Title: Journey of the Jedi – Death is my Ally.
Author: Tally
Warnings: Pre Slash.
Category: AU, Pre-slash, drama, action adventure.
Part One Summary: After he was knighted, Obi-Wan was sent out into the galaxy by the Council. While on these solo missions he begins to sense something else within the Force and finally comes to realise what he is.
Part One – Prologue
Fire consumes all, burns and destroys. It devours, so all that is left is ashes and memories. I watch as flames engulf the vessel that I had been travelling on. I know I should be gone from here, away from the wreckage before anyone notices the ship in distress and attempts a rescue which, despite any skill, would be futile.
The ship is empty, empty of all except the barest of signs of apparent life that perished in the fire for evidence. I must be in that vessel, I must appear gone from the world of the living. I must dwell in death until the galaxy changes and I can once again walk in the Light and find the man I love, the man of my most secret desires. All my hope lies there now. It is not hope that he will return my deepest love, but the hope that I will at least have the chance to tell him.
Years may pass, he may find another, if indeed he ever loved me at all, or maybe with the passing of long seasons he will forget me, my presence gone from his side. First he will forget my voice and with time he will fail to remember the shade of my hair and colour of my eyes and maybe, eventually, he will fail to remember my face and only a holo, dug from the bottom of a little used drawer, will be able to remind him of his lost apprentice.
I trust in the Force, but curse it also. It led Qui-Gon to me and now, for the second time, it has taken an apprentice from him, lost to him, given to the darkness, given to death, given to the endless abyss. I wonder, did he heal enough that this second loss will not undo what I spent years trying to repair of his beautiful, damaged heart?
But, I have no other way; I must enter death and hide from my enemies there as well as those who would be my friend. I hide away from them all in the only place they cannot search.
Death is my shield; it conceals me from those who seek me. I am lost to them now. I dwell between the living, waiting now for the Force to guide me on, to show me the path that I must tread alone.
Part One - Death is my Ally.
I stood before Qui-Gon on what was the happiest day of my life. Since being found by the Jedi, when I was two, I had worked hard for this moment, the moment I would achieve my goal of becoming a Jedi Knight.
"It is with great joy that I name you Knight before your friends and peers."
Qui-Gon carried on the ceremony without hesitation, but I know he could tell I was hardly listening to the words, my mind so consumed with excitement.
"It has been my honour and privilege to teach you and guide you to this day."
Qui-Gon's words finally brought be back to the moment, although only briefly. As he spoke I remembered the years past I spent with him. Nearly ten years. I could hardly believe it, time seemed so insignificant then, passing before I realised it. Later, with so much lying in times gone by, made the past seem so distant and I noticed every second I was away from Qui-Gon and felt every moment parted from his presence.
"Rise, Knight Kenobi, and join me as an equal."
Qui-Gon gave me the knife; somehow, I managed to keep my hand steady. I cut the braid that represented my years learning under Qui-Gon's guidance and before all those gathered I gave it to him. As he clasped the lock of hair I rose to finally, for the first time, stand before him as an equal. We bowed to each other, ending the ceremony.
When I faced him again I could not help the smile from blossoming on my face and saw that Qui-Gon could not either. He embraced me and I clung to him for a moment, glad of his presence in my life and praying it would not end with my knighting.
"Congratulations, Obi-Wan," he said to me as he pulled away.
"Thank you, Master," I answered him, still unable to form any higher cognitive functions.
"I think it is long past due that you called me Qui-Gon,"
I smiled inwardly to hear that, knowing that he and I were no longer separated by protocol and rank.
"Yes, Master." I did not correct myself. I may have been incapable of saying more than the simplest of words, but that did not mean I would miss the opportunity to tease him. I did my best to look innocent and was rewarded with a spark of amusement in his eyes.
As we spoke together, other Jedi, who had witnessed the occasion, had drawn closer to add their own congratulations before returning to waiting duties. Soon, only Qui-Gon and I remained in that little garden in the company of two of the highest esteemed Jedi and Council members, Masters Yoda and Windu.
"Congratulations, Knight Kenobi." Mace had long been a close friend of my master and as Qui-Gon's apprentice, he and I were well acquainted with each other. Since that time, years passed, he and I have forged our own friendship founded in respect for each other and in the secrets we both keep.
"Good this day has been," Yoda told us. "Well deserved your knighthood is, young Kenobi."
Master Yoda had always taken an interest in me, including the time of his insistence I become Qui-Gon's apprentice.
"Thank you, Master Yoda."
And for my part, Master Yoda has always meant a great deal to me. Most initiates and padawans respect the elderly Master, as I do, however I have always felt close to him and he has remained a steady presence in my life.
"Wish, I do, that longer you have to enjoy this day, but on your first mission you must go."
It is customary for a new knight to spend an evening with his or her old master in meditation after the knighting ceremony. Qui-Gon and I were never given this luxury, reasons, for which, I had my suspicions; although I kept these to myself. We were promised time after my first mission to break the training bond that still lay between us, but the need for field agents was so great it would have to wait.
Neither Qui-Gon nor myself minded this delay; I was reluctant to be parted so completely from my master and I now know Qui-Gon felt the same.
"Of course, Master," I said, once again, showing my understanding and acceptance of the unusual situation. I turned once more to Qui-Gon, smiling as I did so.
"I have to go," I told him. "But when I come back I should like to see you if I may."
"I'd like that very much, Obi-Wan."
When I remember that day now, I am almost sure I felt a wave of inescapable sadness to see him smile. It was brief, I hardly noticed it within myself, but I think, even then, some part of me knew what awaited us in the future and that all I would have would be the memory of that smile.
We left the Council members and made our way to the landing platforms. Any sense of foreboding, on my part, was forgotten in the joy of being alone, however briefly, with Qui-Gon. We strolled through the Temple, stopping only once in order for me to pick up my pack, and eventually stopped at the ramp of the ship that would carry me away from him.
"I am proud of you, Obi-Wan."
Our earlier years together had been spent in strained silence; I, unsure of my place with him and besieged by self-doubt, could not understand his pain and he, still caught in the wound inflicted upon his heart by Xanatos, was unable to reach out to a scared little boy in desperate need of his guidance.
"I know, Qui-Gon." Since those early years the mistrust has been replaced by love. "I will miss you."
"Won't be long before you're back and then soon after that you'll barely have time for your old Master."
"That will never happen." If Qui-Gon accepted the love I hoped to one day declare to him, I planned never to be parted from him again. Funny, how our plans never go as we hope. Although Qui-Gon and I admit our love and steal moments for ourselves, we can never be together as I once dreamed. We drift in a galaxy beset with Darkness and so we must part from each other, never knowing if it will be the last time. I dreamt of passing into the abyss by his side, but the Warrior walks alone. When we die it will be me who shall seek him there, as it should be; the Warrior seeks you, not the other way around. On that day, the day that happened on the other side of my supposed death, I hoped to be with him always and now I simply hope to see him again.
"I should go," I said finally, knowing the time had come for me to step out, alone, into the galaxy.
"Yes. Good luck, Obi-Wan." We embraced once more. "I love you, my apprentice."
My heart sung to hear those words and filled me with hope.
"And I you, my Master."
I picked up my pack and forced myself to board the ship without telling him of my deeper feelings. I knew that it was still too soon, that in some ways I was still in a subordinate position. Qui-Gon never would have accepted my confession so soon after being his apprentice. He would have believed my love to be some kind of hero worship and I also believe that his heart was still not ready to risk loving me like that. Xanatos' shadow had long since stopped falling over my apprenticeship, but his betrayal was still keenly felt by Qui-Gon.
I left him on Coruscant, leaving him for the first time, no longer shadowing him to the worlds the Council sent him to. How ironic then that not two months later I was once again a Shadow and five years after that I would become his Shadow once more.
As soon as I was aboard the little vessel that would take me to Vitel-Tatus I went to the cabin assigned to me. My mind was still jumbled from my Knighting ceremony and I needed time to meditate and calm myself.
The cabin was as you might have expected: bare, simple, dull, but it had all the necessities. I slung my pack on the bunk before sitting on the floor in the centre of the room, legs crossed and arms cradled in my lap. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I could not; I sat for an hour before I finally gave up. Halfway though my attempt at meditation I had felt the lightspeed engines engage and knew I was well on my way to Vitel-Tatus, even though I still had several hours before arriving.
I gave up on my meditation in order to unpack a few of my belongings. I took out the reader with my mission briefings and a fresh tunic. But with the tunic something else tumbled out I had not expected. There, hidden in my bag, was a stone; a very familiar stone. My heart filled with warmth to think of Qui-Gon hiding the treasure item in my belongings. I clutched it in my hand, immediately feeling its warmth and a slight tingling from its Force signature.
I returned to the floor and this time, stone in hand, slipped easily into a meditative trance. Finding my centre this time was easy, so I let my mind wonder onto other things, to Qui-Gon.
I could still feel the training bond in my mind, though silenced by distance, and once again I thought of the Council and their reasons for postponing its breaking.
I believed then, and I know now, that they were aware of what lay beneath the fragile training bond, that they sensed the presence of something much stronger hidden underneath it. A soulbond. Yes, I was aware of its potential, had since I reached my majority. I knew Qui-Gon and I were meant to love each other and be part of one another since I was eighteen. Qui-Gon, however, did not. He was still not able to trust me with his heart; to try and break the training bond at the time of my knighting would have drawn his attention to the bond that lay beneath. I knew it and the Council knew it and we both knew that if that were to happen Qui-Gon might deny it and could even push me away.
I had lived with the knowledge for three years and I was not prepared to risk a lifetime by forcing the issue on a man who had been hurt badly. And the Council, they knew our tasks better than ourselves and the importance of the love between us.
I reached out to the bond gently, as I had in the past, and let it wash over me. Its beautiful song in the Force filled my mind and soothed all my remaining fears. That bond became the most important thing in my life. In death it remained my connection to the Jedi and to my Master. It was the brightest light while I lived in shadow and with it dwelled the hope of my love; both carried me through my solitary task.
A soul bond always equals love and half of a whole, but in the physical world love can mean more than one thing. The love between soul mates can be paternal, that of friendship or brotherhood, but what I wanted was more. I wanted Qui-Gon mind, body and soul. I loved him, was in love with him and although I would accept any kind of love he might offer, it was the passionate type I craved.
The Light of the bond anchored me to the Jedi, but that hope, the hope he would love me as I had always dreamed, is what drove me in my solitude. The hope that when I stepped from the darkness of death it would be into his arms. That first night away from him, I dreamed of happily ever after, never suspecting it would have to wait, and not because of Qui-Gon or his fears, but because of fate and the duty bestowed upon my shoulders.
My first mission was to a planet named Vitel-Tatus. It was a minor dispute over a treaty signed one hundred years previously. It was easy enough to settle, although my patience was tested during the three days it took just to get the two sides to sit down together. However, once they did meet, things moved along very quickly. It seemed that the old treaty was not really in contention, but periodically one side would challenge some insignificant clause to gain political notoriety within their own country. This challenge required quick, decisive intervention by the Jedi. In the one hundred years since the original treaty, that had ended a world war, only one of the scuffles had taken the planet to the brink of war once more. I was glad to find my negotiation did not turn into the second.
The Vitel-Tatus people had become a peaceful race; it was long memories that prolonged any remaining difficulties between the two great nations. The Jedi knew that in years to come this peaceful nature would replace the memories and the planet would finally be healed from a wound inflicted upon it by generations past. Time, more than anything else, would heal Vitel-Tatus. It is a shame that the same cannot be said for all worlds.
As the Council intended, my mission to Vitel-Tatus showed me that I was ready for my knighthood, and my second and third missions built upon that confidence. It was during my third mission that I began to notice something different, that I began to feel another layer within the Force.
At the time I had no idea what it was.
It began simply as a faint tingling that coursed though my veins. It was an itch I could not scratch. I did not understand its implications. Not then. I was on Zana, a tropical world with unending rain, when the tingle began. Zana was beautiful and alive with the living Force. It had made me miss Qui-Gon all the more.
The dining hall in the place was a massive dome with a blue sky painted upon it. It was full of table and chairs and open to everyone. Masters and servants dining together, almost as equals. It reminded me a great deal of the Temple's dining hall where the masters, knights, padawans and initiates mingled freely.
I sat with my host, Lord Oxly, a caring man who wanted the best for his people, when the tingle began. It started in my hands, as if they were restless from inaction, and spread up my arms and into my mind. Soon my entire body hummed with the energy and, although it was not distracting from my duty as mediator, when it first began I must have shown my surprise because Oxly asked if I was feeling unwell.
"I am fine, thank you, Lordship," I told him.
"We are most grateful for the Jedi's assistance," he continued and I was once more drawn away from my internal thoughts and I returned my full attention to the table conversation.
Now I can look back and describe that feeling better. It was suppressed energy, it was restlessness, part of me knowing I was needed elsewhere and was unable to help. It was not until weeks later I heard of the death of Knight Shazre; a new knight on the other side of the galaxy. Perhaps if she had been closer or had a stronger Force presence I would have understood what it was I was supposed to do sooner, instead others had to die before I would finally understand what it was I had become and what my duty was.
After Zana I went on to my next mission. I arrived on the planet Jazara earlier than I had expected. The journey had been brief and the expected delays between refuelling had not materialised. My early arrival, at first, appeared to be fortuitous. Jazara was at war, and the three warring nations agreed to a cease-fire in order to meet with me and try and find a peaceful resolution. When I arrived, that cease-fire was threatened by a series of terrorist attacks that had each side blaming the others. The fighting intensified and I feared, despite my early arrival, that I was too late to aide Jazara.
I stepped from the ship already certain of my course of action. When the guide arrived to escort me to one of the power bases, Obi-Wan Kenobi was nowhere to be found, but amongst the returning inhabitants was a Ben Owens, a man none there had ever seen before.
They were recruiting in the main workers' square. Their leader, a tall man with dark hair and eyes, but with skin so pale it was almost translucent, stood on the stone steps leading to the old town hall which now acted as a labour exchange.
"It is us who suffer," he yelled to the workers. "It is us they send to fight on their behalf." A cheer went up from the crowd, led by the speaker's confederates. They were easy to spot, they were watching the crowd, not the man shouting rebellion, they listened to whispers spoken by the huddled workers and not their leader.
"How might I join your cause?" I asked one, who was managing to look the part of angry, disgruntled worker. I suppose he was one, or at least had been before he had joined the terrorists.
"Excuse me?"
"You are obviously with him," I pointed at the man still entertaining the gathered crowd. "I maybe a worker, but I am not stupid, nor am I mindless. So, I'll ask you again," I made sure he was aware that a threat was being made; I squared my shoulders and looked him dead in the eyes and repeated, "How might I join?"
He studied me for a moment, and I caught a quick glance sideways to another of his rabble rousers. He must have given a sign of affirmation because suddenly the man in front of me was smiling.
"Come to the docks tonight and we'll see about your membership."
"Just like that?" I asked. I did not sense any overt hostility towards me through the Force, but knew that any other person in my place would be suspicious of his sudden eagerness.
"No," he admitted, giving a little shrug. "There maybe a little test, first."
I nodded to him as he continued to grin wildly at me before walking away, back into the crowd, aware of two others following me. I went to a bar and got myself a drink, and my tails, who failed to be inconspicuous, followed. As I sat drinking my warm rye beer I decided that these rebels were amateurs; they were unorganised and not at all stealthy. Why or how the warring factions had managed to remain unaware of them I could not say, possibly because one was in league with them or maybe they provided a convenient excuse to massacre their own side. Yes, they were amateurs, but they were also dangerous. They had killed for their cause and in many ways had become a silent fourth side in an already complicated war.
The docks were as I expected; dark, rundown and full of rebels willing to kill me if I did not manage to prove myself to them. The man from the square was there, standing behind his leader, who I now discovered was called Tipat.
"My colleague tells me you want to join us," Tipat said to me once I had been brought to stand in front of him while his men surrounded me.
"That's what I told him." I indicated the man who stood behind him with a nod of my head. I answered him aware of the dozen pairs of eyes on me and their trigger happy fingers. "But I am a little concerned with your security."
"That's why we are here," he said in a calm, but commanding manner. He had a way about him I could not help but admire; he was a leader and a man to follow especially on a planet as desperate as Jazara. "We need to check you out before you can join us."
"It wasn't me I was worried about." My opinion if the group as a whole had changed little since my initial contact, I would not have trusted a single one of them to guard my back. However, as I stood amongst them I could see that they were acting out of desperation, not any malicious intent or any desire to somehow make a name for themselves. They were a group who only had death left as an option.
"We couldn't find you on the register."
"I like to keep to myself." I was not concerned with my lack of national identification; many people avoided the register.
"No one's seen you before."
"What did I just say?"
"Well then friend, with no one claiming to know you ,we have no one to vouch for you."
"So?" As I had in the square I once again allowed threads of anger to seep into my posture and tone; I had a role to play and I intended for it to be an award winning performance.
"So, we have a different test for you instead," Tipat answered, keeping his temper in the face of my blatant disrespect. "Come this way."
I followed Tipat, the others closing in around behind me. Amongst the buildings was an alley where a man knelt, guarded by two others with blasters pointed at him. The kneeling man looked defeated, but I sensed something was off with the scene set before me.
"What's this?" I asked.
"This is Owsly, a government agent." Tipat gave the kneeling man a slight kick, before casually asking me; "Know him?"
"No."
"Good, then you won't mind killing him."
"What?" Ben Ownes no matter his own desperation would have been shocked at the suggestion so that's what I said while deep down Obi-Wan Kenobi knew something was wrong with what I was seeing, something off kilter about the whole situation. It's strange to think back on it all now, I had not realised that even then I was separating myself out in my mind between Obi-Wan and anyone else I chose to play. It came so naturally and so easily I did not realise I was doing it.
"To prove yourself, you have to kill our betrayer."
I understood the intent of the action; it was a message of a sort. I took the blaster offered to me. I stood before Owsly, looking him deeply in the eye; there was no fear. I aimed the blaster and fired. Nothing happened, as I knew it would. I recognised the man, he had been one of the two who had spent the afternoon following me around the city plaza. The others, included Tipat, seemed shocked that I had fired the weapon, but I had proven myself to be the kind of man they thought they needed.
"There's something wrong with your blaster," I said as I gave the disabled weapon back.
"No there isn't." Tipat managed to cover his own shock well enough; his voice did not waver and he continued to look me in the eye. "Congratulations, you just passed your test."
"Wow, I think I feel all warm and fuzzy inside." I think that back then I should have been shocked by how easily I slipped into the role of a killer. It never even occurred to me at the time that my performance was a little too genuine. "What now?"
"Now, you come inside."
I went with them into one of the rundown buildings that had been set up as a bunk house. In the far corner I could see a hatch that led to a basement and probably a sewer access in case of emergencies.
"Is this it?"
"What did you expect?" a new voice asked from a man I had not seen before. I looked at him and saw the man who was the real leader of the rebels; the man who was behind their cause. Tipat was charismatic and the type of man desperate people wanted to admire and have as a leader. This man was an ordinary man and he commanded loyalty and respect because of that very fact.
I allowed my shoulders to slump in an imitation of defeat as I turned to speak to him.
"I don't know," I told him. "Hope?"
"We don't have any, that's why we are here."
"You can't honestly believe that," I beseeched only partly asking as Ben; the Jedi in me was horrified that he could really believe that what they were doing was really all they had left.
"Come, I'll show you around," he said, not answering my desperation with any false hope.
The others left and I was alone with the rebel leader, alone with the man who threatened the summit I had been sent to mediate. However, being with them made me understand them better; they did not wish to threaten the possibility of peace nor were they after a place at the negotiation table. No, all they wished to do was to shock their leaders into action.
"My name is Heinton."
"Ben," I told him in return.
He led me around the warehouse, telling me about various parts of their operation and then he led me to the basement where they stored all their weaponry and explosives.
"You're the leader, aren't you?" I bluntly asked him as I stood staring at their horde of weapons. From the little amount of time I had spent with Heinton I realised he was not a man who suffered fools nor was he fond of beating about the bush. He had not been introduced as the leader, but I wanted him to know that I had guessed.
"Travis, the man you approached in the square, he said you were sharp."
"That doesn't answer my question," I pointed out.
"Yes, I command the rebels. How did you guess?"
"I just notice the details."
"Indeed," Heinton gave me a calculating look before he continued. "Tipat it a decoy, of a sort. The others worry for my safety, not that they need to, considering the extent to which we are ignored. And Tipat, he has what the people want in an urban folk legend."
"You trust me with this information; you name, your base of operations, the name of your decoy?"
"I like to think I am a good judge of character," he told me.
"I would have killed your man," I reminded him. He simply shrugged.
"Are you trying to get caught?" I asked him. He looked at me blankly, however as soon as I asked him I realised the truth of my words. "You are, you want recognition, you want to be heard; that's why you haven't been careful, why your group was so blatant in the square."
"You are right you do notice the details," he said and smiled a little before signing and confessing his crusade's dilemma, "How can we be heard if no one is listening to us?"
"Your plan is failing, the leaders are barely aware of your existence, in fact they blame each other for that little stunt you pulled." Once more I was blunt, delivering the final blow with some regret. "They have cancelled the ceasefire and summit."
He looked shocked by my news and grief was prevalent in his eyes.
"What summit? How do you know this?"
"Let's just say I have a source who tells me useful bits of information," my lie was not really a lie, just a bending of the truth. "The summit was arranged in secret for its protection."
"Ironic," he commented.
"Yes, I suppose so."
We stared at each other, both unsure of what else to say. Within a few short moments I had diminished his struggle by telling him of his failing to accomplish anything of his aims.
"We need people like you, Ben; people with their ear to the ground. The others, they aren't practical, you I think, will be an asset."
"I hope so." Indeed, I did hope so, just not in the manner he was thinking of, but I swore I would help them nonetheless.
I spent three days in their company, learning about them. What at first appeared to be a small group turned out to be much more. They represented a good proportion of the workers in the city and had other factions working in other districts, some of which were within the territory of their country's mortal enemy. They were the party that represented the lower orders and as has happened across the galaxy, their government leaders were not listening to them or their wants. On Jazara their existence was barely acknowledged by the planet's leaders. The rulers fought a war that was because of an ancient blood feud amongst the elite. They continued to fight because they were not the ones actually fighting. But war is tiring even for those who command and the summit that had been called was a sign of Jazara's war fatigue. Everyone on the planet was war weary; all I had to do was to get the four sides to meet, to talk and to listen to each other.
As I sat amongst those most adversely affected by the constant war ,I suddenly felt my task was infinitely harder.
"Tell him Knight Kenobi is calling." I glanced over my shoulder, knowing no one was there, but cautious just the same. I had left the rebels to contact the leaders of the three nations. With two down and one to go, my confidence once again grew for a successful resolution to the mission. I had told them that I had been on planet for four days and had found the ones behind the terrorist attack; the rebels. I also told them that if they continued with the cease fire and the summit I would bring with me the leader of the rebels, not for arrest, but because I wanted them to listen to what he had to say. Two agreed and I awaited the third's response.
It was while I waited that the tingling I had experience once before resurfaced. This time it was more insistent and almost painful. A part of me was urging me into action and the Force was demanding it of me, but I could not see what it was that it wanted of me, I could not feel in which direction it was trying to push me.
Some how I stumbled through my third conversation. I terminated the call after his agreement and turned to find a blaster aimed at my heart. My Force sense was so distracted by the odd tingling that I had failed completely to sense anyone's approach.
"We warned you," he told me.
I would have argued that with them had it not been for oblivion claiming me as one of them struck me from behind with the base of their blaster.
"Who are you?"
"Hmm?" Not the cleverest thing I have ever uttered, however I was only just swimming up out of the darkness of unconsciousness and my mind was on fire with the urgent sense of danger. I tried to focus on the feeling and realised that it was not for me that the Force was humming out a warning, however it was telling me of the danger none the less.
"You heard me."
"I'm sorry, Heinton," I told the voice, finally able to gather my wits.
"For?" he asked as I trailed off. "For betraying us, me?"
"This is what you wanted; exposure."
"You were going to deliver him to them," Tipat accused me.
"No I wasn't, I was trying to facilitate talks," I told Heinton, ignoring all the others who had gathered to interrogate me. "Please Heinton, just listen to me."
He nodded, never losing his mask of anger.
"My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'm a Jedi knight. I was sent here to mediate in Jazara's peace talks."
"He's lying," someone called out.
"No he isn't." Heinton answered, losing some of his anger. "Go on."
"When I met you and your group I realised there were others who needed to be involved in the talks other that the nation leaders; you needed to be involved. I hoped to convince you to attend with me,"
"It's a trick to capture you."
"The governments don't care about you enough to want that. They are so wrapped up in their own affairs that you are not even an inconvenience; you are not worth the effort." They all know what I said was true even though some tried to deny it. "But I believe you should be at the summit and I can get you there."
"Don't fall for his lies, Heinton," Tipat yelled and rushed forward, an ugly looking knife clutched in his hand.
"Oh for Force sake," I muttered as he charged at me. The other rebels were completely unprepared for the attack and did nothing to stop him. With a small flick of the Force I removed the bonds that tied me and stood, lightsabre drawn.
Tipat stopped in his tracks, a bare inch from the edge of my blade.
"Heinton," I said without taking my eyes of the now terrified Tipat. "It is your choice, but know that had I wished to arrest you I could have done it at any time without the need for subterfuge.
We stood like that for a time until finally the leader of the rebel cause made his decision.
Things moved quickly after that, the four sides met and a loose peace settlement was agreed upon, one that could be built upon. I do not believe my presence on Jazara made a difference to this peace, except that I brought the leader of the rebel cause to the table, a cause supported by most of the people. It is just as well that all those at the summit sought some kind of resolution because through out the talks I was distracted; I could not hear them when they spoke but instead I heard whispers of other conversations.
"No," I had not realised I had spoken aloud until I saw the delegates were all staring at me.
"Ben?" Heinton appeared both concerned and a little annoyed at the interruption.
"Excuse me," I said and left the chamber, desperate to escape, not knowing from what nor knowing what it had been I had been denying. As I leant against a wall, I felt a gentle hand guide me to the floor. In my daze I could see Heinton kneeling by my side and I could even hear him saying my name, but in my mind there was screaming and agonising pain.
'Force, no, please let my apprentice go!'
A pain I had never felt before followed quickly after the desperate begging voice had spoken and then was followed by a second similar wave of pain. And just like that it all left me; the pain, the voices and the odd tingling. The vision had ended.
"Ben, are you well?"
"Heinton?" I squinted up at him, trying to orientate myself, I looked into his kind, all-seeing eyes and knew I could not lie to him. "I don't know."
I learnt much of Heinton's life as the talks progressed and realised that when I had insisted he be at the peace negotiations I had not made a mistake. He was kind and forgiving, but determined. He had a quiet strength about him that I have since found to be a comfort. He handled himself well when he confronted his world's leaders; he had been a trader and he used all his years of experience with dealing and negotiating with different peoples from all over the galaxy with good effect. My friendship with this man who I betrayed began on the cold marble floor of one of Jazara's most spectacular palaces, when he came to my aide, when he forgave me. The odd friendship that Heinton and I managed to forge even managed to last beyond my death.
"I must contact the Council," I whispered to him, trusting him with my weakness. I did not try and hide my vulnerability from him and allowed him to help me rise. "Thank you."
"You are welcome," he said and I could see in his eyes he meant for more that just his help just as I had when I thanked him. I bowed to him, showing him my deepest respect in the best way I know, as a Jedi knight know. He smiled.
"I will be fine, you should return to the others."
"Very well," he said, although he did not look particularly pleased by the prospect. He confirmed my thoughts when he added; "I don't know how you Jedi do it; being surrounded by bureaucrats all the time."
"No, I don't know how we do it either," he gave me an odd look so I explained. "My master used to tell me that I lacked patience."
Heinton walked away laughing.
"Knight Kenobi, this is a surprise," Master Windu said as I was put through to the Council chamber.
"I am sorry for disturbing you, but I…"
'I what?' I asked myself; I was not even sure what it was I had felt.
"Something to tell us you do?"
"Master Yoda…" I closed my eye, trying to focus on the brief vision and the voices that I had heard and pain I had felt. "Have there been any deaths within the Order?"
I finally managed to ask, pulling together all that the Force had told me and coming up with an answer I am willing to admit scared me. I look back on that moment, as I spoke to the Council, and I try to see it all more clearly, but it remains vague to me. To this day I am unsure if I imagined the brief look that passed between Mace and Yoda, although knowing what I do now it is likely that when I finally managed to ask my loathsome question the did share a glance, knowing in part what was to come and what was to become of me.
"Yes."
That one word filled me with grief, far more grief than I should have felt; I did not know who was dead and a Jedi controls his negative emotions. All this I knew and yet my entire soul was consumed with sorrow. It felt as though a fundamental part of my being had perished.
"Who?"
"Master Lay and her apprentice," said a distant voice to my strangled question.
"Obi-Wan? Well you are?"
"Yes, Master," I whispered, feeling adrift in the infinite nature of the Force and for the first time in my life feeling overwhelmed by it instead of comforted. "I just… I felt it happen in the Force."
What I had felt had been more than two deaths, I had not just felt their passing, I had felt their sorrow, their desperation and their end and I had seen it. However, I was not yet ready to tell the Council.
"Felt it also I did, young Kenobi, understand your grief I do."
That day, when Yoda spoke those words to me, I did feel some relief and I believe that was his intent, but I now know that he was, in essence, lying to me; no Jedi has felt that kind of pain, not for a millennium since the last Force Warrior walked the halls of the Jedi Temple and protected the Order from the evils of the galaxy.
"How go the talks?" Mundi asked me, perhaps trying to distract me so that I would stop dwelling on a pain best left alone, for it was or rather is a pain that will never fade. It is the agony of my failure and the death of one whom I was to protect; each death stays with me and will do so until the day I join the Force and even then I am not sure my soul will entirely be at rest.
"I believe they will be finished within the next cycle."
"Good," Mace continued. "We have another mission waiting for you."
"May the Force be with you, Knight Kenobi," Yaddle bid me just as I disconnected the communication. Yaddle, who has ever been the voice of my heart within the Council and who can reach into even the most hidden parts of my heart, can always find words to soothe me. She did not fail me that first time, or a single time since.
The talks did end within the cycle and a fragile peace was formed. My part in Jazara's history ended with my departure, but the peace forged in those first few uneasy days did last, mainly thanks to the second Jedi team sent there in my place and because of Heinton. I left Jazara feeling hollow; the two deaths that I had felt still lingered within me and no matter how much I meditated, I could not release the feelings into the Force, I of course know now that it was a futile effort. That is what it means to be the Jedi protector: every death remains with me, the Force unforgiving of my failure. I did not know what it meant then, but I do now and in truth it is these first three deaths that haunt me the most. They linger still in the forefront of my mind. I should have gone to them, it was my duty to protect them and I failed them.
The mission following Jazara is a blur to me, even now. Suspecting what had happened, the Council sent me to witness a coronation so that I had time to adjust to my new, growing senses. Nearly four months after leaving Coruscant came the mission that would change my life and in doing so would change Qui-Gon's, also.
"Go to Dante you will, distressed the king is, believe pirates are targeting his cargo ships he does."
"Yes, Master."
I never made it to Dante, something else came up.
This time when the tingling started, so too, came the voices. I allowed them, allowed it all to take me over, to consume me as I sat in my cabin. I saw Master Sona, I saw the raiders waiting for her, her unknowing of their imminent attack. The raiders had a limited use of the Force, yet they had learnt how to conceal themselves within the natural tides of the Force's flow. If you knew to look, their presence was obvious, but Sona did not know. There were dozens of them; some waited ahead of the master while others closed in behind her. She would be trapped and she would not survive the ensuing battle.
The vision subsided and I found myself lying on the cabin floor. Although the intensity of the vision had lessened, I could still feel her and the danger she was in; the sheer feeling pulled at my very being. I ran to the cockpit where the two pilots were engaged in a semi-friendly conversation. I did not wait for them to acknowledge me.
"Take us out of lightspeed," I demanded.
"What?"
"Drop out of lightspeed," I repeated the order, pausing briefly to consult my senses. "Set a course for Zenton."
"Listen," the co-pilot said, irritated by my interruption. "You maybe a Jedi, but we have responsibilities. There are passengers back there who want to go to Dante."
"You must," I could not keep the desperation out of my voice although it did not seem to have any discernable effect of the two men. The co-pilot stood, standing tall, trying to intimidate me.
"No."
Knight Kenobi might have given up at that point and contacted the Council and urged them to send someone to Sona's aide. It was at that moment that the Warrior stirred. The darkened cockpit was suddenly bathed in an eerie blue light. I lifted my lit lightsabre so that it came close enough to the pilot's cheek that he would have been able to feel the warmth of the blade.
"Do as I say," I said. I did not have to force the threat into my voice, it was already there. I had to get to Sona and nothing was going to prevent me. "I will not ask again."
The pilots looked at me with fear. I can imagine what they saw and part of me is sad for the image I must take in my duty. They looked upon cold eyes, ragged hair and pale skin made more deathly by the blue light of my sabre. I had become death and they would not stand in my way.
I stood behind them the entire journey, reminding them of my threat with my presence. When we arrive at Zenton they looked at me expectantly and I believe they were relieved when I told them,
"You can leave, I'll make my own way back."
The coldness had not left me as I set foot on the planet and I knew that a fight lay before me. I would find Sona, I would protect her and the part of me that had awakened knew that it must be done in secret. Back then I did not know what it was that drove me, why I felt compelled to act as I did, however, despite my ignorance I did know that it was not yet time for me to reveal myself. I did not know what it was I had become and I did not want others to know either.
I ran through the forest of Zenton, knowing my time was short. I sought the knowledge that somehow lay within my mind that the Force had placed there for reasons unclear to me. I found what I was looking for within myself and made my way to Sona.
I killed them, I killed them all and she never even realised that they were there or that I had been there. The Dark reached out to me as I encountered the first group of killers of that had been following Sona on her journey. The Darkness seemed to come from their pores in waves. They showed no mercy and I showed none in return. I took out the second group and then circled Sona so that I could kill those that were left, those that lay in wait for her.
They all died that day and the Jedi knight in me mourns their death and is sure that there could have been a better way, a way less consumed with blood, but the Jedi Warrior in me knows better, the part of me that can sense what no other can, that felt the flows and tides of battle for that day, knew that there was only one path to take. Sona's mission did not matter, why they wished to murder her did not either, all that mattered to my instincts was that she was in danger and that I must protect her.
That is what has been the most difficult part to accept; for me, everything else is secondary to protecting the Jedi. To begin with, at times, it did create a conflict within me as a knight and as Shadow. This battle though, which wars within me, can never be won because I am both of these. Because although in times of peace it may seem black and white, in our times of shadow there are shades of grey. The Sith do not compromise and I cannot afford to either.
Kill or be killed. I do not slaughter the innocent; I do, however, reap deathly justice on those who would kill a Jedi and on those who work as part of the gathering Darkness.
After they lay dead, I tracked Sona for a time. I knew, however, that she was now safe or at least safe for a Jedi. Jedi still die though I protect them, but I must go to those who could not have saved themselves, if Sona got into trouble from then on it was none that she should not be able to handle. I left her to find a way off planet before someone noticed my presence.
Covered in the blood of my enemies and stowed away on a cargo ship headed to Force knew where, I sat on a crate, unseeing of everything around me. I had left my pack on the other ship and so only had what I wore and my lightsabre. I clutched the weapon in my hand, feeling that it had become even more important to my fate. A Jedi's sabre is their lifeline and symbol of their power, my sabre had become the life line of the Order and to countless Jedi who I had yet to save. I held it in my hand and cried. Tears welled up in my eyes and streaked down my cheeks; I made no sound as I sobbed, I remained undetected. I did not understand what was happening and I was afraid, but for some reason all I could think of was the loss of a stone given to me by my master. It had been in the pack of the other ship. I grieved for its loss and now I know that I was grieving for the loss of him.
When the cargo ship docked I snuck off and found myself a quiet corner. By then I had gathered my raw nerves and scattered feelings and so I felt ready for what I had to do next; I contacted the Council.
"Master," I said by way of greeting.
"Knight Kenobi, why aren't you on Dante?" Mace demanded, sounding very angry. "The pilots of the ship you highjacked have registered an official complaint."
"I went to Zenton," I told him, knowing that it did not answer his question and if the pilots had contacted the Temple, the Council knew this already.
"Explain why you did this you must," Yoda told me and in his voice I heard no anger, but perhaps a trace of sadness.
"I followed the will of the Force."
"Explain!" Mundi jumped in before Mace had a chance. At the time I believed I had disappointed Master Yoda and angered my master's oldest friend, Mace Windu. However, I now look back upon that memory, as I do with most of what happened in those early days, and what I believed I saw was not in fact the case at all. I did hear anger in Mace's voice, but it was not directed at me and Master Yoda, well who can ever truly say what the mysterious little troll is ever really thinking, but I do know that he was not disappointed with me, but saddened by the path that he knew had just opened up before me. Mundi on the other hand, I have never really got along with; neither one of us at fault really, just a clash of personalities between a traditionalist and a rogue.
"I followed the will of the Force," I said not intending to ridicule him as it was all I could think to say, but it seems my baiting of the Council began early even if my intention had been the opposite.
"Explain!" was demanded of me again, this time by Mace whose voice sounded a little less aggressive.
"I felt it in the Force; danger. And Sona, I saw her die a thousand times over at the hands of Darkness. So, I went to her and I saved her."
"Did she see you?"
If I had been paying more attention to the Council and less to my internal struggle I may have been surprised at the question. When I had landed on Zenton I had consciously decided to remain hidden and here was the Jedi Council asking me the same question I had asked my self.
"No," was all I could answer.
"Obi-Wan," and this time Mace's voice was full of kindness and compassion. "Go to Andeere; Yoda and I will meet you there."
"Very well," I agreed seeing no reason why I should argue with him.
"May the Force be with you, Knight Kenobi."
"And you, my masters."
"You made good time," I said by way of greeting as I emerged from shadows and night. As soon as I had arrived on Andeere I had sought out the quiet bar that Mace had sent me instructions to find and upon entering the main cozy, little room I saw the other two Jedi waiting. I went to their table and sat with them not realising I had hidden myself from them, not realising I had already become a Shadow.
"Here we already were, waiting for you we have been."
From the way he sat and the how his ears drooped slightly I knew that Yoda did not mean the hours it took for me to reach Andeere. They had been waiting for something else and when they heard the tale of the two pilots I had threatened they knew their waiting was over. They had left Coruscant knowing that this conversation must happen in secret. Here they waited until I contacted the Council. On Andeere they had taken part in the meeting and once I confirmed all they believed had come to pass, they directed me to that tiny, unimportant moon so that they could tell me my fate.
"What have I become?" I asked them, knowing that something was different.
"Become nothing you have, always been it you have."
"Master, please," I begged, not being able to stand his cryptic words in my time of terror.
"You are aware of the prophecies in the Temple library?" Mace asked, taking over for Yoda, knowing that I was on the edge of my endurance for mystery.
"Some."
"One tells of a Force sensitive born of war, who fights as though he has become death. He or she is linked to all those in the galaxy that can feel the currents of the Force and in particular those who are trained and wield purposefully. For the Darkness he is the destroyer of the Jedi and for the Light he is our protector."
"Sensed in you I did, when young you were, your potential." Yoda could not look at me as he told me that he had done, how he had meddled in my life as a boy. "Knew I did that for the Jedi you must fight, hoped to bind you to us I did."
"Qui-Gon," I said sorrowfully.
"Yes, but ahead of me the Force planned, protected itself it already had."
"The Soulbond."
"Know of it you do?"
"Yes," I told them. "For a while now I have felt it within my mind."
"Anchor you to the Light it will, while fighting the Darkness you do."
"What happens now?" I asked, dreading the answer because I knew that nothing they could say would bring peace to me.
"You tell us," Mace said. "Don't force it Obi-Wan, you are the Jedi Warrior, only you know what must come next."
"I die," I said, and they looked shocked at my declaration, but that did not deter me. "I must live in shadows," I continued, drawing from a place that was new to me, but has since become familiar and comforting.
"I must hide within death itself so that I may prevent the unthinkable from happening to others."
"And Qui-Gon?"
To hear his name at that moment caused my grief to almost overwhelm me. I remembered my tears on the cargo ship and the loss of my most precious position and it was then that I realised that I had been grieving for the loss of my master.
"He cannot know," I said, my voice broken. "It is not yet time. Though the soulbond is a shining light to me, our duty must come first. I must be the unseen Shadow and he, he has a future I cannot yet see, although I do sense that for now I am not a part of it."
"Go then you will."
"Yes."
"Alone you will be in a cold galaxy, that love you must remember or conquer you the Darkness will," Yoda reached into his robe and pulled out a small item. "Help this might."
I took what he held into my own hand and immediately felt warmth. I looked down at the object that I held and was confronted by a familiar sight. The stone that Qui-Gon had given me lay in my palm, safe and sound and back where it belonged.
"The stewards of the ship you borrowed returned your pack to the Temple, so we brought you what we thought you might be wanting."
"Thank you," I whispered, clasping the stone tightly in my hand.
"Parted for a time you were, but brought back to you it has been, perhaps the same can be said of other things also." Yoda's words, though not a seeing of a future, weere a comfort to me for they were words of hope and in that solitary moment, when I felt most alone in the galaxy, hope was all I had. I stood and bowed low to them in thanks and in farewell.
"I will leave now, I will arrange my own death."
"Good luck, Obi-Wan, may the Force be with you."
Never have those words meant as much to me as they did then. Yes, let the Force be with me, guide me because that was all I possessed to aide me in my duty. I left them, never looking back, to become a living Shadow, guided by the Force; death would protect me so that I may protect the Jedi.
Orchestrating my death was far easier than I had ever hoped, especially with the Council's knowledge; they could report my demise as they wished and find whatever evidence they so desired, all I needed was one person to help me.
I looked through the missions awaiting Jedi teams to be assigned to them and I picked one that would not suffer unduly should the first Jedi sent, me, never make it there. Tessie was perfect; it was the only inhabited planet of a far, lonely solar system, isolated near the rim. Crafts, for years, had been known to be attacked in the surrounding space by pirates and other space raiders, for many years people had died in the empty space surrounding Tessie.
I sent a communication to the Council telling them that I accepted the mission to Tessie and that I had managed to gain the use of a small ship to transport me there. And then, then I contacted someone who I could trust, someone whose friendship had been forged quickly and through a lie. Heinton. The growth of our friendship is difficult to quantify; I had not expected it and we had known each other but a short time. But, he was an honourable man, pushed to the extremes to protect the ones he loved; he understood secrets and deception and the shades of grey that exist in the galaxy that are so often forgot. He, more than most, would understand my need.
I asked him to meet me, secretly, en rout to Tessie. He did so, without the need for explanation. I boared his vessel, my mind deep in thought on what had to come next. I went to his ship's weapons array and blasted my shuttle from existence. Before I let those missiles go I whispered a quiet farewell to the one I loved, whose dream I was killing along with my own.
"Didn't like the décor?" Heinton asked me as I stood gazing at the flaming wreckage.
"Ha, ha." I did not laugh, but I was released from my morbid thoughts. I am amazed at how quickly and easily I can turn off my own emotions and focus on the necessary; Jedi must release their feelings into the Force in meditation, I don't have that luxury. My feelings drain from me in a tide I do not control, only to come again as the tide returns.
We left the burning ship in space, just another doomed vessel out of thousands lost to the dangers of space.
"Where to?" Heinton asked me.
"Wherever," I told him, because for now it did not matter where I went; I was not needed yet.
"Obi-Wan?" Heinton tentatively asked.
"Yes?"
"Nothing," he replied after a moment filled with silence containing words that I could not say, but he heard nonetheless.
Heinton and I have never been great talkers, but we have always understood each other. He had been trying to protect his people and his only weapon had been destruction and on some level so was mine. We both used death for our ends in our own way.
"What will you do now?" he asked as we entered lightspeed.
"I will become death," I told him, although in this one matter I do not think he understood. Even now, with years between, I do not believe he comprehends, no one can, not even Qui-Gon. It is my tragedy to bear alone; to be Shadow, to be Death to not be at all.
Part One – Epilogue
The ship burns and I watch it, almost detached from all that I am seeing. I should be thinking of the future, of where I must go next. I cannot. All I can see is the future I had once dreamed of, dissolving before my eyes. Love had been my dream, what I though the future would hold for me; instead the future is darkness and death. I will spend my life fighting for those who will not know my name.
I sound bitter, even to myself; I am. I wanted to be loved by Qui-Gon, more than anything else, wanted it more than perhaps a Jedi should. Fire burns in that shuttle as it burns in my veins. The ferocity of my new sense engulfs me in flames and I begin to understand better my growing abilities. If I close my eyes and look at the galaxy from within, I can feel them, all of them, every Jedi that lives; I can feel those on the rim or on Coruscant, those at rest or in battle, their lives spill within my mind and somewhere, amongst them, is Qui-Gon.
I won't seek him out; to do so would be an indulgence and an exercise in masochism. I turn my thoughts from the shattered future and instead turn my mind to the past. I may not have Qui-Gon now, but I did, not so long ago. So with the light of flames caressing my face, I sit in shadows, remembering what went before.