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Solace
A little piece of my soul dies every time I see this door. Oh there is nothing special about this particular entrance. No curses have been placed in the dark wood, no hexes on the simple silver knob. But all the same, I stand in the cool dank, staring at this door, and feel a part of myself slipping away. I know if I walk through that door I will never find that part again. Somehow the trade seems worth it. What use have I for a soul when I'm not alive? I am move and breathe but there's nothing there. Not anymore.
I raise my hand and knock twice, two quick sharp raps. No turning back now. The door opens and there he is. The cruel black eyes, hooked nose, lanky hair and of course the damning sneer. The night wouldn't be complete without the disgusted sneer that showed me exactly what I was. A filthy, worthless animal.
Without conscious thought my feet carry me across the threshold, passed the man holding the door for me and into the dark classroom. How many times have I come here? How many times have we played this game? I only seek him out when I can't bear it anymore. When the memories become too heavy and the pain too consuming I find myself at his door. Oh it's not about love, don't worry. I think I have lost the ability to love another and I don't know if he ever had it. No, it's not love that sends me scurrying to the dungeons, into his arms. It's not even mild affection. Severus doesn't like me in any way. I'm not even sure if he likes men as a rule. No, it's the power over me he likes. That's what keeps his door open to me. Every time I come gives him an excuse to exact a little bit more vengeance, a little more pain. And I let him.
It's very simple why I allow it, really. It's an escape. For a few moments I can forget all those I've lost. I can forget Harry, the child I promised to protect only to fail as he defeated Voldermort, freeing the wizarding world at the cost of his life. I can forget James and Lily, the friends I couldn't save. Sirius, the brother I failed to shield. Even Peter, the last remaining tie to my childhood destroyed months earlier when the fool ran afoul of the Dark Lord. Looking at the man before me I reminded myself I had one last tie to that time. Maybe that was why I had chosen to come to him. In truth, Severus was all I had left.
He pulled me to him with rough hands and I stood meekly in his embrace. I was so tired of carrying this weight every second of every day. Why did I have to survive? Why was I the only one left to tell the glorious tales of the bravery of our fallen heroes to the next generation of wizards? Surely fate could have found a more suitable candidate. One who was not so broken.
His lips met mine with bruising force and I twined my arms around his neck, dragging him closer. Yes, let me find some peace in your hatred. The pain he inflicted was physical; it touched only my body but for a moment it was enough to block out the other more dangerous pain. It gives me a chance to breathe before I have to shoulder that regret once more. I think I would go mad without these tiny little respites.
With harsh hands he pulls me into his private chambers, into his bedroom, and I can't think of any place I'd rather be. How sad that this man whom I once hated with such passion has become my very salvation. As his hands run down my body the voices in my head quiet. James's contagious laugh disappears taking Sirius's mischievous grin and Peter's timid smile with it. I can escape their memory for a time. Forget I am the last of them, the last Marauder to ever grace Hogwarts' hallowed halls.
As he pushes me down on the bed my breathing becomes heavier. The feel of his hands on my body overrides my worries. His hot mouth trailing down my chest melt away my concerns. In his arms I'm free to feel again. Superficial feelings perhaps but at least I can pretend I am alive. Twisting beneath him I arch my head back, riding the delicious, rare feelings that he inspires. I often wonder if he would continue these dalliances if he knew exactly how much comfort I took in this exquisite pain. That knowledge might be enough to convince him his vengeance wasn't enough to induce him to touch me and that I could not bear. Without him I would truly be lost in the darkness of my own mind with no way of ever finding my way back. Only with him in my arms, in my body, do I not feel completely desolate.
Later as I lie still, my heartbeat slowing and our bodies cooling in the chilling air of the dungeons, I allow myself to close my eyes and rest. This is the first time I've been at peace in weeks. The stillness, of course, never lasts. As soon as his harsh breathing has returned to its usual steady rhythm he rises from the bed, dragging a robe over his pale, bare skin.
"Get out."
The only words he has spoken to me all night. The only words he ever says when we meet like this. I draw in one more deep breath but already the voices are whispering in my head. There is nothing left for me here. Swinging my feet over the side I grab my robes from the floor and throw them on. He doesn't even bother to look at me as I make my way out of his room. Back in the dank of the hall I turn my feet towards the upper floors of the castle. There I'll meet people who care about me, worry about me. I'll smile and pretend everything is fine, that I'm not bleeding inside. With the memory of what Severus has done to me still so fresh in my mind maybe I can stand their love without going completely and utterly mad.
Maybe.