Title: And The Squirrels Were Merry
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, all these characters belong to CBS. I own nothing except my imagination!
Spoilers: Anything after Season 4 because this one is set in November of 2006.
Summary: Slightly AU. These are Samantha's ruminations as she says goodbye to someone important to her.
A/N: Conceptually it started out as a happy fic, but it didn't stay that way for long. It slowly morphed into what it is now. Enjoy!
And the squirrels were merry
The sun shone brightly on that late-autumn day as the crowd gathered to pay their last respects to a man that was many things to many people. Son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, co-worker, friend. He was all of those things and more. He touched so many lives through his work and through just being himself, making friends wherever he went. No one was able to resist his charm and kind-hearted nature.
Samantha stood quietly in the crowd, pulling her coat around her tightly. She wasn't in the front of the crowd like she wanted to be because she didn't think that she belonged there. That place was saved for his family, and she'd lost her chance a long time ago to be a member of that exclusive club.
She wasn't standing with the rest of the team either because she was hoping to avoid the intense stare of Danny as he tried to get her to react to what was happening instead of putting on her all-too familiar mask of indifference. So she voluntarily isolated herself, staying back just far enough to see what was happening while also keeping her distance.
The priest read a few bible verses relevant to occasion and started a prayer. The priest prayed for God to take care of his soul and allow him into the promised land of heaven before adding an extra prayer for God to watch out for the people he left behind.
It took a lot of self-restraint for her not to laugh at the thought of praying to God. What was the point in praying to God? Praying to God never seemed to help her. The one time she gave in and asked the Almighty for help she was denied.
She didn't ask God for much. She didn't ask for God to spare his life so that she could reunite with him, even though she was tempted. All she asked God for was for his life to be spared so that he could find happiness, live to be very old and have a ton of great-grandchildren since he was so family-oriented. Then he could die many years from now, peacefully in his sleep while lying in his own bed.
Instead he died on the cold, hard operating table of a hospital surrounded by strangers and never attaining that 2.2 kids, white picket fence dream he always wanted. When she heard the news that he had died in surgery she realized that her dreams of having the same thing died with him because somewhere along the way her dreams had become dependent upon him. It was just too bad she didn't realize that before.
If she hadn't been so difficult and stubborn, if she had only been open with him, if she had done things differently, maybe they would have been able to give their tattered relationship another try. Maybe then he'd still be here. Or maybe not. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe this was his destiny. Maybe his destiny was to be ripped away from the people who loved him while he was still in the prime of his life.
Watching them lower the casket into the ground was unbearable for her. She turned her head, unable to watch it happening. If she watched it she was certain that she would cry—and then she would never be able to stop. Her goal for today was to hold back the tears until she was alone. So far she was succeeding, but only barely.
She had made it through hearing the heart-breaking eulogies given by some of his family, childhood friends, and co-workers back at the church without crying. Then she had also managed to ride over to the cemetery in Danny's car without crying, even though Danny kept trying to coerce her into letting it out and not holding it all inside. Now she just had to be strong for a little while longer. In a little while she would let it go. The tears threatening to fall would be allowed and they would be purged from her eyes. But not now and not in front of these people.
With her head turned away, she noticed a nearby tree. It was a huge oak tree that had to be at least a hundred years old, if not older. Since it was November the leaves had already fallen, leaving the limbs bare and empty. In an effort to distract herself for a moment, she wondered briefly what the oak tree would look like throughout the seasons as its' leaves grew back and then changed colors in early autumn.
She was about to turn her head back to check on the progress of the casket being lowered into the deep grave when a pair of squirrels caught her eye. They were running around animatedly and chasing each other. Their movements were swift and if she didn't know any better she would think that the squirrels were playing a game of tag. They seemed completely content with their lives, oblivious to the funeral taking place less than fifty feet away from them.
He had once told her that when he was young he loved watching the squirrels that lived in his backyard. He explained that he loved watching them because they always looked so playful and always seemed so carefree.
Even when he saw the squirrels scrounging for nuts to store for the upcoming winter, their bushy tails would whip around playfully and they would always stop what they were doing and start chasing each other around, as if playing some kind of game. He never saw a squirrel that didn't act in a merry way.
And the squirrels were merry.
The sound of dirt being placed on the casket drew her back to the service and she watched as the brown dirt eventually covered up the casket, leaving only small slivers of the black casket visible. But soon those small slivers of the casket were covered with dirt as the grave continued to be filled.
About ten feet in front of her was his family. She tried not to stare but it was hard not to. She'd never seen his father cry or show any real emotion for his son. Now though, as she watched his father desperately clutching onto his wife as she cried for the son she was burying, Sam saw the true extent of his father's affection. She could tell that his father was trying to hold himself together, just as she was. Only he was trying to be strong for his wife. Sam didn't have anyone to be strong for anymore.
The priest said a few more words and soon the crowd started to disperse. The first people to leave were the ones who didn't know him very well and now would never have the chance to change that. His family stayed rooted in place, staring at his gravestone, sobbing and holding each other for comfort. There was no one left to comfort her anymore though. Shoving that thought out of her head so that she didn't start crying, Sam turned her head back to look at the oak tree.
It wasn't much to look out without its' leaves. She imagined what it would look like when the leaves returned. It was probably a great tree to sit underneath for shade. It was strong and stable. Always open and ready to greet people. Just like he was. In many ways he was the oak tree.
He was the one who gave people a place to come and relax. With his easy-going nature he was the guy people came to with problems. Whether you had a small problem or a big one, he was always there to help. He was always there for the people he cared about, giving so much and asking for very little in return.
He'd given her so much—so much time, so much understanding, so much of his patience, so much love. She had drained him of everything he had to give and gave little back to him. Why couldn't she just have given him what he wanted from her? Why did she have to be so selfish and caught up in her own past demons? Why didn't she see what a special, once in a lifetime guy she had until it was too late?
And why did this have to happen to him? He was one of the good guys, one of the last remaining good guys around. Why did he have to get in the car that night and get hit by a drunk driver? Why did he have to die? She had so many questions of why things had to happen in the way they did, and yet she could find no answers.
The two squirrels came back, this time with a third squirrel. They scampered up the tree and climbed to the top branches. They kept moving, never staying on the same branch for very long.
And the squirrels were merry.
She felt a hand grab onto her arm and turned to see Danny standing next to her. She had been so involved with watching the squirrels that she had failed to notice that everyone was gone. Everyone except for Danny and her.
"Do you want to go the wake or do you want me to take you home?" Danny asked, hoping that he would be able to get her to talk to him about what she was feeling. It wasn't healthy for her to keep it bottled up inside and as her friend he wanted to help her.
"I'm not going to the wake and I'm not going home right now either." She informed him. "I'm staying here for a while."
"Oh." He hadn't expected that response from her but it was fine. "Ok. Then I'll stay with you and we can leave whenever you're ready."
"No." She shook her head. "I need to be alone."
He didn't agree with that. Now more than ever was the time that she needed friends around. "I don't think that…"
"Danny." She cut him off before he could get any further. "I appreciate it that you want to be a good friend to me but now is not the time. I need to be alone right now. I need…" Her bottom lip started to quiver as she held back the tears that threatened to fall prematurely. "I need to say goodbye to him in my own way and I can't do that with someone here watching me."
"I can wait in the car." Danny offered.
"No. That won't work." She shook her head again. "I'll be fine. I'll just call for a cab when I'm ready to go home."
"I don't want to leave you here alone." Danny admitted.
Sam reached over and did something that she rarely ever did. She hugged him tightly. "I'll be ok alone."
"Are you sure?" He asked as he pulled away a few moments later, still not feeling comfortable leaving her here alone.
"I'm sure." She tried to give him a smile but found her muscles couldn't quite form a real smile right now. The best she could manage was a small grin.
"Ok." He was hesitant about this but trusted Sam. If she thought that she would be ok, he would believe it too. "Call me when you get back home though, ok?"
"Ok." She assured him. She watched as he turned to leave and walked closer to the grave. It was completely filled with fresh dirt. She kneeled down next to his gravestone and picked up a small amount of the dirt in her hands, letting it slip through her fingers. As the clumps of dirt fell back onto the ground, the tears that she'd been holding in for so long started to flow. The floodgates opened and the dirt was soon consecrated with her tears.
"I know I never told you this, and I'm sorry about that, but I loved you." She closed her eyes and bowed her head. "I have always loved you. I've just always been too stupid and scared to admit it. Then you decided you'd had enough and ended things. I probably would have done the same thing too if I was in your shoes. You have always been too good for me." She hated to admit it, but it was true. She never fully deserved him. Maybe that was part of the reason why she lost him. He was never really hers to begin with.
"You were the greatest, kindest, most wonderful man I've ever met. There'll never be another man like you in the world. Never." The tears continued to flow with no signs of stopping.
She reached out and touched the engraved writing, tracing the letters of his name in a futile attempt to somehow feel connected to him again. "I'm not sure why this had to happen to you. You deserved so much more than this. You deserved to live out all of your dreams and have that family of your own that you wanted. Now you'll never get that."
She cried there in silence for a long time, not noticing the afternoon slowly turning into night as the sun began to set and darkness fell upon the cemetery. When she looked up and saw the night sky, she realized that she must have been sitting there crying for a long time. She slowly stood up, working out the sore muscles that hadn't been moved in hours. Then she placed a soft kiss on his gravestone before speaking to him for the last time. "Goodbye Martin. I'm really gonna miss you."
She took a deep breath and slowly walked away from his grave. After saying goodbye to him and releasing her tears, she felt more prepared to leave. She would try to move on with her life without him around, even though she was sure it wouldn't be easy. She would remember him and keep him in her heart until the day she died.
She'd always remember everything about this day because this was the day that she said her final goodbyes to Martin Fitzgerald. She'd always remember the details of the funeral. She'd remember who was there and what was said about him. She'd remember how clear the sky was and how bright the sun shone on the earth. She'd also remember the squirrels playing around that large oak tree.
And the squirrels were merry.