A/n: Yes, it's another song-fic. I'll never learn. But in my defense, I wrote this one and then added the song because it fit so well.

I closed the door behind me, muscles quivering with the effort it took to do the job slowly and softly. It would be so much easier to let it slam and bolt, and surely he was too far gone to hear even the loudest noise I could make. But I managed to nudge it the rest of the way, heard the subtle click as it settled into place.

The sound somehow sapped the adrenaline from me, and I inched over to lean hard against the wall. But stilling my body couldn't stop my mind from whirling.

Why? Why am I even thinking about this? My life works now. Everything's fallen into place.

I'm a doctor, something that still gives me a little thrill. For so long, I thought it would never happen, and now...the job isn't effortless, but I can handle it. Sometimes I even catch myself relaxing enough to enjoy it.

My family is stable. I don't dare to think fixed or cured, but stable. Maggie and Eric take their meds and stay out of trouble, and we talk now and again. She's making noises about the three of us getting together over the holidays. I'm not sure whether I'm looking forward to it. Still, I can say honestly that I don't have any immediate fear for either of them. There was a time I'd have given anything for that.

Outside of work, there's Neela. One of my biggest surprises in a long time was looking at her and realizing I considered her a friend. I've never been good at friendship, and I wouldn't have thought of Neela as someone I could form a bond with. But it happened and I'm grateful.

There's Susan, too. Between her new job and her new family, she's ridiculously busy, but we find time to chat now and again. Chuck suits her, as does motherhood, and she's doing well. I'm still friendly with most of the nurses.

It's a good life, a content one. I'm happy, when for years I considered it a victory if I wasn't hopelessly miserable.

So why am I letting this one regret cast a shadow over me? Why should I jeopardize the fragile peace I've found chasing something that could bring so much pain?

I see you now, I think of then,

And dwell upon the happiness of way back when.

'Cause since you said goodbye,

The feelings just won't die.

And I still long to hold you now and then.

I'd accepted it as a fact of life that I was never going to stop wanting him.

I don't know what I expected when I went to him those years ago. Don't remember what I was looking for, or whether I was thinking at all.

But I came away with a desire for him that's never let go. Rose and fell, faded and flared, but never died. Always there in a corner of my heart, refusing to let me forget. When he touched me, when he looked at me, whenever something, anything stirred a memory. Whenever I was cold.

I could even pin down, to the very moment, when I'd stopped kidding myself - the night before he left the hospital for Africa. Finding him in the lounge, off-balance to begin with because I was so rarely alone with him anymore.

The quick spike of worry, the knowledge that I'd miss even what contact we'd had lately. Staring at him, knowing I should leave but unable to break free.

When his arms opened, when he tilted his head and looked at me with that unsure light in his eyes, I didn't stop to think before moving into that embrace. It felt so natural to go to him...so natural to feel him holding me again. I felt myself leaning into him...and panicked, pulled away. Fled.

And gave up. That moment of nearness, so familiar and right, brought back everything I'd been struggling to push away. I remembered all too clearly why I wanted him so much. So I accepted that, but knew it was never going to happen.

He left, and I tried not to dwell on him. Then they called to say he was dead.

I barely remember those days I spent in frozen horror. I don't want to. I shiver even thinking of it, and I don't want to remember how it felt to hurt so much. When we learned it had been a mistake, I wanted so badly to believe he might be alive, but couldn't bear to let myself until I saw him.

And then there he was. Pale, tired, but breathing. I spent the rest of that day unable to keep my thoughts from him, feeling as though I'd go insane with frustration until I finally escaped upstairs. When our eyes met for what felt like the first time all over again, for one stupid second I wondered. My recent grief was a fresh reminder that life was too damn short. This was like a second chance and maybe, maybe...

But there was Gillian, and then Sam and Alex, and I was throwing everything I had into med school. I watched him move on and tried to feel happy. I'd never been able to forget Gordana Horvat's words about the 'three children and a dog' she'd expected to find Luka raising. I wondered if that was what he wanted - a family, one that needed him. (And it was petty, but I had to admit it would be hard to find a pair more in need of help than the Taggarts.)

For almost two years, I watched as he made himself a part of their lives. Waited, with morbid anticipation, for the day he'd announce that he and Sam were engaged, she was pregnant with his child, and they were going to live happily ever after.

Only that day never came. And forget 'ever after' - they rarely looked happy even in the present. The entire ER watched their spats with varying degrees of bemusement, and I knew of more than one person who was relieved when we thought she'd gone for good. When she came back, the situation was still volatile.

Now she was doing it again. Not leaving the ER, but leaving Luka. I knew he was in pain, couldn't help but remember that this had happened before. Carol and her twins, shortly after I'd met him. And Nicole, carrying the baby he'd planned to be a father to.

And, of course, Danijela and Jasna and Marco before any of them. Now he was losing another family, and I watched him mourn that. I'd never liked seeing him with Sam, but this was almost worse.

A million years have come and gone,

And I was sure by now I'd make it on my own.

But seeing you today

Took my breath away.

And I still long to hold you now and then.

Tonight, I'd been alone with him once more. And my traitorous mind had started to wonder, maybe, maybe...

I shook my head in frustration. This was stupid, stupid, stupid for an endless list of reasons. I didn't want to chance the pain losing him again would bring. He didn't want me. Anything I might have felt from him lately was brought on by the rebound or the alcohol.

And above all, because it never worked. If every time my hopes came up, it was in vain, why should this time be different?

Maybe because they kept coming up. Maybe because there was a reason I'd never let him go. Maybe I hadn't been imagining all those times I thought he missed me.

No. I shook my head again, violently now. All the maybes in the world weren't worth the risk. They just weren't. Somehow, I got my legs moving. I had to get away, couldn't be this close without longing to be closer.

Maybe. Maybe someday I could walk away fast or far enough to leave him behind me.

Maybe.

So I'll exist on dreams again,

On days when we were lovers and not just friends.

And even if I find another love in time,

I'll still long to hold you now and then.

Oh, I still long to hold you now and then.