For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1
Chapter 22: He Knows...
(Sam's POV)
I'm worried,... no, I'm not just worried, I'm downright petrified but I know I can't afford to let it show. This is it. This is the moment I've been dreading ever since we came back from Simarka... though up until yesterday I was still hoping that this whole thing could be avoided, now I know that is no longer an option.
I'm about to confront General Hammond... and he knows. That is the thought that keeps running through my mind. He knows and I don't have a clue of what he's going to do about it. I know both Daniel and Janet said that they would try to talk him out of having me reassigned but somehow I'm still not sure they'll succeed... and even if they do, things are still bound to change. There's absolutely nothing I can do to prevent that.
What I do know is that the next few minutes are not going to be pleasant... 'not pleasant', now that's an understatement. My life as I know it is basically on the line and that's the best I can come up with?
Okay, so maybe I should try to approach this whole thing rationally. What do I know about the situation I'm about to walk into? The truth is that not much. I know General Hammond is not going to be happy, I know Janet and Daniel have already talked to him but I have no idea of what they told him... maybe I should have asked them this morning but I didn't even think about it. I had too many things running through my mind --kind of like I do now-- and I hate it. It's like I can't even think clearly and that is incredibly frustrating.
I've worked so hard to get to where I am... not just in terms of rank or position but also in terms of respect and that is the thing I know I'm about to lose here, no matter what happens, no matter what the general decides. I know that from this day forward both General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill are going to look at me differently, I know they'll never see me as a soldier again. I could even see a change earlier today on both Daniel and Janet's faces... and both of them have always seen me as a friend rather than as anything else. Sure, they were both trying to act as if nothing had changed... but the truth is that, in that regard, they were both failing miserably. The thing is that from now on I'm going to have the label of 'victim' attached to me --even if no one dares say it out loud-- and there's nothing I can do to change that. It doesn't matter that this whole thing happened months ago and that I've basically managed to keep it from having a major impact on my life.
Of course, the fact that this whole thing went down seven months ago doesn't change the fact that I messed up, so maybe I do deserve to lose their respect after all... maybe I do deserve to have them see me as someone who couldn't even keep herself safe. I'm a soldier and as a soldier I failed, there's no denying that. What happened in Simarka should never have been allowed to happen and I know it.
I know I handled the whole situation poorly. I messed up from the moment I was reckless enough to go to sleep in that tent with no back up, to the moment in which I blew my chances to get away by trying to steal one of Turghan's horses, to my insistence on challenging him after I'd been captured... well, maybe not that. I really couldn't let someone else be punished for my actions.
The thing is that this morning --while Daniel was talking to Janet and while I was trying to kill some time waiting for General Hammond to summon me-- I had time to think of what's coming... and oddly enough what I found is that, even though I could have handled the whole situation in Simarka better, the way in which things have unfolded since our return is probably the best I could have hoped for.
I mean, so what if it's not ideal? It's true that I would have preferred to have been able to keep this whole situation to myself, but --short of that-- I have to say that this is probably a best case scenario. At least I've had an opportunity to prove myself, to demonstrate that I can keep doing my job in spite of what's happened. The thing is that I'm still not particularly comfortable with what I'm going to have to do now to minimize the fallout from Simarka. Unfortunately there is no turning back in that regard, not any more.
I know Daniel's idea of blaming my silence on the absence of female personnel is probably my best bet, and, seeing how Janet decided to go along with him, chances are that that idea actually makes sense from a medical perspective. The problem is that I am still uncomfortable with the whole concept of blaming my choices and my mistakes on Dr. Warner. Sure, Daniel promised that they'd find some way to work around that, something that would ensure Dr. Warner wouldn't get in trouble because of what I did, but I just don't see how they intend to do that. Besides, even if they can somehow manage to pull it off, that partial truth still feels too much like lying for comfort. Of course, it's not like changing my mind this late in the game is an option.
I agreed to go along with this and I can't back down now, not without getting both Daniel and Janet in trouble for covering for me in the first place, but the truth is that I am having second --and third, and fourth-- thoughts about this whole thing.
In the end I know my hesitation doesn't really matter, not any more. Things have already been set in motion and there's nothing I can do to stop this now. That's why General Hammond summoned me to his office, that's why I'm dreading knocking on his door: because he knows and there's nothing I can do to change that.
"Well, captain, I've spent most of my morning talking to both Dr. Fraiser and Dr. Jackson, trying to figure out what am I supposed to do about your situation and I have to say that you've put me in a rather difficult position here," he says as soon as he sees me.
"I'm sorry, sir," I reply, knowing just how meaningless those words are.
"Now, I've been told that your reaction when you decided to conceal what had happened was not entirely unexpected, not considering the situation you encountered in the infirmary upon your return, and because of that you will be allowed to remain a member of SG-1, however there will also be a few conditions that you will have to meet to make that happen," he warns me.
"Yes, sir," I say, feeling incredibly relieved to hear that, even though I know this is just the beginning... even though I know this is far from over.
"Good, now, first of all, for the next two weeks SG-1 will be on stand down," he informs me.
"Is that really necessary, sir? I'm fine," I say, feeling somewhat uneasy at the prospect. Two weeks on stand down for no apparent reason are going to be more than enough to let everyone know that there's something going on and the rumors are bound to start flying. That is not something I'm looking forward to.
"Yes, it is necessary. Even if you are 'fine' --and I'm far from convinced that that's really the case-- your team will need some time to come to terms with this new information. You've had seven months to try to come to grips with what happened to you, they haven't. They believed they had gotten to you in time and it's going to take them a while to accept that they didn't. In addition to that there's the fact that Dr. Fraiser has informed me that you've requested not to have to meet with the base's psychologist. That is not standard procedure and if that exception is going to be granted I'm going to have to see some concrete evidence that I'm not putting you or your team in jeopardy by agreeing to that request," he says, sounding more than a little angry.
I'm still wondering how to answer to that one when he goes on.
"Dr. Fraiser seems to be particularly concerned by the fact that you are having some trouble sleeping and has issued some instructions to help you get over that problem," he says.
"Instructions, sir?" I ask, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. Up until now things had been going as well as I could possibly have hoped for, even if I'm less than thrilled by the fact that we are on stand down... unfortunately I suspect everything is about to go downhill fast now.
"Yes. For starters she doesn't want you to be on your own for at least the next two weeks. She's made arrangements for you to stay with Dr. Jackson and..."
"With all due respect, sir, I don't see how that's any of her business," I interrupt, unable to contain myself any longer.
"It may well be none of her business but those are her terms, you may take them or leave them, captain," says the general, leaving no room for argument.
"I'll take them, but could I at least suggest that Dr. Jackson stay with me rather than the other way around?" I ask.
"And why is that?"
"Well, sir, as I'm sure you know, last night he insisted that I stay with him. He was a perfect gentleman and he volunteered to take the couch. The thing is that he lives in a one bedroom apartment and that is bound to complicate matters. I have a guest room he can use and I don't feel comfortable with the idea of kicking him out of his own bed for that length of time," I explain.
"I see. Okay, I think that can be arranged," he agrees, "however, for the time being you will also be limited to no more than fourteen hours a day here at the base and you won't be allowed to work more than six days a week. I am aware that that's more than an average workweek but Dr. Fraiser seems to think that it is still considerably less than the number of hours you usually spend here."
"It's just that sometimes my experiments don't fit within such a limited timeframe and..." I try to explain, even though I know it's not likely to get me anywhere.
"I don't want to hear it, captain. Once again that's an order and it's non-negotiable, so I suggest that you arrange things so that your experiments do fit within that timeframe," he insists.
"Yes, sir."
"I know you are not happy about any of this so let me repeat what I told Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser," he goes on. "You are to cooperate fully with them. If at any time you feel that this situation is getting out of hand you are to ask for help and if I feel that you are not keeping your end of the bargain and being truthful with them --or if I feel that they are trying to cover for you-- I will revise my decision, you will be ordered to see Dr. MacKenzie and you will be pulled from active duty until he is satisfied that you are fit, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," I say, deeply relieved to hear him confirm that I have escaped MacKenzie's clutches... at least for the time being.
"I don't want to do it, I don't want to have to separate you from your team, you do understand that, don't you?" asks the general, sounding almost concerned and throwing me way off kilter.
"Yes, sir it's just that..." I trail off.
"It's just that what?" he prods.
"Permission to speak freely, sir," I say, knowing that I may well be about to dig my own grave here.
"Go ahead," he says, giving me a slight nod.
"It's just that I've been performing my duties without incident for the past seven months and now all of a sudden I feel like I'm not trusted, sir," I explain, trying --and failing-- to keep my frustration out of my voice.
"But you are trusted, captain," he points out. "We trust you to perform your duties but we won't allow you to do it if it's at the expense of your own well being, that's what this is all about. This is not about keeping you away, it's about putting you first. This is about giving you the time to rest and regroup as you should have had it seven months ago. The bottom line is that you are a key member of your team and I want that team functioning at one hundred percent."
"So if I go to bed when I'm told, and I promise to eat my vegetables, I will be allowed to keep on doing my job?" I mutter, unable to keep myself from saying the words. I know I'm way out of line here --and giving the general a fair amount of ammo to use against me-- but I can't help it. This is the 'special treatment' I've been dreading all these months.
"Well, there are two other things you will be expected to do, one of them is an order, the other is a request," he explains.
"Sir?" I ask, feeling more than a little perplexed and wondering what he is getting at.
"First of all, based on what happened on Simarka, Dr. Jackson is going to be working on putting together a set of guidelines --a sort of manual if you will-- intended to prevent another such situation from arising. From what I gathered, he wants to combine some basic information about the role of women throughout human history with some suggestions on how to effectively deal with the descendants of some ancients civilizations in those instances in which the presence of a woman in an SG team turns out to be an issue, and he wants to organize it in such a way that it can actually be used in the field. He has specifically requested your help in putting those guidelines together."
"Yes, sir, but I'm an astrophysicist, not an anthropologist," I remind him.
"I am well aware of that fact, as is Dr. Jackson, but the fact is that you are also the woman with the most practical experience in terms of going through the gate and facing first contact situations," he reminds me. "That means you are the one best suited to help him turn this project into something that actually relates to what female members of SG teams are likely to encounter out there. Dr. Jackson may have the knowledge but he doesn't have the experience and he knows it, that's where you come in."
"So you won't be banning women from SG teams?" I blurt out.
"Of course not, but that doesn't mean that I don't intend to take all the steps I can think of to avoid another Simarka," he says.
"I guess I understand, sir."
"Good, that was the request. Now, in addition to that I also want you to submit an updated report of what happened on that planet. There is no hurry but I do want it on my desk before I allow SG-1 to go through the gate, and that's an order, captain."
"A report, sir?" I ask, not liking the sound of that in the least.
"Just the basic facts, there's no need for more detail than you are comfortable with, captain. Just a report that includes the information you should have provided if this incident had been handled properly from the beginning. I realize that at least part of this problem can be traced back to an oversight in the early days of this command but that situation has already been rectified. In addition to that there's the fact that Dr. Fraiser will be instituting some new procedures to make sure that no one else has to deal with something like this on their own and in order for her to be able to do that we really need that information," he insists.
"Yes, sir, I understand," I say, knowing better than to argue.
"I know the next few days are not going to be easy for you, captain, and I realize you are not exactly thrilled with some of the decisions I've made here, but I can promise you that every effort will be made to see you through this difficult time," he says, and something in the way he phrases that one sounds odd somehow, at least to my ears. I think about it for a moment and then I realize what's going on.
"Janet... Dr. Fraiser... she told you about the staff weapon, didn't she?" I ask, feeling myself blush. I thought she was kidding when she said she'd tell the general!
"Oh yes, and I understand why you are worried. I won't lie to you: even though I'll do my best to keep this information contained to just the five of us who either know what happened or absolutely need to know, the truth is that you can expect a bit of a special treatment over the next few days from your teammates. That is something I'm afraid you are just going to have to deal with," he warns me.
"I figured that much, sir, but I'm fine, really, I just wish I could make them understand that. I mean, I admit that what happened wasn't fun but it could have been a lot worse than it was and I know it. As far as lessons go, this was a hard one, I won't deny that, but I'm not about to let Turghan win. I won't let him dictate how I live my life," I say.
"I see... well, just remember that there's no shame in asking for help, captain. You have a team that is more than willing to back you up, you just have to let them," he reminds me.
"I'll keep that in mind, sir," I say, hoping to be excused but knowing that it's not my place to ask.
Author's notes: Hi guys, first of all thank you for your reviews, they are truly appreciated. Also, I know this chapter seems kind of weird at times but hopefully it will make more sense when the next one is posted.
Take care and keep reviewing!
Alec