Author: Caren H
Copyright: 11/13/05
Category: Humor/General
Pairing: DM/HG
Rated: T, may change
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.
A/N: I got this idea from reading one of my friends fics for Kim Possible called "Shego's Fainmail." She's bloody brilliant, isn't she? Well, send Draco some questions!
Letter one:
Dear Malfoy,
You are Slytherin scum and I hate you!
- Aurora
Dear Aurora,
First, I already know that I am a Slytherin you distasteful piece of dirt! Secondly, this is FAN MAIL idiot. I do not take kindly to hateful words, or else I will personally hex you to you're death. You obviously have no life, because you actually took the time to write this rubbish letter of yours. You've just wasted paper on this pointless letter!
Sincerely,
-Draco Malfoy
P.S
I hate you too! I'm sure that everyone else who is important shares my feelings.
Letter Two:
Dear Draco,
Youso hot and I jus wanna snoggyou senseless.
Love,
Bubbly-Tee
Dear Bubbly-Tee
How old are you? Honestly, you should take the time to learn some good grammar and spelling. Better yet,try picking up a dictionary, or something! No one, especially me wants to sit around reading God-awful letters. I think I've just lost half of my brain power just reading your short and retarded letter.
Don't mail me again.
-Draco Malfoy
Letter Three:
Dear Draco,
This is Crabe! Do ya no what the test is on in Advanced Ancient Runes on Thursday? And if ya do, can I borrow you're notes?
Love,
-Crab
Dear Crabbe,
Why are you mailing me you brainless git? You are wasting my time! You could have just asked me personally. We do share a dorm room together!
No. You cannot borrow my notes. Take your own!
Eww! I don't love you, you bloody queer!
-Draco
P.S
Learn to spell your own blasted name 'Crabbe'.
Letter Four:
DRACOOMFGIXOXOXOJ
Dear Anonymous fan,
What the hell?
-Draco
Letter Five:
Dear Draco,
Why are you with the Mudblood? You could have any girl in Hogwarts and you chose...Granger. She's so…beneath us. Have you gone temporally insane?
-Blaise Zabini
Dear Blaise,
It's none of you're damn business who I date and if you ever question that I will suffocate you in you're slumber.
Yes, I could have any girl in Hogwarts but, they're all whores.
No, I have not gone insane. Have you? Surely, you have mailing me this letter.
YOU are beneath me you male prostitute. Yes, I know that you've been shagging girls for money.
Pathetic.
-D. Malfoy.
PS
If you ever speak of my girlfriend again, I will cause you great pain.
Don't use too many pillows Blaise.
Letter Six:
Dear Draco,
Is it true that you can actually perform wandless magic?
Sincerely,
-Little Billy
Dear Little Billy,
If I receive fan mail from you again, maybe you'll just find out.
-Draco
Letter Seven:
Oh hail the sexy, rich and powerful, pureblooded, death eater, Slytherin prince.
I adore you and will forever worship you as long as there is oxygen in my body.
Sincerely,
-Follower of the Malfoy's
Dear Follower of the Malfoy's
I want you to read these words carefully: Throw yourself off a cliff and forever perish.
-Draco
Letter Eight:
Draco,
Are you a Death Eater or not?
-Curious
Dear Curious,
Are you a moron or not?
-Draco
Letter Nine:
Dear Malfoy,
Don't you find it strange that people are mailing you when you're clearly just a fictional character in the Harry Potter books created by J.K. Rowling's?
-J.R.
Dear J.R.
Don't you find it brainless to actually mail a fictional character that dumbass question and expect a reply?
-Draco
Letter Ten:
Dear Draco,
Meet me in the Room Of Requirements for a little snog session.
You're girlfriend,
-Hermione Granger
PS
I'm all wet for you luv…
Dear Hermione imposter,
The 'real' Hermione is sitting right beside me as we speak you slut! She finds this letter truly hilarious. And I am laughing by arse off.
Good luck snogging 'alone'.
-D. M
End Letter
A/N: Feel free to leave Draco a fan mail. He'll be sure to answer all of you're questions.