Author: Caren H

Copyright: 11/13/05

Category: Humor/General

Pairing: DM/HG

Rated: T, may change

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.

A/N: I think that I'm going to finish this up soon. I didn't know that I would get so many responses and it's quite overwhelming. I'm not one of those authors who expect such attention, so when I get so much feedback, it…wow! I don't know if I can keep up, with my already crazy schedule.

Letter Thirty Eight:

Dear Draco,

I was wondering, what job will you take after your days at Hogwarts? Or are you planning to just sit there and let the others do the work? You may think it's stupid but its not.

Anyway, regards to Hermione and as a last question, do you have any nicknames for her? Hermione is such a long word. Do answer.

Your avid fan (sometimes!)

Mitzkah

Dear Mitzkah,

I plan to die. It's none of you're concern! My future is already planned. Contrary to what you think, I do not have others to do the work. Well…not all the time anyway.

I call her 'aube', French for dawn. She is my morning light.

-Draco

P.S. I have not gone soft. It is simply the truth and I'm man enough to say such things.

Letter Thirty Nine:

Dear Draco,

Well, Thank you for your reply, I was amazed at how quickly you responded. I was agreeing with you when I said you were pretty, in one of your replies, to some stupid person, you said of course you were pretty and looked good with your hair gelled back. I didn't mean to offend you. Alright?

Well, I have a question to ask you. When is your birthday? Mine is today, the 17th of November. May I ask, what is your favorite food and why? I was just thinking about it the other day.

You do have a few mistakes in your replies, (some of them.) But overall, you are a very good speller.

God luck cursing Ron to oblivion, as I think him a bit too violent. Harry is alright, but I prefer your laid back attitude better.

Good luck with the merciless teasing. And well done in putting some people in their place. (For example, the 'dude' who called you D-Man. You are NOT a rapper type, and just thought you might like to know, Eminem is a famous white rapper, who writes his own music.

From,

Tia

Dear Tia,

You're welcome.

In that case, I take back what I said. I'd forgotten that 'pretty' was in one of my letters.

You have good spelling as well.

My birthday is June, 5.

Smothered Chicken, depending on who cooks it; if you didn't know already, mother isn't able in the cooking area.

I am laid back. I love the pleasure of seeing drama unfold all around me knowing that I was the silent cause.

I have several more people to put back in their places.

I know what rap is. I just don't like it, and neither does Hermione. She's more of a…what did she call it? Right, she's more of a Pop/Rock fan, whatever that means.

-Draco

Letter Forty:

Dear Draco,

I realize that this letter is going to sound ridiculous but...how exactly did it feel when Hermione slapped you in Third year? I don't mean...'did it hurt?'...but were you angry or just plain shocked? Thought I'd ask out of curiosity.

PeanutButteroreoCookieGirl

P.S.It was pretty obvious you and Hermione would get together...give her my regards.

Dear PeanutButteroreoCookie Girl,

I'm going to have to ask you to please shorten the name. What? Were you that hungry?

I was shocked because no one had ever dared to do such a defiant act against me and from then on I wanted to see what else she would dare to do. That of course meant doing everything in my power to infuriate her further.

-Draco

P.S. Don't ever bring that up again.

Letter Forty One:

Dear Draco,

How dare you shave my beautiful eyebrows? I'm not a man whore...ok maybe I am but still. Since you won't come to me do you think I have a chance with Weasley?
Sincerely,

Blaise Zabini

Zabini,

How the hell should I know? You have gaydar! Use it!

-Draco

Letter Forty Two:

Dear Draco, (or Malfoy, as I prefer to call you)

Why do some authors insist on pairing the two of us up? That's disgusting! I would say that I completely despise you--although I won't because you are dating Hermione. Plus the fact that I'm dating Harry. Say hello to Hermione from me and both of you (but mostly her) the best of luck.
Sincerely,

Ginny Weasley

Weaslyette,

I think they've completely lost it, that's why. You're right, it is disgusting…revolting actually. I have extreme dislike for you—and I still do even if I am dating Hermione. Though, I can tolerate your presence.

Tell Potter to forever rot in hell, the best of luck.

-Draco

Letter Forty Three:

My dearest Draco Wacko-ish pancake,

Drop Granger, she's below us.

Your parents say we'll be perfect for each other! Please! I'll love you forever and ever if you marry me!

Hey, how about a hot snogging session under the moonlight tonight? Eh?

Wink.

Wink.

Your lovely princess,

Pansy-shnuffles.

Dear Parkinson,

If you ever refer to me as 'Wacko-ish pancake' again, I'll be sure to turn you into a real hideous pig.

Hell no! Who do you think you are? I don't love you, and I will never marry you!

Hermione is beneath NO ONE! When I said she'd changed my views, I meant it. I no longer linger on blood ranks. If I dislike someone, it isn't because of their blood. It's because I simply don't like them. And you're one of those people I hate justly.

-Draco

Letter Forty Four:

Draco,

Is there anyone who sends you mail who you do not insult? If you fell in love with Hermione doing a spell gone wrong then how on earth did she fall in love with you?

-Amanda

Amanda,

Yes, actually. And I'm trying my very best not to insult you.

She placed the Babbling Curse on me, causing me to spill all my surfacing thoughts out to her, and as you can presume she was currently in my thoughts. That day, she got a little glimpse of the real me. I told her how I found her better than she should have been, considering that she was a Mudblood, yada, yada, yada. I've always secretly found her intriguing okay!

But, you should have seen it. She was furious that say, kind of turned me on too.

-Draco

P.S. Nice try. Don't ever insult me, seeing as I didn't insult you.

Letter Forty Five:

Dear Draco,

How is my sweetie-tummies doing? Did you like the barbie I sent you earlier? I think the pink fluffy outfit matches with your robes. Mummy misses you, darling!

Love,
Mummy Narcissy

P.S. curse the heck out of those mudbloods and make Mummy proud.

Dear Imposter,

I've allowed my 'true' mother to read this, and she's bloody pissed. I'd suggest you go into hiding and soon.

-Draco

Letter Forty Six:

Dear Draco,

I hate you and I know this is fanmail, just shutup you think you know everything well you don't. The real Hermione would never like you or go out with you.Ya know go ahead and blabber all about how wrong i am (which is not true) and how pointless this fanmail is.Oh try to hex me like you can.I just want you to know go to hell your not wanted anywhere.

P.S I don't like Hermione or you! (especially you!)

Dear Anonymous mailer,

You have some serious problems. Assuming that you have mental issues beyond my repair, I am going to refrain from saying anything wounding.

Not to mention that Hermione wouldn't be pleased, despite your vice words concerning her.

Hermione, I'll admit is more mature then I am. She won't pay you're hateful words any mind.

-Draco

P.S. I have the best Psychologist money can buy on his way. You need all the help you can get. You're just lucky enough to have somebody who's nice enough to help you, considering you just yelled at my girlfriend.

Letter Forty Seven:

Dear Draco,

Are you evil incarnate?

No, but you're damnably close.

Are you handsome?

Slightly so. Orlando Bloom is hotter.

Are you evil to the point of hotness, even if you're slightly stupid and thick-headed sometimes?

Unfortunately so.

I'll say this: I DO admire you.

It's kind of hard to keep up with this admiration when your favorite person to torment is some twit with a scar on his forhead, though. So he has his name books. Is that any reason to waste your greatness on him?

That tall boy, too. Why bother with somebody of his status?

I admit, Malfoy, though I am below you, I am a lot smarter.

I can prove it, too.

Say "silk" five times.

Now, what do cows drink?

Don't turn your pointy little nose up at this question. Answer it. If anything, it will amuse you or Hermoine(assuming you get it, that is).

Ah, speaking of which, give my regards to her. (She isn't allowed to help you with the above question, either.)

Sincerely,

Juu

Dear Juu,

No.

I am close.

I am handsome. Not slightly, but simply handsome.

Orlando Bloom is a damn patsy with a hairstyle that resembles Frodo Baggins.

Are you insightful to the point of geniusness, even if you are slightly obsessed and creepy?

Regrettably so.

I'll say this: I do find you interesting.

It's really hard to keep up with all this curiosity when your favorite hobby is to analyze fictional characters to the point of clinical concern. So, my name is also in books. Is it any reason to waste that much energy on me? I appreciate the compliment, yet you are starting to freak me out.

I'll admit that you are ingenious, and possibly smarter than me. But, you're also borderline insane. I see you as this alienated and insolated person that no one understands. At any rate, you could completely lose it at in minute. You are also sociably retarded, another result from being a universal genius. This poor attempt at fan mail proves it.

I choose to pick on a self righteous, scar head character like Potter, with all his books and hero complexity because despite his obvious uncanny gifts, he doesn't have a clue. Hopefully with my help, he'll reach his full potential. Everyone has there hobbies, and teasing, God aggravating people, are mine, including hopeless Potter.

Repeat, crop, hop, pop, cop, and top two times.

What do you do at a green light?

-Draco

P.S. Cows drink water. And don't worry, I figured it out in a matter of seconds, without Hermione.

Letter Forty Eight:

Dear Draco,

Fine. You're neutral. Moving on, what's your most favorite potion to make? Bloody Mary or Martini?

Sincerely,
-Dies of Boredom

P.S. Case of the Crazies has been abandoned. How about this name?

Dies of Boredom,

Neither, I'm more of a Sex On The Beach drinker; it's mixed with all my favorite beverages: Vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry juice, and grape juice.

What are yours?

-Draco

P.S. Finally, a good name. It has a cynical edge to it.

Letter Forty Nine:

Dear Draco,

If you consider yourself smart, look up some music history! I mean saying "Who the hell is Eminem," is a bit sad, really. Ask Hermione who Eminem is, I'm sure that she'll know and even direct you to some of his music. And as you're always pissed and yelling at people, you might just like rap (his music especially).

Not in Like with you anymore because you don't know who Eminem is,

Dear Draco,

Don't you understand? I don't care about Eminem, or else I would have already looked him up, or asked my girlfriend. When someone is generally interested in something, that's when they decide to dig a little deeper. I however am not and I don't want to know about this rapper.

I am not pissed at anyone. If anything, I find certain people funny, if not entertaining and you are currently one of them. I just have a sardonic nature that cannot be subdued despite my efforts. Some of these people had it coming with their pointless, yet innocent questions.

This is your second letter regarding Eminem, why don't you bloody fan mail him? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. It's obvious that we do not share this particular interest.

-SingfortheMoment

-Draco

P.S. I don't like you either.

Letter Fifty:

Albino boy,

Where do you get off? You can't say things like that to me! First, I am smart. Probably smarter than you. Second, girls are lining around the block for me. You're lucky you

even got one.Third, you can't hold the Yule ball against me. It's been 3 years. Fourth, I DO NOT USE LUBRICANT! Ugh! That's disgusting! How does Hermione put up with you? Maybe she's finally cracked. The pressure of being perfect and all. These still aren't good reasons to have fan girls though. Got anything else?

Weasley

P.S. Your telling me I complain? Who always freaks out if their hair's just a little out of place? Definitely not me.

Rancid Carrot,

I don't get off. That's why you have lubricant. I can say whatever I want. You of all people should know that by now.

You are not smart, definitely not more than I.

The girls that line up for you are mostly first years.

My god! Don't tell me you're into eleven year olds? Gross!

I'm not going to comment on how many girls I've shagged because I won't even stoop to that, not to mention that Hermione's sitting next to me.

Ha! You looked like bloody Austin Powers that day. How old were those robes anyway, one hundred, two hundred year's old? Talk about hand-me-downs.

If it's so disgusting, then why do you continue to do it?

Are you a chronic masturbator?

Do you feel alone at night?

Haven't you heard of the Yin and Yang complex? While, Hermione and I are total opposites, we are still much more alike then either one of us would care to admit. We're bound to be together. You never noticed the sexual tension between us? Never mind. You're just as dim-witted as Goyle.

It doesn't matter what you think. Opposites do attract.

-Draco

P.S. I don't freak out. I complain, there's a difference you cockroach.

Letter Fifty One:

2 mi deer Drakie-Poo,

i luv u with all my h3art! i kno you say im a hore, but we both kno u don't meanit! y don't you meet me in the astronomy tower soon? And 4get all bout that mistress hore... Gr... i can't even say her name!

With luv from your REAL girlfriend,

PANSY

P.S. Kiss, kiss Drakie dear...

P.P.S. I

Pansy,

Within two letters your vocabulary has plummeted deeply.

What language are you speaking?

Read this:

You are a whore.

I really mean it.

Hell no.

You're not my girlfriend and I despise you.

-Draco

Letter Fifty Two:

Dear Prince of Slytheryn,

Your blond hair, is like the sight of gold and your face like an angel. Your body is like Hercules, and sadly your heart is like Hades.

Your sad admirir

Dear 'sad admirir',

My eyes are hurting. You spelled Slytherin WRONG.

I was with you up until you compared my heart to Hades.

I am not as cold as you think me to be. I am with Hermione, aren't I? Shall I go over all the matters of dating a muggle-born?

I love her.

Never tell me how my heart is! You don't know me at all.

-Draco

Letter Fifty Three:

Draco,

If Hermione was a guy, would you be gay?

-anonymous

Dear anonymous writer,

I don't know if I can answer that.

What about you? If your boyfriend was a girl, would you be a lesbian?

-Draco

Letter Fifty Four:

Everdearest Drakie,

I miss you so pooty-pur-wooty much! Do you still like cockroach cluster? I sent them in as an advanced Christmas present.

I heard you're dating a mudblood. If you want me to continue supplying you with cockroach cluster, please dump her now.

Remember that I love you so much, Drakiekins.

Your aunt who misses you so pooty-pur-wooty much,

Olivia Libowitz

Dear Olivia Libowitz,

I don't know who you are but, you're certainly not related to me!

You're a lunatic and I don't want you ever mailing me again.

-Draco

End of Letter

A/N: Like I said before, I think I'm going to finish this up soon. While this has been fun, I'm running out of ways to answer you're brilliant questions as If I were truly Draco. I think some of you are really taking this to heart because you're reviews/letters are really…spiteful. If not, then you're bloody brilliant with a twisted sense of humor that I can appreciate.