Author: Caren H
Copyright: 11/13/05
Category: Humor/General
Pairing: DM/HG
Rated: T, may change
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.
A/N: Draco is truly pleased with all the fanmail that he has been receiving and urges his fans to continue. Feel free to send Draco fan mail of your own.
Letter Twenty Two:
Malfoy,
You were totally rude about the green/silver thing. It was just a question.
-Swim Fan
Dear Swim Fan,
Who cares?
Irritably,
Draco
P.S. It was a stupid question! Everyone knows that I love green and silver.
Letter Twenty Three:
Ferret,
Why do people send you fanmail but none to me? What's so special about you?
Weasley
Weasel,
Let's see why no on shows any interest in you. Hmm…ooh! I've got it!
I'm smart, you're brainless.
I'm sexy; you're hard on the eyes.
I have style; you wear ruffles.
I have Hermione, and you have lubricant.
Did I forget to mention that I'm sexy?
And you're too slow to do anything about it.
-Draco
P.S. You've become a little whiner Weasel-Bee! Get some back bone before I heave.
Letter Twenty Four:
From: Narcissa
Darling Draco,
My little baby's all grown up! Aw, you're such a perfect gentleman. I hope you and Hermione do get married even though it's a little on the dangerous side. My darling I love you.
Lots and Lots of Love,
Mummy
Dear Mum,
You're sitting right across from me! Stop mailing me!
You do remember that Hermione and I are here for the holidays?
And for the last time, nobody's getting married right now!
God, the pressure!
Love you loads mum,
Draco
Letter Twenty Five:
Dear Draco,
Do you ever get sick and tired of idiotic fangirls? Ever thought to make an army of them and take over the world? Frantic fangirls are of use.
If you don't think so, ask Tom Riddle.
Love,
Cris
Dear Cris,
Yes, I do get tired of psychotic fan girls. So, why are you fan-mailing me?
-Draco
Letter Twenty Six:
Dear Draco,
I admire your attitude, and some of those fan-mailing people were really really STUPID. Well, I like your responses. Good on you for going out with Hermione, I think it is very nice, you changed. Do you find it difficult? Being with her while you are in rival houses..? Well, I am glad you despise people writing slash, as I find it... freaky. There are NO mistakes in this letter, because I am not 'stupid' as you say. Say Hi to Hermione for me. You are very pretty, though I realise you are Hermione's and vice-versa. So relax. Well,
Cheerio.
Sincerely.
Tia.
P.S. Please reply, as I would be amused to see your response.
Dear Tia,
I was considering searching you out to hex you into oblivion for thinking that I was 'pretty', however such an appraising and well written letter distracted me otherwise…momentarily.
I haven't changed. I still love to tease losers unmercifully. If anything, I've gotten worse.
No, there are no problems as far as my own house because they all know not to tamper with my relationship. Slytherins treasure their lives dearly.
-Draco
P.S. Yes, slash baffles me.
Letter Twenty Seven:
Dear Draco, where do you get off criticising your fan mail when you have terrible spelling yourself? To the point that you don't put spaces between words?
This is from top to bottom: readingGod awful(reading Godawful); there all whores (they're all whores); Afterthe (After the); lackthereof (lack thereof); intelligents (intelligence); asthis (as this); MAKE'S (makes).
And that's just the beginning.
-Stephanie
P.S. Perhaps you could ask Hermione to edit your letters for you?
Dear Stephanie,
How about we look over your mistakes, yes?
At first glance your entire letter appears to be WRONG! This isn't in proper form. "Dear Draco, where do you…"
Can we say new paragraph?
"To the point that you don't put spaces between words?" (This is a fragmented sentence and it needs major revising ASAP!)
You write exactly how you speak, second-rated and overstated! Catch the rhyme? I'll bet that you reread this letter over and over again before sending it in, yet you still have misspelled words and fragments. What a sorry charlatan.
Criticising, (criticizing) Do you see that? Learn it!
Your correction for (Godawful) is still indeed wrong. (God-awful) has a dash in between it, which by the way was removed for some strange reason, via my reply.
Until you can write faultless mail, you are not permitted to criticize anyone's writing. Especially mine's, you over zealous, pretentious buff!
-Draco
P.S. Perhaps you should ask your boyfriend to proof-read your letters, if there is one.
Letter Twenty Eight:
Dear Draco,
I'm glad you hate Pansy, I do too. Just thought I would let you know that I loathe her with every fiber of my being. best wishes to you and Hermione.
Sincerely,
Hedw1g
Dear Hedw1g,
Hermione and I are doing just fine. Besides, she is dating me.
I'm glad that you 'loathe' Parkinson. Anyone who despises her is okay by my standards.
Why don't you send "Dreamer" your letter as well? He adores her, and somebody needs to get through to the buffoon. The man's crazed!
-Draco
P.S. You need to capitalize 'best'.
Letter Twenty Nine:
D-MAN,
WAZZ POPPIN MA HOMIE? U MEMBER ME? FROM DA HOOD? WELL IM BAQ N NOW CHALLENGE U 2 A...
RAP BATTLE!
Best regards,
Jacob "M-Dawgg" Smith
Dear "M-Dawgg" Smith,
I pray to god that your mother didn't name you that.
I am not you're "homie".
I'll do my best to not remember you!
I challenge you to commit suicide.
Hatefully,
Draco. Not D-Man!
Letter Thirty:
Draco,
You're really hot and Hermione is really lucky to have you. Oh, and by the way, you should be a rapper. You could be like eminem- the white rapper who has a lot of anger (no offense to eminem or to you), lmao.
Totally in Like with You,
Sing for the moment
Dear Sing for the moment,
Who the hell is Eminem?
-Draco
Letter Thirty One:
Dear Draco,
Just one question, now that you are seeing Hermione are you going to lay off trying to kill Harry Potter, or is this going to be one of those "what Hermione doesn't know won't hurt her" type of things?
Signed,
Just Curious
Dear Curious,
What Hermione doesn't know won't hurt her. wink
-Draco
Letter Thirty Two:
Dear Draco,
You and Hermione are made for each other. I hope your relationship is long lasting. Send Hermione my regards.
Anna
Dear Anna,
What is this, suck up to Draco and Hermione day? Ask me some questions Dammit!
-Draco
Letter Thirty Three
Malfoy,
Geroff Hermione.
H. Potter and R. Weasley.
P.S.
If we hear her complain about you, you're screwed.
...go to hell.
Dear Potter and Weasley,
I have nothing to say because I am currently laughing my arse off at your poor attempts at intimidating threats.
-Draco
P.S. I'll be sure to see you there as well.
Letter Thirty Four
Dear Draco Darling,
I still don't understand why you won't try to experiment with me... I mean I am the sexiest Italian you'll ever meet. I even get all the chicks...hell I had Potter. So I want you...can I have you. And if Granger objects tell her she can join us waggles eyebrows suggestively.
Sincerely,
Blaise Zabini
Dear Zabini,
You have a penis. I don't like those.
You are a male prostitute.
No.
No.
I will shave you're eyebrow's off menacingly.
-Draco
Letter Thirty Five
Dear Draco,
If you could turn anyone into a teddy bear for one night, who would it be and what would you do to the teddy bear?
Always,
Maggi
Dear Maggi,
If I could turn anyone into a reeking skunk for one night, it would most certainly be you. And afterwards, I would stomp on you with my expensive shoes.
-Draco
Letter Thirty Six
Dear Draco,
First of all, thank you for replying. Have you ever considered yourself a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde case, or in the wizarding world, Voldemort's and Dumbledore's case? Last question, how did you fall in love with Hermione?
-CotC
P.S. There, I condensed it! Happy?
Dear CotC,
I know that I have certain anonymities about myself.
I consider myself…neutral. I listen to no one.
I fell in love doing a spell, gone wrong…while trying to rid her of her existence.
-Draco
P.S. No. Your name still sucks. It sounds like a militia abbreviation.
Letter Thirty Seven:
Dear Draco,
It is not befitting of a Malfoy to reply to the letters of the common class. Please cease and desist at once.
Sincerely,
Lucius Malfoy
Your Father
Dear L. Malfoy,
My father is locked away in Azkaban.
So, why are you mailing me?
-Draco
P.S. Don't ever pretend to be my father again!
End of Letters.
Draco appreciates all the attention and encourages fan's to send in there fan mail.
A/N: I've totally lost, haven't I?