Author: Caren H

Copyright: 11/13/05

Category: Humor/General

Pairing: DM/HG

Rated: T, may change

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.

A/N: Hey everyone. Some of these letters are from actually members. Feel free to send Draco fan mail of your own. Do remember that this is Draco replying to you're mail. Honestly, I have no say so in this.

Letter Eleven:

Dear Draco,

When are you and Hermione getting married and having those cute little kids with blonde hair and big brown eyes?

-Case of the Crazies

P.S. I really do find letter 8 and letter 10 absolutely hilarious.

Dear, Case of the Crazies,

Why don't you condense the name a bit? It took me almost an hour to reply to your fan mail!

Married? Did Hermione tell you about that? How many times do I have to tell her? One step at a time! It's hard enough being in a monogamous relationship for Merlin's sake.

I hate children.

Potty training isn't on my list of things, if you catch my drift.

-Draco

P.S. I found Letter 10 enjoyable too. I can always get a laugh out of slut bags.

Letter Twelve:

Dear Draco,

Which do you prefer, Pepsi or Coke?

Amber Walker

Dear Amber Walker,

Which do you prefer, crippled legs or missing teeth?

-Draco

P.S. Find yourself another hobby!

Letter Thirteen:

Dear Draco,

Hermione tells me that you enjoy replying to pointless, annoying and inconsequential fan mail. Care to take care of some of the rubbish I've sent?

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

Dear Harry,

Draco refused to reply to you're fan mail.

He's says' that he has already taken care of the 'rubbish'.

It's in the garbage now.

He still hates you, regardless of you're friendship with me.

Your best friend,

Hermione

P.S. He say's to never fan mail him again, or to ever regard him using his first name.

Letter Fourteen:

Dear Draco,

Do you like leather? What about life-saviours? Just curious.

FaeWings

Dear Fae-Wings,

What are you, some dominatrix freak? I'm not into kink! You need saving alright—-from you're mental instabilities.

-Draco

Letter Fifteen:

here's one! what do you think of the people who pair you and harry up? haha. :)

Dear Anonymous person,

Here's a tip, CAPITALIZATION! And learn to write a letter in its proper form!

I swear you people are born retarded.

As for slash writers: What the fu$$?

I feel sorry for them because there's no way in hell that I would ever shag Potty.

-Draco

Letter Sixteen:

Dear Draco,

Is green and silver you're favorite colours?

-Swim Fan

Dear Swim Fan,

No comment.

-Draco

Letter Seventeen:

Dear Draco,

Has Granger tried to change you for the better and if yes how so?

-Gretchen DeLodesa Computis

Dear Gretchen DeLodesa Computis,

Is that really your name? If so, how often do you get teased about it?

Yes, Hermione has indeed tried to change me for the better, and while I may have adapted some of my behavior to please her, deep down, I'm still nasty.

Take this as you please.

-Draco

Letter Eighteen:

Dear Harry Potter,

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER?

Love,

Cathie P.

Dear Cathie P,

Wrong address you weirdo.

This is DRACO fan mail you mundane piss of scum!

Have you gone mental? I am not bloody Potter!

-Draco

P.S. Even Potty wouldn't want a fanatical, stalker like you as his girlfriend!

Letter Nineteen:

Dear Draco,

Are you in a relationship with Pansy Parkinson?

If not, can I take a shot at her? She's really hot!

Sincerely,

Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

No.

Scratch that.

Hell no.

It doesn't say DM/HG for nothing.

You think Parkinson is hot? She's a hideous swine!

I seriously think you have mental issues if you like the bimbo.

If you're after the thick, out of control, pig-like, sham, bitch then by all means go for it. Both of you are clearly insane.

The best of luck to you. You're going to need it…or not, considering that you're just as creepy as Parkinson is.

-Draco

P.S. You're just gross.

Letter Twenty:

Dear Dracko,

I have 3 quetions

How come u dont smile? U sport a sneer on ur face all da time. It's creepy.

Why do u jel ur hair back? it look all hard, like ur hair is fake.

I think u cool and I wanna be jus like u som day.

Sicely,

Kobie moss a.k.a. komo's. my frends make it up.

P.U. Are ya gonna mail me bak cus I realy wan u to?

Dear Kobie Moss a.k.a. Komo's,

I was going to lay down a verbal assault on your arse for your atrocious spelling and grammar skills…or lack thereof; however, as I envision you as some third grader from the America's, I will let it go…for now, and you "think I'm cool". And I'm also going to forget that you called my hair 'fake' and my face 'creepy'. My hair is brilliant and my face is flawless. Got that? Flawless!

You children never know what to say out of you're little mouths anyway.

This is from the bottom to top: gonna (going), bak (back), cus (because), realy (really), P.U. (P.S. when writing a letter!), frends (friends), Sicely (Sincerely), wanna (want to), u (Y.O.U.), som (some), jel (gel), ur, (your), da (the), and dont (don't).

Number three wasn't a question. It was your opinion.

Look over these words. Learn them, love them, and live them. I don't ever want to receive a letter like this again okay? I'm not trying to be harsh kid, but somebody had to do it and it's evident that your school teachers have little, or no intelligence.

Well, there's nothing else to say.

Oh, right change schools, hate you're parents, and don't take anyone's crap. I don't want to find out that you're the punk that every bully picks on.

You come off as this little softy.

Grow some balls.

Sincerely,

Draco

P.S. The names DRACO! Not Dracko. That's something else I won't tolerate.

Letter Twenty One:

Dear Draco,

I LOVE YOU! I'M BETTER THAN HERMIONE WILL EVER DREAM OF BEING! WILL
YOU SLEEP WITH ME?

My lover,

Jessiee

Dear Jessiee,

FIRST OFF, EVERYONE LOVES ME! SO JUMP IN LINE!

SECONDLY, LEARN SOME GRAMMAR! YOUR LETTER MAKES LITTLE SENSE.

AND THIRD, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOU COULD EVER BE BETTER THAN MY HERMIONE YOU DEMENTED PSYCHO!

-Draco

P.S. HELL NO I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU NYMPHO!

End of Letters

A/N: Thank you for sending in your fan mail to Draco. He really appreciates them, and loves responding to you're questions. Feel free to drop a letter off on your way out.

Remember, Draco cares about the fans...and the idiotic.