For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 24: Silent Defiance
(Daniel's POV)

I can see she's fuming the moment she walks into my office and I realize almost immediately that her talk with General Hammond didn't exactly go as she had been hoping it would. I know he must have informed her that she's moving in with me for the time being and I certainly understand that she is not happy about that... not that I expected her to be. I realize that both Janet and General Hammond feel the need to do something about this whole situation, the problem is that I'm not sure if pushing Sam is the right thing for them to do. Knowing I have to say something before she explodes I ask, "so, how did it go?"

"They don't trust me," she says with a resigned sigh.

"Why do you say that, Sam?"

"You know they wanted me to move in with you for a while?"

"Wanted? You managed to talk them out of it?" I ask, not quite believing my ears. After all, Janet did sound pretty adamant about that one.

"Not exactly... it looks like you'll be moving in with me instead," she explains. "I won't kick you out of your bed for two whole weeks."

"Umm, Sam, how am I supposed to sleep in my bed when I'm staying at your place?" I ask with a smile, wondering if that is such a good idea... and wondering what am I supposed to do about Schroedinger.

"Okay, wrong phrasing, I meant that at least at my place you won't have to take the couch because I actually have a guest room... and it's not so much you I'm mad at, it's more about them telling me to eat my vegetables and that I have to be home by curfew. They are treating me like I'm six!"

"Actually, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think that one is just about this particular situation and it's probably not entirely about you either."

"What do you mean?"

"How long has Janet been here?"

"Almost seven months, why?"

"And how long has she been nagging you that you must eat properly, sleep eight hours a night and limit your intake of coffee to less than half a gallon or some such nonsense... even if she is as bad as you are in that regard?" I ask.

"About six and a half months... it took her a few days to get settled, I guess."

"Yes, well, you are not the only one," I tell her. "She's been on my case almost from the beginning and I suspect that when this whole situation came up she saw a chance to force that agenda and she ran with it. You were kind of at her mercy already and by making me 'responsible' for making sure you keep your schedule, that you eat and sleep regularly, she figured it would be a two birds, one stone kind of deal... and I'm guessing the temptation was too much for her to resist."

"Of all the sneaky..." she growls before she trails off.

"I know," I agree.

"They are holding my position in SG-1 hostage."

"I know, Sam, and I'm not saying it's fair... of course if Janet is going to be sneaky, well, two --or in this case three-- can play that game," I tell her with a smile.

"What are you planning?"

"You said it last night: being an astrophysicist you can't exactly take your work home..."

"So?" she prods with some curiosity.

"So, did General Hammond mention my request to ask you to help me put together some guidelines for female personnel who find themselves dealing with male-dominated societies that are openly hostile toward women?" I ask.

"Yes... do you really think it will help?"

"Maybe in some cases, especially in a situation similar to the one we encountered in Simarka. The way I see it, it can't really hurt and it may actually come in handy. If nothing else it should make it possible for women to be aware of what kinds of risks they may be taking when they walk through that gate and to decide whether or not those risks are worth taking from their individual perspectives. I know you've made your choice and I respect it but I must admit I am worried that by making that choice you may have denied someone else the opportunity to do the same... and that someone might have made a different one," I explain before going on.

"Don't get me wrong, I understand why you felt the need to keep quiet but I'm hoping this will at least give others the basis they need to make an informed decision on their own... and though we'll be focusing mostly on women the truth is that I'm just as worried about the men who join the SGC, but that's a different story. Anyway, the point is that by working on those guidelines we should be able to provide that information discreetly without revealing any details of what happened to you on that planet."

"Do you really think it will work?" asks Sam, sounding almost hopeful.

"To tell you the truth I don't know. It should, but seeing how the prevalent military mentality seems to be that a sense of self-preservation is a sign of weakness no one will ever admit to, the truth is that I'm not sure... but in spite of that I still think it's worth a shot. Besides the fact is that what Turghan threatened you with worries me... especially because it's not part of what should have been his culture. It is an Egyptian tradition that was probably acquired through their contact with the Goa'uld who were heavily influenced by Ancient Egypt... and if that's the case then the practice may well turn out to be widespread."

"I know," she says, rather reluctantly.

"The point is that that is something we can't ignore."

"I guess it makes sense... the truth is that I never really thought much about how my decision was likely to affect others beyond the fact that I didn't want the general to close the doors of SG teams to women... I never thought I might be jeopardizing someone else," she explains.

"I know... you had to make a difficult choice in a split second and I think it was the right one at the time, but maybe by doing this we'll be enabling others to make a different one, so you're in?" I ask.

"I'm in," she agrees.

"Good because that means we may get a little side benefit."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you may be unable to take your work home but I can certainly bring mine along and since I want you to help me and we've pretty much been ordered to stick together..." I trail off, letting her fill in the rest.

"So you won't play the part of Janet's enforcer, even if she's making you stay with me?"

"Of course not, and both Janet and General Hammond know it. Sure, we can't overdo it if we don't want to get in trouble, but that restriction of fourteen hours a day with one day off a week does seem a little too... artificial... for comfort, and adding this project on top of that --while important-- would cut into our regular work even further," I explain. "This way we still get as many hours as they will allow us here at the base to do our work and then, once we go home, we can work on those guidelines after-hours. All we will need is a computer and maybe half a dozen books from my place... besides it is a research that's right along the lines of what you told me you are already doing on your own so we would just be organizing things. As for Janet making me stay with you, I must confess that she may have gotten the idea from something I said about why I asked you to stay with me last night in the first place," I confess.

"What exactly did you say, Daniel?" asks Sam, sounding more than a little worried.

"That I didn't want you to have to wake up alone if you had a nightmare."

"I can handle it," she says.

"I have no doubt about that but the fact that you can doesn't mean you should have to... not when you have a choice," I tell her before going on. "You know my parents died when I was a kid, don't you?"

"Yes, why?"

"Well, after that I kept having nightmares," I admit. "I was living in foster homes at the time and no one really gave a damn about it. For years I used to wake up almost every night terrified and then I'd spend hours trying not to go back to sleep, thinking about what had happened. After a while I was doing my best to avoid sleep at all costs, but of course, that didn't really work."

"How long did that go on?" she asks.

"Until Abydos... until Sha're. Knowing that she was there, that I wasn't going to be alone when I woke up, made all the difference in the world. She made it safe for me to go to sleep for the first time in decades and that's one of the things I'm most grateful for."

"And the dreams didn't come back when you did?"

"No... at least not the ones I had as a kid... of course, now I've got a brand new crop of them, but that's a different story," I tell her, hoping that she will let it drop.

"So you are still having nightmares," she says, and it's not a question.

"Yes, but they are different now."

"And you are still waking up alone?"

"Yes."

"And yet you haven't told anyone about them, have you?" she challenges me.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I guess because it's personal and Sha're isn't here," I explain.

"So you are keeping them to yourself because you consider them a private matter and yet you are okay with Janet ordering me to share mine with you."

"Please don't take it like that. I just want to help," I say, realizing that she has a point.

"I know but I hate the fact that all of a sudden everyone feels like they have a right to run my life. Last time I checked it was still my life," she says, sounding rather upset.

"It is, and I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay... I guess I knew this was going to happen."

"What?" I ask.

"People treating me like I'm broken, like I can't make my own decisions," she explains.

"Whoa, slow down. This is not about you being 'broken' as you say. It is about the fact that you have a problem, a problem you admit to," I remind her, "and yes, we are trying to find a way to help you deal with it."

"It may be a problem but it is my problem, it is a problem you are trusted to handle on your own but suddenly I need a keeper?" she asks.

"I'm allowed to handle it on my own because no one knows about it," I remind her. "It's not something I like to talk about... especially not during the daytime hours when I can actually try to forget about it for a while."

"Yes, well, apparently that's a luxury I can't afford," she says, sounding almost resigned.

"I'll make you a deal. I can't change the general's orders but we can make this a two way street, okay? I'll trust you and you trust me. I'm not the enemy here, Sam," I tell her.

"I know you are not the enemy and it's not like I have a choice. That's the part that bothers me the most. I was told that unless I'm a good little girl I'm basically out of SG-1... and the same thing will happen if you were to try to cover for me."

"So? I'm not offering to cover for you, I'm still going to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing so it should be fine... all I'm doing is adding a slightly different twist to the whole thing. I'll be perfectly honest with you, I know the general has good intentions but I don't agree with him strong-arming you into doing things you don't want to do. I know it's a military thing having to do with the chain of command and all that but I'm not military and you are right, you should have been given more control over what you wanted to do about this and how you wanted to do it, unfortunately it wasn't my call."

"He's telling the colonel now," she whispers, out of nowhere.

"You knew that was bound to happen," I remind her.

"Yeah but... I don't know... I guess I hadn't really given much thought to that part," she admits.

"And you are worried about how he's going to react."

"He's going to go all overprotective, isn't he?" she asks.

"Probably," I admit, realizing that there's no point in trying to deny it.

"I can take care of myself."

"I know it, you know it and in a way even Jack knows it... but this is not about him questioning that particular ability of yours... not really," I tell her. "Let me ask you something, what would you have done if you had seen someone else on the team get badly hurt."

"I would have tried to help them, that's what we do," she says without even hesitating.

"And if that someone had concealed something like this from you to 'protect you' how would you have felt?" I push.

"Angry, I guess... and I probably would have tried to make amends somehow but..."

"No buts, that is exactly what's happening here," I tell her. "You don't have to like it but we messed up when we failed to realized what had happened in Simarka and we are trying to make amends. That's true of myself, of General Hammond and of Jack... and I must warn you that if you decide to tell Teal'c at a later date, once the rest of us have managed to come to terms with this, then you may as well get ready for another bout of guilt."

"I know... believe it or not I actually understand that but that doesn't really help... I mean I feel like..." she trails off.

"Like what, Sam?"

"Like it's all spinning out of control, like I'm about to watch my whole life crash and burn right in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it."

"Why?"

"Because you know and Janet knows and the general knows, in fact he's busy filling the colonel in right now --whether I like it or not-- and then..."

"He promised to handle it as discreetly as possible, Sam," I say, trying to reassure her. "It's just going to be the five of us unless you decide to tell someone else."

"No, it won't. It's not so simple. He asked me to submit an updated report," she reminds me.

"So?"

"So reports are not just for the general's amusement, Daniel. They are filed, they are shared with the higher ups and now anyone with access to those files is going to know exactly what happened," she says. "We turn to other teams' mission reports whenever we encounter a situation similar to something they've experienced and they do the same... and sooner or later someone is going to use this thing against me. As soon as I submit that report this whole mess will become a matter of record and it will follow me for the rest of my life."

"I hadn't thought of that, but surely..." I try to say, but she interrupts me.

"There's no way around it and you know it."

"We'll think of something," I promise, realizing that her point is a valid one.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Maybe Janet will think of something, come up with a way to include it in your medical file rather than in the mission report --after all, even in the military medical files are confidential... for the most part-- or maybe we could ask General Hammond to treat that report as being for his eyes only and let the old one stand in official records."

"I can't ask the general to cover for me!" she exclaims.

"Maybe you can't but luckily for you I'm not military and I can ask him for you," I remind her. "I know you are worried about it but the truth is that I don't think he asked for that report to leave you exposed."

"Then why did he do it?"

"I don't know, maybe he didn't really give much thought to the consequences of such a report being filed in the first place, after all this whole thing was dropped on him basically out of nowhere or maybe..."

"Maybe what?" she asks when I trail off.

"Maybe he wasn't comfortable asking you what had happened. He didn't want to talk about it but maybe he felt he needed a first hand account of the events and this may be a way for him to get that account... or maybe he just wants to make sure you are not in denial about any of this."

"But I'm not in denial, that's the whole point. This is news to you, it's not news to me," she says. "I've been dealing with this whole thing for months and the fact that I'm not sobbing in a corner trying to push the world away doesn't mean I'm not dealing with it."

"I know, but at the same time the fact is that we are worried and we have plenty of reasons to be," I remind her. "As you said, you've been dealing with this for months and it's not news to you but it is news to us. No one is trying to hurt you here but at the same time you are going to have to cut us some slack. I know it's not fair to ask but the fact remains that it will take us a while to believe you are fine... and I suspect that's going to be particularly true of Jack and General Hammond. Think of it like a side-effect of the fact that you've had a seven month head-start in coming to terms with this. You may be well on your way to getting over this whole thing but it's going to take us a while to catch up with you."

"It's not going to get better, is it?" she asks, sounding almost defeated.

"Eventually it will, but for the next few days things are going to be difficult, there's no denying that. If you want a bit of advice I'd say don't pretend to be doing better than you are and we will be less likely to think that you are lying to us."

"I'm not lying," she insists.

"No, but are you trying to minimize the impact of what you are dealing with?" I ask.

"Maybe a little," she admits, somewhat reluctantly, "I just don't want to make a big deal out of it. As I told you last night, it could have been worse, a lot worse, and I'm just grateful that nothing else happened. You know what the alternative was."

"Yes, I do and I understand what you are saying," I agree, "but at the same time I understand where General Hammond is coming from because even though I'm trying to fight it, well, the truth is that my first instinct is to want to go back to Simarka and beat the crap out of Turghan --not that I could, mind you-- and my second instinct is to try to protect you, to keep you safe somehow. I can't believe I didn't see what was happening before and right now I'm kicking myself for it..."

"I don't need you to keep me safe," she reminds me, sounding almost offended.

"The rational part of me knows that, believe it or not, but it's not so simple... and you know it."

"I know," she reluctantly admits, "but just like you know it's not rational, the fact that on a rational level I know why you are doing all this --why you are all treating me like you don't know what to say around me or how to act-- it doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Fair enough," I agree.

Author's notes: Hi guys, first of all, thanks for your reviews, as usual they are appreciated. Also, I know you were kind of looking forward to the conversation between jack and General Hammond, sorry about the delay but I wanted to get this little scene out of the way before bringing jack into it. I promise to post it next week.

Take care and keep reviewing!

Alec