Setting a Course

By Bernadeen

Summary: Harm decides it's time to move his relationship with Mac forward.

From Chapter 1

Mac needed to do some work this weekend so she had to get some sleep. Her emotions were so high that she doubted that sleep would come anytime soon. After carefully removing her dress and hanging it away, she took a quick shower, hoping it would relax her. As she slid into bed, she realized her calf muscle was aching. Funny, she hadn't noticed it all evening, even while dancing. Well, she was probably high on endorphins all evening. Surprisingly, minutes after laying her head on her pillow, she felt herself drift towards sleep.

Chapter 2

Her dreams were filled with her sailor and her together, laughing, playing, dancing, making love. Wonderful dreams that had her smiling in her sleep. Then towards morning, the dream was different. She saw dark, stormy water; she felt desperately afraid – it was her fear but also she could feel Harm's fear. Then there was nothing but a terrible sense of loss and sadness. The admiral was telling her Harm had been lost at sea. That his plane had gone down and he hadn't been able to eject.

Mac woke up with tears on her cheeks and a sob in her throat. It was so real. And when Mac's dreams were so real, sometimes they meant something. That really scared her. She told herself it was just a recurrence of Harm's mishap in the Atlantic on the day before her wedding was supposed to take place.

The dream had disturbed her so deeply that her internal clock wasn't working and her bedside clock read 0417. She debated with herself exactly five minutes and 38 seconds – apparently her internal clock had kicked in again – before picking up the phone and punching the speed dialing button for Harm's home phone. She had to hear his voice for reassurance.

He answered groggily on the third ring. "Harm, I'm so sorry to disturb you .. "

"Mac, what's wrong?" Harm was instantly wide awake and worried.

"I feel so stupid now but I … I had a terrible dream … your plane went down at sea and you weren't able to eject .. and the admiral was telling me that you …" a sob stopped her from continuing.

"Mac, Mac, listen to me. It was just a dream. It probably goes back to my mishap in the Atlantic. I'm okay. I don't plan to be flying anytime soon. It's three months until my next quals … Mac, do you want me to come over? … Are you all right?"

"This is silly. I'm okay. But sometimes my dreams are more than just dreams and that's what scared me. You go back to sleep. I'm sorry I called."

"Mac, don't ever be sorry you called me if you need me. Promise me? Mac?"

"All right .."

When there was no further response, Harm said, "Listen, I'll bring over breakfast. 0900, okay? I won't stay long. I'll just check in so you can see that I'm okay."

"Thanks, Harm. I don't ever want to be one of those clinging females, but I would like to see you."

Harm's snort of laughter brought back Mac's sense of reality. "You, a clinging female .. never!" he stated emphatically, although still chuckling.

"Yeah, well … good night, Harm. See you at 0900."

0900 EDT, Sunday

Mac's apartment

The knock on her door brought Mac running from the bedroom. She had barely gotten her shower and dressed, after having overslept. She pulled the door wide and allowed Harm to enter carrying a bag with their breakfast. He set it on her kitchen counter and then turned to pull her into his arms. He just held her tightly while she clung to him, reassuring herself of his warmth and vitality. His aliveness …

Finally he pulled back slightly and said, "See, I'm okay. Are you okay?"

She looked up at his wonderful, though slightly worried smile, and said, "I'm much better now. Let's eat."

With a relieved laugh, Harm started pulling coffee and bagels from the bag.

As they ate, Mac asked, "When are your next quals?"

"In just over three months."

"Any chance you'll be flying before that?"

"Not that I know of now, but you know what happened on the Seahawk. I hadn't planned to fly there, either. That's not likely to happen again, but if I have a chance to fly, I won't say no. You know that, don't you, Mac?"

"Yes, Harm. Flying is part of who you are. I wouldn't ask you to give it up. But I don't want to lose you …"

Harm reached out and gently touched Mac's cheek. "In our business, there are always dangers. Especially in today's world. You know that. We can't let fear dictate our lives."

"I know that as well as you. I'm a Marine, remember?" Mac responded a bit harshly. "It's just that this dream was so real … I felt your fear here …" she put her hand over her heart, " … and it was my own, too. It was tearing my heart out … " she looked away, her eyes bright with unshed tears.

"Oh, Sarah .." Harm reached out and pulled her into his arms, cradling her head against his chest. She lay there quietly for a minute before composing herself and sitting up.

"The last time I had a dream that meant something, I saw myself being killed in the dream. But it was Commander Aikin who was killed. Maybe this dream isn't about you and me, but about someone else that we know."

"God, Mac. I hope it's just a dream. But if it's not, what can we do about it?" After a couple of seconds, he began answering his own question. "I can check the weather reports for storms and any naval ops in those areas. It's possible something has already happened and it's too late to do anything. I'd hate that like hell, but at least we'd know that it wasn't me in your dreams."

"What an awful feeling to hope that it may have happened to someone else." She hung her head sadly. Then she looked up. "My last dream was current; that is, it probably occurred at the same time that the event occurred. It wasn't a premonition. Since you're here and if nothing has happened to a plane today, then it probably was just a bad dream." Mac took a deep breath. "Let's do some checking, okay?"

1235 EDT, Sunday

Mac's apartment

Harm put down the phone and turned to Mac. She could tell from his voice that in fact something had happened.

"Mac, this morning at 0315 EDT an F-14 from the Patrick Henry went into the Indian Ocean during high seas. However, the pilot and RIO ejected safely. They were picked up within half an hour. It seems your dream was half right."

"The Henry? Harm, do you know who the pilot and RIO were?"

"I didn't get names. Anyway, they're all right." He reached out and wrapped an arm around Mac, pulling her to his side in a comforting half hug. "So either your dream was a coincidence or they aren't always accurate. Remember your other dream .. you were the victim and that was far from the truth."

"I'm so glad my dream wasn't correct, but the fact that I had it at all is still disturbing. What if it happens again? I won't know what to believe."

"I don't know what to say, Mac. You can't live in fear of having another dream about a real event. You would never want to go to sleep and you can't let that happen." He hesitated, not sure of her reaction to his next suggestion. "Maybe you should talk to someone …After both of my crashes, my mind was pretty screwed up. I don't know whether I would have gone on my own, but the Navy required me to see a counselor in order to get back to active duty. I think it helped …" he trailed off as he watched for her reaction.

At first Mac was ready to deny any need to talk to a psychologist, but there had been times in her life when she had been forced to seek out professional help. Most times it had been friends or the military that had gotten her there .. she wouldn't have done it on her own. But she didn't rule out the possibility now. "You're right. If these dreams occur often and they become a bother, I'll find someone to talk to, okay?"

They were still standing together with an arm wrapped around each other's waist. Mac gave a harder squeeze and then stepped away. "So, what now?"

"We both have cases to prepare for tomorrow. Unfortunately, they're not the same cases so it won't do us much good to work together. I'd better get out of here and let you get to it …" He could see disappointment in her eyes. He hesitated. He wanted so badly to stay .. to spend the afternoon and night and forever with her. He was pretty sure she wouldn't throw him out, either. But he didn't want anything to go wrong now. They had to take it one step at a time.

Before he could change his mind, he walked toward the door, then turned back to kiss her goodbye. She came to him so willingly, her lips soft and warm and yielding, parting to let him have access to her mouth. He lingered longer than he intended over the kiss, finally pulling back to look into her eyes. He saw everything he had ever hoped to see there, but also uncertainty. He sighed. "We need to talk, Sarah." He had wanted this conversation to come later, but they both had to be clear about expectations.

He took her hand and led her back to the couch. "Sarah, it's not that I don't want to stay with you. You must know that?"

"I was hoping .. " she replied softly, but left her hopes unexpressed.

"I started us down this road more than a year ago on the admiral's porch. The timing was totally inappropriate and if I hadn't crashed, you'd be happily married to Brumby." He watched a measure of humor change her expressive dark eyes.

"You give yourself an awfully lot of credit, Flyboy." Then she became more serious. "I would have married Mic. He loved me and he was good for me. But I don't think our marriage would have been without a few bumps in the road." She looked up at him. "The biggest bump would have been you."

"So now I'm just a bump in the road?" he grinned, his sense of humor never far away. "You really know how to stroke a man's ego."

"I don't stroke men's egos. I'm a Marine." She shot back, laughing.

He sat for a moment just looking at her. Finally Mac raised her eyebrows and questioned, "What …?"

"I was just thinking how much I've missed this .. this teasing between us. You always were ready with a quick remark when I start to take myself too seriously. We used to be so much fun together and I destroyed that when I left JAG."

"I'll admit it changed things. I missed you so badly but I had to go on. I had no idea that you would ever come back so I buried the disappointment at losing my best friend and just kept going." She raised her head and said briskly, "enough about the past. I thought we were going to talk about the future?"

"Like I said, you always keep me on track," he laughed. Then he became more serious. Picking up her small, strong hand, he held it in both of his large powerful ones. "Sarah, I wanted to have things clear between us after my crash. Then Renee was there and I realized later that the time was still wrong. I wish I could have been there when you were hurting from Mic's leaving, though maybe I would have been the wrong one then. I don't know. Anyway, it just didn't seem to work out. You made it clear that you didn't want to see much of me, so I backed off.

"I thought I could be satisfied with just gaining back your friendship. I didn't know how you felt. Hell, I didn't admit how I felt until it hit me in the face that I was about to lose you to another man. But you seemed so happy with Mic. I would never consciously have done anything to spoil that. I hated myself for my lapse on the admiral's porch."

He stopped and drew a deep breath. "I guess I'm getting into the past again and I do want to talk about now. In the last six years, we've both been in our share of dangerous situations. That's part of military life. But now the world is more dangerous. Our assignments can be even more dangerous. When I was trying to get my damaged Tomcat back to the carrier, the one distraction I allowed myself was thinking about you. I needed to get back because we had never had the talk we needed to have."

"I was so scared that I was going to lose you," Mac admitted. "I kept telling myself that if anyone could get back in one piece, it was you. The toughest part was being the stoic Marine officer on the outside while I felt like a fist was tearing my heart and my guts out." She leaned forward and laid her head against his shoulder. Before Harm could reach out to comfort her, she raised her head and said briskly, "but you enjoyed the hell out of the adventure so let's move on."

"Mac, it's what I do .. fly Tomcats." He said, softly pleading for her understanding.

"Yeah, I know. You wouldn't be the man I … you wouldn't be you if you didn't fly." She could not yet say the words, 'the man I love,' but they hung in the air between them.

Harm smiled a satisfied smile and continued, "as I was saying, the world is crazy and dangerous. I decided that I wouldn't give up on us if there is any chance that you feel what I do. I want to start at the beginning, just like you suggested; hence the first date last night. But I thought we had to be careful… to take it slow. Sarah, if we cross the line between friends and lovers, there is no going back. And if things don't work out, I've lost you completely. That's what scares me. That's why I waited so long."

Mac gazed at Harm with new understanding and respect. God, how she loved this man! He was smart, honorable, kind, capable, fun, and now he was getting it right between them when she hadn't had a clue on how to even start. "Harm, how did you get so smart?"

"I don't know about that .. I've been working out possibilities in my mind for more than a year. I was afraid I would over think the situation and screw it up." He raised her hand to his lips. "Are we okay, then?"

"Absolutely! Harm, I'm so happy you had the courage that I lacked. I want more eventually, but for now I agree that we need to go slowly." She hesitated, thinking about practicalities. "As for tomorrow and working together. We've got to be absolutely professional and do nothing to disrupt the good order and discipline of the office. It's not that I want to hide this new stage in our lives, but it's just that … that it's so new. I don't want people questioning and gossiping yet."

"I agree. We need to live in two worlds for awhile – our personal one and our professional one." He kissed the fingers of the hand he was holding, then laid it back in her lap. "Now I really do have to go. See you in the morning, Sarah." He leaned toward her to place a soft kiss on her lips.

"I like it when you call me Sarah, but you'll have to be careful at work. It would be a dead give away that something is going on." Mac laughed.

"Right you are. Bye, Mac." He slightly emphasized her name as if practicing for the office.

After he left, Mac sat replaying their conversation. She hugged herself and felt shivers of excitement run through her body. No man had ever made her feel this way. It was scary because she didn't think she could survive it if she lost him, for any reason. 'Live for the moment, Marine,' she told herself. 'Take what life offers and hang on for the ride.'

End Chapter 2