For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Additional warnings: okay guys, let's go over this again. This story is not fit for young children. It is 'T-rated' (yes, I changed it back to where I feel it belongs now that the worse of the cliffhanger is finally over) due to the fact that it features non-descriptive talk of disturbing/adult issues though nothing happens on-screen... or anywhere near the screen for that matter (in fact the most disturbing of the possibilities that are mentioned here don't even happen at all). Anyway, just to recap, as mentioned in the first chapter there are non-descriptive references to rape, sexism and the 'brighter' side of human history and human traditions here (and the use of the word 'brighter' in this context is meant as an example of what's commonly known as sarcasm, just in case there was any doubt about that). Please proceed with caution.

Chapter 8: Of Fears Redefined
(Daniel's POV)

Though she is usually not all that comfortable with physical contact right now Sam is holding on to me like a lifeline. She is trembling and I can almost taste the fear pouring out of her but she is not crying... she still refuses to give up control in that regard, not that I'm particularly surprised by that fact. It's been drilled into her that crying is a sign of weakness, something a 'good soldier' just doesn't do and that is not a form of conditioning she is likely to overcome any time soon... of course right now that doesn't really matter. I have more than enough with trying to come to terms with what she's told me. The truth is that I am utterly horrified by what she's been going through and I can't even begin to imagine what holding on to her secret --trying to deal with all of this on her own-- has been like... or how terrifying waiting for us to show up must have been for her under the circumstances, when she didn't even know whether or not we would get to her in time.

There are a number of things we never really expected to encounter off-world even though, thinking back, we probably should have. The truth is that in a way I can't help but blame myself for everything that's happened here and for everything that Sam's been going through since our mission to Simarka. I'm supposed to be the team's contact specialist, the one who is expected to figure out the what, how and why of the cultures we encounter before we find ourselves in trouble but I failed, I failed big time.

What happened in Simarka happened because I made the wrong call time and time again even though I really should have known better, that is the simple and undeniable truth. I could try to justify myself by saying that there was so much I didn't know at the time but that wouldn't do anything to change the facts and those facts speak for themselves... besides, the fact that I didn't know any better is no excuse. If anything it is a clear indication of just how completely I forgot myself. One simple rule of field work is that when you don't know what you are dealing with you play it safe and move cautiously... and I didn't, not by a long shot.

Even now as I'm holding Sam and trying to reassure her --as I am forced to come face to face with the consequences of my actions-- I keep going over all the ways in which this whole thing could have been prevented and I can't help but cringe at the extent of my own blindness, of my own arrogance and stupidity.

I remember everything that happened in Simarka with a sickening clarity. I remember Abu being chased by the dogs and I also remember how just a few minutes after our arrival he told us to leave, to get Sam out of there. He was really insistent on that particular point and even after Moughal said that Sam would be allowed to live she wanted to return to earth but I was the one who insisted that we should stay. My curiosity got the best of me and it was Sam who paid the price. That was the most glaring one of my mistakes though it was certainly not the only one. There were others that may have been less glaring but were no less devastating, like the fact that we allowed them to segregate Sam but took no action to ensure that she'd be kept safe, trusting Moughal's word in that regard instead. We chose to join their celebration when we should have been keeping an eye on her, especially after everything we had seen of how women were treated in that particular society.

Yes, I dropped the ball big time and that is something that has been bothering me since we came back, since long before this latest revelation. It is something that has been bothering me ever since I saw the condition her back was in after we returned... a condition that I am now seeing in an entirely different light. Back then I thought that her physical injuries had been the extent of the price she had had to pay for my mistake, now I am well aware that that was not the case, far from it.

I still cannot believe she managed to defeat Turghan in spite of her injuries but I guess adrenaline really is a wonderful thing... though I do find her explanation as to why her injuries weren't worse to be deeply disturbing. In that regard she is right when she says I just don't understand. I have read the books, I know the history and I know it's not a history that is confined to Simarka but in spite of the fact that I know about it I just don't understand it... I never have.

Even now I can't begin to imagine what was going through her mind as she fought Turghan for his daughter's life... or what possessed her to go back to save that girl in the first place. I understand that she felt responsible and I understand that she couldn't stand the idea of allowing Nya to die --especially not when she had been the one to convince her to stand up to her father-- but still for her to insist on going back is something I find to be all but inconceivable, even if a part of me does understand. The truth is that Sam had been totally unaware of what the punishment for Nya's disobedience would be but still she felt responsible for the consequences of the girl's defiance, just as I am overwhelmed right now by the consequences of my own failures.

The bottom line is that her fight against Turghan should never have been allowed to happen. Not by our standards and certainly not by theirs.

Both Moughal and Turghan were supposed to adhere to a strict code of honor --one that had some glaring loopholes as far as I'm concerned but a strict code of honor nonetheless-- and the fact is that, even though we were unaware of it at the time, Turghan cheated.

I remember how when Moughal first challenged him Turghan said that even suggesting that he would ever fight an old man, and a cripple at that, was an insult to his honor but Sam was injured and he knew it. He knew it because she had been injured by his hand even if we didn't know about it at the time... and Sam fought him knowing that if she were to lose not only would Nya be killed but also that the deal we had made with Turghan to set her free in the first place would be nullified. That was the tacit agreement, that was the reason why after defeating him she forced him to say that she was free to go in front of his men. She fought him knowing what would happen to her if she were to lose that confrontation and that is the most chilling thought of all.

The good news is that against all odds and in spite of her injuries she managed to prevail. She beat him even though he didn't play fair and the fact that she was the one to defeat Turghan was probably the one thing that helped her the most, the thing that helped her regain and maintain some semblance of control. Chances are that by defeating Turghan when she did she also managed to slay quite a few of her own demons regarding what she had been through in that camp and in that regard that confrontation was probably priceless.

It is ironic to think that if any of us would have had any idea of what had been done to her or even that she had been hurt we would never have allowed it to happen. If we had known that Sam was hurt, Turghan would never have been allowed within miles of her and we certainly wouldn't have allowed her to fight him for Nya's life. Yes, we understood why saving that girl's life was so important for Sam but as far as we were concerned Sam had to come first, that was our top priority. If we had known we wouldn't have stopped at all, we would just have kept on riding until we had reached the safety of the stargate and our own world.

I am brought back to the here and now by the realization that Sam's trembling is finally subsiding.

"You are safe now," I whisper, even though I know it's a stupid thing to say, not really letting go of her just yet but relaxing my hold on her enough to allow her to get away from me if she wants to.

"I know," she says, still not pulling away. "It's just that I had never really thought about it, you know? I never even thought of something like that being anywhere near the realm of possibility, it wasn't something I ever imagined encountering... it was something I never even thought could possibly exist. I mean, even when I was growing up I always kind of knew that being raped was a possibility. It wasn't something I thought much about or anything like that but it was something I knew could happen, something I saw happen to more than one of my friends, but that... I can't get the image of that little girl out of my mind. She was just lying there with her legs bound from the waist down, totally immobilized and covered in her own waste and her own family thought that what had been done to her was something to be celebrated. It was something that had been done to her mother and would someday be done to her own daughters and no one even questioned it. Do you remember how when we were in Moughal's camp I complained about being left behind in a tent that smelt like yak urine? Well, let's just say that the smell in that tent was nothing compared to the stench in the tent to which that child was confined. The stench in that tent was awful, even with the herbs they were burning to try and disguise it and she had been there for weeks as she healed after being... and one of the women was the one who had actually done that to her, who had done it to all of them. Every time I close my eyes now I see..."

"Are you really having that much trouble sleeping?" I ask, more than a little shocked. I knew Sam was having some occasional nightmares, I had noticed that much in the course of our missions but I hadn't really thought it was that bad. Of course, seeing how badly I had underestimated the whole situation and what she had gone through in Turghan's camp, the fact that I had also underestimated how much trouble she is having sleeping is hardly a surprising revelation. Still, it is definitely a very bad sign.

"Yes," she admits, not meeting my eyes. "Off-world I can kind of work around it but here..."

"Work around it?" I ask, not entirely sure of what she means by that.

"When we are off-world I can volunteer to take the second watch and that helps," she explains. "I know that usually the first and last watches are supposed to be the easiest ones because they allow for a greater number of hours of uninterrupted sleep but the thing is that when I have the second watch I'm usually tired enough to be able to manage a couple of good hours of sleep and I know there is going to be someone there to wake me up before the dreams start. I stay awake for a while and then I get a couple more hours worth of rest. Sure, I usually wake up a little earlier than I'm supposed to but it's not so bad. It is... manageable."

"And when you are home?" I ask, even though I have my suspicions.

"Then it's a lot more complicated," she admits. "I hate going to sleep, I keep putting it off until I can't keep my eyes open any longer but then after a while the dreams come and I wake up terrified... it's like I'm back in Simarka and I can still smell the stench of that camp, of that tent. I shower but the scent just won't go away because it's not really real... though it certainly feels that way and then I try to work, read or do anything I can possibly think of to keep myself busy until it's time for me to report back to base... that is, if I bothered to go home at all. Sometimes I just stay at the mountain and that way I can go back to my lab and actually get some work done."

"And this has been going on for months? Sam, you can't go on like that!"

"Believe me, it wouldn't be my first choice either... in those nights... I've been trying to understand... especially when I'm stuck back at my place. I mean, being an astrophysicist I can't exactly take my work home with me so I spend hours going over everything I can possibly find online... and hating most of what I find."

"About...?"

"About it. I mean, I admit I've never been big on social issues and as stupid as it may sound, when we first came home I thought it was all over. I thought what I had encountered in Turghan's camp had just been something barbaric that was restricted to Simarka... it was only when I was trying to learn more about the way in which old earth cultures treated women --while I was trying to find something that could make it possible for me to avoid another situation such as the one I had found myself in on that planet-- that I realized that it wasn't something that was native to Simarka at all.

"The thing is that after we came back I was really confused but I was also more than a little scared. I knew that the culture we had encountered in Simarka was reminiscent of an ancient earth civilization and I knew their reaction to my presence wasn't likely to be unique. That's why I thought that I might as well do a little research into those old cultures to get a general idea of just what it was that I was likely to run into out there in the first place. I really didn't want to be caught off guard ever again, that was my main concern.

"It was while I was trying to figure out what else might be out there waiting for me that I realized that what Turghan had threatened to do to me was in fact something that had originated here on earth... that it was something that could actually be traced back to Ancient Egypt and that it was something that to this day is still being done to millions of girls here in our own world. There is even a nice set of initials to describe it... FGM. It makes it all sound so safe, so harmless... so clinical and sterile until you look under the surface and you find other words but even those don't have much meaning... not enough to describe..."

"I know," I say rubbing her back. I can see she is exhausted and for once she is not trying to hide it... the problem is that there's basically nothing I can do about it.

"No, you don't, it's not just those damned initials, it's the fact that I was so damned oblivious... that I never even thought about it, that I didn't even know that it existed, not really. If you had asked me eight months ago what's a pharaonic circumcision I wouldn't have had the first clue what you were talking about and now all of a sudden I have to accept that not only is it a possibility I faced once but it is something that I may well have to face again... and that maybe next time I won't be so lucky. If I had escaped Turghan just a little bit earlier then maybe the hours of daylight would have been enough for that woman to... I can't stop thinking about it... I keep seeing myself as I saw that little girl and I hate it. I absolutely hate it..."

"It's okay, I understand and you are right, we should have been more careful. I should have been more careful."

"You?" she asks, finally pulling away from me enough to actually meet my eyes.

"Yes, I shouldn't have allowed myself to forget. I knew we were dealing with a culture based on an ancient civilization and a warrior culture at that. I should have remembered that those ancient civilizations were once alive and, to be perfectly honest, quite brutal... I should have realized that their descendants weren't likely to be as harmless as the artifacts those civilizations left behind. I knew you were an integral part of the team and I should have been more aware of the way in which those civilizations treated their women. I should have insisted that we make keeping you safe a top priority because the truth is that the fact that you are a woman was something that was bound to become an issue off-world sooner or later and I should have been more aware of that."

"I don't need to be protected. I'm a soldier and I can take care of myself," she reminds me.

"Easy, I'm not saying you can't," I reassure her, "but there's a limit to what you, or anyone else for that matter, can do and I should have remembered that, I should have kept my priorities straight. I was the one who insisted that we try to fit in. I was the one who insisted that we should allow them to separate the team to avoid insulting their customs when the fact was that if we had been on an expedition here on earth to a culture with similar views we would never have included a woman in the team in the first place... or if we had we would have made damned sure that we kept her safe at all times. From the moment we arrived on that planet you were a marked woman and I should have trusted your instincts. You told me that maybe we should get out while we were ahead but I was too eager to learn about their culture to even listen to your concerns. Even after we arrived in Moughal's camp and you were forced to change into what they deemed to be 'appropriate clothes' you reminded me that you were not an anthropologist. That was something I should definitely have paid more attention to because it meant you were not trained to deal with those kinds of situations as an anthropologist would have been. It was my mistake but you were the one who ended up having to pay the price for it and for that I'm so incredibly sorry..."

TBC

Author's notes: hi guys, first of all, thanks for your patience after last week's cliffhanger (and for your reviews, we can't forget the reviews).

Now to the more serious issues and concerns. Let me reassure you that this story will not get any more graphic or descriptive than it's been up until now (in fact chapters 7 and 8 represent a sort of spike in terms of the tone of this story and are not representative of the whole). As for the more disturbing issues mentioned in this fic, it is precisely because I am aware that children sometimes disregard the ratings that I have made sure to phrase things in such a way that is almost guaranteed to go over the heads of those readers who are unfamiliar with the issues this story makes reference to in the first place.

In other words, while there are non-descriptive references to disturbing issues here, those references have been deliberately phrased in such a way that you actually have to get the references in order to be disturbed by them. As for teenagers, even though these issues are disturbing, the fact is that they are often mentioned (and in far more detail than I provide here) in news broadcasts, major newspapers and mainstream magazines and I assume that the average teenager has unrestricted access to these sources.

Sorry about the cryptic and convoluted note (which comes in the heels of a couple of cryptic and convoluted chapters) but the thing is that while I wanted to address the concerns expressed by one reviewer, I didn't want to highlight the references in question by saying anything specific here so this whole explanation ended up turning into one huge euphemism.