Disclaimer: I do not own The Fairly Odd Parents, or any of the characters in this story, but I'm the one who's named some of them.

Author's Note: My apologies! I never meant to delay the update so long. With all the reading I've been doing, plus getting those damn power chords down, and then begging my parents for rides to karate lessons…needless to say, it's been a tad crazy over here. Now that Thanksgiving is done, though, I should have plenty of times for updating and I'm hoping to have this finished soon after Christmas break (this story should have, at the most, eight chapters by completion).

So I thank you all for being so patient. I really hope you all find this chapter as enjoyable as the others (I'm not entirely satisfied with it, and I'll probably end up re-uploading it when I add Chapter Four).

Chapter 3: No Way In Hell Is My Niece Going to Marry a Weakling

"Hey, uh, Big Daddy," Dominic was saying to me. "I love the plan and all, but why exactly do you need to spy on us while we act stupid?"

"Because," I growled, "this is my daughter we're trying to help out here."

Vinny questioned me next. "How are we helping her by taking away the man she supposedly loves?"

I hated hearing that more than you will ever imagine. "Nobody with that brain capacity is capable of loving Wanda more than her family. Have I made myself clear?"

"Uh…yes?"

"Good! Now, go get the rest of our little team, here, and meet us out back."

Without a single word, Dominic and Vinny left my office.

"This better work," I said to myself. "Because if that scoundrel isn't out of my life…"

What we decided to do was have some family take Cosmo out for the day. They had all agreed to act like morons wherever they may have gone, so maybe they could drive him away from us for good. And to assure that everything would go according to plan, my brothers and I would watch from afar. I know, it ain't exactly the perfect idea, but I figured it would get the job done. And besides that, Cosmo doesn't look very easy to fool.

And the family was pretty easy to gather up, too. We had Vinny, the wimpy girly man. Tony, the mentally unstable (and now that I think about it, slightly Cosmo-like) one. Genaro, the one who looks up to me and is completely jealous of anyone who will end up taking up the business. Sal, the oldest man on the job. And Dominic, who we stuck in because Piero wanted him outta his hair.

The only thing we needed to do was get Cosmo over here without Wanda knowing. Since Carmine heard her mention something about finding her dress today, we decided it'd be best to lure Cosmo over here. How were we going to do it? I've got three words for you; trail of cheese.

It was quite simple, actually. I sent Piero out to Cosmo's location--which was his mother's house. Of course, my daughter needed to pick a mamma's boy as well as a complete air head—and he poofed up a line of mozzarella leading from there out back. All I had to do was meet him there with the selected relatives.

"Hey, Big Daddy," Carmine stood in the doorway with Piero by his side, "Cosmo is about to arrive."

Time to put the plan into action.

"So," Cosmo was asking, finishing his last piece of mozzarella "you're saying that you really don't hate me. And you really want me in the family? Enough to lure your nephews and uncle away from the workplace for hours so I feel welcomed and wanted?"

"That was astonishingly accurate," Piero said.
"Astonishingly" was definitely the word to use. Who knew Cosmo was capable of stringing together that sentence?

"Yes, Cosmo," I lied, trying to fake a smile. "That's what it means."

"Daddy!" Cosmo yelled, choking me with a bear hug.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" I pushed the green haired imbecile off me. "Don't abuse the privilege!"

"Sorry."

"Now, you all go off and have some fun while we…uh…"

"While we go count the trucks." Nice save on Carmine's behalf.

"Yeah. That's it," I lied again.

With that, the six of them poofed off. I ordered them to take Cosmo to Uncle Knuckle's Chuckle Bunker. That way, we could see if Cosmo enjoyed crappy comedians, and also what kind of answers he'll give to the questions I told Genaro to ask during the intermission.

"Why ain't we following them?" I asked, as my brothers just stood there, making no move to wave their wands.

Piero nervously glanced at Carmine before he spoke. "See, we, uh, we don't really feel right about destroying Wanda's marriage."

"Yeah," Carmine chimed in. "What's the big deal?"

"What's the big deal?" I repeated angrily. "What's the big deal! I'll tell you two what the big deal is, Carmine! My daughter is marrying some dingbat who had the audacity to propose without even meeting me beforehand! I didn't even approve of him speaking to my little angel! She's my daughter, and I—"

Calm down, I thought. You're doing this for the business, remember? Don't get soft infront of these two.

"Come on. Let's go to the Chuckle Bunker," I finished my little speech.

Piero and Carmine had intimidated looks on their faces as they rose their wands and sent themselves to Cosmo's destination.

"For the love of linguine, what's going on here!" I asked angrily. For three hours, those six badinskis have been sitting at a table, laughing and enjoying each others' company. Three hours! And Genaro didn't even seem upset at the fact that the business, in the future, wasn't his anymore.

"Calm down!" Carmine hushed me. "Cosmo ain't supposed to know we're here."

The three of us—Piero, Carmine, and I—where hiding in three garbage cans off to the side. The only one with a clear view of us was Genaro, and he barely even noticed we were there.

I sighed and continued listening to the conversation.

"You got out of dress shopping?" Dominic was saying. "Lucky little…"

"Wanda wanted some time with her friends, I guess," Cosmo answered with an almost jealous tone in his voice.

"If that doesn't make you happy," I found myself thinking, "then you don't just sit there complaining about it. Toughen up and embrace your authority as the man!"

"Hopefully she goes for something without lace. The lace wouldn't look good on a figure like her's," Vinny said. He shifted his eyes at the stares from the other men. "Uh…not that I have experience with this sorta thing…"

Piero slapped his forehead. "That son of mine…"

"Shush your mouth!" I whispered fiercely. I wanted to hear the rest of the discussion.

"She'd look beautiful in anything." Cosmo's eyes sparkled.

I gripped onto the rim of the garbage can.

Genaro finally saw me, and took some action of his own. "Man, I can't believe how fast this is all happening."

Cosmo looked slightly nervous for the first time that day. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you guys just got outta high school," Tony continued. "We never even got a chance to meet you."

I smiled the way Rocko does when he thinks his company has beaten mine. I was very proud of my nephews at this moment, but Dominic had to go ruin it for me.

"But we're damn glad we did!"

"Yeah!" Vinny and Tony agreed with much more enthusiasm than I could stand. Cosmo's facial expression clearly showed how great he felt.

I girtted my teeth and felt the flimsy can bend under my palms.

"I can't wait until you guys get married," the nitwit who started this continued. "You'll make a great addition to the family."

"Can you believe this?" I asked. I said it more to myself than my brothers, but I swore I could see Carmine nod out of the corner of my eye.

Just as I thought everything would spiral out of control, Sal finally spoke up. What he said was what I've been thinking in the back of my mind for days. Oh, my uncle knew exactly what to do to make me happy.

"Cosmo," his raspy, but soft, voice asked, "why do you want to marry our Wanda?"

Cosmo looked like he didn't want to answer.

"Come on. You know you don't really want to take her from me. Change your mind. Prove me wrong."

"Well?"

The green haired idiot caved in. With a sigh, he said, "I love her more than anything else in the world. She makes me feel so incredible. She did since I first met her. And that was right before the pixies took over…remember? Before they turned businessy? I had to save Wanda from them, or she would have married stupid Wandissimo Magnifico. And ever since I saved her then, I never wanted to see her hurt again. I have to be there to protect her—"

"THAT'S IT!" I shouted, unable to take it anymore. I flew out of the garbage can with so much force that it fell over, spilling used napkins and paper cups all over the floor. With all the rage I could muster, I waved my wand with a loud swoosh and blew up Uncle Knuckle's.

Cosmo stared at me blankly after the smoke cleared. "But…but I thought…"

To my horror, Genaro took Cosmo's side. "Ignore him, Cosmo. He doesn't know what he's doing."

With that, all six of them poofed off.

I don't understand it! I thought this plan would work. "You've let me down, Piero," I sighed angrily.

I expected a "You're right" or a "It'll never happen again" from my brother, but all I got was a disappointed sigh and him shaking his head as he sank into the wooden chair on the other side of my desk.

Carmine just fiddled with the blinds, letting the smallest amount of light in.

I just don't understand how my family could disobey me like that. I hate Cosmo, so they should hate Cosmo. That was how things worked ever since Blonda and Wanda were born. I'm the boss around this place. What gave them the right to ignore my orders?

Even worse, though, was that Sal and Genaro didn't even acknowledge my existence for the rest of the day. Vinny, Tony, and Dominic kept asking me what they did wrong, and I appreciated that, but it sounded like they did it because they had to, and not because they feared me.

Am I losing my touch?

"You know," Carmine said, still staring at the blinds. "If Cosmo really does love Wanda as much as he says he does—"

Before I could blow up at him, Piero jumped up. "Hold on. If you're really that desperate, there's still one more thing I wanna try. Not for you, Big Daddy, but so I can see how trustworthy this man really is. No way in hell is my niece going to marry a weakling."

Somehow I knew Piero didn't mean physical strength.