For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1
Chapter 5: Buildings, Families and Facades
(Daniel's POV)
In spite of the time we 'wasted' talking, Sam and I somehow managed to get everything we had to do done before Jack and Teal'c returned and the relief on her face was almost painful to see. The thing is that I don't know how much longer she's going to be able to pull this off. I'm the first one to admit that she's been doing a great job of keeping up appearances but in a way I think that may also be making matters worse for her in the long run. She is diverting too many resources toward keeping the facade up and those are the same resources she desperately needs to keep the structure behind the facade in working order. I know that architectonic metaphor is too crude, I know it doesn't do justice to the complexity of what Sam's been going through but the fact is that I fear it is true none the less. Sure, from the outside everything looks just fine but behind closed doors...
Actually I think part of the problem is that Sam is not allowing herself to let go even behind closed doors, not even when she is alone and the stress of that is probably killing her by now. I know it would be killing me if I were in her place but I also understand just how terrifying the idea of letting go can be when you know you are alone.
I know the causes behind what she's currently going through are entirely different from the ones I'm familiar with but that does nothing to change the fact that I've been where she is. Back when my parents were killed, when my whole world was destroyed I instinctively knew I couldn't let myself fall apart, not if I wanted to survive, simply because there was no one there to help me pick up the pieces. The thing is that I know how hard it can be to allow yourself a chance to rest when you don't have someone to lean on, and how terrifying the idea of falling down can be when you know there's no one there to catch you or to help you get back up again. That is one lesson I learned the hard way. Of course, I didn't think of it in those terms back then but that doesn't mean that wasn't the case... but that is not the only problem here.
Unfortunately I think here we may well be dealing with more than just Sam's reluctance to let herself go for fear of not being able to pull herself together again. That is likely to be a significant part of the problem, that is true, but it is almost certainly not the whole problem. On top of that there is also the fact that Sam is a member of SG-1 and that means more than just being a member of the SGC's flag team, I know that well enough. With that role comes a number of added burdens that had never really been much of an issue for any of us before but that under the circumstances I suspect are taking on a brand new relevance.
To begin with there is the fact that even at the best of times our lives are far from being safe and predictable. That means that we have to stay focused and I do mean always. We are on the front lines of a war and that means we have to be ready to go 24/7, there's no way around that. That fact by itself would have made for a difficult situation but on top of that there's also the fact that seeing how hard Sam's been trying to conceal what's happened, there's no way she can afford to let her guard down in front of us, not even for a minute.
She desperately needs a chance to stand down but being in SG-1 means that we have to accept the fact that even when we get to go home we are never really sure when we will be recalled to base without a moment's notice, we never know when we will have some emergency cut into our 'down time', if it can even be called that, and right now that's almost certainly complicating matters by making it almost impossible for her to relax.
For me being on call around the clock has never been much of an issue seeing how I don't have much of a life outside the SGC anyway and I'm not alone in that regard. In fact I think that may well be one of the key elements that have served to turn SG-1 into the close knit unit that it is. Most members of SG teams have to divide their time between the base and their families, between their commitments to the program and their personal lives, but that is not really the case for any of us. I have no one other than my team, at least not here on earth. Sam is a workaholic who has no family whatsoever in Colorado Springs and who doesn't seem to be particularly close to the family she has elsewhere. Teal'c is an alien who has left his whole world behind and is actually living at the base and ever since his divorce Jack doesn't really have anyone to go home to either. That means that we are not torn between our loyalty to our team and our loyalty to our family simply because in a way our team has become our family.
That has been wonderful for me, in fact I think in a way it has been great for all of us but I'm afraid that right now it is a situation that is making matters worse in Sam's case because it is compromising her ability to stand down from soldier mode... especially because she still sees SG-1 more as her unit than as her family. On top of that the problem is also being compounded by the fact that General Hammond knows he can count on us to be there whenever he needs us without disrupting our family lives and that in turn means that whenever we are on world we are the first team he calls if there is an emergency.
The thing is that while General Hammond's theory is probably correct ninety-nine percent of the time I have to say that right now Sam is stuck in that pesky one percent. That is likely to be adding to what was already a difficult situation to begin with.
In the end I guess that, all rationalizations aside, this whole thing boils down to the fact that my little chat with Sam has confirmed something I had been fearing for a while but couldn't quite bring myself to acknowledge and that has left me in an awkward position. I freely admit that I'm not sure of what to do here. I don't know what the best course of action is under the circumstances, the only thing I know for sure is that doing nothing is not an option.
I'm deeply worried about Sam and oddly enough part of the problem is that she is holding herself together too well for my liking. I know that doesn't really seem to make much sense but it's the truth. I'm afraid that she is holding herself together through sheer willpower and self-control and even though it's been seven months already the truth is that I'm not sure whether or not that's going to be enough. The pressure is mounting and she probably needs to find a safe way to let it out but doing that is not going to be easy for her... especially because she insists on keeping this whole thing a secret.
If one thing was apparent when I tried to talk to her today it was the fact that she most definitely doesn't want anyone to know what happened to her... in fact that thought seemed to be the one thing she found most upsetting when I confronted her and as long as she feels that way, as long as she feels that she has to be the perfect soldier 24/7, then I'm afraid that she is going to keep digging herself into a deeper and deeper hole.
Earlier today she was really terrified as I was trying to get her to talk to me, looking around as if she were afraid that Jack and Teal'c would come in at any moment... and I could see that that was one of the things that was needlessly adding to the stress she was under. That's one of the reasons why I decided to back down... that and the fact that I knew I had already probably pushed her a little harder than I should have had, but in my defense I have to say that I didn't think I had much of a choice in the matter. Sam can be incredibly stubborn when she wants to be... she had to be to get to where she is.
Of course, the fact that 'where she is' is in the Air Force is precisely the thing that adds a whole new layer to this whole ugly mess, one that I fear will only serve to complicate matters even further in a matter that was already complicated enough to begin with.
The fact is that even though there are a few women in the Air Force they remain a tiny minority --as we saw when the whole situation with Hathor went down-- and even though they are officially accepted it is with the tacit understanding that they are to check their feminine side at the door. To this day the military mindset still equates the concept of 'female' with 'weak' and that is a mentality that at times Sam can't quite escape. It is a mentality she has grown up with and it is a mentality that seems to have permeated into far too many aspects of her life.
Simply put, the problem is that Sam is strong enough to be strong but in a way she is not strong enough to be vulnerable and chances are that that is what she's going to have to allow herself to be if she wants to get over this experience... or maybe it is just that she is terrified at the thought of allowing others to see her as vulnerable because she is convinced that she has to live up to what she perceives to be their image of her as a soldier. Either way this time around that attitude is bound to become a serious problem because I don't think that sweeping this under the rug, as she has obviously been trying to do for months, is going to work here. In fact I am fairly certain that sooner or later this whole situation is going to come back to haunt us all unless we do something to help her cope with it... and seeing how she is determined to keep it a secret that 'we' just got translated into 'I'... and I am way out of my depth here.
In fact I think General Hammond said it best in one of our first meetings, when he announced the creation of the SG teams. He said that we were in so far over our heads we could barely see daylight. He was talking about the fight against the Goa'uld that had just been dropped on our laps, of course, but those words could easily apply to anything I could possibly try to do to help Sam now.
I'm not the best person to help her here, not by a long shot. She needs professional help, I know that much and messing this up terrifies me but the problem is that from what I saw earlier today 'professional help' just isn't an option right now.
Right now it's either me or no one and she is my friend. I'm not going to leave her out to dry simply because I'm afraid... of course that doesn't mean that I'm about to give up on the idea of trying to encourage her to seek some sort of help but I do know that that is going to be an uphill battle and I am in no position to order her to do anything, not that ordering her would do much good anyway. This is about helping her cope, not about forcing her to conform to someone else's expectations of 'what's best for her'... and yes, that does include my own preconceived notions of what's best for her.
I am well aware that the one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with trauma isn't always the best when it comes to individual situations and I suspect that the traditional approach may not be the right one when it comes to dealing with Sam. Unfortunately I don't have the first clue as to what the 'ideal' alternative in her case could possibly be.
This is a mess and I don't know what to do. I can't betray Sam by telling anyone what happened without her consent, that would be devastating for her but at the same time I know that keeping quiet could end up putting us all in danger. I know that if she were to snap at the wrong time it could literally get us all killed... and yes, I am also well aware that that fear may have more to do with me right now than with anything else. I know Sam's been dealing with this for months and there are no signs of impending doom, it's just that I am having a hard time trying to come to terms with today's revelation, but at the same time I know that just because there are no obvious signs of impending doom doesn't mean she is out of the woods here.
What I do know is that she is terrified. I am aware that everything else concerning how she's doing, how she's feeling, is little more than speculation on my part, but the thing is that today I saw Sam being downright terrified and that is not a sight I'm used to seeing... far from it. In a way I think seeing her like that was one of the things that bothered me the most about the whole incident... maybe even more than having my fears concerning what had really happened in Simarka confirmed. I was already prepared for that... kind of...
Of course, that's not to say that I'm not having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that those fears were confirmed, though that is largely due to a different reason altogether. Looking back I can't say that there weren't countless little telltale signs that pointed at the truth of what had happened and I think that, even though she has been doing a very good job in terms of hiding it, one of the main reasons why she was so successful in keeping this from us has to do with the fact that none of us wanted to see it... that we were all trying desperately not to see it. We didn't want to acknowledge the possibility that Sam might have been raped by Turghan because that would have made us aware of the fact that we had failed her miserably, that we should have gotten to her sooner, that we should have done something differently... and, come to think of it, that is one line of thought that would really bug Sam.
On a rational level I know it's stupid, I know thinking in those terms is not rational but the truth is that I can't quite help it. There's a male part of my brain that says that keeping Sam safe is my responsibility and no matter what I do I can't quite get it to shut up.
Shaking my head I realize that the first thing I have to do is organize my thoughts. Right now they seem to be scattered all over the place and as long as that's the case I'm not going to be getting anywhere here. Once I've managed to organize my thoughts I have to come up with a course of action... but come to think of it the first thing I have to do before I do anything else is to calm down. I'm shocked and angry, horrified by the revelation that one of my closest friends has been going through something like this for months and I didn't even notice, but the fact is that this is not about me.
Yes, I should have noticed... we should all have and we certainly should have been there for Sam, but in the end this is not about placing blame. Well, it's not about placing blame on anyone except on Turghan... he certainly deserves it.
For the time being the most important thing for me is to be there for Sam... whether she wants me in her corner or not.
I understand why she was so reluctant to talk here, I know that pushing her like I did was not the best move but I also know I didn't have that many choices. With a little luck now that the first hurdle is behind us getting her to open up will be a little easier... okay, hoping for easy when dealing with Sam may not be very realistic so I guess I'll settle for a little less difficult.
Still there is some good that came out of today's little chat. If nothing else my attempts at confrontation got me a promise that we will talk about it 'some other time', that we will talk about it 'when we are back home'. I know Sam doesn't intend to have that conversation if she can possibly avoid it, I know she is going to do everything in her power to weasel out of it but I can't let her... not this time around.
There's too much at stake for me to do nothing and hope for the best. SG-1 is my family... or the closest thing to one I have on earth and there's no way I'm turning my back on Sam now. Whether she wants to or not I am going to do my best to help her through this... I just wish it weren't necessary. Of course, it's not quite as 'simple' as that.
The thing that is likely to make this situation even more complicated than it already is is the fact that she was right when she said that I don't understand. I don't know what it is, I can't even describe the gut feeling behind the sensation in the pit of my stomach but I know that there is something in this whole thing that no matter how I look at it just doesn't make sense and I can't help but fear that even now I'm only seeing half the picture.
Author's notes: Hi guys, about last week's reviews (and boy were there a lot of them, thank you!). One thing that keeps popping up are the requests for more frequent updates. While getting a request for an update is one of the most flattering aspects of getting a review I decided to provide you with a bit of an explanation here to avoid a guessing game as to when the next chapter will be posted. Right now I'm working on two stories "Under Alien Skies-Propagation" and "Birds of a Feather". "Under Alien Skies" gets updated Friday mornings and "Birds..." gets updated Monday mornings. I know that may seem a little slow but I'd rather keep it slow and steady rather than running the risk of getting caught up with what I have written and leaving you hanging for months (I hate it when that happens). Still, to keep you reviewing, let me point out that even though reviews won't get me to post more often they will be instrumental in deciding whether or not the sequel(s) get written at all, so if you like this story review, review, review (okay, so I'm begging here).