No, I have to stop this. I have to be strong. What are they going to think of me; crying into my pillow like a kid. But the Maru is where I feel safe and protected from the outside world and all of its horrors. Seems strange, this is, after all, where some of the worst times of my life were spent with my dad on flash or running from debt collectors, and worse. The Maru will always be my home though and it will always be where I come for comfort.
I hear the airlock open and someone stumbles in, can't they understand that I just want to be alone? Away from everyone so that I don't feel guilty anymore. If I stay here long enough the feeling will go away.
The person comes into the room behind me and I resolutely stay turned towards the wall, not moving at all except for a few remaining shudders as my sobs die away.
"Boss, please I just…"
It was Harper, my heart stopped, he sounded so lost so helpless. I slowly rolled over and looked at him. He seemed devastated and I quickly averted my gaze, all of the guilt and self-recrimination flooding back. If I had looked out for him more this would never have happened. He couldn't even finish a sentence when talking to me but I understood. I realised that the Maru was just as much a safe haven for Harper as it was for me, perhaps even more, and I nodded silently as I walked towards the door.
"It isn't your fault."
I wanted to start crying again but Harper need this retreat more than me and I have to let him have it. One more glance towards him and then I left walking at first but then speeding up until I was running and didn't stop until I reached my quarters on Andromeda.
He might not blame me, but I certainly did.