For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1 (and maybe the additional warnings posted with chapters 7 & 8)

Chapter 9: A Silence Explained
(Sam's POV)

I can't believe Daniel is blaming himself for this.

"Daniel, you couldn't possibly have predicted what was going to happen," I tell him, "none of us could have. Yes, you are our contact specialist but you are not God and you are just as in the dark about what we will be stepping into whenever we walk across that gate as the rest of us. Even with as many probes as we can send through the most we can hope to achieve is to get a general idea of just what lies in the immediate vicinity of a specific gate and even that is not always particularly reliable. I mean, how many times have we walked straight into an ambush by now?"

"But the thing is that when we step through that gate I know I don't have the necessary information. I should have remembered that and that is why I should have made safety a priority over my own curiosity," he insists.

"Well, I'm not in any position to cast stones when it comes to letting my curiosity get the best of me," I remind him.

"Maybe not but the fact is that it wasn't my safety I was gambling with, it was yours."

"First of all, I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself and the truth is that in spite of everything that happened I'm grateful for the fact that you actually respected me enough not to think that I had to be protected, I'm grateful for the fact that you trusted my ability to keep myself safe. Also, we are making the rules up as we go here, I know that much, and the truth is that part of the problem was that I was just so damned naive when we went to Simarka that I left myself exposed. That wasn't your fault, that was my own damned stupidity," I admit.

"But if I hadn't..." he starts before I cut him off again.

"It wasn't your fault, you weren't the only one who was dreaming of perfect alien worlds, believe me. The truth is that I had hoped that by stepping through the gate I would finally be able to leave sexism behind and I wasn't about to let such little things as reality, evidence and the most obvious facts get in my way, even though I really should have known better. I had this idea of what other worlds should be like and I just saw what I wanted to see. Even when Abu freaked after he first realized I was a woman I refused to understand his reaction, to see it for what it was: a clear sign of what the Shavadai perceived to be the role and place of women in their society... in fact I even went so far as to ask you if I had something on my face, remember? The thing is that I expected alien cultures to be like my own --better than my own-- and I was unwilling to make any allowances for any cultural differences. That was my fault, not yours. You may be our contact specialist but I was the one who was adamant about not bending even in the face of overwhelming evidence. I was determined to have the men in that world accept me as an equal, to have them respect me as a warrior when that is something that hasn't even happened here on earth. I mean, I don't know what I could possibly have been thinking. I guess in a way I was still hoping for some idyllic world or something like that even after I had been on more than enough missions to know that that wasn't going to happen. I should have realized long before that mission that what we found in Simarka represented a far more likely scenario than what I was hoping to find..."

"But you are not an anthropologist, you said so yourself, remember?" he insists.

"Yes, you are right, I'm not an anthropologist but I wasn't born yesterday either... even if I kept acting like I was. I knew most of the civilizations we had encountered so far --that most of the civilizations we were bound to encounter-- were based on old earth cultures and I didn't once stop to think about what the fact that I was a woman was going to mean in that context? How could I possibly have been that naive? Even though I wasn't aware of the specific details when it came to the Mongols, the fact remains that I was aware of how women had been perceived throughout human history here on earth and what we found in Simarka made perfect sense in that context... though I'll grant you that in some aspects they did carry it to the extreme.

"The thing is that you may be our contact specialist but I shouldn't have been so oblivious, after all I do know better. Even here on earth the changes regarding a woman's perceived position in society are a recent development and those changes are not exactly universal. That is something I haven't just read about, it's something I've seen, something I've lived with every day of my life. Let's face it, the truth is that in the US women didn't get the vote until 1920. Back in 1945 Catherine was not allowed to work on the stargate mainly because she was a woman and it wasn't even questioned, it was just a fact, a fact she accepted at the time... but that's not all. That's just basic history, things that happened before I was born. I also remember how when I was growing up there were still plenty of things I was routinely told I'd never be able to do because I was a girl, things that weren't deemed 'proper interests' for me --and that definitely included becoming a pilot-- though by that time it was nowhere near as bad as it had been a couple of decades earlier. I was eleven by the time women were first admitted to the Air Force Academy and even though they were admitted they were far from welcome. That was still the case eight years later... and that's just in our own country. If you look at the world picture things are much worse. Even today all you have to do is turn on the news to hear about the Taliban, about the many countries in which for a woman --but not for a man-- adultery is a crime punishable by death, and I expected things to be different off-world, when I knew most of those cultures stemmed from earth civilizations that existed hundreds if not thousands of years ago? I was stupid, I should have known better... especially because even though Simarka was one of our first missions it was not our first mission, in fact it wasn't even our first encounter with what was clearly a male-dominated society in which women were perceived as being the property of their fathers or their husbands. I mean even on Abydos..."

"On Abydos what?" asks Daniel and I want to smack myself for letting that slip but I know there's no turning back so I decide to push forward.

"Sorry, I know you love that world, I know they are your friends, your family, and that you still think of it as being home, but the fact remains that even on Abydos a woman is seen as a piece of property, something that can actually be given away by her male relatives. I know you love Sha're, I know you would never do anything to hurt her and I know she loves you too, I saw it when I was there, but the truth is that she was given to you. She was a present and I seriously doubt that her opinion was taken into account when the decision to make her your wife was made in the first place."

"I would never have done anything to hurt her, you know that, don't you?" asks Daniel, and I can't help but cringe when I realize how uncertain he is suddenly sounding. I really hadn't meant to hurt him but before I can say anything he goes on. "In fact in the beginning I was totally appalled by what was going on but I soon realized that I would hurt her more by rejecting her than by accepting her because she wouldn't have been able to understand why I was rejecting her in the first place. At that time she would have seen my rejection as a rejection of her rather than as a rejection of a culture that was entirely different from my own and I didn't have the words to explain my reasons to her or to those around her. Back then I knew she would have been unable to understand that I was appalled by the fact that her own father thought of her as his property, that in my own world view it was the fact that she had been given to me at all that was inconceivable but that that didn't mean I didn't want her... that it didn't mean I found her to be unworthy. That's why I agreed to take her as my wife in the first place, even though the whole thing made me incredibly uncomfortable... and then I fell in love with her. I can promise you that she was never forced."

"I know that... I know you," I reassure him. "I have no doubt whatsoever that you always treated her kindly but the thing is that you didn't have to, that's the point I'm trying to make here. According to Abydonian law she belonged to you, she was yours to do with as you pleased and even though I know how much you loved her and I know you would never have done anything to hurt her, are you saying that all the men on Abydos treated their women like that?"

"No, they didn't, nor do they all treat women with respect here no matter how many laws we try to make about it, but that's not what this is all about, is it?" he asks.

"No, it's just that sometimes I get so mad..."

"And that is what is commonly referred to as being human. I'd be more worried if you weren't, to tell you the truth," he says, trying to lighten the mood.

"I'm trying to keep it together but it's hard," I admit.

"I know you are and I'm not suggesting that you find a dark corner to crawl into and stay there for the rest of your life, I'm not saying that you should be crying your eyes out 24/7 but that doesn't mean that you can't pretend that nothing's happened here and it doesn't mean that you can't pretend that everything is just fine."

"I have to, there is no other way," I insist, realizing that that is something I'm going to have no choice but to try to explain to him... and that it is also something I seriously doubt he'll ever fully understand.

"What do you mean? Why were you so adamant about keeping this whole thing quiet in the first place? Why go through this alone, Sam? We could have been there for you," he insists.

"It was my choice," I say before I realize that that was probably not the best way to phrase that.

"What!" he yells, right on schedule.

"Not telling you, it was my choice," I say, hoping to get my meaning across a little better this time around.

"I know that, but why? Why didn't you trust us? Why didn't you trust me?"

"It's not that I didn't trust you, Daniel. Trust had nothing to do with it," I try to explain even though I know I'm not being entirely honest with him. I do trust him now but back then things were nowhere near as clear cut in that regard... after all, I had just met him a couple of weeks prior.

"Then why?" he asks, still looking more than a little hurt.

"Because I didn't want to be kicked out of SG-1. I didn't want Turghan to take that away from me... he had already taken enough and I wasn't willing to give him anything else," I explain, knowing that I'm putting my life in his hands but also knowing that I don't really have much of a choice here.

"What?" he exclaims.

"Remember, Daniel, Simarka was one of our first missions and even with just the evidence of the beating General Hammond was deeply worried... he was already questioning the wisdom of having women assigned to off-world teams," I remind him. "He was afraid that our work was just too dangerous. What do you think he would have done if I had told him that I had been raped? I mean, if it were to happen now I'm not sure he would pull me off the team. I think by now he trusts me to keep myself safe as much as he trusts anyone else and he has come to terms with the fact that our job is extremely dangerous but back then he too was just trying to figure out what it was that we had gotten ourselves into. Now he knows the dangers we face out there but back then things were different. From his perspective it was bad enough that one of the first casualties had been a woman who had been beaten for no other reason than the fact that she was a woman, but if he had known that there had been more to that incident than that, if he had known that that woman had also been raped as a result of the cultural differences between earth and the civilizations that exist out there he would almost certainly have decided that the risks we were taking just by being out there weren't worth it... or if he hadn't then a higher up would probably have. I couldn't take that chance. I know things are different now. I know that ever since..."

"Since Hathor?" asks Daniel after I trail off. I really hadn't wanted him to pick up on that one but I guess it's too late for me to do anything about it. Even now Hathor is one mess we are all careful not to mention in Daniel's presence. Still, seeing how it can no longer be avoided, I decide to forge ahead with what I was trying to say in the first place.

"Yes, ever since Hathor almost succeeded in taking over the base by taking advantage of the fact that the vast majority of the SGC's personnel is male I think General Hammond has come to realize that gender is a vulnerability that can cut both ways. He now knows that there may well be circumstances in which it will be the men who will find themselves at a serious disadvantage as a result of being male. In that regard Hathor taught us a valuable lesson about our own weaknesses, one lesson that pointed out just how different things are out there and how our own preconceived notions may be used against us as we explore other worlds.

"Hathor taught us that because of the basic differences between human and Goa'uld biology and society there will be instances in which the men will be the ones who will be left exposed and that if we intend to survive diversity has to be a key component of the SGC. The thing is that even though we know that now we didn't know it then. Back in the beginning that was not the case... far from it. It was before the mission to Abydos so you weren't here at the time but the thing is that when I first met him the colonel had to be ordered to accept me as part of his team and it was an order he came pretty close to refusing... and he wasn't the only one. He wasn't the only one who assumed I was ill fitted to be a member of an off-world team because I'm a woman.

"The truth is that the ones who call the shots in the Air Force and in the military as a whole are a group of men and even back then they weren't sure whether or not I'd be able to cut it... they weren't sure whether or not it was safe for me to be assigned to the SGC even though I was by far the one who was best qualified for the job. If the Chiefs had known what was out there from the very beginning they would never have allowed it simply because women are not usually assigned to combat positions. That is a matter of standard military policy but at first they assumed that our job was going to have to do mostly with exploration, not combat, and by the time they realized that they had made a mistake in that regard I was already part of the team and pulling me would have created an awkward situation to say the least. Telling them about Turghan would have given them the perfect excuse to pull me out. Besides..."

"What is it?"

"This is going to sound incredibly silly," I say hoping that he'll take the hint and let it drop even though I do know better.

"I don't think so, Sam, not if it's upsetting you like this."

"It's just that this whole thing went down back when Warner was in charge of the infirmary and I didn't want him to..."

"It was before Janet was transferred to the SGC and you weren't comfortable with a male doctor, is that it?" asks Daniel, filling in the blanks on his own but that doesn't keep me from feeling utterly pathetic. Talk of a stupid and irrational reaction.

"Yeah, I mean, I know it doesn't make sense. I'm used to dealing with male doctors... let's face it, they are the vast majority when it comes to the Air Force and that's a fact I've dealt with on a daily basis all my life. I had never even given it a second thought up to that point but after everything that had happened I just didn't want him anywhere near me... not if it could possibly be avoided."

"So you kept quiet."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time, to tell you the truth it still does," I say, shrugging my shoulders and hoping that he will let it go.

"But you can't deal with this on your own, you need to tell someone. You need professional help to handle this situation, you know that, don't you?" he insists.

"But that's never really been an option, don't you see?" I say. "If anyone were to find out that I kept this out of my report now I would be in a world of hurt. Concealing something like this would definitely not be something the general would be inclined to overlook and there are enough classified aspects to the whole story that I'm stuck in a catch-22 anyway. I work on a highly classified project --a highly classified project that had a lot to do with what happened to me in the first place-- and that basically kills off all my options when it comes to getting 'professional help' because it means that I can't go to a counselor who doesn't have the necessary clearance. In other words, seeking someone I trust who is not affiliated with both the SGC and the military definitely is not an option no matter what... and there's no way I'm going to talk about this with someone who is affiliated with the military. Besides you do remember how wide the choice of psychologists working at the SGC is, don't you?"

"MacKenzie," he whispers and I know he understands.

"Exactly. Seeing how I work at the SGC and this incident was mission related 'getting professional help' would translate into being ordered to see MacKenzie. He is my only choice, and while the man may be good when it comes to diagnosing and prescribing drugs the truth is that he has all the empathy of a bulldozer, I saw that when you were missing... when we thought you were dead. He may be a psychologist but from what I've seen of him he is convinced that emotions are a disease that needs to be cured. He may be able to understand brain chemistry but he certainly doesn't have the first clue when it comes to understanding people. I'm not talking to him about this, not if there is any way I can possibly avoid it."

"But..."

"It's okay, Daniel, really. I mean, yes, this whole thing hasn't exactly been fun but I've been reading about it, trying to understand and that's helped a lot. I know I can get over it. I'm going to be fine, I promise... it's just going to take some time, that's all," I reassure him, hoping that he will believe me.

"But you are not alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm no psychologist but if you ever need to talk I'm here," he tells me and somehow I know this isn't over... far from it.

Author's note: Hi guys, first of all, for those of you in the UK I hope you and your families are safe after the recent events. Also, thank you for your reviews, I'm glad to hear you are still following this (I'm not sure whether or not 'enjoying' is a word that can be used to describe this particular story). Hopefully this chapter explained why Sam was so afraid when Daniel first confronted her and why she decided to keep quiet.