For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 23: It's a Beautiful Day
(Hammond's POV)

Well, it seems to me like I'm running head first into the Great Wall of Jacob here, not that I'm particularly surprised by that one. I mean, the man is a good friend and I know that deep down he loves his kids to pieces --I should know, I've lost count of how many times he's called me since I took over this command to ask how 'his Sammie' is doing-- but he's never been able to tell them that. Jacob never learned to leave his uniform at the door, he never really learned how to let go of his military persona to be just a dad... and I suspect that right now I'm dealing with the consequences of that.

The bottom line is that even to this day Sam Carter --while there is no denying that she is an extremely competent officer-- can't tell the difference between pity and concern if her life depended on it... and the fact that she obviously came in here expecting the worst is not exactly helping matters either. No matter what I say, she is bound to take it the wrong way. The problem is that I don't have the first clue as to what I can possibly do to get past her defenses.

Even though I'd run across Sam a couple of times before I was assigned to this position, the truth is that I never really took the time to get to know her. The first time we met she was fourteen and we barely said two words to one another. At the time she had her nose in a book and I was just another one of her dad's military friends... just like I saw her as just another teenaged kid I never even thought would some day be under my command. Our second encounter was at her mother's funeral, one year later... and less than a year after that she went off to college and then she entered the Academy.

In other words, while I've been aware of her since she was little more than a child, I don't really know her anywhere near well enough to know what am I supposed to say here, though I have to admit that Dr. Fraiser was probably right when she pointed out that Sam was groomed to be a soldier from the day she was born... and she was also almost certainly right when she said that that grooming may well have gone against her true nature.

Sam may act like the perfect officer but you'd have to be blind not to notice that she is far more comfortable with an equation than with a P-90... of course, it's not like she can't hold her own in a fight, far from it. In fact even in Simarka, when she was given a fighting chance, she managed to defeat Turghan... and I guess in the end that is what the question of whether or not she should be allowed to remain where she is boils down to.

The thing is that even though I know what am I supposed to do in the future, even though I know there's no real reason for me to pull her from SG-1, that doesn't mean I know what am I supposed to do now. What I do know is that Sam is still feeling terribly uncomfortable about this whole encounter and I'm not doing much better. This is not a situation I was prepared to deal with and the truth is that I'd take the Goa'uld any day. I'm a military man and I definitely prefer those enemies I can kill.

In that regard I really miss being on the front lines, though I know that's no longer an option. I'm not young enough, I'm not fit enough, and there's no denying that. That means that if I want to keep on fighting I have to do so from a distance, I have to do so from behind a desk... and that distance has its own set of problems, problems I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle. Yes, I do enjoy my current position, I love the SGC, I think it is the best command in the world --and there's no way I'd ever give it up-- and up until a few hours ago I thought I was doing reasonably well, but the truth is that there are some aspects of my position here that still cause me to feel more than a little lost and this has been a rather painful reminder of that fact.

Of course, the fact that I'm uncomfortable with this whole situation doesn't mean I can avoid dealing with it. Avoidance is a luxury I don't have so I suck in a deep breath and pray that I won't mess this one up too badly.

"Sam," I say, trying to be gentle, hoping that the use of her first name will allow her to relax, at least a little, "you do realize that no one blames you for what's happened, don't you?"

"Yes, sir," she says, though somehow I'm still not sure I'm getting through to her... in fact I'm pretty sure I'm not and that is frustrating the hell out of me.

"Relax, captain, you are not in trouble here," I insist.

"But, sir, I..." she trails off and I finally realize what's going on.

"I know this is a difficult situation but you are not alone here... and you have nothing to fear," I say, point blank, seeing how subtlety isn't going to cut it this time around... which is fine by me because subtlety's never really been my thing.

"I know, sir," she says, though it is obviously a lie. She is afraid but not so much because of Turghan, she is afraid because of me. That is the realization I'm suddenly being confronted with.

I really should have seen that one coming. I mean, we may be trying to help her here but I suspect that no matter what we do or what we say, she will see all of our efforts as a sort of probation. If she messes up she'll have to talk to MacKenzie, if she messes up she'll be pulled from active duty. We may be thinking of what's best for her but from her perspective all those are punishments to be feared and that is a problem we are going to have to overcome.

I know Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser are far better equipped to deal with this situation than I am but the fact remains that I am her commanding officer and that means I can't wash my hands off of this one... and that in turn is definitely giving me a deeper understanding of the concerns both Dr. Jackson and Dr. Fraiser have expressed in terms of this not being their field. This is a delicate situation, I know that much, but we will have no choice but to try our best here, all of us... whether we are ready or not.

I shake my head as I realize that I've gotten somewhat distracted and that Sam is still waiting for me to say something... now if only I could be sure of what that something should be.

"I mean, yes, what happened on that planet should have been reported right away, there's no denying that, but I understand why it wasn't," I say, trying to explain, but I'm still not quite sure of how to phrase things.

I know why it wasn't reported and I know it wasn't just because of Dr. Warner. Sam was worried about how the rest of us were going to react... and the worst part is that somehow I'm not sure there's anything I can say to reassure her. In fact, if I am to be perfectly honest with myself, I can't even pretend that her concerns were unfounded.

What would I have done if I had found out about this back then? I don't know --in fact I'm grateful that I won't ever have to find out-- though one thing is for sure: avoiding MacKenzie wouldn't have been an option, not back then... and I suspect discretion too would have been out of the question. Sure, no one would have said anything, at least not openly, but that's not the point.

The point is that back then we wouldn't have had to say anything, it would have gotten out anyway. If Sam had been pulled from active duty immediately after Simarka it wouldn't have taken long for everyone around here to figure out exactly what had happened... especially because her confrontation with Turghan was public knowledge.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about that, not now... though the problems this whole situation is bound to entail are more than enough as far as I'm concerned. Right now I just want to make it through this little encounter without making matters worse for her, then maybe I'll have time to think things through.

I mean, this is not the time for me to be doing this, I can't afford to get distracted but I'm having more than my fair share of trouble trying to keep my mind on the here and now. In fact, for the second time in less than a minute, I've caught my mind wondering when I should have been paying attention to what is going on around me, as Sam is answering to my previous comment.

"Thank you, sir," she says and I find myself growing increasingly frustrated. I know she's not trying to be difficult here but I still can get her past the 'yes, sir', 'no, sir' mode... and I don't think that's going to change any time soon. Maybe I should try to talk to her off-base while she is off duty and somewhat more relaxed, but somehow I suspect that even that wouldn't be quite so simple.

To begin with, for me to do that would be seen as out of character and she would almost certainly react accordingly, especially considering how defensive she seems to be feeling right now. Well, at least for the time being the fact is that there's nothing more I can do and all my attempts at getting her to understand that I'm not the enemy are unlikely to get me anywhere.

Sam walked in here convinced that she was going to find herself in trouble and anything I say she is likely to perceive as either a reprimand or a sign of pity... and even I can tell that she doesn't need either of those things.

In other words, there's just no way I can win here, there's nothing I can say or do to make this better so I might as well let her go... of course, the downside to dismissing Sam is that once she is gone I'm going to find myself all out of excuses.

Once she is out of my office I'm going to have no choice but to tackle informing Colonel O'Neill of this whole mess and that is something I'm definitely not looking forward to. Somehow I suspect that this whole thing is not going to go over particularly well with Jack, though at least I'm going to have the backup of Dr. Fraiser on that one. That is a small comfort, I know, but right now I think I'll take whatever comfort I can get.

... And to think that my first thought when I woke up this morning was that it looked like it was going to be a beautiful day.

Author's notes: Hi guys, okay, there's not much for me to say right now except to thank you for your reviews... as always, they are deeply appreciated.

Alec