For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1
Chapter 14: But I'm Fine!
(Janet's POV)
"So I'm guessing you talked to Daniel," she says almost as soon as she opens the door. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that she is feeling more than a little defensive and the truth is that I have no clue as to what am I supposed to be saying right about now. After I left Daniel's place coming here seemed to be the natural thing for me to do but maybe I should have tried to come up with some sort of plan of attack... after all we are talking Sam here.
"Yes, why didn't you tell me?"
"You weren't here, you know that. This whole thing went down before you joined the SGC and by the time you came on board and we became friends there really wasn't much point in me saying anything about it. I mean, I'm fine and honestly it's no big deal..."
"No big deal!"
"Okay, it was bad, I'm not denying that, but it's not like I can go back and change things so I might as well get over it... besides, it could have been a lot worse... it almost was," the last part is little more than a whisper but I hear it anyway.
"What almost was, Sam?" I prod.
"Nothing," she says a little too quickly for my liking.
"Sam..."
"It's just that what he did to me was nothing compared to what the women on that planet had to endure and they never even thought it was a big deal but the idea of being stuck there, of being... that was a lot worse than..."
"So what you are saying is that being raped was bad but seeing how it could have been even worse that makes it okay?" I say, deliberately playing the fool but wanting to see how she reacts to my phrasing. I'm relieved to see that even though she is looking far from comfortable at least she doesn't flinch at the mention of the word 'rape'. That's good, especially considering that I'm really not good with euphemisms.
"No, of course not... it doesn't make it okay but it does put it in perspective," she explains. "It happened, it's over and there are no permanent consequences. Believe me, I can live with that."
"Do you really believe that, Sam?" I push.
"I have to... it's not like I have much of a choice, is it? I can either live with it or let Turghan win and letting him win is not an option."
"So you are living out of spite now?"
"Will you stop twisting my words around?" she growls.
"That's what it sounded like," I point out.
"All I'm saying is that yes, it was bad but it wasn't as bad as you are making it out to be. Being in Simarka gave me a brand new definition of 'bad' and all of a sudden this whole thing doesn't seem to be anywhere near as big a deal as you are trying to make it out to be. Think of it in terms of the scale having been reset, that's all."
"Somehow I find that hard to believe."
"Yes, well, let's just say that what's bad in our sheltered little world is nothing compared to what's really out there... and I don't just mean off-world."
"What do you mean, Sam? What's out there?"
"I don't want to talk about that," she says, leaving no room for argument.
"Okay, but I want you to help me understand because right now I'm more than a little lost."
"It doesn't matter, nothing happened."
Growing more than a little frustrated but seeing the stubborn glint in Sam's eyes I decide to try a different approach.
"Daniel says you are having some trouble sleeping."
"Daniel talks too much," she mutters.
"He's just worried about you, as am I..."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you so worried? Because now you know what happened? Nothing's changed, Janet, not really. It's not like it was yesterday. This whole thing went down over seven months ago so why is everybody suddenly treating me like I'm going to shatter on impact?"
"Yes, it was seven months ago and that means that you've had a seven month head start in trying to come to terms with it," I remind her. "For us the realization that maybe we should have picked up on the fact that there was something wrong with you is just starting to sink in and it's going to take us a while to come to terms with it. We are your friends and you've been shutting us out. As for your claims that you are just fine, the fact that you are still having trouble sleeping is enough for me to know that that's not entirely true."
"Yes, well, that would depend on what the nightmares are about, wouldn't it?" she snaps, sounding more than a little angry.
"I just want to help you."
"I know, sorry, it's just that..."
"That talking about it makes it real?" I ask.
"No... that's not it. I know it's real," she says, shaking her head.
"Then what is it? You said what Turghan did to you wasn't so bad so tell me, what else happened on that planet? What is it that's giving you nightmares?"
"I don't know. I mean, it's not just one thing... I'm worried about what will happen if General Hammond ever finds out... when he finds out. I don't want him to kick me out of SG-1."
"That's what you are worried about?"
"Some of it. I'm not worried about Turghan if that's what you are thinking. I mean, the man's not even on this planet and I know I'll never see him again. I know that even if some SGC personnel ever has to have any further contact with Simarka for whatever reason, the general now knows to send an all male team to that particular planet so that's not an issue," she tells me, almost as if she were trying to convince herself of what she's saying.
"But you are worried about the possibility of finding yourself in a similar position again, is that it? You are worried about what will happen the next time you go to a world with a similar view of women."
" A little," she admits, "though it's not the way you think and I'm also hoping it won't come to that. I mean, we've been to a couple of dozen worlds since then and nothing like that has ever happened again and I think the whole team will be more careful so I should be fine. I want to be out there... I don't want them to hide me away because I'm a woman. I don't want some man to make that decision for me based on my gender."
"I know you don't, but that doesn't mean you can bury your head in the sand about what you've been through."
"I'm not. I've been researching... trying to understand, to figure out what I need to know to keep it from happening again."
"This is not about understanding, Sam," I tell her, shaking my head.
"But it is. If I had known more about their culture and their way of life maybe I could have..."
"You could have done something differently? It wasn't your fault," I insist.
'"I know that, but if I hadn't pushed Turghan then maybe..."
"What would have happened if you hadn't pushed him?" I ask, curious as to how she is going to rationalize that one.
"He wouldn't have hurt me. Don't you see? It was a punishment, Janet, I disobeyed him and he punished me... that's how it all started. I knew the guys were coming to get me and if I hadn't pushed him they would have been there on time. They thought they were on time... the colonel and Teal'c still do."
"But they weren't, were they?"
"No... I felt so fucking helpless... waiting to be rescued like a damned damsel in distress. I hated it!"
"But in the end you did manage to defeat Turghan. You were the one who fought him for his daughter's life, weren't you?" I remind her.
"Yes."
"You know I'm going to have to tell General Hammond about this, don't you?" I say, changing the subject and trying to draw her out of her shell.
"Yes."
"What do you want me to tell him?" I ask, hoping to get an answer that is more than a syllable long.
"What?" she asks, having obviously been caught off guard by the offer.
"Well, you've already told me that you want to stay in SG-1 and I'll see what I can do about that, but other than that what do you want to see happen now?"
"I don't know, I guess I want things to stay as normal as possible. I don't want everyone to know what happened... I know the general will have to inform the colonel and that's not something I'm looking forward to but..."
"Oh yes, isn't that going to be a fun little briefing?" I say sarcastically.
"What if he wants me out of his team?"
"Are you kidding me? Believe me, he will probably want to go back to Simarka to teach Turghan a lesson but he will most definitely not ask that you be removed from his team. In fact I can pretty much promise you that if the general were to dare to even suggest something like that he would get an earful and the chain of command be damned. You really have nothing to worry about in that regard," I say, trying to reassure her.
"I just wish I could be so sure, I mean..."
"You've been obsessing over this for seven months haven't you?"
"Maybe a little," she reluctantly admits.
"Not just a little, Sam."
"So, you really think it will be fine?" she asks sounding almost hopeful for the first time since I walked in the door.
"Yes, I really do... at least as far as the general is concerned but that's just the tip of the iceberg. About everything else, well I'm not so sure. I'm worried about you," I admit.
"But I'm fine!" she insists.
"Are you? Come on, Sam, you know better than that. You may be doing fine under the circumstances but you are a long way from being fine."
"Whatever."
"I'm not the enemy here, you know?" I tell her.
"Yeah, well..."
"I'm just trying to help you," I say, growing increasingly frustrated with the brick wall I'm currently facing.
"Maybe I just want to be left alone," she growls.
"And maybe I need something I can tell General Hammond," I snap, knowing that using her fears against her is not playing fair but not really caring at the moment... besides, I'm not lying about that, I really do need something to tell him.
"You can tell him I'm fine," she insists.
"Sorry, but that's not what I'm seeing. You stayed at Daniel's last night, didn't you?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" she asks.
"Just answer me."
"Yes, he said he wanted me to be able to sleep without being afraid of waking up, but nothing happened."
"And I'm not suggesting that it did. So, how did you sleep?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Better than you've been sleeping lately?" I push.
"Maybe. I didn't have any nightmares but..." she trails off.
"So knowing that Daniel was there actually helped?"
"I guess, why?"
"Because if the fact that knowing that you were not alone actually made a difference then it may be a sign that you are so worried about your dreams that it's actually making matters worse and that's a cycle you have to break before it spins out of control. Let me guess, when you are home alone you try to put off going to bed for as long as you can, don't you?"
"So?" she asks, not even trying to deny it.
"So you can't go on like that. You have a dangerous job and a lack of sleep is bound to impact your reactions sooner or later, you know that."
"It's not so bad, Janet. I can sleep off-world... mostly."
"Again, when you are surrounded by your team and you are not alone," I point out.
"Well, kind of, but the point is that it's not a problem during our missions."
"Fine, we'll let that go for now. Are you dating?"
"When?"
"What do you mean 'when'?" I ask, having been caught somewhat off guard by her unusual question.
"When am I ever going to find the time to meet anyone in the first place? You know I'm off-world half the time and even when I'm here I'm usually at the base. Besides, working on a highly classified project doesn't exactly help my social life... believe me, all that lying gets old real fast."
"So you've basically been avoiding social, and sexual, situations for seven months?" I push, ignoring her excuses.
"Actually it's a lot more than eight. I haven't dated anyone since long before I transferred to the SGC and since before the incident with Turghan, though come to think of it that is not entirely true either. After all, I did try to initiate something with the colonel back when..."
"I mean when you are being yourself. Somehow I don't think your behavior while infected with an alien disease counts," I point out.
"Okay, fine then no, I haven't been dating anyone lately but I don't see how that is anyone's business but my own and it better not get back to General Hammond."
"Don't worry, I'm not going to share every last detail with him."
"So what, this is just about you being curious?"
"No, it's about the fact that I'm going to have to recommend a course of action as your doctor here."
"Well, I don't see how my sex life is relevant, but if you want me to go out an find someone so I can get laid and you can feel better about it..."
"That's not what I meant and you know it!"
"Maybe not but you keep telling me that I'm not fine because I haven't gone out and found someone... besides when was the last time you went out on a date, let alone actually had sex?"
"That's not the point."
"You got divorced years ago and you haven't had any serious relationships since, have you?"
"No, but..."
"And does that mean you are not fit for duty?"
"Of course not but this is not about me."
"I know that but you are still suddenly determined to judge me by a different standard. You are hinting at the fact that me not being in any sort of relationship right now is a sign of trouble and that is not the case. So, I haven't slept with anyone in a while, big deal. Believe it or not that has nothing to do with Simarka. I'm not afraid of having sex if that's what you are worried about, I just happen to have other priorities. I don't have the time to develop a relationship with anyone right now... and that's not something new."
"No, you are probably right about it not being something new, but I do believe that some of your reactions may have changed since then and pretending that that hasn't happened is not going to get you anywhere."
"What do you mean?"
"Sam, do you remember what happened when Hathor took over the base?"
"Kind of hard to forget."
"And do you remember when we were locked up in that cell?"
"Sure," she says, narrowing her eyes.
"Okay, now tell me something: was your reaction when I suggested that we try to 'charm' our way out of there the same it would have been a few months ago, before the mission to Simarka, or was it slightly different? Were you more uncomfortable with the notion of what we had to do than you would have been a few months earlier?"
"Maybe a little but I would never have deemed it a fun idea... and neither would you."
"No, it wasn't 'fun' but it was necessary for us to get out of there and of the five of us in that cell you were by far the one who was the most uncomfortable with the whole scenario. You knocked your guy out the moment he was in range and before he had completely lowered his guard and you know it. Now, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the way in which you reacted, in fact knowing what I know now I'd say that you handled yourself far better than I would have expected you to under the circumstances and if I had known what had happened with Turghan I probably wouldn't have asked you to be front and center in seducing the guys in the first place but the fact that your reaction was perfectly normal under the circumstances doesn't mean that that reaction wasn't there."
"Okay, so maybe I'm not one hundred percent just yet but..."
"That's precisely the point! You don't have to be at one hundred percent... no one is going to think any less of you because you are struggling with this."
"It's my problem and I'm handling it," she insists, "and it's getting better, it really is... I just need a little more time, that's all. Yes, I won't deny that I was uncomfortable with the whole idea of us 'charming' our way out of that cell but as you said I handled it and you just demonstrated one of my main reasons for wanting to keep quiet in the first place. I don't want to have people trying to protect me and treating me like I can't do my job... that's the last thing I need."
"What do you mean?"
"You just said it yourself. You said that if you'd known what had happened with Turghan you wouldn't have asked me to take such an active role in getting us out of that cell, don't you get it? I'm not broken and I certainly don't need to be protected!"
"That's not what I meant!"
"Yes, it is... and that's exactly what I don't want!"
"I understand that but at the same time you have to know it's not so simple."
"I know, it's just that..."
"That what?"
"That I feel like all of a sudden everything is spinning out of control and there's nothing I can do about it."
"Well, you being unable to do anything about it is kind of the definition of 'out of control'," I point out trying to lighten the mood, at least a little.
"I know but somehow that doesn't really help. I don't know what's going to happen or how the general and the colonel are going to react. I just want things to stay the way they are but there's no way that's going to happen, not now."
"So, what do you think you'd need to make this better?" I ask.
"Time, mostly," she says, looking down and I wonder what she's thinking, what she isn't telling me.
"You can have that time, that's not the problem, though some things are going to have to change around here and I think you know that."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, for starters you are going to have to get used to the fact that you have a couple of friends that are not going to let you shut them out any more, you are also going to have to get used to the idea that you can let go... and I'm afraid that you are going to have to get used to the idea that I'm going to have to tell the general about this. There's no way around that and you know it."
"He's going to make me talk to MacKenzie, isn't he?"
"I don't know. What do you think?"
"I don't see how it can be avoided."
"But you want to avoid it if you can?" I ask. Daniel had already told me that she wasn't particularly comfortable with that idea and I agree with him that MacKenzie is not the best person to handle this situation but the problem is that just like she said, we don't really have a viable alternative... not without me going out on a limb here and I really need more information before I can agree to that.
"Oh yes, but somehow I don't think I'm going to be given much of a choice in the matter," she says sounding almost resigned.
"I'll make you a deal, if you are not comfortable with him I'll see if I can somehow come up with another option if you promise to stop fighting me."
"Blackmail?"
"Not exactly, but I really need you to trust me if I'm going to be able to help you out here. I need to be certain that I know where you stand and that you are really going to be fine if I'm going to suggest a non-traditional alternative to MacKenzie... and not sleeping and not dating don't qualify as being fine so don't even try it."
"Fine," she retorts.
"Sam..." I half-growl at her before realizing that I'm about to fall for one of her diversionary tactics. "Okay, I know you don't want to talk about that but you said that the scale had been reset and that all of a sudden being raped didn't seem like such a big deal any more, can you tell me what you meant by that, at least give me some clue as to what we are dealing with here."
"Turghan threatened me. He said he was going to have me..." she trails off again and I can see that she's really struggling here with whatever it is that she's trying to say. Knowing that I can't let it go, not this time, I decide to push a little.
"What was he going to do, Sam?"
"It wasn't so much a threat, the funny thing is that I really don't think he meant it like one. It wasn't something he was going to do to hurt me or as some sort of punishment . As far as he was concerned it was something he felt he had to do to me for my benefit, to make me fit to be his wife, something when he first bought me he had assumed had been done to me years ago. It was something that was done to all the women in his clan if not on that whole damned planet when they were seven or eight years old."
"Sam?"
"He was going to have me circumcised," she whispers.
"WHAT!"
"You heard me."
"Are you okay?" I ask, totally horrified.
"Yes, he didn't do it, if that's what you are asking. Believe me, even Dr. Warner would have noticed something like that. From what I gathered there was some sort of ritual involved or something and the clan's midwife said that there wasn't enough daylight left to do it then and there so the whole thing was postponed until morning only the guys got me out long before that but I'm not ashamed to admit that I was scared... really scared."
"No wonder you said that the scale had been reset," I say, trying to assimilate what she's just told me.
"Yes, well..."
"What is it?"
"There was a little girl in the camp and I just keep seeing her whenever I close my eyes. I can't get her out of my mind."
"Is that what your nightmares are about?" I ask, already knowing the answer to my question.
"That and what's going to happen once General Hammond finds out about this."
"So when you told me you weren't really having nightmares about the rape you were actually telling me the truth?"
"Yes, I mean, I've had a couple of those, I won't deny it, but they are not the ones that scare me... at least not as much as the others do. I know it's over and I know I'm safe from Turghan but I'm afraid that there will be other planets where... I'm afraid that the next time I won't be so lucky. At first, after we just came back, I wasn't all that worried... not until I learned that it was something that had actually originated here on earth and that meant it was something we could reasonably expect to find on other planets."
"You've been researching this, haven't you?"
"A little," she admits.
"Which, knowing you, translates into a lot. Okay, can you give me a little more information as to what it was that Turghan wanted to do to you?"
"What for?"
"Just to get an idea of what we are dealing with here."
"It was a pharaonic," she says so softly that I can barely make out her words.
"It's okay to be scared, Sam. I mean, I would be. I can't even imagine..."
"Are you going to tell General Hammond about that?" she asks.
"I'm not sure. I may have to but I'll try to keep it clinical... I'll just use the word 'circumcision' and hope that he doesn't really know what I'm talking about."
"So you are going to give him the truth without the facts?"
"Basically. It's a gamble but I think that may be the way to go," I explain. "The way I see it if I were to keep something like this out of my report deliberately you could find yourself back where you started if this were ever to come out and I don't think that's a chance we should be taking --especially considering that this is supposed to be your one shot at coming clean-- but given the general's age and background it's not an issue he is likely to be particularly familiar with and with any luck he will downplay its significance... and I'll try to run interference if he tries to ask any questions."
"And what about MacKenzie?"
"If you promise not to shut me out I'll see what I can do about that but I'm not making any promises in that regard. If we are going to be playing the gender card with Dr. Warner then it shouldn't be too difficult to play it with MacKenzie as well... though the fact that you are comfortable with Daniel is bound to come out and that may make things a bit more difficult to explain, so I'm not so sure that's the way to go.
"I understand that these past few months have been very difficult for you but I think right now we need to focus on what you want to happen and see if there's any way to make it happen."
"I already told you. I want to remain a member of SG-1, I don't want to be forced to talk to MacKenzie if it can possibly be avoided, I'd rather have this whole thing kept out of the SGC's rumor mill and I want to make it perfectly clear that if anyone ever calls me a victim or a 'survivor' I fully intend to shove a staff weapon up their..."
"Sam!"
"Well, you know what I mean."
"Okay, so staying in SG-1 is your top priority... are you willing to pay for it by agreeing to talk to MacKenzie if the general insists?" I ask, even though I understand her reasons for wanting to avoid that particular scenario.
"I guess."
"Then I'll see what I can do... and I'll make sure the General knows about that staff weapon," I tease her.
"Janet!" she exclaims, and I can help but smile at the horrified look on her face.
Author's notes: Hi guys, okay, this week's note is just to thank you for your reviews (yes, you heard that right, NO boring speeches). I'm glad to hear you liked the last chapter, especially because it was my first attempt at writing Janet and the truth is that I was a little worried about that. Anyway, that's it for this little note... well, that and a little reminder that I absolutely love reviews!