Family Guy
The G Team
Opening credits. Cut to the family watching TV.
Diane Simmons: And the war between cats and dogs waged throughout last night, any last comments Tom before we finish up and run five old 1940s movies.
Tom Tucker: News just in, I don't care.
Diane Simmons: Typical, we not now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Tuckanwa for 60 seconds of filler.
Cut to Trisha near the Stop n' Shop.
Trisha Tuckanwa: Thank you Diane, hurricane season is sweeping Rhode Island, and who knows? Maybe Quahog will be next on the hit list and that is why eager Quahog citizens are roaming the Stop n' Shop...
The "Big Fat Phony" Guy walks up to Trisha.
Trisha Tuckanwa: Citizen of Quahog, please tell us why you are worrying about Hurricane Greta reaching Quahog?
Big Fat Phony Guy: Umm...I would like to say that the man who gave me back my change at the Stop n' Shop...is a BIG FAT PHONY, yeah...A BIG FAT PHONY WORKS HERE Points to the Stop n' Shop A BIG FAT ONE!
Trisha Tuckanwa: Back to you, Diane.
Adam West runs in the background with a shopping cart.
Adam West:(in background): Where's the grape juice, I came for the grape juice!
Cut to the family watching TV.
Lois: A Hurricane reaching Quahog? Peter, what will we do?
Pause.
Peter: Wasn't that that movie that starred Denzel Washington?
Pause.
Peter: He was good in Malcolm X, but could've been a lot better in "The Hurricane".
Stewie: And while we're talking about Denzel Washington, Training Day was lackluster and left too much to desire while Changing Lanes with Ben Affleck, his acting wasn't up to par with The Green Mile.
Peter: That was Tom Hanks in The Green Mile.
Stewie: Then who played the black guy, Mhm? I know, I was there when Denzel Washington won the Academy Award for Malcolm X, you know...I know everyone about him.
Flashback. Denzel walks to Stewie backstage.
Stewie: You were good out there Denzel.
Denzel Washington: Did I come a little strong.
Stewie hops up and slaps him.
Stewie: Listen man, you're a man with desirable talent and great acting skills, if your leaving yourself to have a low self esteem, then forget about the Oscars or the Golden Globe, then who'll be my bitch?
Present day.
Lois: Please get some food Peter, for me?
Peter: Okay, Lois...for you.
Peter walks out.
Brian: Stewie, Denzel Washington was also in "The Bone Collector".
Stewie: God, does it look like I care?
Peter drives through the Stop n' Shop and runs over a store attendant.
Peter: Oh God, oh God...oh God, oh God...oh God...oh God, oh God...oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God...oh God...oh God...oh God...
God suddenly appears.
God: If you save "Oh, God" one more time, I'll smite your sorry ass to Hell, do you hear me?
Cut to the house. The family are having dinner when an old 1940s movie is on in the background.
Chris: Okay, Meg, here's a question you wouldn't get...who plays the lead character in "Boogie Nights"?
Meg: Oh, I don't know...Mark Walhberg?
Chris: Damn! Okay, which celebrity couple was in Gig...
Meg: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.
Chris: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH!
Stewie: Can I do the next question...okay, who plays Jackie Chan's sidekick in Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights?
Pause.
Stewie: IT WAS OWEN WILSON, AREN'T YOU FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORK, HE WAS IN I SPY, THE WEDDING CRASHERS, STARSKY & HUTCH AND MEET THE PARENTS AND THE SEQUEL MEET THE FOCKERS, GOD!
Pause.
Stewie: It's good to put that out in the open.
Tom Tucker: We interrupt this movie for a special news bulletin.
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, Quahog citizen Peter Griffin is put under custod...
Lois: OH MY GOD!
Meg: Turn it up...
Lois turns the TV up. A mortise of Peter fighting a chicken appears.
Tom Tucker: Peter Griffin, who's seen here fighting a chicken for giving him a bad coupon is set to be put on trial for "hit and run"...pfffttt...
Diane Simmons: You find this funny, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, I played a Simpsons videogame this morning called "Hit & Run" with my son Jake...I lost, but...Jake's good...Jake's good.
Diane Simmons: We now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Tuckanwa.
Cut to Trisha near the Stop n' Shop.
Trisha: Thank you Diane, Mr. Gri...
Peter runs her over and steps out of the car.
Peter: Oh God...
God appears on a horse and shoots Peter. Cut back to the newsroom.
Tom: We now return to our movie in progress.
Cut to black and white end credits.
Lois: Kids, there's something you should know...dad's being put on trial for hit and run.
Meg: Yeah, we heard.
Brian: This wouldn't be the first time Peter got in trouble because of his car...
Flashback. OJ Simpson is driving his car as Peter rams into him.
Peter:(laughing): Loser...
Present day. Cut to Quahog Supreme Ruler's Justice Court For Homeless and Stupid. Cut inside the Judge Judy-usque is on sitting on her chair.
Judge: Mr. Griffin, is your lawyer present?
Peter: What like...like Sam McCoy or...William Shatner?
Judge: No a real lawyer, Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Can I defend myself Mr. Judge, sir?
The Judge looks at him.
Judge: Grrrr...
Peter: I mean, I know you have hooters, but God...I thought you had a sex change like Meg in the future?
Pause. God shoots Peter again.
Kool Aid Man:(V.O very faintly): Oh yeah!
Chris looks at Meg while she's looking at herself in the mirror.
Stewie: Wow, Meg...did you hear that...or should I say...Mag...wait that's not right...ummm...can you come back to me Megan, I'm trying to think of a good insult, but court isn't usually I would crack a joke, you know?
Flashback. Michael Jackson is in court, and Stewie's in the witness box.
Stewie: And Michael was making googly-eyes at Macaulay Caulkin, maybe they should've gotten married in a Wedding Chapel in Canada...
Stewie laughs as the rest gasp.
Stewie: What?
Pause.
Stewie: Too soon?
Present day.
Judge: Grrrrr...
Peter: Don't get too cocky...
Judge:(angry): Mr. Griffin, for two hit and run charges I sentence you to life!
Judge bangs her gavel as the bailiff drags him off.
Peter: I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE RECORDED ONTO COURT TV!
Cut outside the courthouse.
Lois:(crying): I can't believe his gone!
Meg:(crying): We didn't have any chance to say goodbye!
Stewie: Oh hush up, he isn't even you real father!
Chris: Oh man, who's going to be my dad now, and if you say Supernanny I would say "NO" because she's a chick with a penis.
Brian: My best friend in jail...wouldn't have seen that coming?
Brian proceeds to read the newspaper.
Brian: A sale on nutmeg, wow...
Harvey Birdman appears.
Harvey Birdman: Where's my client Peter? I heard his on hit and run charges.
Lois: His in jail...
Harvey Birdman: Oh really...you serious? Oh well...BIRRRRRRRDMAN!
Birdman flies off. Cut to commercial. Act 2. Cut to Peter walking through the halls of jail.
Prisoner: I'm going to have a nice time with fatty over there!
Prisoner #2: I love fat people, because you can get seven minutes of juices.
Peter: Thank you, I forget how people in jail are so nice.
Prisoner #3: Wanna have a good time in the toilets with me fat-stuff.
Peter: No thanks. Wow, just imagine what they'll do to me when I say I'm not gay.
Peter walks over to Mort Goldman in security uniform that says "I Shot No One".
Peter: Mort, what are you doing here?
Mort: To prove my manliness and masculinity to Muriel, I've taken a part-time job in the prison, oh it's terrible Peter. All the prisoners made fun of my runny nose and punched it repeatedly until it started spurting out red mucus which prisoners were really mean to me about that that until I used a used paper towel to clean out the red mucus until a prisoner known as Romper Stomper gave an a atomic nuclear wedgie which everyone made fun of me for and tried flushing me down the toilet. It was horrible, my head was stunk of crap and the prisoners stuck cigarettes up my ass, oh God...those were some terrible times here.
Pause.
Peter:(looking towards the Heavens): You didn't shoot him!
Mort: I'll give you a cell with the most ruthless criminal known as "KFC".
Peter: KFC? What, is there also a prisoner here called "McDonalds" or "Subway", c'mon!
Mort: It stands for Kill, Fry and Cook for the needy. He kills people to give to homeless people.
Peter:(gulps): I wish Meg was here.
Cut to the family watching TV in the lounge.
Announcer: This Summer, "The Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This" comes to cinemas across the country...
The doorbell rings, Meg answers the door and sees that it is Quagmire.
Quagmire: Hiya Meg, are you 18 yet?
Meg: No...
Quagmire: Where's your Mom, I've got flowers for her...giddy, giddy, giddy!
Quagmire holds up a pot of flowers. Cut to Joe's garden with him and Bonnie staring at the hole.
Joe: What happened to my award-winning pot flower garden!
Bonnie: Oh my God, Joe! The baby's coming, the baby's coming!
Joe: There isn't time for that now, Bonnie.
Cut back to the Griffin household. Lois walks over to the door.
Lois: Hi Glen, if you haven't heard Peter's in jail.
Quagmire: Hello Lois, wanna a night on the town?
Lois: That's very sweet Glen, but I can't get over Peter...
Quagmire: Uh, who needs him...lose the zero, get with the hero.
Lois: You're very nice for asking Glen...but I have to say no...
Quagmire: I'm feeling a feeling I've never felt before...it's called "rejection", that's probably what all those transsexuals and fat chicks must feel like...
Quagmire runs off crying to his home and runs to the closet and opens the door and we see the blow-up doll with a picture of Lois on it from "Emission Impossible".
Quagmire: Do you want a night on the town?
Quagmire handles it like a puppet.
Quagmire:(impersonating Lois): Okay Quagmire...I love you.
Pause.
Quagmire: I'm soooo lonely...
Quagmire continues crying. Cut to the jail as Peter and KFC (with black hair like a devil's horns and a black goatee) sit back to back.
Peter: Is this going to be like that show "Oz"?
KFC: What?
Peter: That show "Oz", you know...Oz...where all the prisoners have sex with each other and stick things up people's asses as punishment for burning down the prison and end up rioting and killing each other and there's more sex?
KFC: I've seen The Sopranos.
Peter: The Sopranos? What about Sex in the City, Sarah Jessica Parker is a hottie.
KFC: Sarah Jessica Parker is the ugliest bitch to come out of ugly-bitch town.
Peter: I'll tell you who's ugly, the person's name begins with M...you give up, Brittany Snow from "American Dreams".
KFC: She is very pretty, don't bag her, and her name begins with B.
Peter: But in the show, it's "Meg Pryor" what's up with that?
The Great Gazoo appears.
The Great Gazoo: It's a character, dumb-dumb.
Peter: Not now Gazoo...
The Great Gazoo: I'm going to Fred and Barney, they can make an openly gay alien feel appreciated...
The Great Gazoo disappears.
Peter: That guy basically ruined "The Flintstones" for me.
Cut to Cleveland, Joe and Bonnie having dinner with the Griffins.
Joe: Lois, this dinner is delicious...what is your secret ingredient?
Lois: Well, I suppose love.
Joe: Love, Bonnie...start making out with your dinner.
Bonnie: I'll keep that in mind, Joe.
Cleveland: This is the best dinner I've had seen Loretta left me, Cleveland Jnr. couldn't come tonight because of his sessions with a hypnotist to make him forget about Loretta the Cheating...something. Maxine, rhymes better with Queen.
Cut to Meg sitting next to Kevin.
Meg: So...how are you going?
Kevin: Oh I'm great, do you want to see a movie sometime?
Meg: Okay...
Stewie: Just make sure it doesn't have Rob Schneider in it.
Lois: Where's Glen? I did leave an invitation in his mail box.
Cut to Quagmire dancing with the blow-up doll to Michael Buble's "Sway".
Quagmire: You like that don't you?
Cut back to the lounge.
Lois: We all came here to give Peter an appeal trial.
Brian: His trial was unfair and short and didn't serve enough time for his defence, we need to start a big protest group and go over and get Peter out.
Joe: To Peter!
Everyone: To Peter!
Chris and Meg both walk on the footpath.
Meg: It's your entire fault we both missed our buses, lardo.
They stop when they see Herbert the Old Pervert.
Herbert: Hello muscly-arms, who's the pretty little lady there with you.
Chris: That's Meg, my sister.
Meg: You know this guy?
Chris: Sure, his Herbert.
Herbert: Hello Meg...
Herbert scoots closer to Meg.
Herbert: You sure do have a nice set of melons, I love melons and maybe a little carpet...
Meg: Eww! Get away from me!
Herbert: I heard your father went to jail...
Chris: Yeah, he did.
Herbert: I bet you're sad.
Chris: Yeah...
Herbert: Wanna go inside and play video games, I have a joystick in my pants, can you please fish it out, cause of my arthritis.
Chris: Thanks Mister, but I've got video games at home.
Chris and Meg walk off.
Chris & Meg: Weird.
Herbert: You two get your asses back here.
Cut to Peter at the cafeteria holding a tray, at the lunch line.
Peter: I'll suppose I'll the chilli corn dog and the chilli juice.
Chef: Good choice.
Peter gets a jug full of chilli and sits next to KFC who has a jug of beer.
Peter: Man, is it true if you eat all the chilli in one gulp, you'll vomit out fire?
KFC: Does it look like I care? Griffin?
Peter: I suppose not...
Peter opens it and starts drinking the chilli juice and after awhile, turns red and starts sweating all over the place.
Peter: IT'S SO HOT!
Peter runs on the table, grabs hold of the keg of beer and starts drinking it.
KFC: Give me back my beer, Griffin!
Peter kicks KFC through the window and continues drinking the beer.
Peter:(mouthful of beer): Boo Lois, yeah beer!
KFC stomps through the wall as security guards grab him.
KFC: Look, it's Vincent D'onofrio!
The security guards let him go and run off.
Peter:(looking at a walking KFC): Oh crap.
KFC holds Peter against a wall and swings out a knife.
KFC: At lights out Griffin, you're hobo food! You hear that, hobo food!
KFC walks off as Mort walks up to Peter.
Mort: Is it true that Vincent D'onofrio is here?
The family (sans Meg) are watching a lawyer show.
Lawyer: I want my client to have free food.
Lawyer #2: I want my client to be able to molest birds.
Judge: I want you two to shut the Hell up.
Meg runs in with an envelope.
Meg: A letter from Dad's lawyer is here!
Meg opens it, and folds out a letter and starts reading it.
Meg:(reading): Mrs. Griffin, I'm sorry to say that Peter Griffin's appeal case has been denied, but we will try to convince the courthouse to just give him 120 hours of community service.
Everyone gasps.
Chris: Oh man, I'm stumped...what does "that" mean?
Pause.
Stewie: Well, the word "that" refers to a object or an happening like this sentence "Someone gave me a blowjob, I liked "that"" or as in a object, you'll say "Will "that" cat get out of my couch?" You see Chris, "that" is a simple work referring to any object, place, or happening in one's life.
Pause.
Stewie: Stop looking at me like that.
Cut to jail. Peter is in the cell with KFC with a grin on his face as Mort locks up the cell.
Peter: Psst...Mort, you've gotta help me, KFC is going to kill me.
Mort: Why don't you just stop eating it, I told it was full of processed fats and oils.
Peter: Not that KFC, the person KFC.
Mort: Oh him...
Pause. Mort runs off.
KFC: Awwww, Officer Dorkman couldn't save you...time for the killing...
Peter: NOOOO!
Peter runs to the wall as the bricks collapse on him.
KFC: Griffin...did you know what you just did? Just wait until I tell the guys about this...
Peter runs through the tunnel.
Peter: Yeah, me escaping.
KFC: Griffin, that's for all the prisoners. You're hobo food Griffin! Hobo food!
KFC chases after him. Peter crawls through the space as KFC catches up and grabs his leg, as Peter wiggles him off, and as it seems KFC is falling, he grabs hold of a rock and starts climbing up again as Peter rushes out. Cut outside as Mort walks through, singing.
Mort:(singing): I'm glad, when you're glad...
Peter smashes out, with dirt all over him as he grabs hold of Mort's leg.
Mort: Oh no!
Peter: Help me!
Mort rushes off.
Mort: It's like that cancelled FOX show with the actress from Buffy, AAAAAAAAH!
Peter jumps out, and rushes off and climbs over the fence as KFC jumps out.
KFC: Where did Griffin go?
Pause.
KFC: That Peter Griffin, what a character...
KFC walks off. Cut to the family home as they are watching the news.
Tom Tucker: I suppose this St. Patrick's Day Diane; we should stop stamping on the little dwarves, because they may lead us to gold and whiskey. News just in, prisoner Peter Griffin...
Meg: They're talking about Dad!
Tom Tucker: Has escaped from jail with KFC, a ruthless criminal with a past of mutilation.
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, if you see a fat guy with glasses and an escaped convict shirt and a white version of the devil please call 121-TOMSUX.
Tom Tucker: Tom sucks?
Diane Simmons: It's just a joke, Tom...
Tom Tucker: No putting a whoopee cushion under you chair is a joke, making out with your boyfriend is a joke Diane...
Diane Simmons: Tom...
Tom Tucker: No, I'm going to eat chicken and be in my attic and just grow fatter and fatter then die...
Tom runs off crying.
Diane Simmons: Umm, in other news Tony Danza runs against George W. Bush for...
A knock is heard on the door.
Lois: I'll get it.
Lois opens it and sees Peter.
Lois: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I've escaped so I can be with my family, that and I was going to be hobo food.
Lois: That's very sweet, but if the police capture you, won't your prison life just worsen?
Peter: Maybe so Lois, but we can all be a family of outlaws like my great Australian grandpa Ned Kelly Griffin.
Flashback. Cut to a man in helmet armour with a gang of people with guns.
Ned Kelly Griffin: We shall rob the bank here...
Gang Member #1: Why there? Why can't we make it through the window?
Ned Kelly Griffin: Because Tom's fat, moving on.
Tom Tucker: John Candy is fat, I'm just putting some on!
Tom runs off crying. Present.
Lois: We can't be outlaws, Peter we'll be all be killed!
Peter: Or die trying.
Lois: Peter, you're going to put us in danger.
Peter: Not exactly.
Lois: What do you mean not exactly?
Peter: We've going to answer ads in Soldiers of Fortune.
Lois: That magazine that used to have the men with the boobs on it?
Peter: That's it.
Lois: Yeah, go on.
Peter: We're going to like The A-Team Lois, I petty the fool who doesn't like Mr. T.
Lois: Peter, that's crazy!
Peter: Not as crazy as Dan Rather!
Lois: Okay, I suppose we made a vowel...Chris, Meg, Stewie, Brian...we're going to be...The A-Team.
Peter: No, we have to be "The G-Team" to avoid copyright issues.
Lois: Which person from The A-Team is still alive?
Peter: Mr. T.
Lois: Okay, "The G-Team".
Peter: Me, Hannibal Smith...Brian, Face.
Brian: Um, Peter I never watched The A-Team.
Pause. Peter slaps him.
Peter: Chris, Howlin' Mad Murdock.
Lois: Oh, do me!
Peter: There are no women on The A-Team, you'll be that women reporter who followed The A-Team around, and Meg, will you be a sweetheart and look after Stewie while we're gone?
Meg:(groaning): Okay.
Peter: Or you can be Colonel Decker.
Meg: I'll look after Stewie.
Peter: Super, G-Team away!
Everyone runs out except Meg and Stewie.
Stewie:(sarcastic): Awww, poor little Meg doesn't go in The G-Team, when I'll pass through solid waste in my diapers, I won't make it easier for you, piggy!
Cut to commercial. Act 3. Cut to everyone being dressed up as their respective characters.
Peter:(smoking cigar): Okay, just in case we get in trouble with the "man", Chris do you know how to fly planes?
Chris: No.
Pause. Peter slaps him.
Peter: You don't need to know how to fly, to fly!
The black and red striped van drives in.
Peter: Thanks Barnaby.
Barnaby walks out with Finneous.
Barnaby: We are not valets!
Barnaby and Finneous start rolling on garbage cans.
Barnaby: HO!
Finneous: OH!
Peter and the rest run in the van and drive off. Cut to the home. Kevin is at the door with Meg.
Meg: Thanks for the movie Kevin.
Kevin: No sweat. See you again, sometime.
Kevin walks off.
Stewie: Oh, his only came to see that movie with you to make you feel better about the fatman getting sentenced to that delightful gaol.
Meg: No kidding.
Stewie: Listen Megan, honey. You have 55 percent style, the other percent crass, not class, crass.
Meg: What are you saying?
Stewie: I'm saying I can land you a real date with Kevin, without changing you all that much. First honey, lose the condom hat.
Meg takes it off.
Meg: You mean the hat I've had since I was 2.
Stewie: Yes.
Meg: Gone.
Meg throws it to the trash.
Meg: You really reckon you can do this?
Stewie: I've worked miracles before.
Flashback. Cut to Stewie in a hospital, operating on someone.
Doctor: Doctor, I can't find my sandwich.
Stewie slaps him.
Stewie: Damnit man, this woman's life is on the line and you're worrying about a sandwich!
Present day. Cut to the rest in the van as the drive to Bob's Funland as they meet up with Bob.
Bob: Bob Funland, Mr. Griffin...
Peter walks out.
Peter: Smith, Bob...Hannibal Smith.
Pause.
Bob: Right...Mr. Griffin...
Peter:(overlapping): Hannibal Smith!
Bob: Hannibal Smith, right...my amusement park has gotten a very serious rat and mouse problem, they're leaving there droppings everywhere.
Pause.
Peter: That's it, no illegal guns warehouse, no kidnapping, no insurance fraud, no drug trafficking, just a rodent problem?
Bob: Yes.
Peter: Face, you come with me and we'll take the candy stop, reporter follow each and one of us around and write down reports, Murdock, you go with B.A.
Cut to Mr. T standing next to Chris.
Mr. T: Oh man, what a fool.
Chris: Hahahaha, you talk funny!
Mr. T: Shut yo mouth, fool!
Chris: Yes, B.A.
Peter: Bob, you look out for any REAL danger, okay big guy.
Everyone breaks up.
Bob: This is an emergency.
Cut to the house. Meg is wearing a tank top which says: "Good Girls Are Bad Girls Who Don't Get in Trouble" and wearing blue shorts as Stewie walks in with a boombox.
Stewie: Listen Megan, if you want some class and still be in the 21st century, you gotta know how to dance, show me your chops.
Stewie puts on the song "Nasty Girl" as Meg starts dancing.
Stewie: insert name from My Fair Lady will be so proud of me.
Meg: Is this good?
Stewie: Yes, you're starting to learn from my lessons. Now hook me up with that hot cheerleader who goes to your school, nice melons...if you know what I mean.
Meg: What?
Stewie: Nothing!
Cut to Peter (smoking a cigar) and Brian are in the sewer, with a torch.
Brian: I see no rodents at all, Pete...
Peter:(overlapping): HANNIBAL SMITH!
Bob climbs up as he holds a gun.
Bob: Drop the torch!
Peter: Bob, what are you doing?
Bob pulls off his mask revealing it's KFC as the police storm in with an arsenal of
weapons.
Brian: Who's this guy?
Peter: It's KFC...you're working for the heat?
KFC: They said to either help them and be set free or not do it and my sentence would be doubled.
Peter: That's blackmail!
KFC: I said drop it!
KFC shoots the torch off Peter's hand as the police stomp in and arrest him and drag him off.
Police Officer: You're free KFC, or should I say Mr. Funland.
The Police Officer and KFC start laughing.
Police Officer: Where is he, anyway?
Cut to a tied up Bob as Lois, Chris and Mr. T see him in the closet.
Mr. T: Fool, that's screwed up.
Cut to the police officers driving Peter off in the police car as Brian looks on as KFC walks up to him.
Brian: You sick bastard, I see that you will pay!
KFC: Pay for what, you little doggie biscuits!
KFC walks off and starts laughing as Lois and Chris run up to Brian.
Brian: The police got Peter.
Lois: Oh my God!
Chris: Fight the power, dad!
Lois: What we will do?
Mr. T walks up with Bob.
Mr. T: We saw this fool tied up; I think a conspiracy is afoot.
Bob: He got me...
Brian: It was KFC wasn't it!
Pause.
Chris: The Colonel got Mr. Funland! Oh man, now I'm conflicted and I forgot what 2 plus 2 is.
Lois: We have to get a new leader, and now fight for another appeal case.
Cut to Lois in a room with a clipboard.
Lois: So, I'm interviewing you to be the new leader of The G-Team, so Mr. G...
Wally Gator: Gator, Wally Gator.
Lois: Okay, so Mr. Gator...
Wally Gator: Wally Gator.
Lois: Mr. Wally Gator.
Wally Gator: No Mister, just Wally Gator.
Cut to Lois interviewing Madonna.
Lois: Oh, Madonna I love you in Evita.
Madonna: Whatever, I'm only want to be leader because I'm an illegal alien, I'm English!
Lois: You wish.
Cut to Lois interviewing Gene Simmons.
Lois: Gene, long time no see, eh?
Gene Simmons: Where's makeup? I need makeup! I thought this was going to be for a KISS documentary or something.
Cut to later in the day.
Lois: Next!
Cut to the Greased Up Deaf Guy in the room.
Lois: So, Mr. Greased Up Deaf Guy...
Greased Up Deaf Guy runs off.
Greased Up Deaf Guy: You'll never catch me!
Lois: Next!
Death walks in with his dog
Death's Dog: Do I smell chilli?
Lois: So, Mr. Death...what are your qualifications?
Death: None, none at all.
Death's Dog: His great in the sack though!
Death: Shut up!
Cut to Lois interviewing Jim Kaplan, the sleazy salesman.
Lois: So, Mr. Kaplan...
Jim: Ye...
A wolf tackles him off screen. Cut later.
Lois: So, you reckon you'll be a good leader?
Kool Aid Man: OH YEAH!
Cut to the jail as Peter walks through the walls.
Peter: Being behind bars again, eh...
Mort runs up to Peter.
Mort: Peter, I've got good news, that Stop n' Shop assistant you ran over just got stunned, you're free to go!
Peter: I am, freakin' sweet.
Big Fat Phony Guy: Just stunned, hey everybody, his A BIG FAT PHONY!
Cut to Lois, Brian and Chris driving home.
Lois: I can't believe Peter's gone from our lives again.
Peter walks up to the window as the car abruptly stops.
Peter: Guess who?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Lois!
Lois and Peter hug. Cut to Meg having a party at the house.
Kevin: Hey Meg, wanna go on a date and a movie sometime?
Meg: Sure, I'll love that.
Meg and Stewie hi-five.
Stewie: Now shake that money-maker!
Cut to Herbert spying on the party.
Herbert: She's my "Nasty Girl".
Herbert thumbs up. End credits.