The Desians Versus the Mary Sues.
Chapter Two: Susan's Crazy Friend.
Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own Tales of Symphonia.
Susan looked down at the squashed, wet figure of her favorite toy at her feet. The doll's remaining eye was cracked, and its left arm fell off when Kvar kicked it. The heartbroken fangirl's eyes began to fill with sooper shiny diamond tears and her pale face turned Mary Sue blue in sadness. The tears fell from her eyes, making a loud shattering noise when they hit the floor. She then looked up and glared directly at Kvar, with her hands shaking and her teeth chattering.
"Lord Kvar, sir," said Robert. "Should we perform Offensive Maneuver Alpha on this creature?"
But before Kvar could respond to the night shift worker's question, the girl let out a massive, ear-splitting squeal. The Grand Cardinal and his subordinates covered their ears and screamed in pain and sheer horror. After ten seconds (which seemed like an eternity to the ranch leader and the foot soldiers), Susan finally stopped squealing and grinned evilly at Kvar. Her face had turned back to its normal color and her eyes were tear-free. Kvar and the foot soldiers just stared at her with disgust. Susan coughed a few times, trying to regain her voice.
"Now you're gonna get it," Susan muttered in a hoarse voice. "The Fangirl Squeal Alarm knows no bounds! My friend is gonna teach you all a lesson!"
Suddenly, a medium-sized, bright, orange circle of light appeared between Susan and the Desians. The circle had words underneath it, similar to the one Susan saw. The words read:
Congratulations!
You have successfully used the Magitechnology Plot Contrivance Circle of Good Fortune!
Enjoy your stay in Fantasy Land Miss Kawaii Neko!
The circle's light grew brighter and brighter. As the circle glowed, Kvar could hear the intensifying sound of someone laughing and the sound of something slamming against a solid wall. Then, without warning, the stunning, blinding glow faded. The part of the floor that was consumed by the light circle crumbled away, leaving a medium-sized hole. The slightly terrified Grand Cardinal pushed his poorly-coordinated cronies towards the apparently bottomless hole. The cronies jumped in the air as a large plume of what appeared to be fire shot out of the circle, slightly singing their boots.
"She's a demon!" cried Robert. "She's going to send us to hell!"
Then, a small, pink ball surrounded by an aura of strange, white energy shot out of the hole. It flew around the chamber, leaving yellow sparks in the air and making a horrible whistling noise. Susan then clapped her hands twice and the energy sphere stopped and landed right on top of her head.
"This is my friend, Kawaii-sama-chan-Neko!" chirped Susan, pointing to the glowing orb. "You better be nice to her, or else!"
The orb started to crack open like an egg. A strange, white, powdery substance poured out of the cracks. Then, a grotesque-looking creature unexpectedly burst out of the sphere. The creature looked like a one foot tall female human. It had gigantic, bulging, hot pink eyes, short, spiky ocean blue hair, short, skinny legs, and long, gangly arms. It was wearing a long, yellow party dress adorned with pink hearts and green smiley faces. Its mouth was twisted in an extremely large, disturbing-looking grin, showing off its small, pointed teeth.
"Hello there! OMG!" the creature screeched. "I'm Kawaii Neko Sugar High! LOL! I like monkeys, cheese, and sugar! LOL!" The beast talked so fast that the irritated, sleepy, and confused Desians could barely understand it. They started whispering to one another.
"What did it say?" asked Dave. "Something about a high bowl?"
"No, no, no," replied a foot soldier named Andrew. "It said something about a sugar bowl with monkey beans!"
"The hell...!" said Robert. "What does that mean!"
"And what does 'oh-em-gee' mean, sir?" Dave said, staring at Kvar as if waiting for an answer. The Grand Cardinal growled in frustration and massaged the bridge of his nose.
"I...don't...know." he said under his breath. "I don't know and I don't care."
Kawaii Neko jumped off Susan's head and dashed up to Kvar, her eyes glowing brightly. She opened her large, cavernous mouth and pulled out a soaking-wet piece of paper and a small bottle full of black ink. The foot soldiers and the ranch master stared down at her, ready to either run away or to crush her under their feet.
"Do y' wanna find out what 'OMG' means?" Kawaii said in a slow, quiet voice. The Desian lackeys nodded silently, and Kvar shook his head left to right. Kawaii glared at the Desians, her eyes turning from pink to a demonic yellow color.
"Well, too bad!" she screeched. "You guys were mean to my friend and now I'm gonna write a short fic that's all about bashing YOU! And I'm not gonna tell you what OMG means!" She then opened the ink bottle and smeared her fingers with the black fluid. She began rubbing the ink on the piece of paper, as if trying to paint a picture. In five seconds she was finished and she held up the paper. Her eyes turned back to their original color.
One of the night shift workers reluctantly took the paper from the small girl. He looked at the slimy paper, frowned, and shook his head. He showed the paper to Kvar, a thin line of saliva slipping down his face.
"This thing gave me a headache, sir." said the stupefied minion, wiping the saliva off his face. Kvar took the paper and tried to read it. In one second, he wish he hadn't. The soaked, smudged paper simply said:
U Suck, LOL! Susan is the best person EVER!
Kvar felt a burning, stinging sensation in his head. The sheer lack of intelligence in Kawaii's message filled the ranch master's head with thoughts of hatred. He gave his minions a strange hand gesture, signaling them to back away. The cronies obeyed and took several steps back, dropping their brushes and buckets of water as they walked. Kvar then ripped the disgusting piece of paper into shreds. Kawaii's eyes began to fill with pink, sweet-smelling tears as the bits of paper rained down on her.
"You dare insult my intelligence?" growled Kvar, his pitch-black eyes wide open. The enraged and insulted Grand Cardinal raised his foot above the small, shivering girl's big head. Kawaii's wide, toothy grin instantly turned into a frown and she closed her globular eyes. She then began biting her nails and stamping her tiny feet.
"You...thought my fic was stupid!" cried Kawaii, her voice speeding up. "How could you hate it? I am a writing queen!" The girl pulled out another piece of paper and bottle of ink in an attempt to write something new, but it was too late. Kvar crushed the small, jittery creature under his foot. To the ranch master's surprise, the creature's body was full of slices of cheese, black ink, and a massive amount of mysterious, white powder.
"Kawaii-chan!" cried Susan, her eyes turning ruby-sapphire-emerald again. She backed away slowly from the Desians and the remains of her friend. The pieces of the orb Kawaii was contained in fell off Susan's head. Suddenly, she let out a small squeal and ran out of the cafeteria via the automatic doors.
"Seize her!" Kvar roared, pointing to the automatic doors. "Do not let her escape!" The night shift workers dashed past the Grand Cardinal, Kawaii's crushed body, and the pile of strange powder and ran out the doors.
The twelve foot soldiers chased Susan down the Human Ranch's long, darkened hallways with Kvar close behind them. As the chase went on, the automatic doors that dotted the hallway walls opened and sleepy, befuddled Desians flooded the wide passageways, awakened by the sounds of footsteps and loud, angry shouting. Finally, Susan reached a large, dark, empty room. The room resembled a meeting hall, with several rows of small metal chairs. In the back of the room was a tall, wide, silver-colored podium. Behind the podium there was a large, sinister painting of the ranch master himself enclosed in a bland, metal frame hanging on the wall.
"I think she ran in here, sir!" came a voice. Then, fifty Desians poured into the large chamber. Some of them were clad in the standard uniform, others were wearing dark-colored night clothes that they bought from Kvar when they were hired. Kvar himself entered the room a few seconds later, breathing heavily and clutching his chest with his left hand.
"How...is it possible for someone in high heels to run so quickly...?" the exhausted Grand Cardinal asked.
"It's simple!" replied Susan. "I can run fast in high heels 'cuz my love for Kratty-chan gives me the power! Oh, and also because I'm a..."
Then, without warning, one of the night shift employees tackled the girl to the floor, grabbed her head, and started pounding her face onto the solid, cold floor. The sound of the girl's rock-solid head hitting the floor echoed through the gloomy assembly room. The eleven other night shift workers cheered and applauded, but the pajama-wearing workers were just staring, bewildered by the violent thrashing. Finally, the attacking night shift worker stopped. Susan's body laid motionless on the floor. Kvar slowly approached the body and nudged its arm with his foot. There was no response.
"That," said the foot soldier. "was for making the cafeteria floor dirtier."
"Finally," groaned Kvar, stretching his arms. "I can finally rest in peace."
"But sir," chirped one of the Desian lackeys. "Shouldn't we find out who that girl was, or where she came from?" The ranch manager just glared at the curious subordinate.
"Like I said," replied the Grand Cardinal. "I can finally rest in peace. Now dispose of the body before it starts to rot." He then exited the meeting hall via the automatic doors on the far right side of the room followed by forty-eight of his minions. The two remaining night shift minions picked up Susan's dead body and carried it through a larger automatic door on the left side of the room.
Kvar himself slowly walked down the long, shadowy corridor. His minions had already returned to their sleeping quarters, so he was wandering down the hallways by himself. He eventually reached a small, round chamber that only contained a glowing blue warp circle. The Grand Cardinal stepped on the circle and was instantly teleported to the ranch's large, circular control room. The control room was a massive, circular chamber. Its walls were lined with navy blue monitors that displayed the ranch's status and medium-sized control panels. In the center of the room was a large, round, comfortable-looking levitating chair. Kvar shuffled over to the chair and took a seat. He soon fell into a deep slumber at 4:35 A.M.
"Hey, wake up you big MEANIE!" came a deep, gloomy voice
Kvar growled, opened his eyes, and saw a horrible, sparkly, beautiful sight. His control room was decorated with small, watercolor paintings of Kratos, Kratos plush toys and figurines. Also, the walls were painted completely purple. Kvar looked around the room frantically, breathing heavily with beads of sweat cascading down his forehead.
"What happened!" the Grand Cardinal cried. "Who did this? Who!"
Suddenly, an image of a strange being appeared on the room's magitechnology projector. The strange being was wearing a black miniskirt and an extremely short purple tank top that had the words "I love Kratty-chan!" written across the center. She had short, spiky, pitch-black hair and had big, sleepy-looking purple eyes.
"I am Raven Susan Moonlight DarkMind," said the gloomy-looking person. "Your big MEANIE jackass ranch has been Sue-ified. Prepare to die."
To be continued...