By: Liz D
A Future Fic based on the AU created in Old Friends and Old Friends, New Relationships
Chapter Three
Written: Fall 2005
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew, creators or characters. With love and thanks.
Wow … Thanks for the comments and what a HIT COUNT! … Hit me three times if you like what you read. HA HA THANKS!
Letting
The Days Go By
Chapter
Three
Friday Early AM – After Thanksgiving Day –
2007
Rabb Residence
Swink's Mill and
Georgetown Pike
McLean, Virginia
Just as he was hanging up with Mattie, Harm noticed lights from a car pulling up the drive. He went to the door and saw someone getting out of a taxi. He opened the door and Mac's exhausted smiling face was looking up at him.
"Anything left to eat?" She called brightly to him. "I'm starving."
Harm's heart skipped a beat. She was home … home on Thanksgiving (or as close to it as she could get) … now he had something to be really grateful for.
He pulled her into an embrace and felt her stiffen in his arms. Maybe she wasn't as 'home' as he thought she was. He was about to kiss her but she pulled away.
"You must be exhausted." He needed to say something that would soften the distance between them.
"I'm wiped out." She owned but wouldn't look him in the eye.
He grabbed her bag and let her precede him into the house.
"The 20 hour flight," she continued. "Or should I say FLIGHTS - was closer to 28 hours … you wouldn't believe the trouble I had getting here … between mechanical issues and the weather … it was just nuts … the house looks great." Her chatter was grating on her own ears. She was nervous. It had occurred to her somewhere over Colorado that coming back on Thanksgiving was a bad idea and when wheels touched down at Andrews she was convinced of it, but by then it was too late to turn back. "I could use a shower and some sleep." She made brief eye contact and smiled awkwardly. "But all I have been thinking about for the last six hours is LEFTOVERS." Her laugh was forced. "The MREs 'served' on the flight were not worth the plastic they were made out of."
He smiled weakly in return. "I can imagine." Something was not right but he was not sure how WRONG it really was. Maybe she was just overtired. "So, hit the showers and I'll fix you a plate." He nodded toward the stairs. "I can't believe that you are here." It was good – tentatively good – to have her home. Maybe her nervousness was because they hadn't seen each other in months. It would take them a little bit to get back in the swing of things. "Go on." He shooed her out of the room.
Harm went to the kitchen and pulled out Tupperware of all shapes and sizes from the fridge. He would put together all her favorites and serve it to her. It had been another part of their tradition to wake up in the wee hours of the Friday after Thanksgiving and have leftovers in bed and then make love until dawn. She had missed the first part of the 'tradition' but she had made it for the last part. Harm didn't actually think they would get to the 'until dawn' bit, but he assumed that he would hold her as she slept. That would be enough.
SHE WAS HOME!
But …why?
What did it mean?
Had she changed her mind about them?
What if she had, what would it mean for a future for them?
Would he be expected to follow her to the other side of the world?
Would she quit?
Would they try a life with 17 time zones between them?
Did that have a chance in hell of working?
What about everything else … all the stated issues?
What about the unstated issues?
How many of those were there?
They both owned that their communication was never better, but was it really?
Had he really talked to her or she him about anything that was vital in making a marriage work?
Isn't that what really had gone wrong?
Was she ready to change that, to really open up and discuss the issues that led to their divorce?
Was he?
Regardless … those questions would not be answered in the next hour.
He went up to ask how hungry she really was – turkey and all the trimmings or just a sandwich and some pie. She was not in their bedroom. She was not in the shower. He found her in Mattie's room. Mac was sound asleep in her fatigues with her USMC sweats clutched to her chest. Her duffel was open and sitting on the edge of the bed, clothes spilling out of it. Her toiletries were spread out in Mattie's bathroom. He tried to wake her but it was not meant to be. Then the questions in his mind took off in a different direction:
What was she doing in Mattie's room?
Why hadn't she gone up to their room?
Was her nervous chatter caused by something other than tiredness?
Had she changed her mind about coming when it was too late to turn back?
Had she not changed her mind about them?
Then why come back for Thanksgiving … Thanksgiving – a holiday that was more important to them – as a couple – than their New Year's Eve anniversary and Valentine's Day rolled into one?
Had she really decided to fly all the way back to Washington and NOT expect be with him?
Not to expect that he would want to be with her?
Why had she come – really?
These were all questions he should not answer alone, but Harm was never one to ask for help.
He covered her with a blanket. He would have undressed her and put her under the covers – hell he would have carried her to their bed – but clearly he was not at liberty to do that anymore. He watched her for a moment as she slept. It seemed as if her mind was still spinning but her physical exhaustion forced a shut down of all large muscle groups. She looked unsettled, anxious and tense even in sleep. He had seen that look on her face, but not for many years. She was defensive. Then he asked the final question:
What was going on in her head and what was he supposed to do about it?
He put away the food, poured himself a glass of wine and climbed the stairs to his room. The house had been full of such joy and happiness hours earlier. Harm was actually in a good mood. He was at home – he missed her – but it was home. Now there was an uneasy feeling. The warmth that had filled the house less than an hour before had been chilled.
The first thing he noticed in the bedroom was that the fire had gone out. The log he had just put on didn't catch. He tried not to read too much into it but the symbolism was hard to deny. He turned out the light and slipped under the covers. Sleep would elude him – that was obvious – and he tried to warn himself that over thinking was something he should not do. Harm rarely took his own advice.
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Mac woke hours later. The clock by Mattie's bed didn't register – AM? PM? Why so dark? That was not her clock. And finally … where was she? Slowly it came back to her. She was compelled to go back to Washington – to go home – in spite of the ridiculous travel requirements – requirements that military types face everyday – who would not jump through a hoop of fire or stay up for 30 hours just to get home particularly on a holiday?
In any event, she was home.
Where?
Home.
And home was Harm's house?
Hmmm … she hadn't thought of that house as 'hers' for many months … nearly a year.
Yet there she was … at home … only not.
Was it homesickness that drove her? Loneliness? Or the fact that Harm seemed to have made the day tolerable for him self without her and she wanted to get in on that? Or was it something else? Was it just an idea that she hadn't been able to shake – a mistake that she needed to correct? Regardless … she was home … for the moment, the how or why she had gotten there was not at issue and not up for discussion, but it would be.
Mac rolled over and hugged the blankets close. She had to ask herself, 'who are you fooling?' She shouldn't have come. She had made a mistake! It was selfish and wrong and Harm would have to pay for it.
Time would tell – when all was said and done – just how devastating and detrimental her actions would prove. She did not want to lose Harm in her life, but in all honesty what right did she have to keep him in? She had no intention of trying to get back together with him. That was not what had compelled her to come back. She had made the right decision about the divorce. It would allow him – and her – to move on with their lives. For Harm she hoped it would mean that he would find someone else to have children with – to give him a wife and a life that she could not. For herself? It would allow her to start fresh with someone with all the impediments clearly stated before it got to far. Of course talking nearly daily on the phone with him – knowing that he was still holding out hope for a reconciliation – was not really 'letting him go.' It was not helping either of them move on. Flying home for the holiday – a holiday that had meant so much to them as a couple - would surely send the wrong message.
Her only excuse – which was not in anyway a defense – was that she was homesick. She was alone and lonely and scared that she was losing everything that she had in life. She needed to know, she needed to be sure. She got her answer. Harm's unquestioning acceptance of her at his door was enough to answer her questions. Well ONE question. Where was home? The answer was simple. Harm was home – the only place that ever felt like home or what she imagined a home should feel like. There was a 'but' - a big HUGE 'but'. Harm was home but was it a home she deserved or even wanted any more? No. She didn't deserve it, she hadn't earned it and quite frankly she didn't want it. It hurt to look at him and to know all the things they could not have. It was time for her to find a new home.
There would be no more sleep for her. She got up to forage for food. In the fridge she found that Harm had left her a sandwich. She took it and a slice of pie into the living room and slumped down into the window seat wrapping the big afghan that they had purchased at a little shop in Virginia Beach on Christmas. The house was still. The wee hours were always her favorite part of the day, even if that meant she was dead tired at 1500. She felt safe and protected in that house at that hour – the worries of the world were not weighing on her shoulders – the past was behind her and the future was hours away. She let herself enjoy the moment. There were a lot of good memories in that house. That was the seat where Harm proposed to her. The window looked out onto the little flower garden that she had planted that first spring – it was covered with snow. She wondered if Harm would replant after the thaw; that had always been her responsibility.
"Are you warm enough?" His gentle voice cut through the darkness.
"Hi." She turned to try to see him. "Did I wake you?"
"I wasn't sleeping." He owned. He turned up the heat a little and sat down on the far corner of the couch.
"I can't believe I'm awake." She tried to chat casually. "I think my stomach woke me up."
"You find everything OK?"
"Yeah." She nodded with a mouthful of sandwich. "This is great … best meal I have had in months. Thanks."
Harm let the silence fill the room. Mac looked back outside.
Harm couldn't take it anymore. "Why are you here?" He asked directly.
Mac felt the defensive part of her take over. "I was invited." She said.
"Yes you were … and don't get me wrong … it is great to have you home." He paused. "Or is it just back?"
She looked back out the window not wanting to answer that.
"How long can you stay?" He asked when he was sure she wasn't going to respond to his previous question.
"I leave tomorrow – Saturday – at 0600."
Again an uncomfortable silence filled the room for a long moment.
Harm exhaled and asked again, "So why are you here?"
She looked back at him. She could see through that darkness that he was hurt and she didn't want to hurt him any more. "I don't know." That was as truthful as she could get.
"Mac?"
"It's not what you are thinking." She said evenly.
"And what am I thinking?" He tossed back at her.
"Harm … you are very important to me … but … " She lost her voice.
"But you still don't want to be married to me." He stated for her since she was unable to say it aloud.
"We weren't good together." She defended.
"I can't agree with that." He said quickly.
"You were happy?" She pressed her point.
"I wasn't unhappy … I thought we lost of little of what he had, but ..."
She snorted a laugh as if saying 'ya think?'
"Fine we lost A LOT of what we had … but I don't think it was ruined … I just think we stopped trying."
She looked away.
"And it's not what you think, Mac.'
"Oh?" She turned back to him. "What am I thinking?"
"You think our marriage failed because we couldn't get pregnant."
His bluntness was a rude awakening for her. He hadn't spoken that bluntly in the last year or more of their marriage, in fact he pretty much didn't confront her at all even during the divorce.
"Mac?"
"You mean I couldn't get pregnant."
"It takes two --."
"And a team of doctors and fertility treatments." The pain in her voice hurt her own ears. "Apparently not good enough."
"Ya, know what Mac." He leaned forward. "A baby was never the deal breaker for me."
"Would we ever have gotten together if it weren't for that -?"
"You mention that stupid deal we made and I am going to lose it."
"You said it yourself, Harm."
"What?" He could feel the fight back in him. "What did I say?"
"You said that our relationship started our of necessity rather than love."
"When the hell did I say that?" He didn't remember.
"In the doctor's office … when we got the results of the laparoscopy."
"I don't remember saying that." He said. "I don't remember thinking that." He lied. "You remember it that way because it fits your agenda."
"My agenda? MY agenda." Now she was annoyed. "Harm, who was the one who wanted to get pregnant right away? Huh? Who was the one who had to be convinced to wait?" She turned away. "In hind sight, you were probably right."
"What does that mean?" He pushed.
"It means." She fired back at him. "If we had waited to get married until I got pregnant than we never would have and there never would have been a need for a divorce or a house or --." She lost her train of thought. She wanted to point out that she never would have gotten her hopes up and then she never would have been disappointed.
He stood up. "You know what I don't get … I don't get why a marriage … a relationship is not enough for you? Why do you have to hinge everything on a baby … a biological baby?"
"Excuse me?"
"The first time you showed any kind of anything to me was the day AJ was born … you have always equated happiness in life with a baby."
"Is that so wrong?"
"No … but from where you came from it just doesn't make sense to me."
"From where I came from?"
"Your parents had a kid … were they happy?"
"That's unfair."
"Life is unfair Mac … and you know what? … We can't have kids – and that is unfair too." He stated.
"I can't." She corrected. "I can't have kids … nothing says that you can't."
"And nothing says we couldn't have adopted." He pointed out. He was sick of the fight – it was ridiculous – even though they never actually had it before. "You're crazy if you think that all I wanted from our marriage was a couple of kids with Rabb DNA … it was NEVER what a I wanted."
"Who do you think you're kidding, Harm?" She put her hand up. "I know you better than that."
"Is that really what you think?" He smirked. "You divorced me so I could what … find a proper breeder?"
"Stop it."
"Not on a bet." He smirked. "I will never get married again … been there, done that, got the t-shirt and no need to put myself through that again."
"Go to hell, Harm."
He studied her. "Tell me … is that why?"
"Why what?"
"Is that really why you divorced me … some grand gesture of sacrifice for my happiness?" He shook his head. "You never even asked me if I cared one way or the other. If you had I would have told you."
"It was what we both wanted."
"The divorce?"
"A baby."
"I won't own that." He stated clearly. "Have to put that shit in your column not mine."
He was being a jerk and she was going to let him have it. "Do you really want to know why I divorced you … it won't come as a surprise."
"Go on."
"I divorced you because I didn't recognize you anymore." She laughed. "Funny … This is the you I remember … the you before we got married … hell this is the you that made that damn baby deal."
"What does that mean?"
"Harm you always were an arrogant jerk … selfish, self-center and condescending. But almost from the moment we said 'I do' … I had no idea who you were any more." She leaned back. "You didn't have an opinion, you didn't have and agenda, you were completely flat."
"That's what you wanted."
"No … no, it's not … I never wanted that … I wanted compromise, discussion and input and what I got was:" Her voice got soft and sticky. "'I am there for you Mac.' 'I will support your every decision, Sarah.'" She shook her head in disgust. "Please."
"What the hell did you want from me?" He defended.
"I wanted the man I married … the man I knew for nearly a decade … the man who would go to the ends of the earth for something he wanted … regardless of the consequences … not some damn cardboard cut out." She ran her hands through her hair. "You used to be the kind of man who would buck ever system and jump every hurdle for something you wanted … for anything you wanted … except me … never for me."
"I jumped and bucked plenty for you Mac."
"Not when it mattered … when it finally mattered … you were not there." She looked down. "That was probably my fault too."
That comment struck him. He was so sick and tired of her 'taking all the blame' and wearing it like a badge of disgrace as if in the end he really had no impact on their marriage at all. "Ok … let me get this straight … you thought I was a jerk before we got married and after you thought I was flat … am I right?"
"A little simplistic."
"So again I ask … what the hell brought you across 17 times zones to be with me on Thanksgiving … and don't say you came for the food."
The fight went completely out of her as if a balloon had popped. She was near tears party because of the discussion and partly due to how physically exhausted she was. "Because … because … because when it was good between us it was great … and I really miss that."
Harm backed off too. He sat back down on the couch. "It was great." He readily admitted.
They sat in silence for a moment. The sun was cresting the trees.
"Mac … we can have it back … we didn't ruin anything." He really tried to believe that.
"Harm."
"Mac … please."
"No, Harm." She was not sure why it was 'no' but she knew that it was.
He nodded and spoke gently. "The one thing I will never understand is why you give up so easily."
"Believe me when I say it wasn't easy."
"It sure looks that way from where I am sitting."
"You didn't do anything to stop it." She reminded him.
"I am now."
She shook her head. "We had our chance and we let it slip through our fingers."
"And you blame yourself for that … for us not being able to have a baby."
She shrugged to show that she did believe that.
"A lot more happened in those two and a half years than that Mac." He said gently. "And you should not take all the blame on yourself … there were two people in that marriage and both of us let it slip away from us and for my part I am sorry … so damn sorry."
She shook her head. It was nice that he thought that and honestly if he had let her take all the blame she would have shoved some of it back on him.
"There is just one difference between us, Mac." He continued. "It has always been this way … actually two … you want to cut your losses and run away and I want to stick with it and ride it out."
"Harm." She whined.
"And the other thing is that you never truly believed that you deserved happiness in life … and you do Mac … you deserve it more an anyone I know."
"Harm." She shook her head; the tears were welling up again.
"I wish I had been the one to give that to you." He truly felt how much he had let her down. It pained him. "It's all right, Mac." He said sadly. It wasn't. It was the furthest thing from 'all right' but he would not debate her on the differences in their core characters. It was a futile fight. "I get it now. I understand. I don't have to like it but I will have to accept it."
"Harm please."
"Look." He stood up. "I am going go to the gym and do some other stuff and you need some more sleep." He stepped toward the door. "I'll see you late this afternoon … we can have a proper dinner and catch up before you have to head back." He smiled weakly at her. "Mi casa, es su casa." With that he was gone.
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Mac woke to the sound of the answering machine and Gate's voice:
"Your Rang ... Harm ... HEY RABB ... PICK UP ... You called me son ... Ok Fine ... I'll call your cell ... where the hell are you? ... You should be home with your feet up eating cold mashed potatoes out of Tupperware in your underwear watching the Law and Order marathon ... how's that for a visual ... Ok ... if I miss you … hit me back on the cell … Ciao."
Mac rolled back over and covered her face with the pillow to block out the sunlight. Her last thought before drifting back to sleep was 'when did Gates get so chummy with Harm?'
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Friday After Thanksgiving Day – 2007 Route 66 Headed Toward Bryce MountainHarm's cell rang. He checked the caller ID to see if it was coming from his house.
"Gates." He forced himself to sound up.
"Rabb …what's up?" She could tell he was a little off. "Where the hell are you … the connection sucks?"
"On my way to Bryce to pick up Mattie."
"Something wrong?"
"No … got a little surprise for you at the house."
"Your house?"
"Yeah … you up for leftovers tonight?" He asked. He was planning a little party and Mac as the guest of honor. It was not really FOR Mac it was FOR himself. With other people in the house they wouldn't be obliged to take again – to beat the proverbial dead horse.
"AJ is out of town … but I'm free."
"Good. Say around 6."
"So what's the surprise?"
"A mystery guest."
"Mac is back?" She shouted. "That bitch … and she didn't call me."
"She got in after midnight and when I left this morning she was sound a sleep." He lied.
"Not for long … time to drag that girl's butt out of bed."
Harm smiled. It was not that he didn't want Mac to get her rest but it was the only thing he could think of that would salvage the rest of her time home.
"She back for good?" Gates asked.
"Leaves tomorrow – 0600."
"Then she definitely is not sleeping." Gates announced and then her voice changed … softened in the Madden fashion. "You OK?"
"Great." He was so NOT great it was thinly veiled in his voice.
"Yeah right … She OK?"
"Mac is Mac … she will always be OK."
"Yeah … that." She paused. "And you two?"
"Nothing has changed … she came for dinner."
Gates was now a little annoyed at her friend. "You OK with that?"
"Gates you are cutting out." He again lied.
"Fine …" She would tag him on that subject later. "What else you need for dinner … dessert … I am good at bringing dessert … catch you later." She hung up without letting Harm answer.
Step two was now in the works and he was already doing step one: bringing Mattie home. It would mean he would have to drive her back to the mountain the next day, but it was worth it and it was the right thing to do.
Harm thought back on their last Thanksgiving.
f-l-a-s-h-b-a-c-k
Thanksgiving - 2006
Things were very strained between them heading in to the holiday. Mac had buried herself at work and he hated his. It was like running into walls all day long. Why did he stay? He was married, his wife worked in Washington and he wanted to stay with her. Not to mention that the group was getting some major lip service. They were being told and being touted in the press as being the eyes and ears to the Homeland security division. It was helping his reputation even if none of it was true. Webb had lasted less than a month and three other members were rotated out. Harm stayed. He tried to rock the boat, but when he came up against a little resistance and it was suggested that he could be reassigned – OUT of Washington, he sat down and took it like the good dog he was.
November was about six months after Mac had called a halt to all the fertility treatments and Harm was thinking that it was about time that they start seriously discussing other options. Adoption was his first choice but there was also surrogacy and he was sure there were others. He would find the right time over the four days to start the discussion. That was his plan.
The plans were altered when he arrived home on Wednesday night. Mac was in full Martha Stewart mode. She and Mattie had taken the day off and spent it cooking and preparing for the holiday. Harm had thought they were going to the Roberts. He was home less than an hour when Mattie announce that she was headed over to a friend's to work on a project but promised to be home early enough to put the turkey in the oven the next day.
"Mattie is spending the night with a friend?" He whispered in Mac's ear.
A sly smile crept across her face. "Oh yeah." She leaned up and kissed him on the jaw. "We have the entire house to ourselves."
"We do, huh?"
"Too bad only one room is gonna get used." She took him by the hand and led him upstairs. She didn't even let him get the fire started before she pushed him down on the bed. "I love Thanksgiving … and you know what?" She was unbuttoning his shirt.
"What?" He was relaxing into an old familiarity they hadn't shared in a long time. It was invigorating and empowering. He felt strong for the first time in a long time.
"I love you … I think this is perfect … just you and me and no one else … Mattie will be going off to college and it will be just the two of us … that is all we have ever needed."
Harm didn't get what she meant right away. He had something more pressing on his mind. But she repeated her sentiment in every possible way and some that shouldn't be repeated in polite company all night long. They reconnect as a couple that night - at least physically. He was encouraged. Mac seemed to finally be taking back the control she thought she had lost. If she could, then he could. By morning it had dawned on him what she was really saying. She was saying that she had given up on the idea of children all together. He didn't quite believe her but waited to bring it up until their Friday morning ritual.
"So, Sarah … you are really good with just us?"
"I am." She tried to own. "I think we should do more traveling …you know for pleasure and to some exotic locals."
"Downtown Baghdad is not exotic enough for you?"
"No." She laughed. "We both have a lot of days on the books. I think we should use them. And we need to get this house finished."
That was one sticking point between them. Harm a lost his humph for work and for the house and that affected the marriage. "Yes … I do."
"I'll help … I think it should be a project that we finish together." She kissed him. "I like getting dirty with you."
The leftovers were forgotten and the discussion put on hold again. Harm forced himself to believe that she meant what she said. He was not sure if he agreed, but she seemed happy for the first time in a very long time and they were again enjoying each others company in some very old fashioned ways. He was encouraged.
"I love you Sarah … and as long as I have you … I have everything I could ever want." That he was sure of. That was something he would stand behind until the day he died. He didn't need kids or a house or a career – he needed her. He believed that in the very core of his being. Too bad it wasn't true.
e-n-d--f-l-a-s-h-b-a-c-k
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Friday After Thanksgiving Day – 2007 - NoonishRabb Residence
Swink's Mill and Georgetown Pike
McLean, Virginia
Mac sat up in bed with a start. Someone was in the house.
"MACKAY!" Gates' voice echoed.
Mac lay back down. She was too tired to deal with Gates.
"Mac … Yo LADY JANE!" Gates ran upstairs.
Mac knew she had to get up. Four hours is better than NO hours when it comes to sleep. She stumbled out of the bedroom and nearly ran into Gates as she was coming down the stairs.
"Mac … girlfriend." Gates wrapped her up in her arms and hugged her roughly. "Damn girl … you look like shit."
"Sleeping." Mac said grumpily.
"Awake now." She smiled. "Or you soon will be … go brush your teeth, throw some water on your face and do something with that rat's nest and I'll make some coffee."
Mac nodded and turned to trudge back in to Mattie's room.
"Wait … stop right there … Mattie's room?" Gates questioned.
"Don't Gates." She warned and leaned against the doorframe.
"You came all the way back here on Thanksgiving … your damn Valentine's Day … to be with your EX-husband and you are even sleeping with him?"
"Gates … we are divorced."
"Damn girl … there is something seriously wrong with you."
"Can this wait until I can see out of both eyes." Mac stated.
"You best have some answers that make sense." Gates went to the kitchen.
'Thanks a lot Harm.' Mac said under her breath. Gates was her best friend, but she had always been an advocate for the marriage though Mac never really understood why. Gates and Harm could barely stand each other. Though it brought up the question that she had hours ago. When did Harm and Gates get so friendly?
End Chapter Three – Maybe this time Gates can knock some sense in to Mac and Harm. - TBC