By: Liz D
A Future Fic based on the AU created in Old Friends and Old Friends, New Relationships
Chapter Four
Written: Fall 2005
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew, creators or characters. With love and thanks.
Fair Warning … this is an ALL GATES, ALL THE TIME kind of chapter … if you don't like her … well what can I say … keep it to yourself, she has USE in this story – and you may want to wait until the next one is posted.
Letting
The Days Go By
Chapter
Four
0623 EST - Saturday
Andrews Air Force
Base
Mac strapped herself in, his parting words whispered just loud enough for her to hear echoed in her ears: "Be happy." Those two words were coupled with a stiff, short-lived embrace – as expected – but his voice was a tone she hadn't heard before – at least not that she could remember. It was sincere and even with no hidden agenda.
Her response was to say "you too" before his comment had even registered. That was not what she was expecting him to say. She was expecting him to say 'take care' or some such rhetoric that people say to someone who is departing. If she had known he was going to be … poignant … she would have said something else – something poignant – back to him. Even after it was all over she couldn't think of what … what response could she have had to his 'BE HAPPY'? But it should have been more profound than 'you too'.
He meant it. It was a request, not an order. She took a final look back at him standing with Mattie before she climbed aboard. He looked different. He wasn't sad or annoyed. He looked resolved. Had he finally let her go?
She shook it off and leaned back in her seat. Gates' parting words came back to her. 'You're an idiot … and if you don't get your shit together --- FAST --- you will lose the everything that you that you worked so hard for.'
"Oh Gates." She mumbled softly but the two airmen and the PFC seated near her heard.
The whole experience with Gates was infuriating. Gates could get an idea stuck in her craw and no one and nothing was going to get it unstuck.
CUT BACK to Friday Mid-Morning"You best have some answers that make sense." Gates had warned before Mac had a chance to meet the day.
Mac had less than five minutes before Gates would be down her throat again. She decided to meet her with the best offense she could muster.
"So when did you and Harm get so chummy." Mac demanded when she entered the kitchen.
Gates shrugged. "I guess it was after we started sleeping together … you know he is more talented with those hips than I thought he would be … tall men are typically uncoordinated … not him … the man know how to use his height to his best advantage - well MY best advantage … and I typically don't like tall men." She put coffee down in front of her. "But I guess I don't have to tell you … well REMIND you of that."
Mac's had no idea what to say. She didn't believe it but it was still startling to hear it.
"Please … Mac … don't bother me with stupid questions." She wrote the whole previous piece of dialogue off. "Riddle me this Batwoman … why the hell would anyone fly 20+ hours to sleep in the guest room."
"It's not that simple." Mac defended.
"Actually it is that simple … you're the one making it complicated."
"Fine." Mac was exasperated. "What do you want me to say?"
"That you screwed up."
"OK … OK fine … I screwed up."
"Score one for my side." Gates laughed. "Would like to say that that was your first mistake, but I think we are into double digits now … and I am only counting the stuff I can remember."
"Gates." Mac warned. "It's not going to change anything."
"That is another WRONG assumption."
"Stop." Mac stated clearly. "Fine … you're right … I never should have come back."
"Wrong again, girlfriend." Gates sat down next to her. "You never should have left."
"Oh God … not this again." Mac started to get up but Gates put her hand on her arm.
"Look baby, I'm on your side."
"Doesn't feel that way." Mac moved to the living room.
Gates followed. "So … tell me one thing … do you love him?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"It has a lot to do with a lot of things … why you married him … why you divorced him … why you came back and slept in the guest room." Gates paused. "So … do you love him?"
"I am not playing this game with you Gates … I have less than 24 hours … can't we talk about something else?"
"Sure … fine … How's work? What's the weather like? Do you like your house? Meet anyone? Dating anyone? Sleeping with anyone?"
Mac shook her head and pulled the afghan around her shoulders. "Work is fine. Weather is good. House is … military issue." She turned to look outside.
"That's it?"
"That's all I am saying." She looked like she was about to cry.
Gates exhaled a deep breath and sat down on the window seat with her. "OK … I'll stop."
"I'd appreciate that."
"I just want you to be happy … I want you to let yourself be happy … I love you."
Mac turned to face her. "I know you do … so you have to understand … I wasn't happy with him. I had to move on."
Gates smiled sadly. "You may not have been happy with him … but you're miserable now." She reached out and took Mac's hand. "And at the risk of going all touchy-feely … you won't find happiness externally … it has to come from you."
"That's what I am trying to do, Gates." She sat up. "I am trying to make a life for myself."
Gates shook her head. "I know you think that … but baby all you really succeeded in doing is running away."
"Not true."
"Have you discovered yet that all the shit you ran away from is still with you?" She looked sincere. "You may not have unpacked it yet, but it's still there."
Mac let a few tears fall. "Not everything."
"Oh baby." Gates pulled her into an embrace. "What?"
"I don't see the disappointment in his eyes every time he looks at me."
"I think you are projecting that, honey." She held her tighter. "Rabb has plenty to be disappointed about that has nothing to do with you."
Mac pulled away. "How do you know him so well?"
"We've talked." Gates said simply?
"You and Harm."
"Yeah."
"You didn't tell me."
"None of your business."
"You're talking to my husband and it's none of my business."
"I talk to you and it is none of his." She smiled. "And we are not TALKING …we HAVE TALKED … and may TALK again."
"So how often?" Mac was completely taken aback by the fact that Gates and Harm had developed a friendship.
"Occasionally … I don't know … we travel in the same circles … I see him around … We have someone in common … someone we both love."
"It's more than that." Mac pressed.
"A couple of times I gave him some good advice." She admitted. "Which he didn't take." She added under her breath.
"About me?"
"No, about paper or plastic." She laughed. "Of course it was about you."
"What did you tell him?"
"The same thing I tell you … you're an idiot."
Mac laughed. "That is hardly helpful."
"Yeah I know." She groaned. "Guess I need to be more specific."
"So have you been talking while I have been gone?" She was digging for more information.
Gates thought about it. "Actually … no."
"No?"
"No … since you left we have run into each other a couple of times at functions … dinner with AJ … I don't know … around." She got that mock 'covert' look in her eye. "But we haven't spoken 'privately' in a very long time."
"So all this happened when I was living with you." She thought again. "Before I left?"
Gates shrugged.
"And I never knew?"
At that Gates laughed. "Do you honestly think because you live with someone you know all that is going on with her … or him?"
Mac sat back. "Point taken."
They were quiet for a moment. Then Gates gently started back in. "Do you really think that Harm looks at you with disappointment?"
She nodded slightly.
"Could it be something you …"
"Projected?" Mac offered.
"It happens."
Mac leaned her head back against the window. "Yeah … I was disappointed … I was devastated … I never really believed that it wouldn't happen … I just ignored the facts … the percentages … pretended like they didn't apply to me."
"You referring to having a baby?"
"Or lack thereof." Mac corrected. "Yeah." Even Mac felt like she was beating a dead horse, but she just couldn't let it go.
"Honey … if kids is all you want … then go get some …I know I guy in South DC who can get them for you wholesale." She smiled.
"It's not funny Gates."
"No it isn't." She agreed. "You wrecked a life that took years to build over something that you couldn't control." She shook her head. "I take that back … you could control it … you could have made different choices."
Mac shook her head.
"What are you going to find anywhere else that you didn't have here?" She asked.
"A fresh start."
"Baby … you know you can't do that … you can't reinvent yourself … you're history is yours … it has made you who you are."
"And I don't like that very much."
"That?" Gates needed clarification.
"Her … me … who I was … who I am … I needed a fresh start."
"Is that why you came back here on the first holiday that came along?" She asked pointedly. "You came back to help your FRESH START? Is that why you talk to him three times a week – or more - …"
"How do you know that?" Mac defended.
"You told me." She pushed it back on Mac. "Did you come back here looking for --."
"Closure?" Mac quickly interjected.
"I don't see you closing any doors, doll. Not even sleeping in the guest room will do that."
Mac relented. It was useless to fight with Gates. "I was lonely … OK? I was homesick. I wasn't thinking straight."
"Yeah … well … we have established that it was a mistake … but I am still not clear on which part."
"Gates … please."
"Honey, were you looking for a safe way to get back?" She cocked her head. "Put the ball in his court and make him make the decision for you."
"No."
"If he had swept you up in his arms – against your protestations – and took you upstairs and told you that you weren't leaving and showed you why … is that what you wanted? Do you want him to pull a Rhett Butler on you?"
"No … No." Mac hated that idea. "I don't want that at all."
Gates laughed. "Damn … I do … not with Rabb of course …but I could do Clark Gable."
"He's dead."
"Too bad." She got serious again. "Do you need him to fight for you?"
"Harm doesn't do that … he never has … he never will … that is not who he is with me."
"Maybe because you fight so hard back." Gates offered.
"What?"
"Honey … in the man-woman chase game … if the chasee wants to get caught … she needs to let the chaser get close enough to catch her."
Mac didn't like that idea either. "I am not playing a game here Gates … I am not play hard to get."
Gates leaned back and scanned her up and down. "Can I float a theory out there that I have been working on?"
"A theory … about me?"
"Naturally." Gates didn't wait for Mac's permission. "I don't think you left Rabb at all … I think you were trying to leave yourself … I think you were so disappointed with yourself that you had to cut yourself off from everyone and everything that had value in your life including your job, your home, your husband (who I will grant you turned a little Walter Mitty but I have seen worse – hell I have been married to worse), your friends, your family … I mean you left little AJ Roberts. When was the last time you spoke to him?"
Mac eyes filled with tears. "Thank you Dr. Madden … be sure to send me a bill for this very in-depth and therapeutic analysis."
"Furthering my theory is that you got away for a while, found you were good at your job, that people liked you, and you had worth and value once again … so you came back … hoping that your old life was waiting for you … but when you got here you found that you had wrecked it before you left and were too embarrassed to ask for help to put it back together."
"Gates … stop." Mac protested. "Okinawa was a career move for me."
"What happened honey?" She asked sincerely. "Why did you divorce him so fast? What made you want to get away as far and as fast as you could?"
Mac was too tired to deny it any more. "I wanted … I needed … I thought …" She looked at her though tear stained eyes. "Damn you."
"You can damn me all you want, honey. I will always love you."
Mac let it out. "I thought that I would finally be connected to another living soul in the most profound way two people can be connected." She said awkwardly.
"You thought marriage would to that?" Gates was confused.
"I thought a baby would do that … I wanted to have a baby … to feel it grow inside of me … to bring it to life, to nurse it, care for it, to love it that way only a mother loves a child." She broke down in tears.
Gates wrapped her arms around her and let her cry. She knew about the bond between mother and child … but in her case it was not as profound as Mac had romanticized it to be. Gates wondered about all the other mothers in the world. Gates and her mother never really bonded, and God knows Mac and her mother were not 'connected souls'. But there had to be something that all the books and TV were talking about – unless it was all hype to facilitate the procreation of the species. It might have been different for Mac. Maybe Mac was born to be a mother. Mac had always wanted a baby and Gates didn't understand that at 18 but some 20 years later it was making a lot of sense. She was trying to create the home and family she didn't have as a child. It made more sense why Mac would 'go with any many who asked' over the years, she was hoping that it would lead to a pregnancy and a baby and that elusive connection she had fantasized about.
Now Gates understood why Mac would need to get away. Mac had finally gotten close to having what she had always wanted. Harm was the facilitator of that. But when they failed, when it became clear that she was not going to be able to create a life, Mac was forced to give up her dream, one that she had held on to since she was old enough to have those kinds of dreams. Her life with Harm was a constant reminded of what she could never have. Their 'romantic' relationship had technically not started until five years after making that baby deal, but the baby deal had locked them in. He was not her back up plan; he was to be her hero, the white knight that would swoop in and save the day. But the hero was not able to slay the dragon or save the damsel in distress. Through no conscious fault of his own, Harm had let her down. Hell, he probably didn't even know or understand the gravity of his failure. Mac probably didn't even admit this need to give birth to her own child to herself until it was too late. Adopting and surrogacy were just not options. The fact that he never pushed that agenda probably meant to Mac that he was just as disappointed as she was.
Yes it all made a little bit more sense now. However, life's a bitch, you don't always get what you want, and sometimes when you do – it isn't all it is cracked up to be. So Mac was acting out, stamping her feet like a child. She was allowed. But she was not allowed to throw the baby out with the bathwater – oops, sorry, bad analogy. At any rate, she should not have been allowed (nor should she have allowed herself) to throw everything that was good away because she didn't get everything she wanted.
Mac pulled away from her quickly and wiped at her eyes. "Harm's back."
Gates hadn't heard the car pull up. "He'll have Mattie with him."
Mac stood immediately. "Mattie? … oh I can't do this." She looked worried.
"Go take a shower … collect yourself … you'll be fine."
Mac would eventually get past her disappointment but the real question was now – who would be there for her when she did? Was Rabb really the right man for her? She was right, he didn't fight for their relationship in fact he pretty much rolled over and let whatever was going to happen happen. 'Well' she thought to herself. "If they belong together and are 'meant to be' then they will find their way back to each other.' She laughed out loud. "Who are you kidding, girl." She said to herself. "These two couldn't find each other with a map, a compass and a GPS. Good thing I don't mind being a busy body."
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Sunday Early Evening – After Thanksgiving Day – 2007Rabb Residence
Swink's Mill and Georgetown Pike
McLean, Virginia
Harm was working on a brief. He had been working on it for two days and he was quite impressed with his own work. He was good at being a lawyer. He was a better lawyer than he was a pilot and whatever the hell he was doing with the interagency task force. He hadn't flown in two years – not SARAH and not for his quals. He let is designator slide. If they called him up, he would pick it back up just like riding a bicycle, but it just didn't hold any interest for him any more. A lot of what Harm thought was important for most of his life wasn't important any more.
Mac and he made polite conversation for the remainder of her time there. Other people helped to make it an easy. She had offered to help do the dishes, but wound up doing them with Mattie. He had excused himself early complaining about being tired (and he was) and went up to bed leaving Mattie, Mac and Gates to chat. He had slept well and never expected her to approach him – which she didn't. The next morning he was clear that it was over and that he had to decide to let the whole mess go. He loved her, he always would – but she needed something different from what he had to offer. He would have to live with that.
Mac had called after she had landed; she thanked him for his hospitality and returned his wish for happiness for both of them. He was there but didn't pick up. He would get past it – get past her – he was resolved.
His cell phone pulled him away from his work. "Gates?"
"Rabb … why don't we go out for the biggest steak dinner in town."
"Cause I don't eat steak." Her approach always made him smile. She was relentless and could be a major pain in the ass, but he appreciated her directness.
"Then I suggest you order fish … or a salad … come on … I will be ready in 30 minutes … don't be late."
Harm had picked her up in 45 and they had ordered their first glass of wine at Sam and Harry's 30 minutes later.
Harm cut her off at the pass. "Before you say anything … before you start meddling … hear what I have to say."
She leaned back. "Go on."
"I am OK … Mac is OK … the world will keep on spinning and everything will be fine … We tried it … it didn't work … there is enough blame to go around … in the end … I am glad that she feels that I am still her friend … that she can show up on my doorstep and know that I will take her in … I know she knows that if she ever needs me, I will be there … we love each other, it wasn't enough and we let each other go … so nothing you say or do is going to change that."
She didn't say anything.
"Ok?"
She took a thoughtful sip from her glass and then asked, "You through?"
There was more to say but he would wait and see what Gates had to say. "Yeah."
"You ever see Gone With The Wind, Rabb?"
"What?"
"Have you ever seen Gone With The Wind … Scarlett O'Hara? Rhett Butler? Tara? 'As God as my witness I'll never be hungry again'?" No response. "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies'? You know … Gone With The Wind."
He was amused. Gates could usually amuse him. Too bad he was usually amused AT her rather than WITH her. "Maybe … I don't know."
"Never mind." Gates hated that movie and that tactic wasn't going to work anyway. Harm was no Rhett and Mac was much smarter than Scarlett. "I just want to ask you why you didn't fight harder to keep Mac?"
"Excuse me?" Sometimes her bluntness still took him off guard.
"Let's face it Rabb … since the day you left JAG she pretty much called all the shots … hell in fact since the day you met … she called all the shots … you were ornery and pissy … but if she had said 'let's go,' you would have gone … in a heartbeat … why did you let her do that?"
"I am not sure what you are asking?"
"You're the hero Harm … the protagonist in your story … you went after your father, flying … hell you even went on to become a tenacious lawyer when you thought you couldn't fly anymore … you have gone after and gotten everything you have wanted in life … why not with women? Why not with Mac?"
He still was at a loss for words.
"Seriously … I want to know … I don't even have a theory … why is it that you won't fight for the woman you want? I am sure Freud would have something to say and would incite the Oedipus doctrine … mother lover/father hater … but I am no Freudian."
"I am not sure how to respond to that?'
"You were well over 40 before you were even close to getting married … was Mac just a logical choice … I understand she was the only woman you ever asked … and why is that? … I mean seriously … I don't get it … were all the women you picked so unattainable or were they just ones that would get you though the night … what made Mac so different? Why her? And why did you let her go once you had finally gone so far as to marry her?"
Harm whole stature turned defensive. "Mac was ---."
"Don't you dare put this on her … I am not asking for what she did or didn't do … I know your history … from her and from you … mostly her … and I have heard all your stories so many times they feel like reruns I have seen a hundred times." She didn't laugh. She wasn't kidding. "So tell me why a man who would risk his life to save a woman he loved would step back and watch her walk off with another man – hell you didn't step back you shoved her into his arms." She stated clearly. "Tell me why a man who finally had the woman he wanted … waited for … why would he let her go because that was what she SAID she wanted."
"I can't answer that." He said after a moment of reflection.
"You can't …" She started to repeat his comment. "You know I am a shrink and I can't figure it out … yeah, yeah … I can do that whole abandonment issue – and that goes for both of you – but I just don't get how you can let her leave."
"I had no choice … When Mac sets her mind to something --."
"Did you even challenge her? Did you fight with her … did you call her on her shit?"
"Yes."
"Yes?" She asked back.
"Yes … I did … but when Mac sets her mind to something it is very difficult to change."
"Is that why you waited for her all those years?"
"Maybe."
"You just stood around on the outskirts waiting for her to change her mind."
"It wasn't quite like that." He stated, but it actually was.
"You let her get hooked up with Brumby."
"Hey." he defended. "She was well into that before I was sure that I loved her."
"But when you were sure … you would have watched her marry that guy … Jesus Christ Harm … do you have any testosterone at all?"
"Gates." He looked around to see who was listening.
"Look … I am not advocating that you chase her down now … frankly I think it's too late." She had practiced that lie over and over and she felt her delivery was perfect. "I think you were given a golden opportunity in the last couple of days and you squandered that too."
"Opportunity?"
"Personally I am beginning to think that Mac is better without you."
"What opportunity?"
"She came back Rabb … she came back to you on Thanksgiving … she didn't come to see anyone else … she would never have called me … or the Roberts or even Mattie. And God knows she didn't come back for they oyster stuffing – which was to die for I might add. She came back to for you … to see you … and again … you did nothing to keep her."
"What was I supposed to say to her?" He asked.
"You shouldn't have said anything at all … she didn't come back for words. She could have gotten lip service on the phone." She realized what she said and how it could be read in two ways. "You know what I mean … she came back for a different kind of lip service."
"That is not the impression I got … what I got was that she was stringing me along … making sure that I didn't get too far away." He thought again. "And that she had changed her mind about coming when it was too late to turn back."
"Men." Gates shook her head. "If you weren't so necessary you would be totally useless."
"What does that mean?"
"Have you ever made a mistake and not known how to get out of it?"
He shrugged. The answer should have been 'more times than I can count'.
"Isn't it always nice when someone – I don't know, say some who loves you – helps you out of that jam without asking too many questions and without ramming it down your throat that you screwed up?"
Harm had to smile at that. When had Gates ever done anything to help anyone that she didn't ram it down their throats that they had screwed up? "So what the hell should I have done, Gates?"
"You are seriously asking me?"
"Yes." He stated clearly. "You say I should fight for her … fight for the relationship … what does that mean - exactly? Does it mean that I should ignore what she says to me? Pretend that what she states as her feelings, are not really hers? Assume that she is lying or playing some stupid game?" He shook his head. "I have more respect for Mac than that. She has more respect for herself than to play games."
"Did you tell her how YOU feel … what you want … what your needs are … what your hopes for the future would be like?"
"Yes."
"Did you? Did you really?" She leaned in. "Did you really make her understand how important she was to you?"
At that Harm sat back. He had to ask himself how important Mac was to him. She had been just out of reach for the first 8 years but she was never far away … then came the first part of their relationship (which was good – great), and then came the marriage. Harm was so out of his element in both his work life and his home life it was surreal – the house was a wreck, work was long hours with nearly nothing to show for it, Mac worked harder and harder and the whole baby fiasco was overshadowing everything. He couldn't make a right decision for himself without it affecting Mac and their marriage – at least that was how he saw it. Mac was constantly disappointed. So was he. It seemed like the norm or a phase or something that they would grow out of. But honestly when Mac said she was moving out, it was a relief. He had barely enough to get through the day as it was, at least he wouldn't have her disappointment to shoulder. He knew he had failed her, but he wasn't entirely sure how. And he had no idea how to fix it. He never actually thought it was over, he always suspected that they just needed a little break. Even when she told him about going to Okinawa, he thought that the break would just be a little longer. It wasn't until the night she showed up at his house on Thanksgiving night that he realized that it was no break – that is was over. So how important she was to him was still unknown. He had only really realized that he could really lose her and lose her for good 36 hours before.
"Or maybe she isn't?" Gates concluded. "Maybe you are both better off with out the other. Maybe the whole relationship was just an itch that needed to be scratched and that you really had no staying power."
He shook his head. He still had no answer.
It was at that point the waiter came over to take their order. To his surprise he ordered the biggest steak on the menu, medium rare and another glass of wine.
Gates smiled to herself. "Finally the man is showing a more carnivorous side." Maybe she was getting through.
Harm of course didn't actually eat the steak – he took it home for the cats – but it felt good to order it.
End Chapter Four – TBC (?)