughing evilly and not noticing the change in their surroundings.)
We shall judge accordingly and either add you to our ranks OR blow you up.
Have a nice day.
Death and Destruction Co.