This is written by one of my friends, but since I'm her editor, she wanted me to post this online so other could read and review...Sarah (the writer) would appreciate a review of her writing, suggestions of what she could add or change or just something that will help her become a better writer...thanks!
Rain pelts down from unto the heavens, and a dark figure splashes through the muddy mountain trial, desperately trying to get away. Not far behind, a small arsenal of soldiers chases it down with skidding horses that struggle in their gallop to catch up with the figure.
Reaching the peak of the cliff, the figure comes to a skidding halt, barely stopping before the edge ended. Wide, fearful, yellow eyes turn to the arsenal of soldiers behind. The strong winds pick up, and the figure's cloak is blown away, revealing a young maiden. Her thick, raven purple hair stuck to her soaked head, neck, and back.
"Kirlia Garnet!" The commander shouts over the pouring rain. "Surrender yourself and return that which you have taken! Perhaps Trout will be more merciful in your sentence if you return by your own will, than in chains!"
Kirlia's yellow eyes burned red with fury. "You've diluted yourself, sir! Trout wouldn't show mercy to an infant that he has charged!" She takes a step backward.
"Surrender yourself!" The commander shouts, somewhat desperate. "I will have you killed!" In the darkness of the stormy night, Kirlia smirks. Her yellow eyes glinting, she counters. "I can't let that happen now can I?"
She sheaths a pair of six-inch daggers, one with her family crest molded onto bronze that bore a silver chain that dangled. The other, the same, except that there was a deep and wide incisions where the crest should be, and there was no chain. "The only way you and your 'army' would ever catch me, is if I was dead."
The commanding guard did not take to this remark well. However, before he could issue a command, Kirlia Garnet back flipped off the cliff.
As she falls towards the thick and heavily shaded Mechria Forrest, she strikes the muddy mountain slope with her late father's daggers. It slows her falling speed considerably. Smirking, she looks up. She was only half way down, but the commander was not joking or lying when he said he would kill her. Her smirk quickly fades; she sees three blazing arrows pointed down at her. This being the last thing she wanted to do, she dug her feet into the muddy slope, forcing herself to a stop. Now braced against the cliff, she thrusts off taking both daggers with her. Closing her eyes, she gives herself to gravity.
The commanding guard emerges from Trout Manor exhausted, flustered, and just slightly pissed. He had been 'discussing' the situation with Trout, and finally emerged in the early morning hours, just before dawn. He kept his stance, as every soldier should, until he reached his home, walked in, and the door closed behind him. In the privacy of his own home, he fell to his knees and pounded the bare ground with intense frustration and sadness.
"Why?" He wondered aloud through the thick sobs as he pounded the ground still. "Why doesn't she listen! Why doesn't she think! Why Kirlia! Why!" Now upset that he cannot take it anymore, he slowly stands. Opening the wooden hatch of the window, he sees the sun is barely over the horizon. Since his guard shift does not start until midday, he walked over to his mat on the floor. Exhausted, he sat down in it and fell backwards, asleep before the sun was halfway up.
Ok...well that the first chapter so far...please review